Pit Life
Chapter 3: Birds of a Feather…
Maintenance Report
Submitted: October 27, 1990
Responded to a maintenance request regarding bird excrement on southwest wall of motor pool. Wall was cleaned and refinished.
Note: This is the third time this month alone that Maintenance has had to clean up after Freedom and Polly. Frankly, we are getting tired of cleaning up the constant messes. Bird excrement is a biohazard and it constantly destroys sections in the Pit that require repair.
Complaint Form
Name of Person filing Complaint: Cpl. Airtight
Date: October 27, 1990
Complaint: This is getting ridiculous. Freedom and Polly don't even serve a useful purpose like Timber and Order do and they cause more damage. Request that Spirit and Shipwreck be forced to clean up their messes.
Complaint Form
Name of Person filing Complaint: Cpl. Cover Girl
Date: October 28, 1990
Complaint: There's fucking birdshit on my trucks!
Complaint Form
Name of Person filing Complaint: Cpl. Clutch
Date: October 28, 1990
Complaint: I'm shooting the birds! I don't care if Freedom is on the endangered list! Did you see what they did to the trucks?
MEMORANDUM FOR:
Sgt. Spirit, Sr. Petty Officer Shipwreck
DATE: October 28, 1990
RE: FREEDOM AND POLLY
It has come to my attention that your pets are causing damage to sections of the Pit and to military equipment. Please be sure to monitor and clean up after Freedom and Polly. This is your first warning.
Signed,
Duke
MEMORANDUM FOR:
First Sergeant Duke
DATE: October 28, 1990
RE: FREEDOM AND POLLY
We do clean up after them! Or at least I do, but I'm pretty sure Spirit does too. Who the hell complained about Polly?
Signed,
Shipwreck
MEMORANDUM FOR:
Sr. Petty Officer Shipwreck
DATE: October 28, 1990
RE: FREEDOM AND POLLY
You know I can't tell you who filed the complaints. A word of advice though….I'd steer clear of the motor pool for a while if I were you.
Signed,
Duke
Conversation recorded by Pit's internal surveillance system
Spirit: Sir, with all due respect….
Duke: Spirit, we're already doing you a favor by ignoring the fact that Freedom is a member of an endangered species. If PETA got wind of him, it would be political shit storm for us.
Spirit: …..I do understand that and I appreciate it. However, I still protest. I clean up after Freedom as best as I can, but he's still a wild animal. Do people file the same complaints about Timber?
Duke: Timber doesn't leave a mess on the Wolverine and actually contributes to missions.
Spirit: …That explains why Cover Girl threw a wrench at me.
Duke: (raises eyebrow)
Spirit: She missed obviously.
Spirit: ….What do you mean by "contributes to missions?" Freedom contributes.
Spirit: (patented poker face glare)
Duke: (rubs eyes) That's not exactly what I meant….
Spirit: (raises eyebrow)
Duke: Fine, I'll admit, Freedom has come in handy on occasion, especially since you've trained him to carry messages and attack Cobra troopers. Polly on the other hand…
Spirit (somewhat smug): Freedom could also eat Polly.
Duke: THAT had better be a joke!
Spirit (dryly): Obviously.
Duke: (facepalm)
Spirit: He could though.
Medical Report
Date: October 28, 1990
Submitted by: Stretcher
Patient: Listed below
The following personnel were treated for injuries from a fight:
Shipwreck: minor cuts and bruises; a sprained ankle; a black eye
Java Rush: claw marks
Wrench: broken nose; minor cuts and bruises
Polly: Shipwreck claimed that Java Rush chipped his talons and that Order tried to eat him. Gave Polly a piece of bread for "medicine."
Incident Report
Date: October 28, 1990
Submitted by: Corporal Law (and Order)
Broke up a fight at 22:17 between Shipwreck and two members of Maintenance. Shipwreck claims that they were bad mouthing Polly and seems to have instigated the fight. Order separated the trio and then chased Shipwreck and Polly when they refused to back down. They were caught after Shipwreck tripped over Leatherneck's boot.
RE: Incident Report
Date: October 28, 1990
To: Corporal Law
"Tripped over Leatherneck's boot," huh?
Duke
RE: Incident Report
Date: October 28, 1990
To: First Sergeant Duke
That's exactly what happened. Leatherneck's boot was scuffed. He's rather peeved.
These things happen, sir.
Law and Order
Pit PX Store receipt for Sr. Petty Officer Shipwreck
1 bottle of black boot polish
MEMORANDUM FOR:
First Sergeant Duke
DATE: October 29, 1990
RE: NEW WEAPON IDEA
Given the amount of bird excrement that accumulates in the Pit, and its hazardous properties, it would be economical to convert said excrement into small grenades to be used in combat. Such a weapon would be cheap to manufacture.
Signed,
Airtight
MEMORANDUM FOR:
Corporal Airtight
DATE: October 29, 1990
RE: NEW WEAPON IDEA
We are NOT utilizing poop grenades. If this is another one of your pranks, I will be very "unhappy."
Signed,
Duke
MEMORANDUM FOR:
First Sergeant Duke
DATE: October 29, 1990
RE: NEW WEAPON IDEA
But it makes Freedom and Polly useful for once! Besides, even you have to admit that there is a certain poetic justice in pelting Cobra troops with bird shit. Seriously, it's the perfect biological weapon since I'm pretty sure it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention.
And no, this isn't a prank. I'm just trying to find a way use the birds' messes to our advantage.
Signed,
Airtight
MEMORANDUM FOR:
Corporal Airtight
DATE: October 29, 1990
RE: NEW WEAPON IDEA
No. Also, I highly recommend that you not tell Spirit or Shipwreck that you think their pets are useless.
Signed,
Duke
MEMORANDUM FOR:
First Sergeant Duke
DATE: October 29, 1990
RE: NEW WEAPON IDEA
I'm not that stupid. I like having my face intact.
Signed,
Airtight
Conversation recorded by Pit's internal surveillance systems
Shipwreck: Fucking Leatherneck, fucking Law!
Airtight: How's the nose?
Shipwreck: It fucking hurts! And Order attacked Polly!
Polly: Attacked Polly! Attacked Polly!
Airtight: (left eye twitches)
Shipwreck: Anyway….what're you doing, Spirit?
Spirit: Hmm?
Shipwreck: Don't act innocent. What the fuck's in that bag?
Spirit: It's a special powder for ceremonial use. I'm going to ask the Great Spirit to find out who is causing problems for Freedom.
Shipwreck: And Polly?
Spirit: And Polly.
Airtight: ….How exactly does that work? Do you really believe in that mumbo jumbo?
Spirit: Are you mocking my sacred rituals?
Airtight: Uh…no….just curious.
Airtight: …..So…that doesn't like, curse anyone, does it?
Spirit: Of course not. The kachina may give the offending people nightmares for a while, but that's about it.
Airtight: Huh. (looks at watch) Well, I'm on duty soon. Gotta get some coffee. Bye!
(brief pause)
Shipwreck: So what is it, actually?
Spirit: It's exactly like I said…
Shipwreck: I call bullshit.
Spirit: Cayenne pepper, ground ghost peppers, and a few other ingredients.
October 29, 1990
MEMORANDUM FOR:
Sgt. Major Beach Head
SUBJECT: SUSPECTED THEFT OF ITEMS….AGAIN
The following items have been reported missing:
4 ounces of cayenne pepper
3 ghost peppers
8-10 jalapeno peppers
1 6 ounce bottle of habanero pepper powder
We have no idea who stole these items.
Signed,
Top Notch
October 29, 1990
MEMORANDUM FOR:
Corporal Top Notch
RE: SUSPECTED THEFT OF ITEMS….AGAIN
Why the fucking hell do you even have ghost peppers?
Signed,
Beach Head
October 29, 1990
MEMORANDUM FOR:
Sergeant Major Beach Head
RE: SUSPECTED THEFT OF ITEMS….AGAIN
The ghost peppers were for personal use. I had them hidden in the back of the pantry. The kitchen staff knows better than to touch my personal ingredients. It's an ingredient in my mother's chili con carne recipe.
Signed,
Top Notch
October 29, 1990
MEMORANDUM FOR:
Corporal Top Notch
RE: SUSPECTED THEFT OF ITEMS….AGAIN
Remind me to never eat your momma's chili con carne.
Signed,
Beach Head
MILITARY POLICE REPORT MILITARY POLICE REPORT NUMBER 43
DATE October 30, 1990
1. REPORT TYPE/STATUS: Information
2. EVALUATION: Minor misdemeanors
3. COMPLAINT/OFFENSE/INCIDENT Confiscated a cayenne pepper bomb from Airtight.
4. LOCATION laundry facility 5. TIME OF OFFENSE 13:41
6. DATE OF OFFENSE 10/30/1990
10: NAME OF SUBJECT Airtight 11. GRADE E-4
12: PERSONS RELATED TO REPORT: Shipwreck, Breaker, and Spirit
13: DISPOSITION OF: A. OFFENDER B. EVIDENCE
Cayenne bomb appears to be pressurized and remote controlled. Airtight is quite proud of it. Upon further investigation, it was found that Airtight bribed Breaker with the following items in order to gain access to some surveillance footage of Spirit and Shipwreck:
5 packages of bubblegum, 2 cans of Sprite, 1 Roadblock cupcake (Probably taken from the kitchen without permission, since they are supposed to be served in the mess hall for desert after dinner,) and the following note:
"Hey Breaker,
Can you look up some surveillance recordings for me? I want to find out what Shipwreck and Spirit talked about in the rec room after I left at about 16:40.
Thanks,
Airtight"
Further investigation has revealed that it was Spirit, and not Airtight, who originally assembled the cayenne powder mix. Spirit denies any knowledge of how Airtight gained access to it. Shipwreck denies any involvement at all.
Cayenne bomb is now locked away in the armory.
Signed,
Law
Message overheard in PIT intercom system:
Beach Head: Airtight, Spirit, Breaker, and Shipwreck, get in mah fuckin' office now!"
October 30, 1990
TO: Sgt. Major Beach Head
RE: MP Report
As ordered, the following report details the incident which occurred with Airtight. I admit to taking the pepper ingredients from the kitchen, however, I did not know that the ghost peppers were Top Notch's personal property. I will replace the peppers for him. However, I was not involved with Airtight's scheme to construct a cayenne pepper bomb. I only made the powder mix as a scare tactic to find out who has been complaining about Freedom. I do not know how Airtight gained access to the powder, because I stored the majority of it in my room.
Also, as I told you earlier in your office, Shipwreck was not involved in any of this. I know that's hard to believe, but it's the truth.
Signed,
Spirit
October 30, 1990
TO: Sergeant Spirit
RE: MP Report
You'd better believe you're replacing the ghost peppers, as well as the rest of the ingredients you took. Why the hell did you think it was a good idea to steal from the kitchen in the first place? And what made you think that you could trick Airtight, of all people? You're usually the sane and responsible one, Iron Knife…which isn't saying much for the Joes. And what is this about storing the "majority" of it in your room? Where the hell is the rest of it?
I still don't quite believe that Shipwreck wasn't involved. However, you know better than to lie to me and the surveillance footage supports your testimony.
Signed,
Beach Head
October 30, 1990
TO: Sgt. Major Beach Head
RE: MP Report
I took the items from the kitchen because I wasn't stupid enough to take them from Roadblock or Gung Ho, especially since Gung Ho is my roommate. I'd rather like being able to sleep through the night without looking over my shoulder.
As for the rest of the powder, I gave it to Gung Ho. He wanted to try some of it.
Signed,
Spirit
Disciplinary Report
Submitted: October 30, 1990
To: First Sergeant Duke
The following punishments were assigned as a result of the cayenne pepper bomb incident:
Airtight: Extra PT and three days of extra guard duty
Spirit: Three days of KP
Breaker: Mopping the mess hall floor
Shipwreck was given KP duty today for having started the fight with the maintenance crew.
Signed,
Beach Head
Conversation recorded by Pit's internal surveillance systems
Spirit (glaring): Why did you make the bomb?
Airtight: Are you mocking the sacred rituals of my people?
Medical Report
Date: October 30, 1990
Submitted by: Doc
Patient: Airtight
Patient came in with a swollen, black eye.
Maintenance Report
Submitted: October 31, 1990
Cleaned bird excrement from aircraft in hangar. Request action regarding newest incident of property damage.
RE: Maintenance Report
Submitted: October 31, 1990
Noted. Request for action denied.
Signed,
Duke
Author's Note: I'm introducing a new element to the story…the Facepalm count. It's difficult to show how often our esteemed leaders facepalm because of various Joe shenanigans in the narrative format I'm using. For your benefit:
Duke's Facepalm count: 7