Chapter XI: The Marauders
and the Goblet of Fire
"I'm so bored," whined Sirius, flopping onto James's bed with an impact that scattered some papers, which floated slowly to the floor. "Peter, keep painting that piece of posterboard so I can watch the paint dry, would you?"
Peter hastily added another coat of black paint to the posterboard.
"Look, James, see how it goes from shiny to matte as it dries?"
"That is kind of cool, isn't it?" James replied, and he and Sirius continued to stare at the posterboard.
Remus tried his best to ignore this brilliant exchange as he flipped through Not-So-Temporary Insanity: A Study of Illegal Brain-Numbing Hexes. So far, none of the hexes described would explain the situation at Hogwarts. He glanced up to find Peter jotting down "likes watching paint dry" in his notebook about James. He had a brief thought that this probably wasn't the sort of information Voldemort wanted, followed by another brief thought that perhaps he should be taking this whole "Peter-working-for-Voldemort" scenario more seriously.
Before he had too much time to consider this, something fell from the general direction of the ceiling, hitting Peter on the head and sending him sprawling into the half-dry paint. After a good laugh at his expense, James and Sirius picked up the object in question. It was a rather thick book, so their interest was negligible.
"Look James, this boy on the cover looks vaguely like you. And has your last name," Sirius said, still obviously bored.
"Yeah," James said. Sirius flipped through the book.
"Hey," he said, sounding slightly less bored. "This book says it was published several decades in the future! And it hit Peter in the head!" He started laughing, remembering this. Peter scowled a bit, trying to wipe the paint off of his face. "But how did it get here," Sirius continued, looking slightly puzzled.
"I must have accidentally conjured it because I'm bored," James replied with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "After all, I control space and time."
"Oh, you mean with that magical screwdriver your dad gave you, since he's the Minister of Magic?"
"Yep."
"Oh, so you two are cousins?" Remus asked, simply to be an annoyance.
"Huh?" was Sirius's intelligent reply.
"Well, if your uncle is the Minister of Magic, and James's father is the Minister of Magic, assuming that the Minister of Magic is one person, you're cousins."
James and Sirius pointedly ignored him. "Well, we could try reading it," James said. "After all, the Yule Ball isn't until tomorrow."
"Ugh, don't remind me," Sirius said, flopping onto the bed with the book. "I haven't decided which generic girl to go with yet. Maybe I should go with all of them."
"Well, you know that Lily is really keen on you going with her friend...er...Rayden, or something like that? And Remus, you're going to go with...Aura, aren't you?"
Remus shrugged, figuring this was a response James would understand. He was right, as James nodded appreciatively at him and kept talking. "Well, I suppose we could read the book for a bit and then go set off fireworks in the Slytherin bathroom or something."
"Or we could dye Snape's hair...RED! For Christmas!"
"Great idea, Sirius! Peter? Did we tell you to stop painting?"
Peter whimpered and hastily dipped his brush in the paint.
"Chapter One," Sirius began. "The Riddle House. The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it 'the Riddle House,' even though it had been many years since the Riddle family had lived there. It stood on a hill overlooking the village----"
"Landscape descriptions!" snorted James. "How boring! This is just exposition crap; cut to the violent parts! Or the sex parts? Are there sex parts?"
"Well," said Sirius, skimming a bit. "At the end of this chapter, we find out that Peter is working for Voldemort and they kill some old Muggle guy. Geez Peter, you sure are a snivelling prat." Peter squirmed, almost dropping the paintbrush, obviously afraid that someone was about to accuse him of being a traitor and hex him, but nothing of the sort happened.
"Old Muggle guy? He was probably going to die soon, anyway. Find something cooler," said James.
"Er...they're having a Triwizard Tournament, too...but it's not as cool as ours, no revealing costumes at all..."
"Skip it, then...unless it divulges the third task so we can cheat!"
Sirius's face brightened at this prospect, and he flipped through the book. "Well, so far their first two tasks have been different than ours...they had...dragons and...something with the lake...and---hey! I'm in this book! And you're dead! Lily's dead, too. James, we have to go to the future again and stop---what the hell?! I live in a fucking cave?! That's what I've been reduced to?! I live in a cave and eat rats and advise your stupid orphan son about dragons?! What happened to my throng of screaming admirers? What happened to my leather pants? What a stupid book!"
"Does it say what the third task is?" James asked, unfazed.
Sirius flipped through the book again, looking sulky. "Some kind of maze with animals and people die. Oh, and by the way, your son's a crazy wanker who talks to snakes and he has a facial disfiguration and the whole school thinks he's dangerous and disturbed and they hate him, so there."
James shrugged. "So it's a maze, is it?"
"Yes, James, it's a bloody maze," Sirius said, still agitated. "But I really think you're missing the point here! You're dead. Your son contributes to the second rise of Voldemort. I don't get to shave for weeks on end! Something has to be done! I mean, a little roguish stubble is okay but after a few days---"
"What kind of maze? Like a house of mirrors, or one of those corn husk mazes in the shape of dinosaurs?"
"It's made out of hedges, okay, giant hedges! You need to stop worrying about the Triwizard Tournament, can't you see this is bigger than that? My image...er...your life is at stake here!"
Remus would have agreed Sirius had a point, had he not been completely sure that the only reason he was so worried was the whole "loss-of-leather-pants" deal.
"My son, huh?" James said, taking the book from Sirius and looking fondly at the cover. "He looks just like me. How cute." He flipped through the book. "And he's a Quidditch player, just like his dad!"
Remus decided to risk speaking. "Er, James, as cute as this sudden moment of paternal affection is, I think Sirius has got a point---"
"I do?" Sirius broke in, justifiably surprised.
"Yes," Remus said, "you have a point, if a slightly misguided one. Maybe we could try and use this book to figure out how to keep the atrocities at a minimum? You know, stave off a little bit of the death and destruction?"
"And the living in caves?"
"Yes, Sirius, and the living in caves."
"Good."
James was thinking, which looked like it pained him. "You know," he said slowly, "I think you're right...maybe we can use this book to defeat Voldemort!"
"Yes, exactly---"
But James kept speaking, cutting Remus off midsentence. "I mean, it is really heavy! I bet if I threw it at him, he'd die!!"
"But you know what would be even better?" Sirius said suddenly. James turned to him and raised his eyebrows. "If we threw the book at Snape!!!"
"Before or after we dye his hair red?"
"Before, so then when we dye his hair we can say it's 'adding insult to injury'!!"
James's momentarily serious face broke out into a grin. "Sirius, you always have the best ideas! And it will be a great way to kill time until the Yule Ball!"
James and Sirius dashed out of the room with the tome, and Remus decided to give in to his desires and smacked himself in the head with Not-So-Temporary Insanity a few times.
As he blinked the stars out of his eyes, he noted that Peter was still painting the posterboard, quivering. Remus left the room without telling him to stop.