A/N: Hi, I'm back. Thank you again for commenting and encouraging me. :-) I knew that it had been an awful long time since I wrote something, for that I apologies. This story is really hard to write. I didn't have the right state of mind for that. I was too cheerful lately. (Really not complaining about that. :-P)

So enjoy!

Five little words

Chapter Four: Depth

I felt alive.

I had never felt more alive than the moment the first bullet graced my face. Seeing the fire flying towards me, I was centered. When the fighting started, I had clear purpose. Everything else didn't matter to me, because all would be lost if I did not succeed.

For me, battle was my life and the world my arena. I loved it, cherished it. It was simply the only thing I had known. And the only thing I was really good at. Sometimes, Maya tried to teach me how to be human, but even her words couldn't show me the diversity of this world.

No one could. No one else had ever tried.

When John Shepard stepped in front of me, I wondered about the feelings in his heart. How did he see me? What was he thinking? What was it like to have someone superior to yourself but so similar at the same time?

Looking at him was like staring into the mirror when you had forgotten your own image. A man blinked back at me with my face but not my soul. It was as if your reflection started to be real, stealing your dreams and occupying your rightful place.

All that was his should have been mine. All that I was would become a lie when he lived.

That is why I have to kill him, because the world didn't have enough place to host us both.

Finishing this line of thoughts, I conjured the rage I used to hide in my chest. Using its power I charged at him, leaving a line of biotic power behind me. The impact of my body knocked Shepard to the ground. He winced and I heard him gasp as air was pushed out of his lunge.

The moment I towered over him, power was what I felt. Seeing the horror in his eyes, I could finally taste the triumph I had been waiting for. I gathered the power of my biotics in my hand, raising it high to end Shepard's life. It felt so good to finally face my own demon, to cleanse the world of his existence.

But fate interfered with my plan. A hard body crushed into mmine, knocking me off the prone Commander. My world turned into a realm of blur as pain reached my body, forcing me to scream. I have never felt such pain. I couldn't move, couldn't adjust.

Helpless in my confusion, I experience panic. Breathing had become very hard as my limps didn't obey my orders. With effort I was able to focus my view towards the man seeking my death.

Alenko looked furious. His eyes burned blue like the sky. His skin shimmered with a layer of energy, making his feature full of deadly intensions. As seconds went by where he drained me of my life, control returned to me, allowing me to roll out of the way as his omni-tool hit the crate.

"Kaidan, stop!" I yelled. His astonishment that I would talk to him gave me the splinter second I needed to inject the omni-gel. "I don't want to kill you!"

"Too bad, that I want you dead!" Kaidan spat. He didn't hesitate and didn't falter. In that moment, I have no doubt that he would see me dead.

His aim was deadly, but I was better. For minutes, he chased me through the crates of the Normandy Shuttle bay and all I could do was to dodge. Hurting Kaidan, seeing him in pain was something I would have done yesterday without another thought. But remembering the world I want to create for us, I couldn't risk losing him.

As Kaidan went into melee with me, I had no choice but to counter. My fist met his jaw and my heart clenched as his spat blood. But his grunt, the one he made when something hurt reminded me of the night I spent with him. Kaidan was close to me, only inches separating us. I wanted to kiss him, to pin him down right here and show him what I felt for him. But a blow to my head ripped me out of my imaginations.

Kaidan was still here. He forced me down on my knees and overloaded my shield. The electric explosion sent sparks down my body and again, I felt pain. Kaidan was stronger than I expected and Reave was indeed powerful.

"Kaidan, please!" I begged, fighting myself not to react instinctively and blow his head off. "I really don't want to hurt you! But if you continue, you give me no choice!"

"How dare you!" He bent my arm to my back and pushed me face first into one of the crates. At the same time, the Normandy shook again and I used it to gain my freedom.

Immediately, I drew my pistol and aimed it at Kaidan. "Believe me! I only want Shepard!"

"Then you have to step over my dead body!" Kaidan fired and I dodged his bullet. It came too close and again, I felt alive.

"I won't do that! But I will knock you prone when I have to."

"C'mon, then! What are you waiting for, let's finish this!" Kaidan bellowed and aimed for my head. "I have..."

For a second I didn't even realize what had happened. When I blinked, all I saw was red. The floor, the crates, my armor, Kaidan's armor. Red from Kaidan's blood.

"Finish him, Commander!" Maya yelled at me. As I didn't react, she fired a second shot into Kaidan's body and pulled over the cover.

But at that moment, all I could think of was Kaidan bleeding on the floor with a shotgun wound as big as my head. He winced and shivered. He coughed and blood escaped his beautiful lips. The Major gasped for air and reached for the open wound at his side. He tried to get up but failed.

"Kaidan," I called. Maya's hand was at my arm when I tried to jump over the cover to help Kaidan.

"Stay here and fight! You are losing focus again."

"Maya, he's hurt!"

"Yes, and he will die soon!" She spat at me. "Finish him!"

"I'm not letting him die!"

"I didn't get this far so you can compromise the mission! My plan was perfect, don't ruin it!" She slapped me in the face and at that moment, I wanted to strangle her. "It's him or humanity!"

But she was right. My quest was to save humanity from a false idol. I was supposed the lead the army against invaders and alien conquerors. On the other side, time was running out for Kaidan. As I watched him slowly bleed out on the floor, shivering and bickering, I remembered how he did the same under me but because of a whole different reason.

I couldn't forget my purpose, but I couldn't forget Kaidan, either. For a single second, I allowed myself to picture my future in victory. I would be celebrated, elevated to a real legend. I would have millions bow before me and tremble at my command. But what would happen when I return to a place I might call home? What would be there?

I saw Shepard's apartment in my mind, every detail as clearly as if I was there. I remembered the silence in that place, the crackle of fire and the rush of the fountain. I remembered my reflection on the polished metal and pounding against my chest. Above all, I remembered what I felt.

Solitude had become a friend. A familiar feeling. Before yesterday, I didn't even know how it felt like not to be alone. But now, I could not forget it. I could not breathe when I relieved the depth in my mind. My world was like the perfect apartment on the Citadel. My life was a symbol to many other. But to me, it was empty before Kaidan brought life into it.

"No!" I gasped. "Screw humanity!"

Maya's scream sounded from very far away as Kaidan got closer and closer. When I bent over him, I could see that he was closer to death than to life.

"John," he gasped. "John, I'm sorry!" he coughed blood as his trembling hand reached for my face. "John, I don't wanna die..."

"You'll not," I said and examined his wound. It looked bad. Maya fired her gun from close distance and the bullet drilled deep into his armor and flesh. Without medi-gel, Alenko would perish in seconds. "I'm here, look at me, Kaidan. You'll be fine, I promise."

"I'm so sorry..." A drop of tear came from Kaidan's eyes. I knew that he thought I was his lover, but I didn't care. Now, I believed that he loved me. "John, please... I'm so sorry! I... I really didn't mean... to... to hurt you!"

"It's okay, Kaidan," I said. "I forgive you." I knew that I didn't have the right to say it and I wanted to anyway just to him smile again. And there, he smiled at me, as weak as a dying deer. His lips trembled and he gasped as my medi-gel touched his skin. "Kaidan..."

Again, I was interfered. Something closed around my throat and pulled me away from Kaidan. My first thought was that Maya wanted to see the Spectre die. But then, I realized that his arm belonged to a male.

Facing a dying Kaidan, I forgot that the one I should focus on was still there. Shepard's grasp was firm and his arm blistered with blue fire. He yelled something too close to my ears and punched me in the side. Knowing that this was the man I hated, I didn't hold back. After a struggle I enjoyed too much, I was able to escape his clinch.

"How dare you touch him!" John Shepard bellowed at me.

"I love him!" I shot back, charging at him with the purpose to murder. "Does is mean nothing to you?"

"You know even know what that means!" Shepard charged back.

We met mid air, causing an explosion that went through the whole shuttle-bay. Our weapons flew out of our hands as we both landed on the floor. Our shield was destroyed and my body screamed for medi-gel. But I used my last one on Kaidan.

That I might lose was a new concept to me. I had that thought before, but I had never been that close to it. Facing Shepard, with all his experience and his faith, I wondered if I would be crushed under it.

His fists punched into my face and my knee met his belly. His elbow met my jaw as my hand reached for his throat. I crushed my skull against his and felt his hand on my wrist. He screamed and broke my wrist. I screamed and cut his side with my omni-blade. It was a fight I could not win or lose. It was a fight against myself, because I realized that he was as good as I was.

The Normandy shook again and we both lost ground. We tumbled to the floor, entangled in each other, seeking each other's death. As we rolled out of the barrier of the Normandy, wind blew past us, letting us know that death awaited us below.

For the first time, I saw the Citadel. As clearly as it was. For me, it had been an instrument of power, a centre of scheme. But now, I saw it as a world full of homes. People I vowed to protect lived here, worked here. Ordinary people that would kiss their wives goodbye and embraced their children when they came home. People that would love as Kaidan and I did.

Another tremble went through the Normandy. This time, without the safety of the shuttle bay, Shepard and I both drifted towards the deadly border. Panic let me react. I couldn't think about anything else now, all I knew was that I had to find something to hold on; otherwise I would fall until I was no more.

As the legendary Commander and I both dangled at the edge of this War Ship, I was close to tears. I didn't want to die. It wasn't fair. I was human, just like him. I could feel and I could fight. I could smile and cry. I was a man. And I didn't deserve this.

"Why you, why not me?" I asked, suppressing my tears. "What makes you so damn special?"

My answer rushed toward us. Kaidan, he was alive. The wound in his side must be burning, but the fire I saw was his love to the man next to me. The Major threw himself at his Commander without hesitation. The Turian called Garrus Vakarian was right behind him. They reached Shepard and as their hands touched, I wanted to scream.

Driven by my instinct of self preservation, I searched for Maya. No matter how much I might have disappointed her, she still was my ally. She needed me, she cared for me, she maybe even loved me.

And there she was, standing behind the railing, looking down at me.

"Maya!" I called but she didn't answer.

She just looked at me, shaking her head slightly as if telling me that I was not worth the risk. Her big brown eyes were cold and she frowned at me. She slowly stepped back and I saw her abandoning me.

That was the moment all became clear in my head. I had never been her lover. I had never meant anything to her. I was an asset as I had seen her. She woke me for her dreams, not for mine. She manipulated me and I had let it happen.

My self-esteem vaporized. I wasn't the chosen hero, only a clone. I was a clone of Commander Shepard, fabricated to produce spare parts. All those big words Maya used were as empty as my life. All those resources I had, the army I owned would turn on me the moment they saw me fall.

And here I was now, watching Kaidan Alenko and John Shepard fall into each other's arms and exchanging a brief but strong kiss. They pressed their forehead together and whispered words only meant to each other.

"I love you." I could read from Kaidan's lips. I could even hear his voice in my head and I wished so much that it was for me.

But his heart belonged to the real Shepard. The one that towered over me, shadowing my being. The one that was the real shining knight of humanity. The true hero that would save the world.

I admired him and envied him.

I envied him for his ship, for his crew, for his Turian friend and for Kaidan. They risked their lives for him not because he was the one, but because they cared for him. Even the Turian. They didn't see him as a human male, a great soldier, but as one of them, as family.

I wondered if they would notice me if I let go now. If I would ever be mentioned again, other than in their reports. I wondered if Kaidan would ever think of me again. Of what we had done and how it felt. If he would remember my face, my kiss, my touch. Or if he would ever speak my name.

Then I remembered, I didn't have one.

"What of this one?" The Turian asked.

For a moment, I wanted to live. I wanted to climb back and take what should be mine. But then, how would the other two feel if I killed their brother and lover. How much would they cry? How much pain did I want to add to this sinister world?

I wished Maya had never waked me.

"Take my hand!" Shepard's voice reached my ear.

For a moment, I didn't believe it, but hope still filled my heart.

"But what then?" I gasped. Would I ever find an own name and place? Would I ever be free after what I have done? Would I ever feel love again?

"Then you live!" Shepard said, his voice so full of warmth and compassion. In his eyes, I really saw that he wanted me to live.

"But for what?" I gasped for the last time and released the tension in my arms. I had nothing to lose. I have nothing to live for. Nothing that would keep me breathing and my heart beating. Nothing, that can grand me salvation.

"No!" Kaidan must have seen through me. His hands clenched around my arms and his eyes pierced through me. "Don't! I beg you! Don't die."

"Why?" I cried. "Why should I live if you can't love me?"

"I have use for you!" Kaidan whispered. "I want you to live! Please."

And there, five little words and my life suddenly held meaning.

Five little words, and my nightmare was over.

I, John Shepard, would live.

*I NEED YOUR HELP!*

I really don't know if this should be the end the this story or if I should go on. I have a few ideas about what comes next, just don't know if I should write it. Because I'm planning another one. Something funny and fluffy. Not that much angst^^So you help me!

And well, I was really emotional about the clone. I really really wanted him to live and I really really wanted to hug him and tell him that everything is alright! well, I fixed that here^^

And of course, thank your for reading. And I'm always happy about comments and reviews^^

HeavenOnFire