Hi thar! Glad you're still reading!

Disclaimer: If I owned Homestuck, I would explode because of the sheer vastness of power I would hold. It is too much for one mere mortal goddess.

===} Have a third person narration for once.

? ? ?

What is this sorcery?!

===} DO ET.

It sounds like witch craft. I don't wanna.

I, the narrator, will interrupt before the authoress and random bold text get into a petty argument. This chapter will be partially from my point of view.

But-

But-

NO BUTS.

Now, where were we? Let's start this chapter in an orderly, plot related fashion, overlooking Sollux's plotting and going to David.

It's Dave!

If I say he's David, then he damn well is David.

Ahem.

David was rather baffled by the blackouts he'd been experiencing lately. They didn't make any sense. All he gathered was confusion, embarrassment and something he could not quite identify. Now, we all know of his growing enamourment to Terezi-

Hehehe!

What is it NOW?

I totally imagine this being in a British accent!

...

... growing love for Terezi, but since his own 'cool kid' vanity got in the way, he was blinded to that fact. And now what was the deal with Sollux? Why was he blabbering on about David being his knight? Okay, granted, he was Knight of Time. He just wasn't anyone's knight though. He was Terezi's.

David then wondered to himself where that thought came from and corrected himself, rethinking. He was his own knight. He then chose NOT to correct that thought because of the sheer irony, even though no reader understood this. But that's cool. Sure, it was a bit sad that no one could figure out the enigma that was his mind, but that was as it should be. His mind was an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, stuffed inside a taco, smothered by the ironic cake-that-is-not-a-lie and drowned in apple juice. Shit be real.

Okay, what the hell was that.

David gave it to me to say.

Isn't it dangerous for DAVE to be breaking the fourth wall?

You did it last chapter to insert yourself into the story and advertise.

But that-!

Shoosh, author. Only narration now.

Now that the little nuisance is uncons- I mean sleeping, we can continue on. Although, I'll be making a few changes...

= = } Jake: Appear.

Your name is JAKE ENGLISH. You aren't QUITE SURE what you're doing in this seemingly fantastical story about romance, mild drama, and flying green rabbits, but you'll roll with it. After all, you are English, and if nothing else, you are calm. If Dirk were here, he might even ironically add in that you were cool as a cucumber and proceed to bow at your feet from the sheer amazing-

OH, is that a cerulean lady?

As was mentioned in CANON (which you have absolutely no clue why the bloody hell this term would appear), you have a LOVE for the CERULEAN LADIES. This one seems to be one of the trolls, so her skin is really grey-tinted-blue. But since cerulean ladies DO NOT ACTUALLY EXIST, you'll take what you can get. You approached her and put on your most charming smile, taking in the adorable frilly gown she was wearing. "Hello, miss! My, aren't you looking lovely today?" She turned around quickly, seemingly startled. She looks at you and gives you a small smile, blue flooding her cheeks. OH, she blushed BLUE! How absolutely adorable is that?

"H-Hello, sir." Her voice was soft and timid, and she looked away as if debating something.

You swooped in and leaned her back, caressing her cheek in one hand, "Well, madam, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking positively blue. How's about a lovely girl like yourself go out on a date with me?"

She blushed furiously, and you realized as she spoke that she has an accent, much like yours, "U-Um, while I'm normally not adverse to such proposals of courtship, I must decline." You were disappointed until she began explaining, "You see, I've a bit of a mishap. I woke up and was here. I'm supposed to be in London, not here in America!"

"We're not in America," You blinked, "We're on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean."

Her pretty expression twisted into one of confused, grieved horror, paling as blue gathered at the corners of her eyes, "Oh, what has become of me? How did I wake up here in a house filled with such strange creatures and occurrences?"

You looked at her and said resolutely, "I'll help you."

The mysterious woman dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief, and looked up at you hopefully, "Sir, you would help a complete stranger?"

"Of course!" You then mentally berate yourself. How could you have forgotten? "Oh! Golly, I can be silly sometimes. My name is Jake. And what would your name be, my sweet?"

"Victoria," She smiles up at you, twining her fingers together and oh, her name just rolls off the tongue, "Victoria Sekrina."

= = } Did we just witness the beginnings of JakexVriska? !

Yes. And you will like it.

= = } ):‹

But little did the two Englishmen (Brit and newly dubbed Englishwoman?) know, David was nearby, and heard the entire thing. He had just been walking and thinking about his limitless supply of irony (which would encompass ten thousand of the greenest pastures of majestic horned and winged hoofbeasts, magnified eight fold and multiplied with the size of Seto Kaiba's ego added with the power to look good in leather pants and/or shoes) when he stumbled upon the entire sickeningly sweet conversation. He then remembered: Shouldn't he be angry at John or something? He seriously didn't understand how he was blacking out, but he had a feeling it had to do with something John had wanted to show him.

Don't be angry for too long. He's your friend, and friends forgive!

David silently told his subconscious/conscience/personal demon/whatever-this-voice-was to kindly shut the fuck up.

Sniffle, sniffle

Oh God. And apparently it was a crybaby too.

He ignored it, hoping that it would eventually go away. After all, nothing is ever that persistent, except perhaps Rose in a passive-aggressive war. The thought of Rose then brought him to the thought of Kanaya, which in turn brought him to the thought of Edward Cullen. The fact that Kanaya glowed and Edward sparkled wasn't helping! David silently screamed and contemplated knocking himself over the head with the hilt of his shitty sword. And then that weird voice piped up again.

Just think about something else. Like My Little Pony!

Okay, that was apparently common ground between the two of them. David quietly thought about Twilight and how she had become an alicorn and how Discord and Fluttershy needed more screen time together because they'd make the best moirails ever. David then sighed to himself. He supposed that the trolls had infected him with their language somewhere along the line. He then quietly thanked the voice, who in turn giggled out a you're welcome! David then wondered why the voice sounded like himself.

But before he could wonder for too long, he heard a whistle.

David blinked. He looked around himself. Why was he here? And why did he have a vaguely ominous feeling?

That would be because you are a paranoid little shit who does a mini pirouette off the fucking handle if even an eyelash is misplaced.

David frowned at the snarky voice and chose to ignore it. It wasn't being very helpful. He then wondered if maybe he was assigned a little angel on his shoulder. That would explain the voice. Maybe the angel was just feeling a bit grumpy to be taken out of Heaven and put with him. He supposed that he would feel a little put out if he were high up in the clouds and suddenly inside some boring kid's head.

OH MY GOD, can you be any more fucking naive?

Maybe, Mr. Angel, David quietly thought back, but now's not the time for that! There's something going on here...

Wow, how do you figure?

I feel like John did something-

Because he did!

-and Karkat seems scarier than usual.

...

Mr. Angel?

Oh dear. David frowned to himself. It seemed that Mr. Angel had lost contact.

Well folks, it seems like we have the next Sherlock-fucking-Holmes here! He must have deduced through the awkward little details; random black outs and memory gaps that somehow John royally fucked with our minds worse than Lewis Carol on a bad acid trip. Shit be spewing forth white rabbits with mini pocket watches and their panicked as fuck scurrying around as some dipshit little girl goes all "tra la la la la" after him, getting stopped by a fucking deranged cat. God, this trope is so old, I mean just like, "fuck you, you dumb feline, I'm trying to get through, stop being damn cryptic" and he just grins that stupid fucking smile-

Or maybe Mr. Angel hadn't lost contact after all. David waited patiently, blinking in confusion for a little while the voice's topics rapidly switch through from Alice in Wonderland metaphors to the validity of mermaids and monsters hiding under the bed to a rap about how since Obama became the President no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore.

At the end of it, he heard heavy panting. David quietly thought to him, You okay? You must have used a lot of breath on that!

You… listened?

Of course I did. Why wouldn't I?

Well. Maybe there's hope for you after all, kiddo.

Really?

Yup. This shit is more genuine than the homoerotic subtext of BBC Sherlock.

Thanks!

David smiled to himself a little.

Any reason why you keep calling me "Mr. Angel"?

Because you must be an angel sent down to talk to me when I was feeling lonely without Terezi? Don't worry, I understand you being frustrated. It must not be fun being pulled from Heaven and just put inside this random kid's head-

Whoa, whoa, speedy, don't get into any chick flick moments here. You really believe I'm an angel?

Of course! Are you trying to say… you aren't…?

David looked down at the ground, sniffing a little. He was so sure that an angel was with him to help and he believed full heartedly in that. He would surely be heartbroken if Mr. Angel wasn't really an angel… More devastated than if he found out unicorns didn't exist. Pffft-

= = } Hey! Don't laugh at the poor kid! He's sho innocent and it's fluffydorable…

Apologies, apologies.

Mr. Angel sighed, Okay kid, I'm an angel.

Oh good!

David smiled to himself again, brightening up. Oh, goody! He quite gullibly believed the voice in his head and went off to see if he and Terezi could work on comics together. He then stopped, looking suddenly frightened.

Mr. Angel? How do you um… talk to girls?

= = } Sollux: Plot whilst ominous music ominously plays.

What? That's so stupid. And even if you wanted to plot, where would you get such ominously ominous music? Dave? Well, maybe if he liked you the way you like him… Do you like him?

The headaches have been getting worse. One pounds through your skull, and the urge to tear out your hair so that even a bit of the headache bleeds out seems very favorable right now. You close an eye; the blue one, of course. Ever since that encounter with Karkat and John in the hallway, you haven't been able to look at the color blue without shivering. Screw black being the color of death; the color of destruction is most definitely the color of the ocean or the sky or John or Vriska and Equius's blood colors…

You think you need to see some sort of specialist about this. You would, but can't. Your planet was destroyed sweeps ago. What scares you is that it actually took you a minute or two to remember that you and your friends were the only survivors of toppling an intergalactic empire. That's usually not the sort of thing someone forgets.

At least you think so?

What are you supposed to be remembering?

You remember the basics; your name is Sollux Captor and you are currently having the biggest fucking headache of all time. But what was your age? Blood color? What did your hive look like?

You decide not to pay attention to this and how the color blue whispers soothingly for you to rest yourself. You instead turn to the matter at hand.

Getting rid of Terezi.

We shall now go to a different character because if we continue with Sollux and the monologue that is sure to happen, it would give away the plot far too early! Who wants to read something that's already explained to you?

= = } I hate you.

No you don't.

So… Hm… What character should we harass- I mean look at next?

I think we shall go to

= = }

No, wait-!

} Authoress: Wake up.

What?

You slowly blink your eyes open. Oh man, another self insert? You still find these silly and with no real purpose. That is to say, I still find these silly and with no real purpose. Now that you think about it, you probably shouldn't be doing this. Interacting with characters for too long seems to inflict a curse upon the author/authoress. I mean, just look at Hussie! He was shot in the chest! So was Kripke when he inserted himself into Supernatural! Wait… he was shot too…

Your name is LIVVYKITTY (not really, that's just a pen name because like most people on this site, you're paranoid about giving away too much personal information) and you suddenly have a crippling fear of guns.

With really isn't good since you're looking at one.

After the obligatory silly command phase is completed with you running around in circles and jumping away from the gun as if it had caused World War 3 (which may or may not be an analogy of pensively dubious schematics that may or may not lead to possible future events), you sit down to think.

Hey, where are you?

You want ice cream.

OH, ICE CREAM! :D

Ice cream would surely make this better.

Definitely.

Holy crap you're in a cage. Why didn't you address this in the first place? Gosh, you can sure be flighty at times. Almost as flighty as John doing the Windy Thing. What was that, reader? That joke wasn't funny? Just think about it. Also, you do call John's power the "Windy Thing" because you are not too cool for all that silly crap. Quite the opposite, really. I mean, why would you be here, writing stories about characters that don't exist and aren't yours if you were anything actually awesome and had anything resembling a life?

Anyway.

You look around. This looks like the Mary Sue dungeon you have in your handy dandy imagination, minus all the sickeningly perfect and terrifyingly pretty characters locked up and crying tears of diamonds while singing parodies of Disney songs about freedom and friendship and true love. You give an inward shiver that was actually very visible (and very obvious considering that "shiver" involved you shaking about your arms as if you were possessed).

You really have no clue what the hell past you was on to create those things. Seriously, what are they? Past Livvykitty, what the fuck?

A small voice, faint and sounding like a dorky eleven year old innocently answers, I was on sugar! And I'm a good writer; future me is just a cranky old woman. Don't be a hater! Haha, LOL! XDXDXD

You really, really, really fucking hate past you right now. You were such a little shit. I mean, seriously.

= = } Narrator: Free Livvykitty.

Now why would I do that? I'm not done with my little corrections of this story.

Now, now, who next?

= = } His Holiness, The Grand Troll Jegus: Snuggle with John.

Okay, these nicknames are getting a lot better a lot faster than you thought for the stupid Authoress. There may be hope for that dipshit yet. If she had been imprisoned and replaced with some sort of omniscient narrator, that would be both a shame and a blessing. A shame because she really wasn't getting better, but a blessing because the ridiculously idiotic names have stopped. You could get used to the new names. They're suitably frivolous and grand for your amazing leaderly prowess. And suitably un-adorable, or even adorabloodthirsty.

Your name is KARKAT, and you are unable to snuggle with the pretty John human because he is, at the moment, going off to save doomed timelines. What? Just because you all were alive and on a tropical island in what was basically paradise, that doesn't mean you didn't have duties to attend to.

Well, most of the others have discarded their duties and retired early to go about whatever things they go about doing. You've been trying to talk Vriska into taking off as well and taking "all the irons in the fire" out. John had a hard enough time as it was without Vriska creating new doomed timelines every few months.

Though, you supposed it kept him busy. It just seems that your John would be lost without needing to play the hero, even if he didn't understand that.

You got your duties done and are taking a break. Saying that you are the most bored thing on the planet was an understatement. To say that you were the most bored thing in the gut of this froggy universe just wouldn't do it justice. Maybe you're just bored enough to span the range of many universes containing different Earth shows that are definitely extremely awful. More awful than the romcoms you've watched a million times (so you claim; you adore those to death)

= = } Karkat: Spray paint the wall with a smiley face.

What? Why in the fucking hell would you do that? That makes no sense and is, you are fairly sure, a plagiarism of something entirely different. You look at your Husktop as it pings. Oh. John is messaging you.

ectoBiologist started pestering carcinoGenetiscist at [16:48]

EB: hey karkat! :D
EB: ‹3
CG: HELLO JOHN FUCKING EGBERT.
CG: FROM WHAT DEPTHS ARE YOU CALLING ME FROM TODAY?
CG: OR IS IT JUST SOMETHING THAT I SHOULDN'T KNOW SINCE I'M A CIVILIAN.
EB: hehe!
EB: its a secret, Kar of Hearts!
EB: ‹3
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
CG: DID YOU JUST
CG: CALL ME
CG: "KAR OF HEARTS"?!
CG: THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE STUPIDEST BUMFUCKING BONELICKING PIECE OF ORANGE GLOB SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD.
CG: IF THAT NAME WAS A SPEEDBOAT, THEN IT JUST CAPSIZED ON THE FUCKING DEEP BLUE.
CG: THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH DISMAY AND THEN ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY JUMP INTO THE OCEAN TO COMMIT MASS SUICIDE.
CG: IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED, JOHN?
CG: TO BE A MASS MURDERER?
EB: hehe,
EB: youre adorable when youre feisty!
EB: and besides only my kisses are killer.
EB: but of course youd know that.
EB: ;)
CG: OKAY
CG: MAYBE THAT'S TRUE,
CG: BUT IT'S MORE LIKE
CG: I'M FALLING DOWN A STAIRCASE FOR YOU.
EB: aww, karkat,
EB: thats so sweet of you to say!
EB: :)
EB: well,
EB: im off to save the world a few more times.
EB: bye!
CG: GOODBYE JONATHON.
CG: …
CG: ‹3

Now that that cuteness is out of the way, shall I move on? I wonder who we shall go to ne-

= = } Chapter: End.

No, sto-!

= = } CHAPTER: END

= = } Reader: Assist us in keeping back the Narrator, before she-

There you are folks! First chapter in over a year and things are getting intricate up in here. I still have no clue where the hell this is going.