A/N: Okay, can you say forever and a day! I must apologize for my lack of updates… here is the thing though; this fic is not Lissa friendly… I love all my readers I reaaaaaaaaaaally do, but what happened, happened! I do wish to not lose any of my readers but I can't force you to keep reading, I can only hope you do, I have read books and fics alike that has had a part or two or even more that I didn't like very much but I pushed through anyway. I had given up on this and wasn't even going to finish it, but a review got me to reconsider so here I am rewriting this from scratch as I had erased all the NTEJY files from my computer… hope you guys are still out there…. Oh and if you review, even if as guests just leave me your name so I can properly thank you!
Coping
Rose's P.O.V
I was awake, I was alive. But just barely, three days after I woke up from my coma I had been dismissed from the hospital. One would think life would have gone back to normal, but not for me. I had really only traded beds, I was now a fixture in my room, the only time I left my bed was to use the bathroom… Dimitri was keeping Vicktoria and himself away at my request. Yes, I'm a horrible person, but seeing her only made me think of him, and thinking of him only made me think of that memory and Lissa, and that only led to me dry heaving on the side of the bed, nothing ever came out, as nothing had gone in in I don't know how many days.
Even my tears had dried, my eyes burn as if tears were coming but they didn't come. I had lost my will to live; I couldn't keep going on like this. Couldn't keep going know what Lissa had done to him, to me.
Bodies with different faces kept coming in and out of my room; food was left only to be later taken away by a different face.
"Rose?" a hand waved in front of my face.
My brain wanted to respond but my mouth wasn't functioning.
"Okay girls, intervention time," a different voice echoed and suddenly I was being yanked out of bed.
"Mia you handle the shower, Vika and I will clean this place up a bit," Someone said.
"Sydney, you clean. Vika go get some hot chocolate and some doughnuts," Mia, my brain recognized her voice, was pulling me into the bathroom.
The splash of cold water snapped me out of it. "What are you doing?" I screamed.
"Oh there she is," Mia's smiling face was a bit of a comforting sight.
"What are you doing?" I asked in a softer voice.
"Intervention my friend, you need a shower and some fresh air and we are here to help
"I'm not alright Mia," my voice came out shaken, foreign to my own years.
"I know Rose," but she really didn't know, and suddenly the need to open up to someone made my knees buckle and we both went down.
"Are you okay?" she looked panicked.
"I've seen things," images of Lissa made me shutter as a fresh wave of tears cascaded down my face.
"We've all seen things, the image of you on the ground in puddle of blood hunts my every waking moment," she too was crying.
"When I was in a coma, I saw things… I think I saw Lissa's memories," I was alive and we could deal with her issues later, selfish as it may sound, I needed mine dealt with now.
"Good memories?" she looked almost hopeful.
"I saw Lissa pregnant, I saw Lissa write on her diary, I saw Lissa use compulsion to rape Dimitri," my voice cracked as I finally said out loud what had been hunting my every thought.
"What? No Rose, no no no no, that's- no Rose," she heard me but it was almost like her mind was rejecting the idea.
"It's what I saw Mia, he's told me before that nothing happened between them and to him nothing happened because she made him forget," I explained.
"There has to be a reasonable explanation," she pushed on.
"Besides Lissa being a bitch?" I scoffed.
"When I used to hate the two of you," she started but paused at me snort of laughter.
"I had forgotten about that time," I smiled at her.
"Well, had I remained hating you, I wouldn't be in this awkward situation now," she smiled at me.
"What situation?" I asked, not following her thoughts.
"Me, dick loving person, sitting in a tub… soaking wet with a naked girl," she laughed.
"Shit, this is awkward," sudden awareness filled me and I felt my face heat up with the tale-tale signs of a blush.
Grabbing a towel, I wrapped it around my body while throwing one to Mia so she could dry herself up.
"Where were we?" she asked once we were dried and dressed and sitting on my bed, Sydney had cleaned up my room and left and sitting beside my bed was a box of chocolate donuts and a steaming cup of hot chocolate that Vika must have left here. Not bothering to wonder about the girls' disappearance I tried to recall where we had left off.
"Oh you were telling me something about when you hated us," I said.
"Right, when I used to hate the two of you, well I had my reasons… but there was a reason, and you came to Lissa's defense because you guys were friends… and I… well I was jealous of that, I had no one who would have come to my defense then. I guess the point of this rambling is that there has to be a reason behind all this Rose," Mia finally stopped with her pointless rambling.
Taking a bite out of my donut I thought about what she was saying, a reason behind all this.
"I think Adrian has something for me, from Lissa," I mused out loud.
"What is it?" she asked.
"I don't know, but in my nor here nor there state, I had a spirit dream and he told she had left me something," I told her.
"And you haven't one to get it why again?" she snapped at me.
I figured that telling her that I had been stuck in this bed was a moot point so I just glared at her.
"Listen if you need a friend who is going to come in here and tell you that everything is going to be alright and that nothing has changed, I will go and get Eddie for you. I'm not that friend, because honestly right now that is not what you need to hear. You are pregnant, this baby needs you to bounce back and retake control of your life… besides that you have a three year old that really needs her mommy right now and also that hunk of a Russian you claim to love, needs you also. Fuck I need you Rose, Eddie does too and even Kirova is feeling a little bit of guilt for the state you are in; Please Rose, shake it off! I know you can do it," she was panting by the time she finished and so was I as each truth she spoke hit me like a slap across the face. Each slap (word) knocking some sense into me. As if reminded of my current state, I dropped my hands to lay them over my still flat stomach, ignoring the donuts that went rolling somewhere on my now clean floor.
"I'm pregnant again," I repeated the words almost dumbly.
"Yes, you are! And you better start taking better care of my godchild," she smiled at me. Without thinking my actions through I threw my arms around her which almost sent both of us crashing to the ground.
"Thank you Mia," I spoke when I pulled away from her.
"No need to thank me, go find Adrian," and without another word she got up and left the room, I could've sworn I saw tears fighting to fall as she exited but that must have just been my imagination.
Inhaling deeply I got up and went in search of Adrian, no point in procrastinating, it needed to be done.
"I was wondering when you would come around," was how he greeted me.
"You could've come to me," I snapped.
"I could have yes, but knowing you like I do, I know that you wouldn't accept until you were ready, and now you are. Wait here," he turned leaving me stunned.
Before too long he was back holding a royal looking box, the box was beautiful and yet it frightened me.
"I'm not really sure of what exactly is in here, some things I was a part of but not everything. I'm not going to sit here and beg for your forgiveness, because quite frankly I have a different life now… a daughter that needs me now more than ever, and I won't stop or change my routine because of you, take this," he gave me the box and went back to sit by the window, I was clearly dismissed.
Was there something I should say here? But my heart, though saddened, didn't have anything to say to him just yet, clutching the box to my chest I left his room.
Making it to my room with only minor interruptions I locked the door behind me and sat on my bed crossing my legs Indian style I stared at the box before me for a long while. Finally after I don't know how many minutes I removed the lid of the offensive thing, the moment the lid was off I was hit with a smell that brought good memories… memories of a much more innocent time, but that was not here nor there and that time was long gone; the only memories that smell brought now was of heartbreak and tears.
Wiping some uninvited tears from my eyes I picked up the envelope that sat on top, ripping it open I read the words.
Hey Rose,
If you are actually the one reading this, and not me again for the millionth time, what I feared the most has come to pass!
You see, when I found out I was pregnant I went to see the seer, and she read my cards for me… I know you don't believe this stuff but hey she was right this time as I am really dead.
When Adrian came back to me, he came back with a solution to darkness… if the two of us, spirit users, had a baby our darkness problems would be over. But nothing is ever this simple, is it?
Well, we tried for a while but it took a while, anyway on my visit to the seer she told me that I wouldn't see my daughter's first birthday, and if I tried to avoid my faith worse things would happen! I wish that by this day you will have forgiven me and perhaps can look after her every once in a while. There are things in here that I'm not proud of, I know I have done some horrible things to you and I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm asking for it anyway. Forgive me Rose?
"Yeah well, fat chance in hell, which is where I hope you are by the way," yeah I know the words might sound harsh and even spiteful but it is how I feel.
'How could you even ask for forgiveness you rotting bitch?' and this thought had me laughing at the sheer double meaning on it. Ok maybe I have lost my mind. Trying to clear my mind of unwanted and unrequired thoughts I decided to go through the box. Inside I found the diary I had 'dreamed' of; also there were some pictures of Lissa and I… again with the innocent times, more envelopes with numbers on them but right now I was really interested in the diary, as if my 'dreams' had been memories this will prove it… or hopefully disprove it.
Cracking it open I did what I had done so many times before, I dove in to Lissa's thoughts.
So many stories to tell, will there be enough time to tell it all?
Was written across the very first page.
Dear diary seems a bit silly at my age, I am way beyond the 'dear diary a boy broke my heart' faze, but I guess lots of things need to be said and most people just don't want to hear it. Being a Moroi you don't get to pick and choose what element you develop more power over… I remember when I was a kid I wanted to master Air, just to make my hair move the way those models' hair move in their photo-shoots. But it wasn't the case, and though rare, I mastered Spirit… a delicate yet dangerous
"Mamma?" her little timid voice broke me from the trance I had been in.
I looked up to see my daughter looking up at me with her big brown eyes, seconds later he also came in to my room.
"I'm sorry Roza, she got away from me," he apologized, startled by the hurt stitched into every word he said.
'They came first!' the vow I had made to myself long ago screamed loudly in my brain, the meaning of it only I knew, 'they' meaning Dimitri and my daughter.
"Come here baby," I called to her, choosing to ignore his apology for now, if anything I owed him an apology. Her eyes grew impossibly larger as she smiled and climbed onto the bed with me.
"You all betta mamma," her joy evident in her words.
"Almost sweetheart," desperate for the need of contact I hugged her tiny form to me, the smell of her shampoo doing wonders to my frail nerves.
"Are we gonna be a family again mamma?" She asked as she pushed me away a little.
"We never stopped being a family Vick, mommy was just sick," as I spoke my eyes found his, a part of me hoping that he hadn't given up on me completely. "Right daddy?" even though I was afraid of his answer, the question slipped out of my lips before I could restrain it.
"Right," he spoke out loud for her sake and proceeded to mouth 'we need to talk' to me. Nodding my head, I allowed him to pick her up.
"Let's go Vick, grandma Olena is waiting for us," he smiled, but his eyes told a different story.
"But daddy I wanna stay with mamma," she whined.
"Grandma is waiting with grilled-cheese," his smile still in place, still not reaching his eyes.
"Not fair," she whined again, but didn't put up a fight; even she knew he had fought dirty with that last statement.
"Good-bye Roza," this time he spared me no fake smile.
"Come back later?" I asked.
"Perhaps," was his parting words to me.