Ok, so this is most likely utter Crack but I don't care! It had to be written down before it would burst my poor head and it did interfere with my current story writing, so go and sue me if you want to. This is what happens when a authoress does not sleep enough and drinks too much coffee, because she had to work overtime and finds no Bilbo/Bofur story to read online to relax, that she doesn't know already and has read a trillion times before.

Sidenote; I have an account on archive of our own replaying to comments is easier there.

the name is Suryallee there too

Little Terror's,

Or; How Bilbo and Gandalf became fathers for one day of a group of Thirteen Dwarves quite unexpectedly.

"This has to be a nightmare! What in the name of the Valar happened to them, Gandalf!?"

All had been well with Bilbo…well as well could get he supposed, when he had fallen asleep in Beorn's house in between a group of Dwarves. Very much adult…well, more or less in some cases…but still, Grown Up Dwarves!

He was awoken rather cutely from a tiny looking Dwarvling with messy dark curls and big cerulean eyes that had one thumb stuck in his mouth while a decidedly dirty looking little hand patted softly at his face. Next to the little sprite sat another, slightly older Dwarvling with Blond hair and familiar blue eyes that had one hand fisted into the first ones oversized clothing that looked suspiciously like the under tunic that Kili had worn when he had gone to sleep and his other hands thumb stuck firmly in his mouth too.

The latter little one was stack naked.

Groaning, Bilbo closed his eyes again, and if only in the faint hope that this, had to be a dream and that ,he would wake up soon…alas, it was not to be. They snapped open right away again, when another Dwarvling suddenly choose to use his stomach as a seat! That the little menace looked a bit too much like a little version of Thorin Oakenshield to his likening and had Bilbo up and screaming for Gandalf in under a minute.

Two hours later, Bilbo was short from strangling Gandalf.

Two hours, of fighting down a band of Dwarvling' s into bathing and keeping clean afterwards. Feeding them, whilst looking out that they would not start a new food fight and berating Gandalf for not warning them to not drink a certain Ale of a certain shapeshifter, at the same time.

Luckily, Bilbo had been too tired to join their happy drinking feast last night and so, had escaped the spell that was now placed on his company members.

Sadly, that made him now the official babysitter of said Dwarves that had him wishes to have staid in his cozy little home in the Shire! Since, as it looked to Bilbo, little Dwarves turned out to be a handful to babysit. Always getting into trouble, like little Took Hobbitling's and prone to causing just as much mischief everywhere with ease as the aforementioned Tookling's he did know. They were lots more energetic as little Hobbits and louder too and Beorn had not been happy to learn that Gandalf had forgotten to tell Thorin and Co about that particular ale beforehand.

Currently Bilbo had to separate Dwalin and Nori, again.

The two seemed to love it to pull at each others whiskers until one cried out and that just wouldn't do, since it also tended to end up in crying fits, fistfights and name callings in the end as it had done so before a few times in the last few hours. Settling Nori back next to his brothers, Bilbo addressed an equally stressed looking Gandalf who currently tried to keep Thorin from sneaking out on him… for a second time.

"How long until they are back to their normal charming self's, oh great Wizard!?"

Said Wizard barely spared Bilbo a glare before he grumbled something into his beard whilst he sat the pouting Thorin down at the table again with one arm and fished after a surprisingly fast crawling Balin with the other at the meanwhile.

The latter had nearly managed it by now to reach the doors.

"Sometime along this day or after the next night, I…Umpf! Please do not pull on my beard again, little Dori! At least I believe so, Bilbo." Another yelp of pain escaped him when Dori promptly choose not to listen and tucked yet again…hard, to get his attention.

Looking around, Bilbo fast noticed it that the formerly youngest of the group of Dwarves, Ori, Kili and Fili were the easiest to manage.

Reduced to no more than swaddling babies in the wake of the magic that was woven into the specific Ale that had caused the mess in the first place. They weren't the problem, easily distracted with the toys that Bilbo found in Bofur's pockets when he had folded the clothes of them all… but the older ones were another story to tell! Specifically told; Thorin, Dwalin Gloin, Bifur and Nori, who seemingly had nothing else as mischief running through their little devious minds.

Balin was relatively easy to handle along with Dori, Oin and Bombur.

He fast found out that these four just wanted to be left alone… well, not too alone or they would come looking, feeling abandoned and crying. But alone enough to play or read silently as it was in Balin's and Oin's case, or in Dori's and Bombur's case, to bake little sand cakes in the middle of Beorn's yard under the watchfully eyes of the shapeshifter's animal friends and Beorn himself.

Thorin, Dwalin, Gloin, Nori and Bifur on the other hand had constantly tried to get away to play warrior with sticks and everything else that they could get their little hands on in the surrounding woods. With Gandalf hot on their tails to keep them out of trouble. Making a mess out of themselves and the poor Wizard in the progress.

Bilbo's first deed done, once he awoke, was to hide away the various deadly weapons from the curios fife terrors, seeing them eying the arsenal lying around.

All run around in the house, more or less naked as the day they were born since none of their usual clothing fit the tykes anymore. It spared Bilbo mercifully from it to have to redress them all the time. He had fastened some kind of smallclothes for them all out of rags that Beorn kindly had provided from somewhere. Luckily, it was late summer and warm enough outside or they would have been in trouble!

And Bofur?

He had been the easiest to manage from the entire troupe of little troublemakers, seemingly content to just follow Bilbo around wherever he went and talking softly to him in Khuzdul that Bilbo did not understand. Grapping his hand or fisting his hands into Bilbo's clothes, hanging himself on Bilbo's back when he crouched down and seating himself into Bilbo's lap to nestle up to the Hobbit whenever Bilbo sat down for a second. He once even gave the startled Hobbit a sloppy wet smooch on the face, that had Bilbo laughing and hug him in return. The tyke promptly smiled and snuggled closer.

He wouldn't leave Bilbo alone…not even when the Hobbit needed to go to the privy! He stood loudly wailing and kicking the door outside until Bilbo opened the door again.

"Stop this nonsense at once, Thorin Oakenshield! Give Gloin his hair clasp back immediately and stop to harass the others or you will get no dessert!" Bilbo's strict voice left for no argument. Bizarrely enough, the currently chibified King under the Mountain did as he was told with a huff and than sat down with a pout. The older ones had all been reduced to an age of maybe fife to six human years whilst Ori, Kili and Fili now looked like two to three years old toddlers.

The Durin brothers seemed content with it to just sit on either side of Ori for the most of the time, all three softly babbling in what Bilbo thought to be baby Khuzdul to each other, or patting the others, or simply crawl all over the others…or to be feed by Bilbo, like as in right now.

They had refused to let Gandalf feed them.

All three had wailed like little Ringwraiths, as Gandalf had called it, until Bilbo came… the moment they saw him all three stopped, smiled, and cooed at Bilbo in unison. Gandalf had muttered under his breath seeing the little devils behave for the Hobbit but left it at that and minded the older ones.

Bilbo watched Bifur, whose axe seemed to have shrunk with him, harass Gandalf into submission until the Wizard gave it up and hoisted him up on one arm with another low grumble. Bilbo let a sigh escape and feed Kili another piece of neatly sliced bread with honey whilst avoiding it skillfully to be grabbed by the sticky fingers of Fili. Bofur sat once again in his lap and ate rather neatly his share in silence, one hand fisted tightly into the hem of Bilbo's garments.

This would be loooong hours until all became normal again!

When evening came, Bilbo sported a few new bruises, and Gandalf sported a lot untidy braids woven messily into his long beard hair. At least the braiding kept Thorin, Gloin and Dwalin busy long enough so they had a short pause from the eventful day.

Little Ori was still held captive by the Durin duo with the addition that Dori and Nori had vacated to the group of cute toddlers with the papers and coals that Bilbo had found in the home of the shapeshifter. The drawing kept them both occupied. The three toddlers currently took an afternoon nap in between the two older Dwarves, all clutching to each other in their sleep.

Bilbo wished he were an artist so he could capture the cute picture that they presented!

Bofur still clunk faithfully to him. He had even helped him make sandwiches for the ever-hungry group of little pest's and one time he had caught Bifur for Bilbo, when the tyke had tried to get away from a sponge down.

As weird as it was, the entire troupe of little menaces did not listen to any word that Gandalf said but once Bilbo raised his voice, even Thorin could suddenly remember some manners and behave. It had the Wizard arch a brow at Bilbo while Bilbo shrugged and ignored the questioning look from Gandalf with ease. He didn't know either why they behaved for him and not for Gandalf.

So far, they had an eventful day almost fully behind them.

Dwalin had nearly fallen into the deep river outside on his adventures with Thorin and Nori. He had to be rescued from Gandalf who in turn slipped on the river stones and fell in instead and cussed up a storm with a bawling Dwarvling in his arms once he got out again. Only to be hissed at from Bilbo for the cussing.

Gandalf just handed him the sobbing Dwalin over with another glare and stomped inside to change into dry clothes. After successfully calming down Dwalin and returning him to his now howling brother Balin who had been scared from the entire event, he had the duo follow him around too.

Thorin nearly was stung by one of Beorn's Bees when he tried to get to their honey… Bilbo just barely managed to rescue the little King from their anger and was attacked as a substitute. Still, he only gave the boy a smaller lecture when he saw Thorin tear up a little after seeing Bilbo grimace at the pain of the sting of the huge Bee.

Another little Dwarf begun to follow Bilbo none too subtly around.

Nori became friendly after Bilbo made him a strawberry dessert that he wanted badly and for the rest of the day he got all kinds of presents from the cheeky little Dwarf in return. A worm here, a stone there, Thorin's pipe weed that he had liberated from the packs but when he finally brought Bilbo a tress of Gandalf's beard with a triumphant grin, Bilbo had to sit him down and explain to him why one shouldn't cut off the hair of Wizards meanwhile Gandalf glared mightily down at them both.

A seeable uneven tear now in his beard were the tyke had managed to slice a part off with a kitchen knife 'borrowed' from Beorn's table when Gandalf was skillfully distracted from Dwalin and Balin.

From there on, Nori slyly resorted back to bring Bilbo animal wildlife and stones again.

Bifur managed to burn Gandalf's hat when he tried to roast it on a stick over the fire pit whilst no one was looking after the silent little Dwarf and Kili managed it somehow to topple the water jug all over Fili at a time.

Dori nearly fell down the staircase to the cellar in the house when he got too curios.

Gandalf had to board it up afterwards so not another one of the group got too curios too and actually managed to fall down completely. Fili did pee insolently on Beorn's huge bed what had the shifter scowl at the wet bedding later and Kili tried to eat up Bilbo's left big toe when he got too hungry. Hence why Bilbo wobbled awkwardly at the present.

And if that wasn't enough for one day, Gloin got stuck inside the bowel of the restroom when he crawled onto the big thing to pee and slipped in by accident. Gandalf and Beorn had to destroy the bowel to get the madly howling boy out again.

What ended into a headed debate between Beorn and Gandalf… outside, because Bilbo's livid glare send both angry men running when they begun to cuss in frontage of the impressionable little ones.

Ori crawled at one point under the planks of the bedding place and had to be coaxed out again with cakes, Balin nearly ate a poisoned mushroom handed to him innocently by Dori, Oin painted Bifur green with some leaves and both had to be bathed, over again.

Bilbo heaved a sigh; with a little luck, the day would end soon and all would revert back to their true selves, because he did not think that he would survive another day of Dwarf sitting if not!

Dinner ended in another food fight, started by Dwalin and Dori, that in turn ended into another force bathing of thirteen slippery Dwarvlings for Bilbo and Gandalf. In the end, Bilbo had to tuck them all in and tell the entire troupe a made up bedtime story about an evil Dragon that was slain by a mighty prince and his heroic companions (All dwarves, naturally) to keep them in bed and make the group fall asleep.

Afterwards he tiptoed out of the sleeping area after loosening Bofur's dead grip on him to finally sit down tiredly near the fire to have a well-deserved smoke. The brats had worn him out!

Bilbo and Gandalf looked wearily at each other over the fire in the now, silent hall.

Both looked as if they had come home fresh from a war zone, littered with cuts, bruises, burns and scratches all over. After a minute of silent observing each other, the Hobbit and the Wizard broke out in wild chuckles of equal mirth.

"And you are absolutely sure that they will be normal again in the morn, Master Gandalf?" The Wizard nodded amicably. " Oh Yes! Believe me Master Baggins; I will feel just as relieved as you once they are!"

Bilbo nodded.

"Will they remember anything of this entire mess?" He asked the Wizard curiously and fearfully at the same time. Bilbo feared what would happen if not.

Gandalf shook his head. "I do not believe so, Bilbo. The magic should take their memories away once they wake up as adults again. Do not fear, my friend, they will remember nothing from what I do know about the brew." Bilbo just hoped feverishly that his friend was right and that he had not just jinxed himself, and went straight to his bed after his pipe.

He was instantly crowded on by Bofur, Kili, Fili and little Ori.

Chuckling softly the Hobbit cuddled up to the cute youngsters while he still could do so and get away with it and fell asleep.

He was woken up around the early next morning by Thorin's angry booming voice that questioned Gandalf on behalf of a certain Ale and its side effects that the Wizard had forgot to mention to them all. Soon he was joined in by the irritated demands for explanations of the rest of the mortified sounding group of Dwarves.

*So much for not remembering anything! * Bilbo thought tiredly and brought his blanked up over his head to hide under it from their wrath. He was fast asleep again in under a minute; despise the ruckus that now erupted around the fire pit. Never seeing Bofur still sitting behind him on the bed and watching Bilbo with a soft smile until he got up slightly and tucked the blanked more securely around the still exhausted Hobbit.

"Thank ye for taking care of us while we were vulnerable little terror's, Bilbo." He whispered lowly into one of Bilbo's cute, pointy, elf alike ears before he placed a quick kiss onto the tip.

With a last fleeting caress he left the sleeping areal to get his clothes on again to join the rest.

End of this Insanity…

At least for now! I am still not sure if I should write a second chapter, and I have no Beta for this , so; I just wanted to get that out of my system to write down the rest of my story so I can Update. This insanity would not want to leave me alone for two whole days! I hope someone liked this.

Suryallee