Setting: Mass Effect 3.

A/N: Written for the Valentine's competition at Aria's Afterlife. The idea for this absurd piece of work came to me during my third playthrough of Mass Effect 3, when my Shepard received a bombardment of emails from several squad and crew members asking to meet with her either at the Citadel or in her quarters. Many hearts were broken that day, and only Garrus returned to his station with a smile on his face. But unfortunately for my favorite turian, this story is going to throw him a curveball. Or six.

x-x-x-x-x

"Shepard, glad you came."

Garrus pushed himself from the railing he'd been leaning on and stepped forward as the love of his life approached with swift strides… and just kept on walking.

"Sorry, Garrus, but I promised a few other people I'd meet with them first," she called over her shoulder as she hurried into the elevator.

His face instantly fell. "But—"

"And whatever you have planned has to be quick because I have Traynor, Allers, and Vega all lined up to talk one-on-one in my cabin," she added, smiling apologetically. "See you in a bit."

"But—"

The elevator doors slid shut and Garrus was left standing there with a sinking heart and a skycar full of romantic bottle-shooting equipment. This was all Joker's fault. Sixteen hours ago, the pilot had broadcasted throughout the Normandy that it was almost Valentine's Day on Earth, some kind of love-themed holiday that humans either celebrated, dreaded, or ignored. Garrus had a feeling that something like that would be the absolute last thing on Shepard's mind, considering the possible imminent annihilation of their existence, and sure enough she had given no indication that she even recognized what day it was.

However, it seemed that others did, and not only were they thinking what he was thinking, they had also beaten him to the punch.

Oh, it was on.

x-x-x-x-x

Garrus peered around the corner of the airlock toward the CIC, mandibles twitching in agitation at the conversation occurring near the galaxy map.

"Yeah, I'll be heading up to the commander's quarters when she comes back on board," Samantha was telling Diana through the intercom, sounding nothing short of gleeful.

"Me, too, but probably after you," Diana's monotone voice replied. "She's scheduled me for a private interview."

"Hmm, well I'm hoping to play her in chess. I obtained the rank of grandmaster while I was studying at Oxford." An unbidden giggle suddenly escaped the specialist. "And apparently she has her own bathroom. Who knows? Maybe chess and a few drinks will lead to a bit of fun in the shower… Oh, that's so improper of me to say!"

"Just a little bit," agreed the reporter. "This talk of showering, though, is making me thirsty. But I don't want to have to go all the way up to the crew deck to grab a drink. Could you send someone down?"

"Diana, you're never going to impress the commander by being lazy."

"Don't have to. I can just flash her my cleavage."

Garrus rolled his eyes as the women continued to bicker. It was troublesome, but he would have to get rid of them. At least for the rest of the day. And when his gaze drifted to the cockpit and settled on EDI sitting idly at Joker's side, a light bulb flashed over his head.

"Hey, EDI," Garrus greeted, approaching her. "Traditional human games are included in your programming, right?"

She glanced up at him, displaying a curious expression on her face. "Yes, that is correct. Were you interested in learning any particular game?"

"Uh, we were in the middle of discussing our plans for Valentine's Day," Joker piped up, shooting Garrus a pointed stare. "And what are you doing back so early? Let me guess, Shepard ditched you to run off to Liara or Kaidan."

Garrus only grinned impishly as the pilot dissolved into obnoxious snickering. "Actually, EDI, I hear Specialist Traynor is a grandmaster in chess and is looking for a worthy opponent. You're the only one on the ship who can match her level."

The AI tilted her head in interest. "Using this body to play a chess match could provide beneficial data to further my studies on human behavior," she said, rising. "Excuse me, Jeff. I am going to challenge the specialist to a game."

Joker's mirth abruptly evaporated when the object of his affections exited the cockpit. He swung a reproachful look at the smug turian gazing down at him. Then, briefly, something closely resembling a sneer flashed across his face and disappeared before Garrus had a chance to identify it.

"And here I was going to give you a vid that Shepard would just love," Joker told him nonchalantly, pulling up a holographic image of a film poster on his omni-tool.

Garrus squinted at the title. Blasto: Elcor Casanova. "I don't think I've heard of this one."

"It's one of the very first Blasto films before he became a badass Spectre icon." Joker closed the image and smirked at him. "You know how much Shepard loves those films. Show her this classic, and she'll be all over you. But…" he sighed dramatically, "…you sent away my valentine so now I don't feel like handing it over."

"Hey now, I'm sure EDI won't be that long," Garrus stammered, eyeing Joker's omni-tool and wondering if he could pry it off without breaking any of the man's bones. At this point, he would do anything to gain an advantage over the others. Anything.

But to his surprise—and suspicion—Joker relented right away. "All right, I'm feeling gracious today so here you go." He tapped a few commands on the interface of his omni-tool until Garrus' beeped to signal an incoming file transfer. "Plus, I feel kind of bad for you. Can't be easy having to deal with all that competition and extra baggage, huh?"

"You do know who you're talking to, right?" Garrus asked, his bravado rushing back now that the vid was in his possession. "I'm Garrus Vakarian, and there is no competition I can't win."

x-x-x-x-x

…As long as I utilize any means necessary to beat out everyone else, he finished grimly to himself as he mixed the bright blue drink and took the elevator to the engineering floor.

He made a beeline for the starboard cargo room and buzzed the access panel. "Ms. Allers? Heard you were thirsty. I brought you a drink." Yeah, that didn't sound creepy at all.

Fortunately for him, Diana Allers wasn't exactly the most intellectually sharp individual on the ship. "Oh, awesome. Come on in, I'm parched."

He entered the room and found her in her usual spot in front of her levitating camera. She beamed when she saw him, adjusting her skintight skirt and reaching for the glass he handed out to her. Without even asking him what it was or why it was bright enough to glow in the dark, she took several gulps of the beverage.

"So, you're preparing for an interview with the commander?" Garrus inquired conversationally.

"Yup," she replied, dabbing at her glossy lips with her fingers. "By the way, shouldn't you be out with her right about… now?"

She trailed off as the sleeping agent he'd spiked into the drink took immediate effect, and she swayed unsteadily in place until her false lashes fluttered shut. He dove forward with his arms out, realizing too late that he probably should have been aiming to catch the woman, not the glass. Diana hit the floor like a ton of bricks, out cold. No serious injury, but she would be feeling that in the morning.

Had Garrus been in a more chivalrous mood, he might have at least moved her to her bed to reduce the bruising, but instead he simply placed the glass on her desk and left her there. Not only that, he took the time to override the access panel, effectively locking her in should she wake before the day was over.

"Mr. Vakarian, is everything all right down there?" came EDI's voice through the intercom.

"Just peachy, EDI. How's the game going with Traynor?"

"Specialist Traynor is exhibiting physical symptoms of anxiety and distress as the chess match progresses. This may take a while."

"Good—I mean, whatever you do, don't rush her. She needs the time to concentrate."

"I will take that into consideration."

Garrus fought down the devious chuckle that bubbled in his throat. He went for the elevator, but glanced to his right and changed his course, another idea formulating in his conniving mind. Crossing the area, he barged into the port cargo room unannounced. The single occupant didn't stir from his position over the basin of water.

"Javik."

"Turian," the prothean responded, still not moving.

"You know, Liara is apparently looking to write a book about her experiences with the last prothean," Garrus began, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning his shoulder against the wall.

Two pairs of yellow eyes met him then, the slit pupils cold and calculating. "The asari's actions do not concern me. Why are you here?"

"Just figured I'd warn you that she's going to paint your species exactly how she sees it. And I can guarantee that her perspective won't be flattering."

"If the Reapers overwhelm this cycle, then it will not matter what you primitives think of me. Even now your opinion is so insignificant that I am counting the minutes you owe me for this pointless conversation."

"All right, all right," Garrus conceded calmly, straightening and turning toward the door. And then he paused. "Oh, by the way, Liara is going to start out the book describing how hideous she thinks your armor is."

The silence stretched for several seconds before it was interrupted by an indignant noise.

"Excuse me?" Javik rumbled from behind him.

Garrus' brow ridge quirked as he faced the offended ancient. "Yeah, she told me it's the ugliest thing she's ever seen. And she's going to make sure everyone knows it."

The very air around Javik was rife with tension as he struggled to keep his expression aloof. The effort only made him look extremely constipated.

"Unforgivable," he muttered, springing into action and stalking past Garrus. "Where do I find the asari so I may throttle her?"

"She's somewhere on the Citadel. You'll have to track her down," Garrus answered before a brief feeling of worry passed over him, and he contemplated whether provoking Javik was unwise. But Liara could take care of herself. She'd be able to handle one vindictive—and now pissed off—prothean. He hoped.

Javik had already taken the elevator up so Garrus tinkered with the recording device in his omni-tool while waiting for it to return. Next on his hit list was James, and the gorilla of a man had such a big mouth that he was bound to blurt out something that could be used against him. But alas, Garrus' luck appeared to be running out as his omni-tool started glitching on the way down to the shuttle bay, filling his recording device with a lot of static. He shook the thing a few times but decided to let it be, as the elevator doors were already opening.

James and Steve were found at their usual stations, the former doing pull-ups at the small gym on the left side and the latter working on maintenance for one of the Kodiak shuttles. They barely even noticed Garrus as they continued to argue over some type of food allergy, and he checked to make sure his omni-tool was set to record the verbal exchange.

"I'm telling you, a shellfish allergy isn't a disqualifier for military service anymore," James declared in between pull-ups.

"That's bullshit. Even gene therapy doesn't cover allergies," Steve retorted. "How'd you enlist without forging your medical history?"

"Well," James grunted as he dropped down from the pull-up bar, "off the record, I will say that I never actually got an official diagnosis."

Garrus edged closer as Steve let out a bark of laughter.

"I knew it. You just snuck your way into basic training, you bastard," the shuttle pilot chortled. "It's a wonder no one's caught on yet."

James began his cooldown stretches with his back to them. "Well, it's not like crabs are a daily part of my diet so as long as I avoid them, there's nothing to worry about."

Crabs. Garrus had heard that word before from Kelly Chambers the previous year, but he could have sworn that it wasn't a term for food. He cleared his throat, successfully drawing the attention of both humans.

James rotated and nodded in Garrus' direction. "Hey, Vakarian, what's up? Thought you were supposed to be on some date with Lola."

"Turns out I needed to get in line," Garrus said, bracing his elbows next to the procurement terminal and leaning over them to disguise the blinking light of his omni-tool.

"Uh oh, got a bone to pick with Vega here?" Steve joked. "He's supposed to be heading up to her cabin when she comes back, after all."

"Nah, it's all good. But tell me, what was that about an allergy to crabs?"

James blanched, freezing in mid-stretch. "Wait, you're not gonna tell the commander, are you?"

"Of course not. I was just curious. You humans have the strangest allergies."

"Oh." James visibly relaxed and continued with his cooldown session. "Yeah, I'm allergic to shellfish. Crabs, especially. I eat one piece of that shit, and I break out in hives and bloat up like a balloon. And the itching. God, the itching." He shook his head. "No matter how much I scratch, it only makes it worse. Face, throat, chest, arms, legs, all swollen and inflamed."

Garrus pondered that. "Wow, that does sound tough. Also, I can't help wondering… do humans make a habit of assigning multiple meanings to a word?"

Steve glanced at him. "What do you mean?"

"What was the term for the human venereal disease describing a parasitic infestation of the genital region?"

"…Crabs?" James intoned flatly.

Garrus hid a snort and discreetly switched off the recording device. "Well, gentlemen, this has been an enlightening discussion," he remarked and made his way back to the elevator, ignoring the confusion on their faces. "But I've gotta go."

With that, the doors slid shut and he pushed the button for the crew deck before listening to the playback. As it turned out, the static in the recording worked out better than he could have hoped for. Upon reaching his floor, he hurried to the med bay and found Dr. Chakwas nursing what looked like her third glass of wine. Her cheeks were flushed as she greeted him.

"Garrus, to what do I owe the pleasure on this ghastly holiday?"

She must have been one of the ones in the "dreaded Valentine's Day" category. He wasted no time, however, in using her intoxication for his benefit.

"Dr. Chakwas, I think you should hear this conversation with Lieutenant Vega that I happened to record just now." It didn't even matter how ridiculous that sentence sounded because Chakwas was making a valiant attempt to look professional even though her eyes were almost crossing.

Garrus switched on the recording and let the magic roll.

"Crabs—" Bzzzzt. "—break out—"Bzzzzzzt. "—the itching. God, the itch—" Bzzzzzt. "—No matter how much I scratch, it only makes it worse—" Bzzzzt. "—swollen and inflamed—" Bzzzzzt. "—venereal disease—" Bzzzzt. "—parasitic infestation—" Bzzt. "—genital region—" Bzzzzzzzzzzzt.

Garrus could have laughed himself to tears—so to speak—at Chakwas' horrified expression. She thanked him for coming forward with this "dire information" and shooed him out, sputtering something about calling in the lieutenant to deal with this catastrophe as soon as possible. Once he was standing in the mess hall by himself, he didn't bother to suppress his smile.

Who said Archangel didn't have a devilish side?

x-x-x-x-x

Locating Shepard's whereabouts was a task made easy when word had spread throughout the docking bay that a commotion involving an asari and an unidentified entity had broken out in the Presidium Commons. Garrus watched the conflict from his hiding place behind the shrubbery on the level above Apollo's Café, keeping Shepard's bewildered form in his sights. A large crowd had gathered in the area, held back by a wall of C-Sec officers that were hesitant in diving headfirst into a biotic skirmish.

"Asari!" Javik bellowed as he threw a volley of biotic blasts at Liara. "You dare to insult the finely crafted armor of the Empire!"

She deflected each attack and scrambled behind cover, popping her head out to exclaim, "But it really is archaic and ugly!"

"Blasphemy!"

Shepard was yelling at Javik to stand down while Matriarch Aethyta roared furiously and charged at him for assaulting her daughter. Liara took the opportunity to run to Shepard, clinging onto her arm in a way that Garrus found tremendously annoying. Well, that plan certainly backfired. Just when he began to second guess his idea to rile up Javik, a large group of hanar broke through the C-Sec line and shoved Aethyta out of the way in their haste to swarm the livid prothean.

"This one believes you are an Enkindler!"

"This one is unworthy to stand before your presence!"

"No, this one is even more unworthy!"

"No, this one is the most unworthy!"

"This one has just lost control of his bowels!"

Javik howled incoherently as he completely disappeared from view under the mass of hanar, and after assuring her father she was all right, Liara addressed Shepard.

"I'm going to head back to the Normandy before he loses what's left of his sanity," she told her, already halfway to the stairs. "I'm sorry our date got cut short!"

Shepard scratched her head as Liara all but sprinted for the elevator while the C-Sec officers tried to get the crowd to disperse. "This was a date?"

As fond as he was of Shepard, Garrus sometimes thought she deserved to be grabbed by the shoulders and shaken violently for the crime of being so dense to others' emotions. But she was already on the move, and he snuck after her as Javik's enraged vocalizations faded in the background. Garrus tailed her all the way to Huerta Memorial Hospital, where she headed straight for a figure seated in front of the vast window. He stood in a dark corner inconspicuously, drawing and aiming the stun dart pistol he'd bribed an old C-Sec buddy to allow him to carry around the Citadel.

Thane perked up in surprise when she sat next to him. "Back again, Shepard? I'm flattered."

"Just wanted to see how you were doing. Kaidan's up and about and he wants to get out of the hospital for a while to see a vid. If you're feeling all right, why don't you join us?"

Thane smiled at her gently, a tinge of sadness in his features. "I'm afraid I'll have to decline, Siha. It is better that I remain here, but please enjoy yourselves."

Garrus lowered and holstered his gun, suddenly feeling miserable. He had forgotten Thane was here. He decided to leave them to talk, not so much of an asshole that he'd interfere with a dying man's time with Shepard. As he stepped toward the door to figure out what to do about Kaidan, Dr. Michel's slender frame literally barreled into him from out of nowhere.

"Garrus!" she cried, throwing her arms around his torso. "I've been so worried! Commander Shepard won't answer my emails whenever I ask about you!"

He stiffened and, after making sure neither Shepard nor Thane had heard his name, pried the doctor off him and dragged her to the other end of the patient lounge behind a large divider. "I'm fine, Dr. Michel, but I'm a bit busy."

"And I'm sorry," she went on, not listening to him, "I had feelings for you for the longest time, but I went out for drinks with Major Alenko last year and I think I would like to try to make things work with him."

Garrus stared at her, processing her words. "Wait, really?"

"Yes, so please accept this box of Valentine's dextro amino chocolate as an apology."

"Oh. Sure. But…" He pointed to the individual who had emerged from the inpatient wing. "Isn't that him about to take Shepard out on a date?"

She whirled around, zeroing in on Kaidan's path to Shepard before launching herself forward to intercept him. The lounge erupted with the sharp inflection of her voice, her accent growing heavier as her ire increased. Shepard and Thane had risen from their seats and were making their way over to rescue a very bemused and intimidated Kaidan from the feisty doctor. Garrus skirted the wall to make himself less noticeable on his way to the exit, catching Shepard throwing up her arms in frustration before he grinned and slipped outside.

Twenty minutes later, he was back at his original spot near the security checkpoint of the docking bay, barely able to contain his amusement. When the elevator doors opened to reveal an exhausted Shepard, he gave her his most innocent look.

"Shepard. How did your other meetings go?"

She held up her hand warningly. "I don't want to talk about it. Just please tell me what you have in mind has to do with the bar."

"I already scoped it out. But then I thought if this was my last day alive, I'd actually like to remember it."

"So?"

"So… I had an idea."

x-x-x-x-x

Garrus was practically strutting as he boarded the Normandy behind Shepard, congratulating himself on a successful first Valentine's Day with her. After some smooth one-liners, a few kisses, and a friendly bottle-shooting competition that he totally won fairly, he was now officially her mate, or "boyfriend," as she had called it. He followed her to the CIC as she resumed her professional demeanor, most likely thinking she would be finishing up her schedule of meetings. Little did she know, that wouldn't be happening.

"Traynor, you ready for that one-on-one in my cabin?" Shepard asked the specialist, who had stolen an ensign's seat and flipped it backwards while EDI sat in front of her with a holographic chess board floating between them.

Samantha looked worse for wear, her hair in complete disarray and the collar of her uniform undone as she gazed up at Shepard with bloodshot eyes. "Sorry, Commander, but could you give me a bit more time? We've been at this match for two hours straight, and there is no way I am losing."

"Specialist Traynor has demonstrated exceptional skill and tenacity," EDI commented. "Even though I could have beaten her and ended the game ninety minutes ago, I would like to see how she continues to operate under extreme stress."

"Oh, sod off, you damned AI."

Shepard backed away slowly, edging toward the elevator. "Uh, okay. I guess I'll call up Allers or Vega first."

"Ms. Allers seems to be taking an extended nap in her room and I am detecting Lieutenant Vega's presence on the crew deck," EDI said helpfully and took one of Samantha's last pawns, earning an uncharacteristic snarl from the specialist. "I am also detecting a lot of movement on that floor."

"Thanks."

Shepard and Garrus piled into the elevator and took it down one level. As soon as they stepped out, James zoomed by faster than a man his size should have been able to move. Close behind was Dr. Chakwas, still clearly inebriated, wielding a razor in one hand and a tube of cream in the other. Shepard had frozen on the spot, not sure if she wanted to know what was going on. Not for the first time that day, Garrus had to cough to refrain from guffawing.

"For the last time, Doc, I don't have crabs!" James shouted from somewhere in the mess hall. "Who the hell told you that lie, anyway?"

"Now, James, pubic lice is an easily treatable ailment," Chakwas chided sternly. "There is no need to be ashamed. As your doctor, I am sworn to confidentiality."

"Everyone on the deck can hear us! Did you see the commander just now?!" he shrieked. "Lola, if you're still there, it's not true!"

Shepard turned back to the elevator. "I heard nothing."

"Gah! Watch where you swing that thing, Doc! I'm locking myself in the AI core."

As the two sets of footsteps rushed toward the med bay, Garrus rejoined Shepard in the small space and pressed the button for her cabin when she slumped against the wall.

"I don't know what the hell is going on with everyone today," she grumbled. "So far, you've been the only one who hasn't completely lost his mind."

He chucked her chin affectionately. "Hey, here's an idea. I have an old Blasto vid in my omni-tool that I think might cheer you up. We could watch it in your quarters. It's the least I could do as your boyfriend, right?"

She smiled tiredly, but with genuine warmth. "I'm game."

They reached her cabin and settled comfortably on one of the couches. Garrus slid an arm around her once he set up the projector on his omni-tool, and she laid her head on his shoulder as the opening credits started. He was about to revel in how perfectly everything had fallen into place when karma, in all her vengeful glory, chose that moment to strike. He and Shepard both started when the first scene of the vid filled the projector. The sight inflicted a substantial amount of mental scarring.

Male Elcor: Lustfully: Oh baby, oh baby. Do that thing with your trunk.

Female Elcor: Bored: I wonder if I paid the rent today?

Male Elcor: Frantically: Oh no. The prophylactic I was wearing slipped from my member.

Female Elcor: Still bored: I'm on the suppository. Idiot.

Male Elcor: Sheepishly: I may not have climaxed into that particular orifice.

Female Elcor: Alarmed and outraged: You dirty freak.

Blasto: Did this one hear his name being used in vain? Come here, and let this one apply the proper techniques to ensure optimal sexual enjoyment by the female elcor.

Male Elcor: Enraged: Blasto. I do not need you to pleasure my girlfriend. Not after what you did. To my sister.

Blasto: This one merely observes that the elcor's sister reached peak sexual pleasure after an extended period of time in the domicile wherein this one resides.

Male Elcor: Furious: Get out.

Female Elcor: Curious: Wait.

"Dear God, turn it off!" Shepard ordered, squeezing her eyes shut and covering her ears.

Garrus flung his omni-tool across the room in revulsion, watching it shatter next to the fish tank and not caring that he would have to spend thousands of credits to replace it. As his blood boiled with rage toward a certain deceitful pilot, he chanced a look at the woman next to him. She was glaring at him with enough venom to put a thresher maw to shame, and the only words she had left to speak were, to put it lightly, succinct.

"Leave. Now."

In the cockpit, despite spending hours apart from his valentine, Joker was grinning. He always had the last laugh.

x-x-x-x-x

A/N: This was just a bit of fun at the Mass Effect characters' expense for Valentine's Day coming up, and as with all my Mass Effect one-shots, this is a standalone Shepard. Also, I can't take credit for the Blasto vid scene; my best friend sent me that gem as a joke and I had to use it. Thanks for checking this out!