Chapter 46

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die,

A time to plant and a time to uproot,

A time to kill and a time to heal,

A time to tear down and a time to build,

A time to weep and a time to laugh,

A time to mourn and a time to dance,

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.

Ecclesiastes 3 (1-5)

i.

Daryl

I made my way to the isolation cells, thinking that I really wasn't the right person for the job. Why didn't Rick just release them already? None of them looked like a threat – still thin and bedraggled despite Herschel's TLC. I was wondering why we were wasting our precious food and resources on a bunch of people who might not stay. Rick said if any of them had wanted to leave, none of them had apparently, we would blindfold them and drop them off somewhere far away. So, hopefully they wouldn't find their way back. Well, I knew that he'd got more careful about who we let it into our group. I was thinking, just because they'd been the Governor's enemies, didn't automatically make them our friends despite that old saying 'The enemy of my enemy is my friend' or make them into good people either.

There were 6 prisoners but I my eyes were drawn to the boy – still looking battered with fading, yellowing bruises. Looked about 14 or 15 and I had to fight the urge to get out of there.

The boy was me at his age. Looked tough but his eyes told a different story as they slid away from me. The last thing I wanted to ask him 'What did the bad man in Woodbury do to you?' Fuck.

Shit, Rick. Why did ya think I would be good at this shit?Knowing him and Herschel, this was probably all some scheme dreamed up to help me get over things – by talking to people who had also been prisoners of that psycho in Woodbury. Probably been tortured and violated in a variety of ways.

They were all in separate cells apart from the married couple – that made 5 cells. I could only guess what they'd endured as prisoners of the sick fuck if my own experience was anything to go by and I considered myself to have got off lucky.

How was I going to talk to them in private without the others hearing if I wanted to get the truth out of them?

I decided to address them all first before I took them into the office to speak to them individually and the couple were whispering excitedly, like they recognised who I was. Their gaze on me felt heavy, weighing me down. The boy was just slumped there with a far away gaze in his eyes and I knew he had zoned out, wasn't listening. That didn't matter, I'd get to him later. Herschel had told me what the sick fuck had done to him. That he'd been hysterical when they'd brought him in.

I took out my crossbow, just to make sure. Pointed it around so they could see it. 'Now. Ain't no-one gonna get hurt unless they try some funny business.'

They nodded except for the boy but I ignored him.

'Now, name's Daryl. Maybe ya even heard of me – I'm second in command here. Everyone bein' treated OK? Gettin' fed, showers?

Only the couple second on the right nodded. 'Ya folks have been more than decent to us, thanks.'

Anyone got any wounds or medical problems not being seen to?'

Again, the couple shook their heads.

No-body else answered so I took that as a 'No' all round. Didn't matter – if they didn't speak up, it weren't my problem.

I paused. 'Now, seems like ya wanna stay since none of ya have said ya wanna leave. We ain't keepin' anyone here 'gainst their will. We ain't like the Governor. Anyone wanna leave? All ya gotta do is say the word.' All of them shook their heads vigourously except for the kid.

The middle-aged man spoke up. 'Name's Bob and this here is my wife Maria.' The others kept up their silence.

'Well then, I'm here to check what kind of people ya are. Whether ya gonna contribute. See – we've had some bad experiences jus' lettin' anyone in here - let loose among my people.

…

The guard nodded and opened the gate of the first cell where the young woman was.

She had fading bruises around her thoat and on her arms and I felt a surge of rage rising in me but hid it. I'd got better at concealing my emotions and controlling myself these days. Even so, maybe something showed on my face because she backed off against the wall when she saw me. So I stopped where I was in the middle of cell but kept my crossbow trained on her.

I heard Bob call out, 'Where ya takin' her? What ya gonna do with her?' I could hear the worry in his voice.

'Nothin' to worry about. Not if she co-operates.' I eyeballed her, challenging her.

I could tell she was hiding something behind her back, probably a makeshift weapon even though they had all been carefully searched. She was a fighter all right.

'I ain't gonna hurt ya. Jus' wanna talk.' I told her quietly. Trying not to be intimidating but trying to dissuade her from any stupid shit. Her eyes were full of fear but she looked tough.

I motioned with my weapon. 'Drop it.'

Her eyes widened in apparent shock that I knew about it. I didn't for sure –had just been a feeling.

Glaring at me, she dropped the blunt, steel cutlter knife to the floor and I suppressed a laugh. She was going to stab me with that? 'Come on.' I told her. Jus' gonna talk.'

'Fuck you.' She swished past me. I couldn't help but check out her ass but quickly looked away.

'Feisty.' I bit back and grinned.

Fuck! She's probably been raped and God knows what else and I'm looking at her ass? So soon after Beth?

I felt like a shit.

ii.

Keira

I looked at the man standing pointing the bow-like weapon at me. I didn't even know what it was called. He looked mean and rough – I knew it would be dangerous to cross him. He was lean but muscular and strong. His gravelly, broad red-neck accent seemed to confirm my suspicions but I knew I was just being prejudiced.

Yet – there was something sexy about him and I couldn't believe that I was thinking about guys again. I closed my eyes and swayed a little as the memories assaulted me. Them on top of me, forcing themselves inside me, groping me everywhere. Calling me names, whispering filth in my ears.

The pain. The terror.

'Ya OK?' He grabbed my arm – his touch was surprisingly gentle but I still screamed and jerked back. 'Don't touch me!' He immediately let me go.

I heard Bob yell behind me, 'Ya OK, Keira?... Get off her!' He screamed protectively but Daryl ignored him.

'Jesus! OK, I won't touch ya! Jus' looked like ya were phasin' out there.' He snarled at me instead and I felt a moment of fear. But that was until I noticed the kindness in his eyes that were all to human and full of understanding – I wondered why I hadn't noticed before.

We strode along the corridor, one of their guards leading the way until he paused at a door.

Daryl motioned with his strange looking weapon. 'Get in there.' He ordered me roughly but he avoided touching me.

…

Daryl

I motioned the seat opposite me across the desk as I sat myself down.

Shit I don't belong here. In an office, behind a desk. Dixons belonged in the woods, the fresh air, the mountains. What do I know? Why couldn't Rick choose someone else for this job?

Like she's gonna talk to me. Probably scared of all men if they did what I knew they usually did to young, attractive female prisoners. To some men too, I knew. The sick fuck wasn't above raping men – twisted bastards like him would perversely enjoy it more than overpowering a woman. More of a fight.

The guard stayed inside, another one outside the door. I didn't even know their names – they were new. I wondered who had vetted them.

'Sit down.'

She did but there was still fear lurking in her eyes despite her aura of toughness.

'I meant it. We're not gonna hurt ya. I ain' t that kind of man, believe me. We ain't no suck fucks like in Woodbury. We're decent folk 'cos no-one's hurt ya since ya got here, have they?'

She shook her head.

'Jus' tryin' to get to know ya, is all. Ya wanna stay here?'

She nodded eagerly.

'If ya want to be part of us, gotta ask ya some questions.'

'And ya gotta tell me the truth. I'll know if ya lyin', trained for this, ya know.' My voice hardened.

'OK. She sighed. I reached over for a pen lying on the desk and she flinched, drew back.

'Jesus!'

'Sorry.' She mumbled.

'Ain't gonna touch ya, ain't gonna do nothin' to ya, unless ya do somethin' dumb, right?'

Looking more reassured now, she nodded.

'Like attack me or lie to me or some shit like that. Got it?'

'So, where do ya come from and why ya at Woodbury?'

''Cos I thought it would be safe...instead, instead...they...' Her eyes were burning with tears and she was shaking and I hated having to ask her. Making her remember.

I looked down at the desk, giving her some privacy and remembering the taunts: 'Tell me, did your Daddy fuck you too?'

'He did, didn't he?

'Bet ya can suck cock really well, can't ya? Daddy taught ya good, didn't he?'
'Can't wait to try ya out.'

I didn't press her though, I didn't want to know. But it was obvious to me – the flinching, the fear in her eyes when she looked at me. The boy was even in a worse state.

'They hurt ya.' I finished her sentence for her. 'I'm sorry.' I mumbled. Embarrassed and not meeting her eyes.

Trying to change the subject, 'Where were ya from before this?'

'Small place near Atlanta. I was a nurse.' She sniffed. Me saying 'Sorry' seemed to have calmed her.

'Got any family?'

'I had some before in Georgia but I haven't heard anythin' since...'

'Then they probably didn't make it.' I told her. Truth was hard but it needed to be said. Easy for me to say when I still had my brother.

She sniffed again but I saw her muscles tense, her lips trembled as she was trying to get herself back under control.

'I know. I don't hold out for any rosy dreams of reunion, believe me.'

'How many did ya kill?'

She looked at me then in confusion. 'Ya mean people or biters?'

'We call them 'walkers' here. But yeah – how many biters?'

She shrugged her shoulders. 'I don't know.'

'Roughly? One...two...three?'

'A dozen...two dozen...'

'OK.' I finished writing notes down in my book.

'What's ya weapon?'

'Knife, fists whatever's handy.'

'Right. Think we're finished – we're gonna let ya stay. Nursing skills are very handy here.'

'Oh thank-you very much.' She said, a touch of sarcasm in her voice and I liked it!

….

iii.

Daryl

The next was the boy. He told me his real name was Tony but he'd given the sick fucks in Woodbury a fake name – his brother's name.

He started crying for his younger brother Ryan, not for what the Governor did to him at first. While I sat there like an ass, not knowing what to do, feeling like a shit because I still had my brother. Worse, I always got uncomfortable when people started blabbing, I even thought Merle would be better at this shit than me because he always knew how to make me feel better.

I let him cry it out, remembering Keira, I hesitantly reached to touch his shoulder but he jerked away. I knew that going through that shit can make you not want to be touched from personal experience.

'Sorry.' I mumbled for the second time.

'I'm such a fuckin' pussy, ya know? Lettin' him do that stuff to me...'

I shook my head. This was too close to home. 'Ya ain't a pussy, son.' I tried to say the right thing while cursing Rick not for the first time for giving me this job. I didn't know shit about how to talk to people – especially ones who'd gone through this shit. Wouldn't Herschel or Maggie be more suited to this?

He sniffed, dried his eyes. 'Ya know...he called me Daryl. That's your name, isn't it? Why he call me you? I...I told him my fake name – Ryan but he hit me and told me to stop lying.'

I felt my damn pussy body tremble and tried to hide it without answering his question. 'Yeah...that's strange.' Trying to sound only mildly surprised.

'Ya hit him back? Ya try to fight him?'

'Yeah.'

'Then ya ain't a pussy.'

He smiled a weak smile and looked down at his lap.

I took a deep breath and took the plunge. 'What else did he do to ya, son?' I asked him softly, hoping he would tell me to 'Fuck off' and refuse to answer. Like I would have done at his age.

But he didn't. Seemed to want to talk. 'He...He..' He started shaking then and could have kicked myself for asking. 'He...called me you and whipped me with his belt...said he was gonna...gonna make more scars. But no-one whipped me before...I didn't understand.'

'Sick fuck.' I snarled as I closed my eyes. I knew what the bastard had been up to – he couldn't get me so he'd got the next best thing to act out his twisted fantasy on. The kid looking just like me was no co-incidence and I didn't want to hear, just wished he'd stop but it was my job to ask. I wasn't about to back out then.

'Then what, Tony?' Forced myself to ask him.

'He...he pinned me down, got on top of me...Fuck,... it hurt so bad..But the doctors in Woodbury were kind to me...told him he'd hurt me so bad that I needed time to heal so I didn't have to go back to him...'

I clenched my fists in rage as memories of my father came to me then and I shuddered. I don't like touching most people I don't know but I stretched my hand out to him. Slowly, to see if he let me, giving him plenty of time to back away. But he didn't. So I put it round his shoulders tentatively and when he let it stay there, I drew him to me. He didn't resist and I was surprised he let me this time.

'He fuck ya?' I whispered, trying to keep my voice low and even and not give away the rage I was feeling. Easier that way for both of us.

He nodded and started sobbing into my shoulder. I held him tighter even though I felt awkward with this comforting shit at first - it just wasn't me. 'It's OK, it's OK. He's fuckin' dead, I killed him. Ya safe now. Ya with good people – we're ya new family.'

But what else could I say? I started stroking his hair to soothe him, like Merle had done to me in the past when shit got too much for me. After a while, I found my rhythm and I seemed to be doing OK because at least his trembling finally stopped.

I was surprised that he let me, that he trusted a fuck-up like me who had let his own girlfriend die for him.

'Jus' gotta try and move on.' I told him, starting to like this, feeling that I was good at it.

When I sent him back to his cell, he seemed calmer and a bit more aware of his surroundings. I told him he could come and go hunting with me and Merle, we'd teach him how to track the animals, if he liked.

He'd nodded with a sigh of relief. 'I wanna get out of this cell...sick of being cooped up. Wanna get some fresh air.'

My hand surprised me by ruffling his hair. He looked up at me and grinned, looking for all the world like any 14 year old boy who were used to nothing other than computer games and baseball. Seeing that smile gave me a warm feeling inside that I hadn't felt since Beth. I did that? I got this sad kid to smile?

…

I vetted the other people – another young woman and man, students from up at Atlanta. Couldn't believe that Rick was giving me sole responsibility in deciding whether to let these people join us or not. Luckily, they'd only been prisoners of the Governor for a few hours and nothing much had happened to them. Like the older couple – probably would have been used in the Saturday night shows. They'd all been taken in by the signs that had promised food and shelter. The guy was called Eric and the girl, Sandra. Both had been sophomore classmates – studying psychology.

'Should come useful.' Merle sniggered later when I told him about the new group members who would join us the next day back in his cell.

Didn't tell him about what Keira told me – the group suspected what had happened to her but they didn't know for sure and I didn't want to betray her confidence. I did tell him that she was really feisty and hot and he laughed at that. Slapped my shoulder. 'Way to go, little brother. Already getting over ya little fiancee.'' I snarled at the way he dragged that last word out mockingly, reminding me that the joke was on me because I hadn't known that we were actually engaged. Beth had just gone around and told people, apparently and told them to keep it a secret. Even from me. I should have noticed the signs -that she was unstable and I had to hold back from punching that infuriating smirk right off his face. 'Any fresh pussy for me in there?'

'No! Not for ya worthless ass, anyway.'

I also told him about Tony and that the sick pervert had called him by my name and the other things he'd done to him. The same things Dad did to me – this fact was not lost on Merle as he clenched his fists. 'Fuck, little brother, shame ya killed him. I wish I could have drawn it out nice and long and painful for that piece of child-rapin' shit. Kids! Didn't even think he would have sunk so low. Bastard really must have been really obsessed with ya, hey? Fuckin' sick and damn right creepy. I mean why would anyone become obsessed with you?'

I ignored the jibe – I knew he was mocking me to try and make light of the situation. 'Yeah, like ya didn't know what was goin' on? Ya were his fuckin' head of security!'

'He weren't doin' that shit with kids when I was there! Ya know what happened to those pieces of child-molesting shit in the slammer where I was? If I'd known...'

'Yeah, well ya didn't. Jus' like ya never knew about Dad and me.'

'That's because I wasn't there!' He raised his voice and got in my face.

'Yeah, that's right, ya weren't!'

We glared at each other, the air was crackling between us and I sensed us exchanging blows wasn't far off.

I was the first to look away, not in the mood for a fight.

'Anyway, like I told Tony, 'Put it in the past and move on'.

Merle backed off as well and dropped his glare.

'That's a good idea.'

'So, when they get out tomorrow ...I said he could come tracking with us.'

'OK.' Merle put up less of a fight than I expected. The last thing I thought he would have wanted was to have a kid trailing along, making noise and scaring away the food.

'Ya not gonna be mean to him or anythin', right?'

Merle shrugged. 'Sure. What do ya take me for? Jus' keep him quiet while we're tracking, right?'

'Night.' I called out to him before going back to my cell. It's emptiness grated on me, reminding me of what I had lost. But maybe Beth had really been one sandwich short of a picnic.

That didn't mean I didn't feel guilty and alone, though.

'