Hate That I Love You

A/N: I was trying to sleep the other night but got inspiration to write this. This turned out to be longer than I planned and somewhere in the middle I got stuck for hours because I found it difficult to find the right words, there was always something wrong with them… but I just couldn't stop without finishing, so here we are, after hours of fighting! I don't like the title of this but… I suck with titles. And why can't I ever be completely satisfied with anything I write? D:

Ed did not miss Roy. At all. Why would he miss that bastard? Especially after he had dumped Ed and all, making it obvious his career was far more important than Ed had ever been. Besides, there was nothing to miss. Ed had hated so many things about Roy.

The fact that even when they were in a relationship, Roy had still made fun of Ed's insecurities, such as his height, all the time… Ed hated his stupid smirk. Ed hated the way he spent hours in front of mirror. Ed hated how Roy flirted with every damn woman wearing a skirt. Ed hated how they all felt oh so special to get Roy's attention. Ed hated Roy's laziness. He would just lay on the bed forever when he had a day off. And it took him days to do laundry or wash the dishes just because he was so fucking lazy.

Ed hated how Roy always kept on touching his hair, brushing and braiding it as if Ed couldn't do it by himself… and if he even mentioned about cutting it, Roy threw a fit every goddamn time. Ed hated how there was always milk in Roy's fridge. Ed hated Roy when he drank too much. Ed hated the stupid jokes he told and he hated how he was trying to get Ed to have sex with him whenever the bastard was drunk. Ed hated it when Roy treated him like a kid, when he looked down on Ed.

Ed hated his collar shirts. Ed hated the fancy restaurants Roy loved. Ed hated the suit Roy had bought him. Ed hated the painting in Roy's bedroom. Ed hated that Roy pretended to love it to appear as a cultural person. Ed hated Roy's gloves which he treated better than anything. He hated the fact that Roy was always so fucking calm and composed. Ed hated Roy's whining on rainy days. Ed hated Roy's record collection, he hated how the bastard just wanted to sit on his ass, drink whiskey and listen to his boring music. Ed hated it when Roy was hiding things… when he still refused to trust Ed completely, how he kept Ed in the dark. Ed hated Roy.

He hated how around him, Ed felt at ease. That he had nothing to hide, he didn't need to pretend. He hated how when he was with Roy, he felt like he finally belonged. He hated how Roy had made Ed feel good about his body, how Roy never flinched at his automails. Ed hated the way Roy talked with him. He hated their playful teasing, their innuendos, and their long conversations about alchemy. Ed hated how Roy always disturbed Ed when was trying to read by kissing him out of nowhere. Ed hated that Roy could always cheer Ed up when he was upset. Ed hated the sappy things Roy did, when he took him out to the fancy restaurants or bought Ed flowers.

Ed hated the way Roy read Ed's favourite books just to talk about them when he didn't even like all of them. Ed hated how Roy had to share every single shower with Ed. Ed hated how Roy knew just how to please Ed in bed. He hated the way Roy sometimes carried him to the bedroom even when he was obviously too heavy for Roy. Ed hated the way Roy always wanted to see Ed's face when they had sex. Ed hated the way Roy kissed him and said 'I love you'.

Ed hated the fact that Roy knew everything about him and yet accepted him as he was. Ed hated the fact that he actually loved those things. He hated the fact that… he could never hate Roy. Ed hated that he still loved the bastard, that he even loved him despite all those annoying parts of him.

It's better this way, Roy told himself. Being with Ed was too risky and besides… Roy had always hated the way Ed got up too early and started nagging if Roy didn't do the same. Roy hated the way Ed never put off Roy's records even when he obviously hated every single one of them. Roy hated Ed's impulsiveness and the fact that he couldn't control himself. Roy hated the fact that Ed refused to wear anything but his red jacket, tank top and the leather pants. Roy especially hated the damn leather pants.

Roy hated how Ed always remembered to point out Roy's sore point – his age… as if Roy wasn't already self-conscious about it, being so much older than Ed. Roy hated how Ed was never romantic. Roy hated how he was always carrying books with him and the fact that he got so lost in them and almost bit Roy's head off if he disturbed him a bit. Roy hated how Ed wanted to talk about alchemy all the time.

Roy hated Ed being always so self-conscious about his perfect body. Roy hated Ed's burning jealousy. Roy hated the fact that Ed hated Roy's favourite restaurants. Roy hated how Ed was always grimacing at milk. Roy hated it when Ed took a joke too seriously. Roy hated the way Ed had to break something whenever he was angry. Roy hated his combat boots. Roy hated the fact that Ed never noticed when someone has checking him out. Roy hated it when Ed was working out and then called Roy lazy. Roy hated it when Ed whined for days before he dared to kill Winry about his automails.

Roy hated how Ed was always so reckless on assignments. Roy hated how Ed didn't care about anything else when he heard the words 'Philosopher's Stone'. Roy hated it when Ed laughed at old pictures of Roy. Roy hated the gloves Ed used just to hide his automail. Roy hated the way Ed called him a bastard. Roy hated it when Ed was acting like a kid. Roy hated it when Ed didn't brush his teeth.

Roy hated how Ed hated silence and had to fill it all the time. Roy hated Ed's brother complex. Roy hated the fact that Ed had little by little brought his stuff to Roy's apartment, spreading them all over the place. Roy hated it when Ed called him useless whenever it rained. Roy hated how Ed always ate like he had never seen food before. Roy hated that Ed could never admit when he was wrong.

Roy hated the fact that Ed treated Roy like an idiot when he didn't understand something complex which was obvious for Ed. Roy hated the fact that Ed was always cursing too much and said 'fuck you' when Roy mentioned it. Roy hated the way Ed hogged all the blankets and kicked and tossed and turned when he was sleeping. Roy hated it when Ed was injured and tried to act like it was something minor even when they both knew Roy saw right through him. Roy hated it how hard it was for Ed to talk about his feelings or to show them.

Roy hated how happy he was around Ed. He hated how Ed never walked away, even when tried his best to push him away. Roy hated how Ed was stubborn enough to get under Roy's skin. Roy hated how Ed was the only one who managed to do that. Roy hated that sometimes he felt as if Ed saw right through him, Roy was so fucking scared of the moments when that happened… Roy hated that Ed was so different than all those women. Roy hated that Ed actually cared. Roy hated it when Ed sometimes got so protective of Roy, as if he'd need that. Roy hated the way Ed got so embarrassed just from a kiss, not to mention sex…

Roy hated the way Ed stroke his hair. Roy hated the way Ed hugged him when he was asleep. Roy hated how it felt that Ed fit perfectly in his arm, as if he had been made to be there. Roy hated… he hated how even though he knew Ed would be better off without him, he couldn't be without Ed. He couldn't stand being without Ed. He hated how lonely and incomplete he felt without Ed.

Roy hated… himself. What the hell had he been thinking? Leaving Ed, when he was the best thing that had ever happened to Roy. Ed was the most important. What did it matter if he could never become Fuhrer? What did it matter if that dream of his would never come true? Truth was, even if he would be a Fuhrer one day, he doubted that would make him happy. He doubted if anything could make him happy when he didn't have the person he loved by his side. He had simply been making excuses. He had never thought he would grow to love Ed so much so quickly… he had been a coward and tried to end it only because he had been afraid.

So, that was why in a while Roy was in the military dorms, on one familiar door, looking at Ed who had opened the door. When Ed saw Roy's face, his questioning expression turned into an annoyed one.
"What the fuck do you want? I thought you said you never wanted to see me again outside your office."
Roy watched at Ed, noticing that his eyes were red and puffy. "Have you been crying?" Roy asked, genuinely surprised. "No! And even if I have, I don't see how the fuck it's your business? Is that really all you have to say? You know what? Fuck you! I fucking hate you!"

Roy smiled and pulled Ed in for a kiss. The only reason Ed didn't resist was because he was too surprised to do that. Roy pulled apart to see Ed staring at him. "I'm sorry. I should've never said those things… I should've just realized that I can't be without you. I'm a mess without you. I love you."
Ed was quiet for a while, obviously wondering about what Roy was saying.

"The hell, Mustang… in the morning you said 'the only relationship we should share is a professional one'. And now you say you love me? What the hell?"
"I know, I was just – scared. I'm sorry."
"Of what exactly? Oh, never mind you. You were scared of ruining your precious career," Ed muttered and sounded rather bitter.
"So I thought. But the truth is, I was scared because I realized how much you mean to me, which is everything. I was – am scared because even the thought of losing you… I can't stand it. I was an idiot for not realizing that being without you is what I should be scared of. I don't want that."
Ed glanced at Roy with a skeptical look in his eyes. "So… you want to forget about the whole thing?"
"Yes. And I promise, it'll never happen again."

Ed sighed. "You are an idiot."
"Yes."
"You're a bastard."
"I know."
"Most of the time I just wanna punch you in the balls. With my automail."
"I'm not surprised."
"But… I still… I mean – I…"
Roy smirked when he heard Ed's stuttering and saw that his whole face was bright red.
"You what?"
"Oh, fuck you," Ed groaned, grabbed Roy's collar and pulled him in for a kiss.

Ed was kissing him passionately (everything about Ed was about pure passion, a fact that Roy loved) and Roy was kissing him back, thinking he was crazy for even thinking he could be without that – without Ed, never feeling his lips again, never burying his hands in Ed's hair again, never feeling his scent again… the kiss was getting so deep Roy couldn't think anymore, he just focused on feeling every single second of it, knowing that he was drowning but Roy didn't care, he could drown happily because Ed was drowning with him.

Roy had no idea how long they had been kissing until they heard a cough and pulled apart. Roy glanced at Al who was sitting on a bed and even though he was stuck inside that armor, Roy could see he was very embarrassed. Roy glanced at Ed, who looked really embarrassed too, with his bright red face and his… swollen lips, almost begging for another kiss…
"My place?"
Ed glanced at him and nodded. Roy was pretty sure he heard Al muttering "Thank god…"