Homeward

Castle wakes drenched in sweat with two heavy bodies lying practically on his back. He lifts his head and turns to look, and he sees his son drooling on his arm and beyond him, Kate.

Kate is nearly cuddling. Nearly.

But they have a rule. No kids sleeping in the bed - not all night. And he is totally taking this kid back upstairs. Question is - how does he do that without waking Dash and ruining all their good work?

Huh. Conundrum. Too middle-of-the-night for Castle to actually figure out an inventive solution, so he just gives up and rotates his arm until he can palm his son's head. Dash snuffles in his sleep and closes his mouth, but he doesn't wake.

Castle eases up and untangles from Kate's legs before sliding out of bed. He curls his arm in and his son comes to his chest, startling a little and clutching his father's shirt. Castle pauses, waits him out, and Dash eases back down into sleep again.

He lifts up, his son cradled like a baby in his arms, and he slowly walks through the open doorway and into the living room. The nightlight is on under the stairs, and he uses its golden glow to navigate the steps, glancing down to Dashiell to make sure the boy stays asleep.

In the hallway, Dash jerks in his dreams, and Castle pulls him closer, tighter, and nudges through the door of his son's room. The darkness here is absolute, and the big boy bed is still something the whole family is getting used to, so Castle steps carefully, trying not to stub a toe.

Like the night before.

He finds the edge of the bed and pushes a knee into it, gently lowers his son to the mattress. The covers are all tossed back and Castle doesn't feel the pillow yet, but he cups the back of Dash's neck and pulls the sheet and comforter back over him. Using his feet, he finally finds the pillow on the floor, puts it under the kid's head.

Dashiell mumbles in his sleep and flops towards his father; Castle freezes and breathes shallowly, waiting, and then Dash sighs. He seems okay, so Castle straightens up and hunts for the weighted blanket that Julie, the therapist, recommended they use.

He doesn't find it, so it must be at the foot of the bed, so he just lets that go. Hopefully, his son will manage to sleep the rest of the night without needing it.

Castle turns and heads for the doorway, but a quiet little voice stops him in his tracks.

"Daddy?"

He comes back to the bed with a sigh and sinks down on his knees beside his son. "Yeah, my man."

"Thank you for my birthday, Daddy," Dashiell sighs out. Castle feels his little fingers poking into the crook of his father's arm, then curling at his bicep. "It was so the best ever."

"I'm glad you liked it," Castle murmurs, bending over to brush a kiss at his son's forehead. "Happy Birthday, Dash."

The little fingers relax and then fall from Castle's arm back to the bed. He can't help but giving his now-three year old one more good night kiss, and then he moves away and stands sentinel in the doorway guarding his son's sleep.

The wild man is three. And Castle's baby daughter will be a year old in a few months. He has this life that feels like - so often - the most amazing things happen to him, and keep happening, and even though he knows he's been through some hard times, that he and Kate have had their issues and their obstacles and their terrors, this life is more than he could ever have imagined and written for himself.

And then of course, there are times he feels like he's drowning, like nothing is going right, like the weight of the world is his, but then there's Kate.

He never wants to take her or their family for granted or let his pride start telling him he deserves all of this, because he knows better. He hasn't been the best man in this lifetime, but he hopes he continues to be the best man for his wife, the best father for his children. He hopes he is.

If he can just manage that. If he can hold on to this family-

"Missed you," a whisper comes through the darkness.

He turns in Dash's doorway and sees Kate in his tshirt and those skimpy shorts, her hair waving around her head and touching her shoulders. She gestures for him to come out and he leaves the quiet of his son's bedroom and partly closes the door.

"Missed me?" he says softly, a grin flirting with the edges of his mouth.

She winks at him and steps closer, wraps her arms around his waist. "Not really. I just got cold."

He laughs quietly and leans in to press his lips to hers, pulling her close enough so that their hips kiss as well.

"I was gonna check on Ellery," he murmurs after a moment, unwilling to move from the circle of her embrace or the warmth of her mouth.

"That's one kid that won't wake," she hums, lifting up on her toes to drop a kiss to his eyebrow. Her fingers skate up his sides and then gently push him away, turning for the girls' room. Alexis is in Chicago for school now, but her bed is still made, and some of her things are here.

He probably won't ever stop calling it her room, but now when they step past the threshold, the crib is right under the big framed photograph of the polar bear, the walls are a muted lavender that looks nearly grey, and the lullaby stars illuminate the ceiling to the quiet strains of rain falling.

"I like this setting," he murmurs to her.

Kate laughs gently at him and her hand comes to his, fingers interlacing. "I like to go back and forth between the rain sounds and the lullabies. Ellery likes to kinda - I don't know - I think she's trying to sing along. She makes those cute noises; I like to turn up the baby monitor and listen."

He grins so widely that it almost hurts and he turns to Kate and kisses her cheek because his wife is adorable like this, loving their kids and taking such pleasure in them. She's biting her bottom lip and rolling her eyes, but she knocks her hip into him and heads for the crib.

Ellery is on her stomach, her bottom in the air with her legs curled up under her. She's got a loose hold on her lovey, a polka dot blanket in brown and mint green, and her mouth is open in that perfect pink rosebud. Her lashes fall in dark shadows on her cheeks, and her breathing is soft and slow.

Kate leans against his shoulder and they stand side by side at the crib, watching their daughter sleep. And it hits him, suddenly, what they've done, what stretches out endlessly before them. So far Ellery doesn't show any of the same signs as her brother - no colic that can't be cured, no aversion to light, no manic energy - but what if it's something else? What if the champion sleeper thing is just a symptom of some other issue? And all over again they'll have to do battle just to give his baby girl a fighting chance.

He can't help but worry how they're going to do this, with one kid who can't fall asleep and another who could sleep away the day. And what about when one kid goes to elementary school and other is at preschool? Getting them up and ready and who does what and takes which one where, and in the meantime there are calls for a fresh body or an emergency or he has to turn in his pages or his son's issues are making them crazy. Will they have to always treat Dash differently, will his sister come to resent the special attention, will Castle somehow let her slip through the cracks?

After a long, quiet, and desperate moment of staring at this tiny defenseless infant they've created and thrust into the world, he realizes that Kate is looking at him and no longer at Ellery. He turns his gaze to his wife and finds her studying him like he's - like he's the reason for all this, like he's given her some stunning, beautiful gift.

"Kate?" he whispers.

She presses her lips together, but her eyes speak even as she's pushing him back outside their daughter's room and into the hallway once more. She wraps her arms around him in a sudden, joyful movement, and he feels her grin against his neck in between her soft kisses.

"Look at what we did, Castle. We made some amazing kids."

And his breath catches because that's exactly what he needed to hear.

She's trailing down the stairs after him, her fingers skimming the bannister, when he suddenly turns around at the bottom and halts her with his hands on her waist. When she meets his eyes, he looks intent.

He clears his throat but his voice still rasps. "Kate, I have to say - I love you. I just - I don't think you know just how much you've kept me afloat the past year and a half. I'm so grateful I'm not doing this alone."

She stares, stunned by him, and then she wraps her arms around his neck and leans in, cradling his head against her chest as if she can protect him. From whatever it is he's struggling against.

"Rick. Hey, it's okay. You do the same for me."

His arms are a little fierce, but he lets her go and lifts his eyes, so serious and determined. "Kate, a year and a half ago, I was drowning. I was sinking in it. But you wouldn't let me; you saw what was happening and you forced us to change. And then the therapy - I thought it was going to kill me, but it's made everything - amazing."

Kate bites the inside of her lip to keep back an I told you so that wants to tumble out. It's scary just how much she's become her own mother. She finds herself sounding exactly like Johanna. "Rick, you-"

"No, wait, just - you know. Listen." He gives her a quirky grin, using their stupid therapy lines against her. "I want you to hear this. To know. With all of Dash's special stuff, Kate, I've felt completely worthless. I freaked out, and I know it - I'm still freaking out every now and then-"

"Yeah, I kinda noticed you freaking out," she grins and strokes her fingers through the hair at his temple. "I've had my moments, too. Don't worry."

"Yeah, but you're perfect at this. This is so your thing; you got it immediately, while I'm still struggling to be consistent and have a schedule and do all those little things that make it easier on him. You just know exactly what to do; you always have. Even before we had help, you've been good for him."

Oh, wow, how it eases her heart to hear that - he thinks she's good for Dash. She knows she's reserved and she can be inflexible, but to know that she's managed to turn those things into positives for Dash's sake, to be steady and stable for him, be the kind of mom he needs-

"You're so good for him, Kate," he sighs.

She drops her head and kisses Castle's cheeks, his mouth, but he puts her off, his forehead leaning against hers, and so she plays with the hair at the nape of his neck, knowing he's got to get this confession off his chest.

"I start to think I'm no good at this, Kate."

"Oh, Castle-"

"I mean. Rules and order and behavioral therapy? That's never gonna be me. And then something like tonight comes along and you just - you show me again how I'm good for him too. How I can actually help him-"

She presses her mouth against his to rub out his fears, to shut him up, whichever she can manage. He grips her tighter and she wishes she had the words he needs to hear, wishes she could convince him of the truth. She tries anyway - that's what she learned in therapy.

"Castle, you are the best father - for both our kids. The only one who could do it. We complement each other and we make it work for our family, remember? You were the one who told me that, back when I was the one freaking out. We do what works for our family - no matter what it looks like to anyone else."

He huffs a little laugh against her cheek and pulls back, smiling up at her with that little boy look - the one she sees in Dash so often these days.

He fiddles with the hem of her sleep shirt. "You know, upstairs I was looking at baby girl and all I could - it just got overwhelming. What if she has issues too - but what if they're different problems - what if, what if. And then you looked at me and you were so. . .happy."

"Of course I'm happy," she laughs, tracing her finger down the deep frown line bracketing his mouth. "Oh, Rick, aren't you-"

"Yeah," he says quickly, gruffly. "I'm more than - it's more than - Kate. Wow." He stands at the base of the stairs, staring up at her like all of his words have left him, and it makes her smile wider, makes her proud to be part of it. "I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore but sometimes I get stuck. I get stuck, Kate, and you get me unstuck."

She laughs softly again, presses her thumbs into those lines at his mouth and then leans in, brushing her lips over his so gently, so tenderly, trying to say the same.

When she pulls back, all that adoration is on his face, beaming and lovestruck and gorgeous. Kate cards her fingers through his hair and finally - for once in her life - finds the words she wants him to hear.

"I know, Castle. You're perfect for me too."