Disclaimer; I do not own Supernatural, nor any of the characters, ideas, concepts, or other materials within.

I butchered a few bible verses in this, sorry. Warnings for insanity? And Lucifer, just in general.

"Help us, God our Savior, for the glory of your name; deliver us and forgive our sins for your name's sake," Castiel murmurs, tracing the golden letters on a ragged bible. His back is pressed to the sterile white wall, his legs cold through the drafty hospital gown. He worries at the plastic band around his wrist with a flash of teeth, then shrinks back and shuts his eyes tight as a familiar shape flickers by.

"That's a prayer for humans, Castiel." Satan bears a feral grin, dark and glittering. The skin of his hallucinated host is etched in time, a red-eyed man kissed by fire, a man with peeling skin and blisters just beginning to fester. "It's a prayer for Daddy's babies. God isn't so forgiving to us elders; I would know."

"You never asked forgiveness," Castiel says, but he thinks, notrealnotrealnotreal. "Not - not once. If you had - "

"I would have been allowed to crawl back under his thumb, would I? Somehow I Doubt."

"That - does not surprise me."

A harsh laugh. "No, I bet it doesn't. But there have been others, Castiel, did you know? Just as he favored the humans over us, he favored me over the lesser angels."

Castiel shuts his eyes again, but there is a rustle - like the flapping of leathery wings - and the voice comes closer now, a faint breath passing over his face.

"Most of my Fallen screamed to the sky in the beginning, apologizing and begging for mercy, crying their guilt and love. Father didn't listen. He never listens. And they learnt that, in time.

"So will you."

They're not Castiel's memories, truly, and he knows this in a very distant way. But at the same time they belong to him, and he cringes from the flames and chains and the inhuman devices which flash before eyes as though they're real. Because, somewhere under the earth and a half-step away from reality, they are.

"Please, please, mercy," he begs, because shame has died long ago. "Have mercy."

They're stripping off his skin, tall shapes of shadow and smoke and sulfur, and they're laughing, laughing, laughing.

"Anything, anything, I will do anything, let me down letmegopleasehavemercy - "

They're gouging out his eyes, tearing out his nails, one by one, and they're laughing, laughing, laughing, plucking feathers waitthatcouldn't -

"FATHER!" Because it is real, real, too real, howhowhow -

And the devil is beside him as the smokeandshadow rapes him and tears out his throat and fondles his intestines, smiling benignly, a true angel in comparison. "He doesn't hear you, Castiel. You have sinned, and Hell is for sinners."

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace - "

"Another human saying? You know, Castiel, humans are flawed in many ways. Even prophets. And I think the actual scripture you're thinking of is, "My blood is my covenant, which is poured out for my many sins..."

"He brought me back," Castiel rasps, and he clings to the thought, needing it, holding it like a beacon of hope. "He saved me, took me to the Win - to - to - to Dean - "

"Of course he did." Lucifer smiles, mockingly. "Didn't you know, Castiel?" And then Lucifer sing-songs, flapping away, "Because Hell is others..."

Castiel has been rational long enough to merit a trip to the dayroom when Lucifer greets him. "But as for the cowardly," the devil says, "the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death."

Castiel looks away, outside a window. The sky is blue and clear. To the angel's sight it flashes with red and blood.

"They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might," says Lucifer.

Castiel twitches.

"Away from God, if he lived still. Forever and ever damned. You know it, don't you? Coward. Faithless. Detestable - the angels would kill you, and those Winchesters won't come near this place - " Castiel flinches "and, let us see - oh, yes, liar and murderer. And is it idolatry if you worship yourself?" Lucifer laughs merrily. "I will give you this, little angel; you do nothing by halves."

"Leave me alone," Castiel whispers, and the tray in front of him falls to the ground when Lucifer rustles his wings. An orderly nearby watches him.

"I can't, Castiel. You died before, you remember? But this is your real death, your last death. Because I'm staying forever, Castiel."

Castiel shudders, a full body tremble, and his eyes are weeping, how did that happen? He curls up, moving the ghosts of his feathers to block out the smiling devil, the smokeandshadow, and then it's all black -

The devil is gone today, and Castiel sits outside with a bored demon, a wicked and blasphemous creature housed in the flesh of a terrified human. An eon before Castiel would have fallen on her in wrath and exorcised the blight. Now, on this sunny summer day, he looks at their reflections in a glimmering pond and thinks, the smokeandshadow is brighter than I am -

He remembers a sunny day in Heaven, a happy day in Heaven, and he remembers flying up with strength and might and laying it all to waste -

"You okay, angel?" Meg asks.

"Water is a callous thing," says Castiel, and he's drowning, drowning, coughing and writhing as they stab his feet and choke him -

"Uh-huh," says Meg skeptically. "Sure."

"Are..." His wings twitch, and he sees them in the water, too. Black and burnt. Scorched by Hell. They are Sin. "Are..."

"What?"

"Are... are parrots saved?"

"...Why?"

"Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved," says Castiel.

And as the words leave him he knows it is a lie.

"Sure, angel. All the parrots who say 'God! God!' go to Heaven."

"That's nice."

It's a lie. But then, demons always lie.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

So, Castiel decides to confess.

He wanders up to a twitching, smooth-faced girl who watches him with wide blue eyes. Her scraggly, straw-colored hair hangs down limply as a blue-veined neck jerks to the side with each breath. Across the room a nurse watches him in surprise.

"Hello."

The girl twitches. Stares.

"I killed someone."

The girl licks her lips. "Today?"

"No."

"Oh."

"They were family. My family. So many of them."

"Were they bad?"

"Some. But I was worse. I pretended to be their Father, and I was not, and I slaughtered them all for defying me."

The girl seems to mull this over. "Were you their father?"

"I had the power of their Father - so I thought."

"That's called incest." The girl seems pleased by the thought. "What else did you do?"

"I rebelled from Heaven. I was cast out. I - doubted. Lost faith."

This is less interesting than murder. The girl starts chewing on her hair and turns away.

Castiel really doesn't feel any more righteous.

Castiel does not like confrontation. He was once a general in a civil war. He has been a servant and a tyrant, merciful and cruel. He has been a lamb and a butcher, and he remembers, and that can never happen again. Confrontation is bad and evil and sinful, so when the two humans push him into a corner and beat, beat, beat him bloody Castiel doesn't whimper, doesn't make a sound, just lays down and takes it.

They have nothing on Hell, anyway.

The two are pulled off him. A nurse drags him through a bright-lit hallway, people demanding to know if this hurts, if that hurts, if this aches, but everything aches. Everything hurts. So he says nothing.

Where's that nurse? they ask. The one he talks to sometimes?

And there's Meg, lovely, ugly Meg, and behind her floats the Father of all the smokeandshadows.

"Pathetic," Satan says. "And you're a warrior of God?"

"No, I'm not," he says, hollow. "I'm not, I'm not, never again - "

"Sure, angel," Meg says. "Calm down and hold still, will you?"

He does. And Lucifer watches.

"Do you hate them?" Lucifer whispers, and Meg blithely walks by the devil. "For doing this?"

"No. Never. I am an angel."

"So am I. And yet..."

"I am an angel," he says, clearly, and a few nurses exchange looks.

"What of it?"

"Angels forgive. Father is merciful.

"Forgive, and you will be forgiven," Lucifer tells him. "Is that the way of things? But you didn't forgive, did you, Little Brother? You killed them all. Eden is a garden of ashen wings. Vengeance. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it? But if Father were alive..." The devil tsked.

"God is alive. He is."

"Have you learned nothing?"

"I -" Fire and chains and sulfur, and he squeezes his eyes shut, lying, "I do not fear you, Lucifer."

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul," quotes Lucifer. "Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell."

"Do you mean to destroy my soul?" Meg is pulling him away, and the nurses are whispering, whispering, whispering in his ears, but the devil's eyes are gleaming.

"Oh, Castiel. I can't. You did that a long time ago. But I can watch you burn.

"That will have to be enough."

A girl is singing softly in the distance. "Ring around the rosie," she whispers. "Pockets full of posie. Ashes. Ashes. We all. Fall. Down."

"But some are cast down," Castiel says.

She doesn't hear him. "Ring around the rosie, pockets full of posie..."

Lucifer prods Castiel with a wing. Winks. A television hums in the background.

"Ashes. Ashes. We all. Fall. Down."

Castiel blinks, and he's blinking back tears and doesn't know why, but he says, "And some jump."

One day, Castiel tries to kill himself.

When it doesn't work, he keeps trying.

He scorches himself with a stolen candle, but won't catch fire. He sticks his head in a sink and waits, calm and patient as Lucifer whispers and hisses into his ear, but he won't drown. He steals a butter knife and hacks hard enough to slit his wrists, but the blood stays inside.

Castiel is not God, but Castiel is still an angel. A perverted, twisted, Hell-torn angel, but an angel. And he cannot die here.

He has a sword, but is too weak to pull it forth, and Lucifer laughs at him.

He stops eating. Drinking. He prays, and prays, and he is praying for life to end, for mercy, Father, pleaseGod MERCY and the devil laughsandlaughsandlaughs -

"I did it for Him," Castiel tells the devil, desperately. "I did it for Father. I love Father. I love him. I love him. I love him."

"Not everyone who says to Him, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to Him, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?' And then will He declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.'" Lucifer tilts his head. Playfully; "Crusades are never God's work, Little Brother. Do you think yours was different?"

And Castiel tries the sink again, because, no, he doesn't. He really, sincerely doesn't.

"Let it end!" He cries one day, and the inhabitants of the dayroom stop to stare. The orderlies move to drag him away, but they can't take the devil. "Let it end, let it end! I am sorry, so sorry, Father, please - "

And...

It ends.

...Sort of.

Lightning. A prophet awakens. Castiel feels it, hears it, and he knows. And Lucifer is gone.

But blood and flame swims in his vision when he Remembers, so he tries not to think of anything. Because nothing matters. The devil is gone and the torture is gone and the world is beautiful.

He doesn't quite understand why it hurts so much, though. And Castiel knows he is not redeemed.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

I have done nothing, Castiel thinks, in a rare moment of clarity. But I am alive. The shadows are gone.

The devil is gone, but water is still cruel, and it runs from his eyes in ruinous tears. The tears are holy water, and he is tainted, because they sting...

And I will love and be thankful for Father's blessings, Castiel promises, prays, swears as he shakes and weeps. Loyal until the day I die...

Again.