Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Also, I just wanted to make it clear that this is NOT an OC romance story. I just read it over and realized it probably seemed like it was heading that way, but the OCs I make are really just for some added flavor.

Gaara Gets a Girlfriend

The Situation

"Okay- how's this: Wanted: Full time housekeeper/cook for family of three. Frequent entertaining and overnight guests. Previous experience required. Contact Temari."

"Knock it down to 'previous experience preferred,' and take out the part about overnight guests," Temari suggested. "It makes it sound like we're running a brothel or throwing sex parties or something."

Kankuro read the ad over again and frowned. "No, it doesn't. We need someone who can cook and clean for a big crowd, and knows how to deal with people. It makes sense to put that in there."

"That's something I can talk about with them during the interview," said Temari, taking a sip of her coffee. "We're going to scare people off with an ad like that. Or attract loonies."

"Well, you do know all about scaring people off and attracting loonies. 'Ideal applicant is patient, quiet, and not easily intimidated. Self-defense skills recommended.' That one was truly inspired."

Temari shrugged. "A couple decent applicants replied to that ad."

"You mean like the lady who told you the only self defense she needed was her good luck charm? Which happened to be a taxidermied rat she'd glued a party hat onto?"

"Okay, not her so much. But there was that older lady who used to work for the daimyo, remember? She was pretty good, I thought."

"Yeah, she was good. But-" Kankuro leaned in and dropped his voice to a confidential murmur- "the important thing here is to find someone who can get along with Coo-Coo Bananas. Someone he can tolerate, at the very least. You know that."

Coo-Coo Bananas, of course, was Gaara. The nickname wasn't intended to be cruel; Temari and Kankuro actually loved their younger brother dearly. But once, on one of the first occasions they'd spent time with him, they had seen him accidentally demolish a wall after their uncle Yashamaru told him he would have to wait until after dinner to have ice cream. Gaara himself was the person most upset and frightened by this, and despite Yashamaru's best efforts to calm him, his sand shield had gone on to knock over the refrigerator and smash all the plates while Gaara hid behind the couch and sobbed.

'Coo-Coo' or 'Bananas' alone hadn't been strong enough terms to describe the scene, so they had combined the two. The phrase stuck, and became a secret (and these days, affectionate) name the two of them used when they were alone together.

Gaara was no longer the unhinged Coo-Coo Bananas of days of yore- he was the Kazekage now, in fact- but he still had his moments.

Such as when their housekeeper had decided to retire to spend more time with her grandchildren. She'd been with the family for more than twenty years, and Kankuro and Temari had been sorry to see her leave, but Gaara was more concerned with Temari's announcement that she was going to look for a replacement.

"I do not want a stranger in my house."

"They won't be a stranger forever," Kankuro had cajoled. "Kaede-baa-chan was a stranger at one time, wasn't she? Now she's like part of the family."

"We're the only ones living here. We don't even need a housekeeper."

"Because Temari can do everything around here by herself, right?" Temari had asked sarcastically. "It's not like she has anything else to do, like be your advisor."

Gaara hated people who spoke in the third person. He narrowed his eyes at her.

"She has a point," said Kankuro. "None of us has the time to take care of the house. Not to mention the fact that we're all lousy cooks."

"We can learn to cook. It can't be that difficult."

"I'm going to put an ad in The Suna Wire," Temari had told him firmly. "I won't hire anyone without introducing you first, but we need a housekeeper."

He'd agreed with some reluctance, but demanded final veto power when it came time to choose someone. So far, he'd been abusing it horribly.

No one was good enough. One had talked too much, one had moved too slow, the lady who'd kept house for the daimyo had smelled like menthol cough drops. Gaara hated menthol cough drops.

Gaara hated a lot of things, actually, including people who were too loud, people who were too shy, people who chewed a lot of gum, women with false nails, halogen lights, long-haired dog breeds, Jell-o, the sound cash registers made when they opened, and especially anything being different from what he was used to.

Some people called him neurotic. Temari and Kankuro knew better- he was Coo-Coo Bananas.

Either way, most of the people who'd applied for the job decided that he wouldn't be a good employer, and the handful of candidates he'd approved had turned it down. His siblings suspected he was only picking the ones he could tell were afraid of him.

The ad that Kankuro was writing right now was the eighth one so far, and each had generated fewer responses. And aside from Mrs. Menthol Cough Drops, the quality of those responses was getting worse and worse as the weeks wore on.

"Kankuro," Temari said seriously, "the important thing is just to get someone- anyone- to come in for an interview. There are only so many professional housekeepers in Suna, and I'm pretty sure we've chased most of them away already."

She got up and put her empty coffee cup in the sink. "We're almost out of options, here."

"I know," he sighed, tapping his pen against the table. "But what can we do? Being around new people is still so hard for him. He needs to feel comfortable."

Temari made an irritated noise. "He needs to get over it."

"He needs more practice making friends."

"He needs a smack upside the head."

"He needs to get laid."

Temari raised an eyebrow at him. "What? How would that help?"

"Well, you know," Kankuro shrugged. "It's kind of a turning point for guys. I didn't used to be this cool before I started getting girls."

There were so very many comebacks Temari could have made to that statement, she couldn't pick just one. "If you say so, Fonzie. I don't think Gaara is interested in that, though, and it's not going to help us find a housekeeper."

"You don't think he's interested?" Kankuro stopped tapping the pen. "You mean… you don't think Gaara's… gay, do you?"

"No," she snorted. "If he was gay, he'd be interested."

"Right." He rested his chin on his hand and looked thoughtful. "I don't think that's the problem. I mean, he's not exactly shy, and he's not exactly awkward, either. It's more like the thought of liking girls hasn't occurred to him yet."

"Since when is this a problem?" Temari asked. "Gaara can handle his own business."

"Oh, it's just something that's been on my mind, I guess. I think that it would be good for him, to find someone."

"You've got your head in the clouds," she accused. "Focus on the ad. We've got a delegate coming from Konoha next month to discuss trading, and we need someone here by then."

"Okay, right, the ad." Kankuro skimmed it again. "It's fine the way it is. This is what I'm going to give the Wire."

"Sex parties!" insisted Temari.

"No sex parties! They'll know what we mean." He slipped the ad into an envelope and got up. "I'll go drop it off now. Will I see you at the council meeting this afternoon?"

"You bet," she said. "We're going to be talking about the roadways again. Exciting stuff."

"SO exciting! Just the thought makes my loins tingle."

"Ew," Temari informed him.

{}{}{}{}{}

Kankuro's ad only got one answer, and Temari wanted to make it count.

She met their prospective housekeeper, a 30-something woman named Hitomi, at ten o'clock sharp in the kitchen. The first thing she noticed was that Hitomi was very professional looking, and very well-dressed. Temari herself had been training earlier, and had thrown on a worn blue dress and sandals with a broken strap when she got home. She crossed her arms over her chest self-consciously.

"So," she said as they sat at the kitchen table, "it says here on your resume that you were the head housemaid for the Shinto Clan for eight years. I've been to their house for dinner- it's a big estate."

"Yes, but they like to keep a small staff. I got a lot of experience helping out in the kitchen, playing ladies' maid to important guests, that sort of thing."

"Oh, that's good. We have important guests all the time, as I'm sure you can imagine. There are separate quarters for them to stay in, though, so you would spend most of your time just taking care of the main house, where my brothers and I live."

She paused. "We're very low-maintenance," she promised. "All three of us are very busy, so you would barely even see us, really. Especially the Kazekage. It would be like he wasn't even here."

"Alright," Hitomi said slowly, giving her an odd look.

"I only mention it because some applicants were a little intimidated by him. Because he's such an important person," she explained.

Hitomi gave her a gentle smile. "You'll find I'm quite used to serving important people," she assured her. "I know they can be a bit, ah, eccentric?"

Temari smiled back. It was clear they understood each other. She had a good feeling about this one.

"Why don't we go on the tour of the house?"

She showed Hitomi their own living quarters, then led her into the guest quarters, which were much more opulent. Twenty bedrooms, each with their own private bathroom, a parlor for intimate gatherings, a dining hall the size of a grand ballroom for larger ones, a small onsen that had been her father's idea, an indoor pool that had been her mother's idea, but had only ever been filled once.

Next was the office building. Kazekage tower had its own cleaning staff so their housekeeper would probably never even step foot in here, but she showed Hitomi her own private office, then Kankuro's, the council room, and some of the smaller conference rooms anyway. It was mostly to buy her some time before taking her to Gaara's office for his final appraisal.

Finally, it could be delayed no longer. Temari took a deep breath to calm herself, and began leading Hitomi up to the top floor.

"Don't let him scare you," she warned outside his door. "Just stay calm and keep your answers short, alright?"

Hitmoi nodded serenely.

Temari crossed her fingers for good luck and knocked.

"Enter."

Gaara was sitting at his desk doing paperwork, frowning down at an open scroll. He had a bad habit of getting ink on his fingers, which today was also smeared across his left cheek.

"Kazekage-sama," Temari said, "this is Hitomi- she's applying for the job as our housekeeper."

He looked up and glanced at Hitomi with disinterest. "I see."

"Do you have any questions for her?" Temari prompted. "I've already finished my interview and given her the tour."

He sighed almost inaudibly. "Are you planning on living here?"

"No, Kazekage-sama."

"Do you know how to cook chicken gizzards?"

"Yes, Kazekage-sama."

"Would you describe yourself as outgoing?"

"Only as outgoing as you want me to be, Kazekage-sama."

He stared at her blankly, which Temari knew meant he was sizing her up.

"Alright," he said, "I need to speak with my sister, if you'll excuse us."

Hitomi bowed. "Thank you, Kazekage-sama. And by the way," she said as she stepped into the hall to wait, "you have a bit of schmutz on your cheek."

The door clicked shut behind her, and for a moment the only sound in the office was the faint hum of the air conditioner.

"I don't like her," Gaara announced.

Temari rolled her eyes. "Why, because she had the audacity to tell you you've got ink on your face? It's not that big a deal."

"She called it 'schmutz,'" he said with a touch of disdain. "That's folksy. I hate people who talk folksy."

"Oh, come on, Gaara-"

"No. She's probably the type of person who decorates excessively for holidays and would put throw pillows embroidered with clichéd sayings on the sofa. That's how folksy people are. Find someone else."

He returned to his paperwork.

"You know what?" Temari exploded. "I'm done with this! We're hiring that woman, because she's qualified, and she's nice, and there's nothing wrong with her aside from the fact that you don't know her yet. I am so tired of all your little hang-ups, Gaara. You need to learn to just… go with the flow, sometimes."

He folded up the scroll and regarded her coolly.

"We agreed that we would not hire anyone unless I approved of them," he said in a neutral tone. "I've made my decision. I do not want that woman here."

They stared at each other. Finally, Temari bowed her head and sighed in defeat. Once Gaara had made up his mind about something, there was no point in arguing.

{}{}{}{}{}

After notifying Hitomi of his decision and apologizing profusely for wasting her time like this, Temari retreated to the living room and threw herself on the couch.

Well, she thought, staring at the ceiling, this is it.

Eight classified ads and over forty applicants had all led to nothing. Gaara was never going pick one, and who was there left to pick? It wasn't like Suna was overflowing with good candidates to begin with.

She could see their future- it was filled with lots of her own bland cooking, arguments about whose turn it was to do the dishes, and marathon laundry sessions on her days off. There would be frenzied attempts to prepare guest rooms in the hours before important diplomats arrived. She would waste entire afternoons trying to hunt down spare linens. She could just picture the looks on visitors' faces when she told them that they would have to make their own beds, and that there was no one but her to help their wives arrange their hair for state dinners.

She cringed. This was her life now.

"Excuse me."

She whipped around in alarm.

A young woman, no older than eighteen, stood hesitantly in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen.

"I'm sorry if I'm intruding," she said, "but I wanted to make sure you knew I was here."

"Uh… who are you?"

"I'm Ine. I'm here about the housekeeping and cooking job. I only just called about it this morning- I talked to Kankuro on the phone, he said he was your brother. He asked me to come in at 10:30 and had me wait in the kitchen for you, because he told me you were interviewing someone else."

"Oh." Temari sank back into the couch. "He didn't tell me you were waiting. Sorry. But I have to say, I think the job's been cancelled. My other brother is on the fence about the whole thing."

"Ah, I see," said Ine. "Well, while I'm here, I might as well show you my resume, right?"

Her unease forgotten, she marched over and perched on the sofa next to Temari.

"Here!" She handed her a copy, and began explaining it before she even got a chance to read it over. "I don't have any housekeeping experience exactly, but I've been working at my uncle's inn since I was around twelve, and I've done just about every job in the place. Desk clerk, cook, waitress, maid, bartender, manager… all of it! So I'm real versatile. And, of course, since it's an inn, I'm used to dealing with all sorts of people. Making difficult customers happy is my special talent."

Temari put her resume down on the coffee table. "You sound almost exactly like what we're looking for," she said honestly, "but the Kazekage doesn't particularly want a new housekeeper. I'm sorry."

"Hmm." Ine twitched her nose and adjusted the rings on her fingers, looking thoughtful. "Maybe I could do a trial period? Unpaid, like for two or three days. Or, I could cook something for you! That way you could see if you like the stuff I make."

She was persistent, this one. Maybe she should let her cook something, just to make her happy- she'd get a free lunch out of it, at least. Temari gave her a critical look and wondered what Gaara would think.

Ine radiated youthful energy and a hopeful eagerness to please. She was wearing a mint green dress and plain black sandals with a little heel to them. Her toenails were painted blue. Her fingernails were painted bubblegum pink. She wore rings on eight of her fingers and one of her thumbs, all of which she kept fiddling with, a number of bracelets, and large hoop earrings. Some sort of tattoo- homemade, judging by the shaky line work- was peeking out from under her sleeve. Her hair was dyed pitch black, but mousy brown roots were growing out. She had on a lot of eye makeup.

Gaara would hate her.

Suddenly, Temari was struck by an idea. "You know, I'm not very hungry right now," she said. The girl's face fell. "…but, I could really use a drink. You said something about bartending…?"

{}{}{}{}{}

Off to one side of the guest quarter's dining hall was a full bar, complete with a fully stocked liquor cabinet.

Ine scanned the dusty bottles while Temari settled herself on one of the stools.

"Do you have any ice?"

"There's a mini-fridge back there," Temari informed her. "I have no idea what's in it. We haven't used any of this stuff in… six years, maybe? Our old housekeeper used to stock up, though, just in case."

Ine nodded and opened the fridge. "Oh, you've got frozen raspberry juice!" she exclaimed. "I know what I'll make! It's better with fresh fruit, but this should be okay, too."

Temari watched her pour things into a cocktail mixer and shake it enthusiastically. She snatched a wine glass off the shelf, rinsed it off, and dipped the rim in a jar of sugar.

"Now," she said, turning to face Temari with the finished product, "tell me what you think."

Temari looked at the drink in front of her skeptically. The smell alone was sweet enough to rot her teeth, and it looked like Ine had put an awful lot of liquor into it, for a mid-day cocktail.

She took a sip. Well, she couldn't really taste any alcohol. That was a good sign, right?

"This is good," she commented.

She took another sip.

"This is really good! How much tequila is in here?"

"Enough," Ine said with a wink.

Temari grinned at her. This was a girl after her own heart.

{}{}{}{}{}

"How much is left in that mixer? Waste not, want not, my father used to say." Temari was feeling good. Well, her face was flushed, but she felt good aside from that.

Ine opened it. "Kind of a lot. I used the whole can of frozen raspberry mix, because you can't refreeze it once it's open."

"Good thinking. I'll have another one."

Ine, who really was a very obliging girl, refilled her glass.

"Thanks. So, tell me what working at inn is like."

"Oh, you know," sighed Ine, resting her elbows on the bar, "it gets to be like any other job after a while. We've got a reputation for lots of barfights, but even that gets old."

"Tell me about it. Civilians always think we have the most exciting job in the world, but you'd be surprised how routine being a ninja gets to be."

"At least you get to travel. What's the most interesting place you've ever been?"

Temari swirled her drink around in the glass and thought. "Well, my favorite place to go is Konoha. Not because it's interesting. I have a… friend there." She fixed Ine with a serious look. "Feel free to keep that information to yourself, now."

Ine gave her a knowing smile. "My lips are sealed."

{}{}{}{}{}

"Only noon? I guess I have time for one more."

Temari took a gulp of her third drink. "This is so good. None of us know anything about making drinks. Neither did Kaede- that was our old housekeeper. It's a shame, really, serving these at state dinners would make them so much more tolerable."

"Alcohol can make anything tolerable," agreed Ine. "I heard people used to do shots before having surgery."

"Hmm. I wonder if Gaara- I mean, the Kazekage- would loosen up some if I started feeding him beer. He doesn't drink, you know. Won't even toast with everyone else at formal events."

"Really?" Ine leaned forward. "What's he like in person? Not to be rude or nothing, but he always seems so much older than he really is. Like, serious, and mature, I mean."

"Mature? Gaara?" Temari snorted and took another sip of her cocktail. "Maybe in some ways. In other ways, he's like a two-year-old who throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Let me tell you, you won't even believe all the trouble I've had finding a housekeeper…"

{}{}{}{}{}

"…so then he said 'The smell of menthol reminds me of the hospital. Every time I was in a room with her, I would think of the hospital's budget, and I wouldn't be able to relax.' What kind of bizarro world reasoning is that?"

Temari drained her glass. "Is there any left? I guess I might as well finish it off. Waste not, want not, my father used to- wait, I already said that." She frowned. How much tequila was in there?

"But anyway. The point is, Kankuro and I are starting to get a little worried about him. He was always grumpy, but he hasn't been this bad in years."

Ine put a fresh drink in front of her. "Maybe he's stressed," she suggested.

"I'm sure he is. We all are. But Ga- the Kazekage- can't seem to find a way to cope with it. He's up all hours of the night, working. He forgets to eat sometimes. He's so snappy with us these days, and every least little thing annoys him. And my friend in Konoha told me that he hasn't written to his good friend there in months. He always used to keep in touch with him, no matter how busy he was."

Temari drummed her fingers on the table. "I'm really wondering if there's more to it than stress. Kankuro said the other day that he thinks he needs to get laid, and that got me thinking that maybe he's… well, nevermind."

"No, go ahead," urged Ine. "You think maybe he's what?"

"I don't know how to describe it, exactly," Temari said. "It's like this: he was such an isolated kid, and then he was this total monster for a long time. And then he finally started moving past that, and he gets made Kazekage. He never got to just be normal, and now he's… well, he's Coo-Coo Bananas again."

"Coo-Coo Bananas?" Ine asked, sounding amused.

"Yeah. That's another thing to keep to yourself. I think his problem is, he missed some stages in his life, so as he gets older, he's becoming less and less able to fit in with everyone else. And now he's kind of like… backsliding."

Ine brightened. "My cousin had that!" she exclaimed. "He went to jail when he was fifteen and got out when he was eighteen, and he just didn't know how to act. He kept setting fires, and then he burned down the library so they sent him back to jail. He's much happier there."

"That was your cousin who burned down the library?" Temari asked. "Huh. Small world."

She took another sip of her drink and rested her head on her hand, suddenly feeling depressed. "I just want him to be happy," she said with a sigh. "Poor Coo-Coo Bananas."

Ine began rinsing out the now empty mixer. "Maybe you should introduce him to people," she said. "Maybe if he hung out with people his own age and did the same stuff they do, he'd feel more normal."

"Do you think so?" Temari raised her head and the room spun for a second. "I don't like interfering in his personal business, but… he's not really making any progress on his own."

"I think it's worth a try."

"Okay." Temari bit her lip and thought. "You said you just moved here, right? How are you making friends in the city?"

"Oh, well, I moved in with my boyfriend, and he always lived in Suna," Ine said with a shrug. "I've been meeting people through him, mostly."

Temari gasped. "That's what Kankuro meant! He finds a girl, she gets him out of the house, he starts-" she gestured vaguely- "interacting with people and being a part of things! Gaara needs a girlfriend!"

"Well, I thought maybe he should start with just a regular friend, and then-"

"No, no, a girlfriend. He can just stop talking to a friend, an actual girlfriend is harder to ignore. Trust me, I know."

She finished her drink and slapped the glass back onto the bar top.

"So- you're hired, I don't care what Gaara has to say about it. And your first job as housekeeper is to help me write a personal ad to put in The Suna Wire. We're going to get Gaara some dates!"