A/N: Hope the ending lives up to expectations (even though I know some people may have wanted more blood on Clint's part). I do plan on posting other stories in this verse so keep a look out.
Tonight with words unspoken,
You say that I'm the only one.
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?
I'd like to know that your love,
Is one that I can be sure of.
So tell me now and I won't ask again-
Will you still love me tomorrow?
-Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? The Shirelles
Saturday morning sunrays streamed through the cracks in the blinds to tease Darcy back to consciousness, as stubborn as she was. The sound of a running shower joined and she realised that she was alone in her bed. While waking up with Clint sprawled on top of her an hour earlier to pee wasn't the most comfortable either, any small movement he made to try and hold onto her tighter when she moved had been soothing. When Clint was sleeping, it was reassuring to see that the night before hadn't been a dream and the hope had bloomed in her chest. But now they were both awake and Darcy didn't know where that left them. Also, she needed to be at her desk in a few hours because SHIELD didn't fully understand the meaning of weekend. That meant going back to putting on the masks of Coulson's assistant and Avenging Hawkeye. Reality was a bitch.
The squeak of taps turning off dragged Darcy from her fantasies of falling back asleep and seeing if junior agents would burst down her door again like the first time she had slept through all her snooze alarms. Deciding to be a good little adult, Darcy dragged her ass out of bed and towards the bathroom. She was greeted by a damp Clint, clad in nothing but a towel.
"Uh, sorry, I grabbed an extra towel...I should of asked," Clint admitted, unsure if a reprimand concerning his actions with towels or alcohol was to follow. It was strange to see him so hesitant. It wasn't a good look on him, in Darcy's opinion and was enough to distract her from the beads of water still clinging to the place where neck met shoulder.
"No, it's fine. I was just about to take one too. A shower I mean. How...how are you feeling?" asked Darcy, fighting the urge to vomit even though she didn't drink all that much last night.
"Threw up earlier, still have a slight headache but not as bad if you hadn't made me drink water. Thanks by the way. For last night. Letting me stay," the answer was slow and Darcy found herself listening more to what Clint wasn't saying in his pauses. She couldn't make it out but she could tell that out of the whole night, the one thing he sure did remember was their conversation.
"Of course," Darcy said, feeling like her whole body was awkward and ungraceful. There was an uncomfortable tightness between her shoulder blades that she wanted to go away but persisted, like a demon clinging to her back.
"I should...let you get to- yeah." Rather defeated at his own ineptitude and lack of vocabulary, Clint stepped aside to let Darcy into the bathroom. She took the easy way out and decided that her morning grooming rituals would maybe give him enough time to leave so they wouldn't actually have to have this conversation. Darcy wasn't entirely sure what the conversation would consist of. Things felt so broken and fractured between them, Darcy wasn't sure where to begin. She knew she still cared about Clint deeply- loved him even. It just didn't seem like the best place to start. Though if Clint's behavior was any indication, Darcy doubted that she'd have to have the conversation because he probably planned on splitting while she was in the bathroom. They could pretend that nothing ever happened and hide behind work.
Which was why Darcy was shocked after dressing to find Clint sitting on her couch. It was even more shocking to realise he had a frown as he read one of her lists from last night.
"You're still here. I thought you were just gonna to leave," admitted Darcy, wondering how smooth she could try to be while simultaneously plucking the list out of his grip. Not very much she decided when he saw what she was trying to do and pulled it just out of her reach.
"You, ah, made me promise to buy you breakfast? Right?" Clint's frown deepened and he became serious, waving the list around and she saw it was her 'why I should have joined the Peace Corps instead' list. "Are you going to leave SHIELD?"
"What? No, just, give me that," Darcy walked over and crumpled up the list, taking a quick look around to see if any of her other lists were out in the open then rambling. "I was drinking, it's nothing. I love my job. It's not your problem." God, she hoped he didn't find the 'why Clint is hawt' list.
"It is," pushed Clint. "If I made you feel that way, made you feel like you weren't good enough for your job then-"
"Clint. Stop. Yeah I wanted to join the Peace Corps after college but it's not like they'll accept me now with SHIELD on my file. And I don't want to join them either anymore. Just…buy me breakfast. We have other things we need to talk about."
"Okay," Clint said after a while, deciding it was best to let that one issue slide for the time being.
"I'll get you a bag for your things. Pretty sure the diner down the street has a no medieval weapons on the table policy."
"Oh, uh, thanks," thanked Clint awkwardly. It was almost funny that he had to put his precious bow in a paper Trader Joe's back but she wasn't really in the mood to laugh just yet.
"Why did you bring your bow and arrow anyway?" Darcy asked offhandedly, seeing Clint flinch slightly at the reminder of his night.
"I, uh, may have tracked down and taken a shot at Logan." Clint answered after a long pause. "At least I hope it was him and not a civilian with mutton chops."
"Well, I'm sure we'll hear from Fury about it either way," Darcy said crisply, enjoying the cringe on Clint's face. And with that, they made their way to a diner that, while not Darcy's favorite, served a decent breakfast. The trip over and picking a booth was completely silent and the waitress served as a good distraction until she brought their drinks and took the final orders before leaving. While Darcy wondered over Clint's choice of a plate of meatballs with a side of honey and gravy, she stole glances from over her coffee mug and saw that a few times, he seemed to be gearing up to say something but stopped before any words left his mouth. Knowing they weren't getting anywhere, Darcy decided to just go ahead and dive into their sea of issues.
"Look, I know we're just fuck buddies but I think I need more than that," she started and Clint looked frustrated. It took him a while to get any words out in a coherent sentence.
"I'm not great with talking about how I feel. I'm a man of action when it comes to that sort of thing,"
"Oh, okay," Darcy began sarcastically, "so when you tell me that I mean nothing to you and you could do better I should ignore that and pay attention to the fact that you show up drunk on my doorstep expecting to have sex?"
"Darce," Clint began with a sigh but Darcy wasn't having it.
"Don't 'Darce' me right now Clint. I'm not in the mood," started Darcy but before she could work herself into an anger-fueled rant, the waitress interrupted with their food. Calming down, Darcy poured syrup over her chocolate chip and pecan waffles. She had already taken a few bites when she looked over and saw Clint debating a half eaten, gravy covered meatball on his fork.
Suddenly, Darcy's breath left her lungs and she felt herself swept into the undertow of a wave she never anticipated. This whole relationship started because of some dumb, drunken spontaneity and Darcy wasn't sure if she was willing to go back and stop it from happening again. All the love she had for Clint- despite everything that he said and did to her, despite her better judgment- swelled in her chest. It mixed with lingering bitterness and anger at the fact she let herself fall in love with such an emotionally incompetent and manipulative jerk. She was even angrier that because of this love, she was almost willing to forgive him completely. All because she saw him looking at a goddamned meatball in a dingy little diner. But, she held tightly onto what little ground she still had, especially when he started to talk again.
"You deserve better than me, Darcy." Clint admitted in a rush, looking down and pushing a meatball across his plate. The statement made Darcy even angrier and she was surprised that she was able to just sit and stew for a moment instead of instantly lashing out. Taking Clint's free hand in her own, Darcy waited till he looked her in the eyes before continuing.
"Don't pull that martyr bullshit on me," commanded Darcy and Clint's eyes grew wide with surprise.
"It's not some act," Clint insisted when he got his bearing back and pulled his hand out of hers. He took another moment to think about what he wanted to say and the best way to say it. "I'm trouble Darcy. I just…I guess I wanted you to have an excuse to leave and not have to regret it or feel bad about it. "
"Since when was that your decision to make? Where's my say in this?"
"I'm not a good man. I've done bad things. I've got a ton of issues that you shouldn't be stuck dealing with. You're young. You need to be out having fun with…with people your age," reasoned Clint. "Not stuck with an old man like me. Not making the biggest mistake in your life by staying with me."
"I'm twenty-three, Clint. I'm old enough to make those decisions, whether or not they're mistakes or even if I decide to call them mistakes. You can't just decide one day that you think you're not good enough or too old or too broken for me."
"And what about the day you do decide to leave me? I wanted to break it off before I got in too deep but..." Clint trailed off and laughed bitterly. "Well you saw me last night. I guess I'm already in over my head. So what do I do when you leave?"
"Why would I just leave you? Why do you assume that I'm just going to leave you?" asked Darcy, completely shocked at all of his assumptions.
"Because every woman has so far. And if they're still around it's because they're forced to be in close proximity to me for work."
"If you keep pushing people away because they're close to you, of course they leave! I-" Darcy broke off, frustrated that everything she was saying, that her meaning and promises hid in them completely went over Clint's head. She took a different tactic.
"I'm not gonna try and fix you, okay? But the other night, when I saw you walk out with her…" Darcy trailed off, trying to ignore the nauseated feeling in her stomach at the memory and resist the urge to wipe at her watering eyes. "It bro- it really hurt," she finally finished. Trying to avoid the first thing that came into her mind. That it completely broke her heart. Still, the insinuation hung silently in the air. "But I'm still here Clint."
Clint's frown deepened and he shifted uncomfortably, staring down at his hands in guilt.
"I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. And I swear, I didn't sleep with her. I was telling the truth-"
"You say you're a man of action but that means you got to show something," Darcy's throat tightened and she thought carefully about her next words. What started to spill out wasn't really the tactic she wanted to take but she couldn't stop it. "I- look, you don't have to say it but…I love you. Okay? And I can't, I can't take it anymore if you just decide to stomp all over my heart because you think it's what's best for me."
"Please," begged Clint softly, hands clenched and unwilling to hear her declare the depth of her affection.
"No, let me finish. I need more right now. I'm not going to settle for being an easy lay for you. And. Well, you don't have to say it back or feel it. But I want you to know. So if you can't or don't want to ever try to commit and work at something, tell me. Because I stuck around this time for your douchery but I'm not going to do it again. Tell me now. Tell me what you really want so I know to start getting over you."
"I… I don't want you to get over me," Clint admitted, rubbing his hands up and down his face. "But I don't even know where to start now."
"How about starting over?" offered Darcy with a shrug. "Take me out on a date, let's see how things go from there. See if we're really compatible. In a…non-sex way."
"Okay," Clint agreed slowly, looking to her side, deep in thought. "I can do that. We could try that. Please, know that I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted what's best for you."
"Well, you need to start letting me decide what I want. You don't get to decide what's best for me. I do." Darcy said, reaching out and moving Clint's face so that she could stare deeply into his eyes, praying he understood. "And you can't throw Steve into my face every time you feel insecure and want to blame me for something."
"Yeah…sorry. I, um, I guess that was a low blow."
"Guess? It was. Since when were you all insecure about him anyway?"
"Darcy, can we not talk about this?" whined Clint.
"We're talking about everything else. Why not this?"
"I…I'm not some super soldier like him. He's…he's Captain fucking America," Clint said but Darcy got lost in his strange explanation.
"What?"
"You grew up with his posters on your walls. You…pretended to be married to him-"
"I did that when I was seven! God, I wished I never blabbed that," growled Darcy, feeling her cheeks blush slightly at the memory of the rather disastrous first meeting in front of the whole team.
"And you're blushing now! See?"
"What is that supposed to make me see? That I'm embarrassed I made a fool of myself the first time I met the whole team?" Darcy decided it was best to get all of this out right now because Clint randomly throwing her friendship with Steve in her face as an argument was ridiculous. Darcy tried to focus again.
"Steve is just a friend. Yeah, I had the hots for him when I first met him but I also had the hots for Thor but you never argue about that. And yeah I looked up to him. I still do. But he was the story I heard to help me go to bed because I was afraid of the monsters in my closet. Okay, maybe I have a bit of hero worship. I admit that but I got to know him and he's one of my best friends. That's it. He's a great guy but that's all I see him as. He's not my first choice but hey, up until recently, you weren't either. That's okay because I know I'm not your first choice…wait, while we're on the subject, what about you and Natasha? Who am I supposed to replace?"
"What? You can't compare- Natasha and I…we're not like that anymore," Clint started to stumble. "And…I'm…you're not replacing her. I'd never-"
"See? Not so fun is it?" Darcy crossed her arms and hoped she'd made her point. "So lets promise to never throw that into an argument. New beginnings right? We all have baggage but whatever."
They fell into a tense silence and went back to their food after Clint nodded in solemn agreement.
"You want a meatball?" asked Clint after a while, hoping to lessen the awkward. Darcy laughed softly, a little thankful at the change in subject.
"No thanks, I like my breakfast foods to be sweet. Not nasty."
"It's my hangover food. Tried and true. Besides, meatballs are good, I don't see what you have against them."
"I have no issues with them. But you eat them, like, all the time. I've never seen anyone have to many frozen meatballs in their freezer. Not even Thor."
"Growing boys need protein."
"Growing boys, that explains your maturity level- hey!" Darcy squeaked when Clint reached over and tried to steal one of her waffles. He tried to go in for another attempt but she pulled back.
"If we're going on official dates, does this mean you're going to make me a mixtape?" asked Clint. "Because I want better songs than the ones you gave Steve."
"That's tough. Ke$ha doesn't have any songs with 'Clint' in them. But we'll have to wait and see how the first date goes. I'm not even sure you're mixtape material yet," smirked Darcy, ignoring his little nudge of Steve, even if they promised against mentioning it. Baby steps she decided.
"Then don't think I'm putting out on the first date."
"Good. I don't think I'd be able to respect you afterwards," joked Darcy, making Clint laugh sincerely for the first time in what felt like months. As he laughed, Darcy could feel the words already trying to escape her throat and Clint seemed to catch her eye as she tried to hold it back. His laughter suddenly stopped and he became sad.
"I…want to say it. I just can't. Not right now. But," Clint sighed, staring into Darcy's eyes desperately before looking away to stare pensively at the linoleum floor. "But maybe soon."
"To new beginnings?" Darcy offered quietly, lifting her mug of coffee up for a mock cheer when she realized Clint was lost in his thoughts. Instead of knocking his glass against hers, he reached across the table and took her hands in hers. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and smiled a little to herself. They weren't 'fixed', not by a long shot. There were still things bubbling uncomfortably at the surface that needed to be talked through and risked making things worse before it really got better. Clint still needed to find ways to fully redeem himself in her eyes and trust still had to be established.
But for the moment, she was content with his maybe.
And I've been a fool and I've been blind,
I can never leave the past behind.
I can see no way, I can see no way-
I'm always dragging that horse around.
Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound.
Tonight, I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground.
I like to keep my issues drawn.
It's always darkest before the dawn.
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.
So here's to drinks in the dark, at the end of my rope.
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope-
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat.
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me-
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me.
But, what the hell? I'm gonna let it happen to me.
-Shake It Out, Florence + The Machine