Title: The Secret Not Spoken

Rating: M

Author: Ellixer

Pairing: X/G

Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by Universal and others. The story is mine. I make nothing.

Note: Sequel of sorts to Unspoken. Listened to Cee lo green – fool for you

The Secret Not Spoken

Before a battle where you might die, you see loved ones embracing, uttering what might be their final words of love, kiss as if it's the last time, and linger till it's well past time to depart. Xena and I however, finalize plans and run in opposite directions. There may be a nod, an offer of good luck, but never anything more than this. And we know better than anyone that each battle we step into could be the last.

We cut ties so our thoughts can focus on the task and not each other. It took me some time to figure that out and perfect it, but I don't quite have down to the art that Xena has. Still, friends would have one last embrace before charging off to battle, yet we always stand apart.

A touch can mean nothing, or it can mean absolutely everything. When you strive to be close to someone but at the same time strive to never touch them when there are others around; you fear their touch. Boundaries and rules are established between secret lovers without so much as a word.

Yet out on the battlefield we still scream out for each other. In the tumult of metal and blood we do our job; but as we watch out fellow fighters go down, all we can think is of each other. Though once the battle is over, the final swords have finished clashing; we stand side by side as friends. Those minutes spent in an agonizing search to make sure each other was ok has been pushed aside.

A part of me wants to cry at this forced distance. No one can ever see what we truly feel, but our love leaps out of our chests. Alone together, we allow lingering touches followed by gazes that hint at a lust not yet tapped into.

One night together, never to be mentioned again. Something's shifted between us though and we can't simply ignore it. Still we never speak a word of what we are truly thinking outside of words we've already spoken before.

I'm writing all this down on a scroll I know I'll be destroying later. It helps to unscramble my thoughts, to express the things I can't tell anyone. Xena is asleep for the moment, her breathing slow and even. I feel sometimes I expect too much from her; I want things that I can never have.

With a flick of my wrist I toss the scroll into the fire. As my words burn their ashes floating off on the breeze taking some of the pain away. Maybe somewhere it will whisper in someone's ear, change someone's life in a way I can't change mine.

'Why do you do that?' I'm not completely surprised by Xena's husky, barely awake voice. It does help to stop the tumult of foolish thoughts floating through my head.

'Do what?' The last of the scroll burns away but I don't take my eyes from the dancing flames.

'The last few nights you spend an hour writing, then you throw it in the fire.' She sits up; her body still a good foot away from me at this point.

'It's things that are personal, that I can't tell anyone. ' I might as well tell the truth, at least most of it. 'When I burn it, there's a small weight lifted off my body and I feel like I can breathe again.' Leaning back on my hands I finally turn my eyes towards her.

'You can't tell me?' I smile to myself. She doesn't want to listen to me go on and on about my feelings.

'Really?' I smirk at her. She shrugs her shoulders, admitting defeat before a battle can be fought.

'Well, you know I'll listen if you need me to.' She reclines back, fingers lacing under her head as she stares up at the sparkling night sky.

'It makes me feel better.' I say. She's just trying to be my friend; I love her for it. Lying down I pull the fur tight around my shoulders.

'Gabrielle?' Her voice is so soft and quiet, like she's half asleep.

'Ya?' I close my eyes, trying to ease my body into sleep.

'Gabrielle?' Her voice is more insistent. My eyes pop open as I twist under the fur so I can look back at her. It looks as if there's something right on the tip of her lips that she just can't seem to get out; as if the words themselves are too bulky to physically pass.

I sit up, scooting till I'm just in front her. Hugging my knees to my chest I wait. Her jaw clenches and unclenches, the muscles constantly moving beneath her skin. We end up sitting here, staring at each other unable to communicate. The tips of her fingers touch the outside of my calf, as if just to see if I'm real.

The muscles in her jaw relax, but the features of her face shift. Curiosity is eating away at me as her eyes seem to look me over. Her other hand moves to the other calf, just as soft though the intention seems different. I'm swallowing hard as this tiny touch makes my skin tingle and my body flush.

Xena's suddenly up on her knees then moving towards me, her body pushing my legs apart as she guides me down; settling in between them. In the same swooping movement her lips attack mine; tongue immediately seeking out my own. I feel her hand grasp my hair, making a fist and pulling on it. It doesn't hurt though, no it oddly feels good and I love it.

My body is raging with sensations, causing my brain to become flustered. It takes a second for my own hands to move in search of anything to grasp onto. They find their way to her waist, my fingers squeezing into her skin as I try to pull her body more against mine.

We're kissing as if tomorrow we'll die, as if it's something we need in order to just keep our hearts beating. There's barely a hitch in the attack we relent on each other, barely enough air to breath in between soul searing kisses. But we do manage to separate for a few seconds as hands and fingers tear away at clothes. As her warm, naked lies down upon mine I stop breathing. Our eyes meet for a brief second and then again it's all lips and tongue. This time hands wander in desperation, eager to soak up every inch of skin. My body shudders and shakes under her experienced hands, soon forcing me wrench my lips from hers as my head arches back.

Sloppy wet kisses make their way down my throat and into the valley of my breasts. My hands tangle in her hair when her tongue comes out flicking against my nipple. It's brief as she continues her downward journey at a break neck pace. There is no hesitation or question as her tongue soon delves deep into me.

I can't contain the guttural groans that she elicits from me as my hips jerk against her face. The vibrations of her groans travel deep into me; a sensation that makes me want to scream, it feels so good. She's grasping my hips, pulling me more into her as if we could actually get any closer than we already are.

I can't control the reaction my body has when she suddenly has her fingers inside of me. I'm lifting practically all the way off the ground; the only thing holding me down is Xena as she snakes back up my body. Her eyes lock onto mine, refusing to waver as she thrusts in and out of my body. I try to keep my eyes open, to keep that eye contact but I'm finding it impossible.

God's I feel like I'm going to explode; like there's something in my chest that wants to jump out. It's nearly so much that it's becoming painful, but what beautiful pain. Then I do explode, I think literally, as so many sensations run through my body over running my brain and any essential functions.

My body is shaking uncontrollably as my breathing resumes and my heart beats once more. I'm not cold, far from it, I feel as there is a fire burning between our two bodies. I'm coming down from a high that I've never had before and now I'm going through withdrawal.

All I can seem to do is stare up at the stars, waiting for function to return to my limbs. Still Xena say's nothing as she throws a blanket over us. Her arm loosely encircles my waist; her body adjusts to curl next to me. I feel like there's something I should say, something we should be talking about. The silence though is not heavy or tension filled; it merely is.

I feel though if I don't say something that I will cry. Something seems to have crawled into my throat and I'm desperately trying to reign in my emotions.

'Xena.' My voice crackles. She says nothing but I can feel her breathing against my temple. I swallow, trying to force down the thing in my throat. 'Xena?' It sounds desperate even to my own ears. Still I'm greeted with silence. 'Xena?' Her name is practically a sob now as it leaves my lips searching for her ears.

'I'm sorry.' This all she says to me.

'Xena?' I can't hold the tears that begin to fall from my eyes. Her body shifts as she begins to move away from me. With the little energy I have left, my hands races for her arm. What is it that I have to do to get her to understand? 'Don't leave.' Her body is stiff, her back turned to me as she refuses to look back.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean..' She stumbles over her words; I can't for the life of me figure out what she's apologizing for. I sit up, pressing my body into her back as my arms wrap around her waist.

'Stop being so stupid.' I whisper into her back, somehow hoping this command is all I need.

'Gabrielle.' She can barely say my name.

'Stop.' I squeeze my arms tighter around her body.

'We shouldn't..'

'Shut up!' I yell against her back, my lips dripping with spittle and tears. I undo my hold on her, instead grasping at her head, trying to get her to turn and face me. There is a small struggle but she relents. There is genuine regret in her eyes and it hurts me more than I thought anything ever would. I let her go, I can't hold onto someone who can't hold me just as tightly.

I begin to scramble, reaching for my clothes and throwing them on in a chaotic fashion. She does nothing, just sits with her back to me. I want to yell at her, to scream and rip at her skin till she bleeds, but I don't. My heart is breaking into so many pieces that I'll never be able to put it back together. I'm stupid, I'm so stupid but I cant help myself.

I fall to my knees again, unable to actually move from the spot I was standing at. My hands wipe the tears from my face in a furious movement.

'You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me.' The first full sentence I've managed to get out and it's not as strong as I want it to be. I still sound weak and defeated, but I refuse to surrender. 'Say what you want. I know.' I jab my finger hard into my chest for emphasis even though she can't see it. 'I know.'

She gets up, dressing back into her leathers. Her body movement is smooth and un-halting, like I'm not even here saying these things to her. I'm nothing at the moment, I don't exist. But that is her goal; she wants me to feel that, to push me away till I hate her more than I love her.

'I love you.' My eyes are pleading at her back, trying to pierce into her heart.

'We can't.' Her voice has regained its deep commanding tone.

'It's too late.'

'It's never too late.' She whispers, head barely turning towards me as she speaks.

'There's nothing to lose.'

'There's everything to lose!' Her voice tremors in anger as she finally turns to me. I make it back to my feet shakily, I still refuse to back down.

'If you keep doing this,' I pause thinking about my next words carefully. 'Then you will lose everything.' Her face falls but her defenses remain high.

'Don't.' She pleads. I move towards her, reaching out for her arms.

'Nothing's changing.'

'Everything will change.' She scoffs but doesn't move away from my grasp.

'Only for you and me. No one else will see it; it'll be just you and me. Really, you and me.' I feel like I'm not explaining myself right. 'I already love you, you can't change that.'

'I can try.' It stings but I push the comment away.

'You've already lost that battle.' We stand in front of each other, barely moving or breathing. We stand till we can't stand anymore, then we sit. It's becoming hard to stay awake, even though the sun will begin to rise soon. I'll fall asleep before she cracks, I know this but I need to say one last thing. 'It's your choice, you know mine.

I lay down, pulling the blanket over me that still smells of our sweat. It's overwhelming but I can only fight so much. It's her choice, but I won't let that be the end for us no matter what the decision. As I close my eyes, I know when I open them again wither she will still be here or she'll have gone. But just because she runs, doesn't mean I won't follow. Either way, there's nothing for me to do now, it's in the hands of fate.