This was supposed to be entirely done and posted by the 15th, but stuff happened and, yeah...

So, happy belated Valentine's day. Hopefully I can post the second part in a day or two

I do not own Homestuck. But it's about damn time I posted a fic for my OTP.

"Does anyone know where Karkat is?"

Kanaya glanced around the room. Rose and Roxy were sitting side by side on the floor, pouring over what Kanaya assumed was one of Rose's manuscripts. Jade and Jane were sitting at the kitchen island trying to pick out a decent recipe for pumpkin pie, which seemed strange because there was not, nor had there ever been, a pumpkin in the vicinity of their home. (With the addition of the four beta humans everyone was grateful that the kitchen and living rooms were adjacent, since there wouldn't have been enough room for everyone to squeeze into just the kitchen.) Jake and John were arguing over what movie they should watch, their argument getting a bit physical and bumping into the table where Terezi seemed to be drawing a picture using a red crayon. Dirk sat on the opposite end of the room, quietly flipping through a magazine of some sort as he sunk lower into the orange sofa.

When Kanaya voiced her question, the only inhabitants who didn't look at her were John, Jake, and Dirk. Terezi, however, was the only one who answered.

"Sorry, Kanaya, I haven't seen Karkles all day."

"Terezi, we know you haven't seen Karkat today. Or ever," Dirk said, never looking up from his magazine.

Instead of getting upset, Terezi just laughed. "It's great having two coolkids around."

Dirk didn't react, but everyone paying attention could tell he approved of the statement. "I saw him head up to his room earlier," he finally replied to Kanaya, only briefly lifting his head to indicate he was addressing her before lowering it back down to his reading material. When the Englishbert argument rolled to the front of his sofa, he gave Jake a swift kick, separating the two. "We are not watching X-Men; First Class or The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Let Jane pick this time."

Kanaya didn't stick around for the whining session she knew would follow the declaration. Instead, she opted to head up the stairs to the bedroom wing of the building. Normally, she wouldn't dare try to corner Karkat in his room. She had learned the hard way that he didn't take well to that sort of confrontation. However, she felt that this time it was necessary, and that she would just have to deal with whatever viciousness he could conjure up when she brought up the subject of his Kismesis.

Karkat had been unusually irate the past few weeks, especially towards a certain Knight of Time. At first, she had chalked it up to the fact that the alpha and beta family members had been united, but Sollux and Aradia rarely visited, if at all, and Gamzee was still nowhere to be found. After a while, though, it began to remind her more and more of the interactions between him and Dave during the three year trip on the meteor. Yet for all she knew, he hadn't made a move.

And this was the reason Kanaya was seeking him out now; either he needed to make a move or stop flirting altogether. It was beginning to grate on her nerves. Terezi though it was the most amusing thing since John had purchased a blender, and other than the two trolls and Rose no one really seemed to notice what was occurring and therefore didn't care. Even if it wasn't a problem for everyone else Kanaya was getting slightly antsy at not knowing whether or not her skills as an Auspistice would be needed.

She stopped in front of Karkat's door and was about to knock when she heard voices on the other side. She hesitated, waiting to hear what they had to say.

"Are you sure about this, Strider?"

"Dude, it will be the fucking pinnacle of amazingness, trust me."

Kanaya blinked and then leaned in closer. Her hand was still poised to knock, though her curiosity had already sunk its wicked claws into her. What were they talking about and, more importantly, why were they both holed up in Karkat's room?

"This doesn't seem right."

"Relax, this isn't NASCAR. We're just going take it nice and slow. Sort of like a pleasure cruise. Actually, exactly like a pleasure cruise. Just take in all that scenery-"

She pulled away for a moment to try and process what she was hearing. What were they talking about, and why did Kanaya suddenly feel as though it was something rather dirty, despite not knowing what a 'NASCAR' was? After a moment she placed her ear on the door again, hoping for a little more context.

"There's no need to be so rough, Vantas!" Dave snapped, sounding strained.

"Quit being a fucking wriggler, Strider."

"Hey, be careful with your teeth!"

"For the love of Gog, what does it matter if I leave any marks? Nobody is going to notice! Now hold still, you damn nookwhiffer!" His tone was forceful, sounding even more strained than Dave.

Oh my. Oh my indeed.

"Kanaya?" Terezi was walking up the hall behind her. Kanaya, startled, quickly bolted over to her blind friend and slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Dave is in Karkat's room," she whispered.

Terezi smiled underneath Kanaya's hand before removing it from her mouth. "Are you eavesdropping?" she whispered back, her tone clearly teasing. "Are they doing something naughty?"

"Yes, now be absolutely silent," the rainbowdrinker muttered, before slinking back to the door with the blind troll at her side.

"Yes to which?" Terezi hissed, to which Kanaya gave a terse reply of 'both' before covering Pyrope's mouth once more and leaning closer to the door. She couldn't quite hear what they were saying at the moment. Her focus was entirely on trying to make out the conversation, so her grip slackened. Terezi took the opportunity to move close to the door as well just as the volume picked up again.

"Don't knot it so tight. Jegus, Vantas." Dave was panting now, and Kanaya no longer found it possible to keep her mind out of the rain-vegetation shield.

"I don't know how fucking tight I'm supposed to tie it! I've never done this before! It's not as though I've had ample opportunity to experiment, unlike you, I'm sure." Vantas's tone was derisive.

Strider seemed to have had enough if his tone was any indication. "You know what, forget it, let's try something else for now. We can always try this again later."

Terezi's sightless eyes widened as the grin fell off of her face. Terezi hadn't spent as much time as Kanaya had researching the topic, but from what she had heard directly from Maryam and had overheard in Kan's conversations with Rose, trolls and human shared a habit or two when it came to reproduction. "You weren't kidding," she barely whispered, which only earned her a finger on her lips.

The Harleycrock and Lalonde siblings, however, got a much more animated reaction when Jane called out to the two troll girls. "Oh, there you are, what did you two want for umph-"

Terezi and Kanaya both clapped a hand over her mouth, earning startled looks from the other three girls.

Roxy was the first to recover enough to practically shout in her currently inebriated state, "Wast going-" Terezi's free hand shut the girl's mouth, though she seemed not to notice if the continuing vibrations underneath the blind troll's hand were any indication.

The two girls whose personal space hadn't been invaded just looked at the trolls, both of them raising a questioning eyebrow. "Dave and Karkat are in Karkat's room," Kanaya explained in a whisper, letting go of Jane. Terezi followed suit, though she kept her fingers over Roxy's lips, and actually moved behind her to get a better hold when the elder Lalonde started to tip backwards.

Jade frowned. "Were you two eavesdropping? That isn't very nice," she admonished, though she kept her voice low.

"I'm sure they are well aware of that, Jade, but you have to admit, it is rather tempting to know what sort of mischief they're getting up to." Rose quirked her eyebrows in a highly suggestive manner.

Terezi smiled behind the tipsy Lalonde's head, and let out a soft cackle. "You have no idea!"

Jade bit her lip, exchanged a glance with Rose, and then followed her friend when she dashed for the door. The both took a spot on the floor, leaning up against the door. Kanaya took up her original position, now hovering above Jade. Terezi tried to get back into her spot, but that proved to be impossible between respecting Rose's personal space and trying to hold up her clearly-not-sober sister, so she settled for moving to stand behind the younger girl and lean backwards slightly. Roxy just slumped against the chest of her captor-troll and continued to babble despite the hand over her mouth. Jane hung back for a moment, biting her lower lip and glancing around guiltily. It only took a wave from Rose to convince the older girl to quit fighting her morals and join in the fun. She managed to squeeze in behind Kanaya just as the conversation started up again.

"Oh for fuck's sake, take off that damn outfit."

"And here I thought you had a little red-fetish.

"What the fuck is a fetish?"

The three sober human girls giggled a bit, but quickly shushed themselves. Kanaya glared at the two beneath her, then looked up when she noticed motion at the edge of her vision. It seemed that Roxy had started leaning back even further, throwing the Terezi off balance and tipping her toward Kanaya. Kanaya quickly leaned forward and grabbed Terezi's shoulders, using her own weight to balance the other two girls. Roxy giggled a little, but a quick shooshing from Pyrope silenced her. The position was awkward, but neither troll wanted to move just yet on the off chance they would miss something important, like what exactly a fetish was.

"-turned on."

"Oh."

The trolls understood what that meant, and both had the decency to turn blue and green.

"Well, fine, but you still need to remove the hoodie. Piece of shit is getting in the way," Karkat's voice was gravelly and low, and now all six girls were blushing.

They all pressed closer, anticipating what would come next, when a noise coming from behind Jane nearly made Kanaya drop Terezi and Roxy on Jade and Rose. "What's all the hulabaloo?"

Kanya gave Terezi a shove, managing to give the troll enough leverage to stand up straight again. Jane had turned around and placed her hand over her long-time crush's mouth. As Kanaya moved to silence Egbert before he could make a peep, she noted that Crocker was bright red, though whether that was from the contact with Jake or the overheard conversation, she couldn't be sure.

Once the girls were certain that the boys would keep quiet, they let go.

"Are we spying on Karkat?" John asked, looking as clueless and aderpable as ever.

Jade looked over her shoulder and nodded, while Rose added, "And Dave as well."

"Ah, a little old fashion spying, eh? Sounds like a jolly good time!" English exclaimed slightly louder than necessary, which earned him a shoosh from a now very intense-looking Terezi. She had taken up her previous position leaning backwards with Roxy clutched to her chest, one arm still over the girl's mouth. Jake got the message and, ignoring the awkwardness of the move, leaned over Jane when she took up her spot behind Kanaya. The baker stifled a whimper and moved slightly closer to Kanaya, who didn't care about having her personal space invaded so long as the human didn't start breathing too heavily for her to hear. Egbert managed to squish between his ecto-sister and his best friend who was a girl.

"What's the problem now, Vantas?"

"My belt's stuck!" Exasperation colored his tone. If asked to pick a color, Terezi would have said it smelled burgundy.

"Fuck!" Dave sounded beyond frustrated.

The Englishbert boys' eyes widened, but other than that nothing much happened in the hallway. On the other side of the door, however, it seemed as though a lot of things were happening. There was a sound of struggling, then something heavy and fleshy hitting the floor with a muffled thump, followed by some general cursing.

"Oh Jegus what is going on in there?" English had already picked up on the slang despite only being a part of the group for a few weeks.

"I don't want to know!" John squeaked. He would have been totally cool with Dave or Karkat telling him that they were Kismesis now, but he was not okay listening to the two of them do weird things! He was still too innocent!

Another squeak escaped when he heard "F-fuck, Strider!" and he would have bolted for the stairs if Jade and Rose hadn't betrayed him by grabbing his shirt and placing their hands over his mouth. They would have let him go had they felt he could make it down the stairs without falling and causing a commotion. As it stood, he seemed too flustered to calmly walk away without falling or shouting, so the two girls kept him still between them.

"Calm down!" Rose hissed while his ecto-sister tried to pap and shoosh him unsuccessfully.

After another few moments of trying to calm Egbert down, the girls gave up and went back to listening to the vastly more interesting conversation on the other side of Karkat's door.

"How about you take this?"

There was a sound of tearing, followed by a short pause before Dave spoke again.

"I can't believe how much you like that kind," he scoffed.

There was a snort on Karkat's part preceding his response. "I like this flavor. And the way it feels in my mouth."

Egbert made another grab at freedom, but was halted by two surprisingly strong teenage girls grabbing him. When they released his mouth in order to do so, they had a blessed moment of silence from him before he realized he was now capable of verbally protesting. Kanaya took advantage of the moment to grab Jade's long, black hood, lean down, and tie it around John's head, effectively gagging him. And she managed to do this without making any noises. If Jade was upset about having her hoodie commandeered for the task, she would wait until they were in a less precarious situation to voice her protests.

They weren't out of the woods yet, as Terezi hissed when Roxy started to struggle, but the troll refused to slacken her grip. She hissed again when she almost lost her balance a second time, but managed to maintain it by taking a half step backwards. This, unfortunately, meant stepping on Rose's cape. This really wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't removed all the slack from the fabric and yanked Rose backward, bumping her head into Terezi's legs. This only resulted in the troll starting to fall backwards again.

This time it was Jane who caught the blind girl, since Kan was preoccupied with Egbert. Another stroke of bad luck, however, meant that Jane started to fall as well. Another ridiculously miraculous and quiet stroke of good luck meant that Jake was still aware enough of what was going on to grab Crocker and prevent her from falling on Kanaya and the three alpha teens.

"Okay, enough pussyfooting around, just shove it in!"

Any and all movement ceased, including breathing, while they waited to see how Karkat would respond.

"What do you think I've been trying to do!" the Cancer snarled.

"Oh, Fuck!"

There was a sound of grunting on the opposite side of the door, and a soft group gasp on the other.

"I can't-"

"I know it's tight. Suck it up, Vantas."

More grunting could be heard, and everyone's faces turned their respective blood colors. It wasn't something anyone would admit out loud even under threat of death, but they would have expected Karkat to be on bottom, not the other way around.

"Just a little more!"

"So close!"

"Ugh, damn it, Dave!"

Everyone's jaws dropped open. Even more unbelievable than the thought that those two were on the other side of this door screwing each other, but that Karkat was so caught up in it that he had used Dave's first name?

It seemed Karkat wasn't the only one too caught up in the moment to notice what was happening. Dirk had managed to sneak up on the entire group while they all waited outside of the mutant's door, expressions rapt as well as highly embarrassed. Not that they would have noticed him if they hadn't been so engrossed in the perversions taking place just out of sight. He was as stealthy as a ninja, after all. It didn't take too long for him to get the gist of what was going on, even though he wasn't eavesdropping like the rest of them. It took him even less time to decide what he was going to do about it.

Too easy, he thought as he casually sidled up to the group, taking in their flustered appearances and awkward positioning before making his move.

"BOO!"

"AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHH HHHH!"

Everyone shouted, yelped, or made some sort of undignified scared noise as they all toppled onto each other and, surprisingly enough, through the unlocked respiteblock door.

There was a moment of scrambling and confusion before the group fell still and silent, looking at the teen boys. Who were sitting on opposite ends of what appeared to be a net mounted on a simple metal structure. Fully clothed. There was some sort of candy wrapper sitting on the floor near Karkat, and a brightly colored piece of fabric balled up in the corner. Neither was flushed nor out of breath. Just surprised and confused.

"What are you doing?" Dave asked, quirking his eyebrow as he took in the friendpile and his brother chilling on the doorframe.

There was nervous laughter. Kanaya was finally the one to speak up. "I… um, I was on my way to speak to Karkat, and well, I overheard some of your conversation. And then Terezi showed up, followed by Jade and Rose and… well."

"You were listening!" Karkat went from confused to livid in .6 seconds. "Are you telling me that I can't even fucking redecorate my respiteblock without having every nookwhiffer and their fucking lusus poking their nose into my shit!"

Terezi blinked, her sightless eyes not moving underneath her slightly skewed glasses. "You were… redecorating?"

Jake let out a nervous chuckle. "Well, it seems we've all been a bit hasty, jumping to conclusions and whatnot." He tried to extract himself from the pile, as did everyone else.

"What did you think we were doing?" Dave asked, cool as a cucumber. In all actuality he was trying not to laugh as everyone blushed brightly.

"What? Oh, OH, you sick fucks!" Karkat shouted as he put two and two together as Dave had done while Kanaya had been rambling. "You thought we were procreating so you waited outside of my door and listened! How fucking cracked does your thinkpan have to be for you to come up with such a twisted fuck of entertainment?"

Everyone was now standing and looking at their feet. Except for John. He still seemed sort of dazed.

There were muttered apologies and the shuffling of feet before Karkat continued. "You all owe me fucking big time," he paused when his stomach gurgled. "But that can wait until we get some dinner. Let's eat." He stood. Dave waited for everyone to start filing out before he stood as well.

"I can't believe they were thinking that," the Cancer muttered.

Dave smirked.