Author's Notes: As a HUGE fan of the Smashing Pumpkins (1989-2000), I can't believe I've never done a songfic with one of their songs. I'm so ashamed! ^.^;; Anyway, "Stand Inside Your Love" is from the Machina/Machines of God album, and happens to be the best love song ever written. (Personal bias; I absolutely adore Billy, James, D'arcy, and Jimmy. I named one of my RPG characters after D'arcy, for Christ's sake.) Ahem. So—yaoi fic from me once again. (And Billy broke up with his girlfriend! Go after James, Billy!) Oh, and this is a Kenshin POV.
Disclaimer: I don't own the song, which is © The Smashing Pumpkins, written by Billy Corgan and placed on the Machina/Machines of God album. I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or its characters, either—they're © people luckier than me. Dammit!
Stand Inside Your Love
by Asphyxia
[you and me
meant to be
immutable
impossible
it's destiny
pure lunacy
incalculable
insufferable]
He's just a boy.
It seems like I've been repeating this fact to myself for years, though I know it's only been four months since I met him. It's funny when you think about it, you know—that I'm having this conversation with myself and we've only known each other four months. And to some people, maybe, this problem is easily solved. But when there are two people who love you totally and completely, and you love them both, the problem becomes significantly more complicated. So here I am, caught between those two people, who give new meaning to the phrase "stuck between a rock and a hard place".
[and for the last time
you're everything that I want and ask for
you're all that I dream]
On the one hand, I have Kaoru-dono. She has such a good heart, and she is strong both in body and in mind. She loves me more than life itself, and I can tell this fact just by looking at her. She is temperamental and a bit wild, but she's a truly good person. Not many people would willingly share their house with the Hitokiri Battousai, and she did.
But then, there's Sanosuke. He's younger than me by nearly ten years. He's brash and loud and he gambles and drinks. But again, just like Kaoru-dono, he has a powerful and loving soul, one that reaches out to me in sheer desperation. For him, I have replaced his beloved Sagara-taichou as the one he adores, needs, and loves. And I sometimes fear that I won't be enough for him.
[who wouldn't be the one you love
who wouldn't stand inside your love
protected and the lover of]
I am faced with a choice. A choice that could, quite possibly, tear apart this illusion of family that I have created here, within the Kamiya dojo. And the truth is that I'm scared. I don't want to destroy this. I don't want it to end. But I'm not a cruel man anymore; no longer am I a killer who took lives for a government that was doomed to end anyway. It pains me to see them, to know that they are both waiting desperately for the moment that I make that goddamned choice.
[a pure soul
and beautiful
you
don't understand
don't feel me now
I will breath
for the both of us
travel the world
traverse the skies
your home is here
within my heart]
It's raining now, a steady sheet of water that pours down from tired gray skies. How apropos. I shift on my knees wearily, the cushion that I am kneeling on becoming flattened by my constant weight. I feel like I've been sitting here for a century, but in fact it's only been two hours since I retreated into my room. It's quiet, at least, since Kaoru and Yahiko are training inside the dojo, Megumi is cooking lunch, and Sanosuke…well, Sanosuke is kami-knows-where.
He's just a boy.
That condescending, irritating thought floats once more into my mind's eye, and I frown angrily as it does. My furious contemplation is abruptly cut short by the sound of a screen being opened carefully, so as not to startle whoever's in the room.
"Kenshin?" That voice, usually masculine and confident, is quiet and subdued. My eyes close to prevent the sudden tears that have materialized from being seen by him. His footsteps are light as he approaches me.
[and for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn in my mind
recast as child and mystic sage]
"Yes?" I choke out, using all of my self-control not to turn around. It doesn't matter, though, because he comes around and sits in front of me. Our eyes lock and I can see love and passion burning in the chocolate brown orbs, begging for an answer. My eyelids slide closed and I slump tiredly, tears making glittering tracks down my pale cheeks. One tear falls into my scar and I feel a tiny, minute sting, as if salt had been poured into an open wound. I tilt my head back and gasp, startled, as long, callused fingers wipe away the tears. I look at him, seeing the pained, handsome face, and once more that thought drifts into my mind.
He's just a boy…
[who wouldn't be the one you love
who wouldn't stand inside your love]
"No, I'm not," he whispers, almost as if he could read my mind. He cups my cheek in one hand and forces me to look at him, forcing me to see what he feels. His voice is hoarse as he speaks. "I'm not a boy, Kenshin," he says, pain evident in both his tone and in what he says. "I know what I want."
I clear my throat lightly, struggling against falling into his arms and sobbing out what I myself feel. My mind whispers a gentle apology to Kaoru as my lips form words, words that I know he needs to hear. "And what is it you want, Sanosuke?"
Our gazes lock again, and I know what he's going to say before he says it, and he knows I do. But he says it anyway, because it needs to be said.
"You."
[and for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
your every move and waking sound
in my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
you're mine forever
now]
A tear makes its way down his cheek, and I understand how hard it is for him to say what he said. Taking a deep breath, I raise one hand to his face and cup his chin, wiping the tear away with my thumb. His eyes close as I do, and I allow myself to whisper an answer. "I know."
Sanosuke opens his eyes and looks at me. He is scared, scared that I have said what I wanted to. But before he can protest I rest my fingers against his lips and lean close, so my mouth is by his ear. "I love you," I murmur softly, then place a feathery kiss in the shell of his ear. My hand slips down to his chest, and I feel his heart, fluttering wildly like a captive bird. Suddenly, strong arms crush me against that chest and that heartbeat, and warm breath brushes over the nape of my neck.
"I love you," he whispers back, then grasps a handful of my hair and pulls me close. And like the rain that is still pattering against the windows, warm tears slide over my neck, and I know that my eyes are wet too. I shift so that my head is on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, knowing that my heart is beating with his.
[who wouldn't be the one you love
and live for
who wouldn't stand inside your love
and die for
who wouldn't be the one you love]