Title: Misdirection

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters herein, nor do I claim them for my own. They belong to J. , Bloomsbury, W.B etc. and that is probably a good thing.

Pairings: Harry/Draco

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: EWE

Summary: Harry buys a new owl after the war – a bird he soon realises is cursed to send letters to the person he hates most. Draco Malfoy finds the whole thing hilarious.

Author's Notes: Whilst I hope this doesn't come across as too cracky…it really can't be helped. Also, I guess this is more preslash? With a lot of snarky Malfoy and pissed off Harry.

Anything like this - /text/ is what people have written and then crossed out, just thought I'd clear that up. I've posted it on my lj at lea_anberlyn as well if you want to see what the format should look like. Enjoy!

Dear Hermione,

You were right about the owl, I should have got one years ago. But it was so hard letting go of her. Hedwig was my best friend for years and then suddenly she was gone and getting another owl was just…You're right though, I'm not replacing her, I'm just moving on and I need an owl. I can't keep borrowing Ron's; the poor thing is getting so tired from all the journey's we're making it take it looks like it's going to collapse. But I still miss her and I probably always will. The new owl's great but…it's no Hedwig. I couldn't get another owl like her but the guy in the shop promised me that this owl is very dependable and friendly. I'm still not sure about the friendly bit – he likes to bite quite a lot so I've taken to wearing gloves around him.

Anyway, you're going to be his first job so let's see how he is for dependable!

Hope you're feeling well,

Love, Harry.

Potter,

I can't believe I'm saying this but I almost feel sorry for Granger. She must be a saint to put up with your whining all the time. Get over yourself. It was an owl. It's time to move on to better pastures.

Also, I'm feeling very well thank you for asking. Especially after getting your letter, you brightened my day up quite considerably.

Draco Malfoy.

/What the/ Malfoy,

Why are you reading my letters?

Harry Potter

Potter,

Ask your owl. He's the one who keeps sending them to me.

Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy,

How the hell can I ask an owl? They don't talk!

Potter,

And how long did that take you to work out? Well done though, your intelligence has finally gone up a notch.

Draco Malfoy.

Hey Ron!

Just wanted to quickly ask you about that curse we learnt last Friday. How many boils does it make again? I wanted to—er—try it out for a bit of practice, I don't think I quite managed it correctly last time.

Harry

P.S. Please don't tell Hermione I asked about the curse, you know she doesn't like us 'messing about' after class. Thanks.

P.P.S. Oh and I heard the Cannons weren't doing too well recently. Bad luck mate but they can only get better right?

P.P.P.S And tell Hermione I said hi!

Dear Deluded Potter,

Maybe you should actually listen to what your Auror teachers tell you – you might learn how to write an actual letter instead of the thing I read just now.

Here's hoping for miracles,

Draco Malfoy

Dear Harry,

How is your owl doing? Did you sort out the problem of it sending letters to Malfoy? I've been doing a little research but you know how busy it's been lately – what with the recent infestation of Horklumps – they're quite pesky little things on their own but in their current numbers…

Anyway, I wouldn't want to worry you, we have it all under control and I've been looking into employing some Gnomes to get rid of them. Ron thinks it's a silly idea but if we can campaign to help the houseelves then shouldn't gnomes get the same treatment? He can be quite bigoted sometimes. Honestly.

Please write to use soon, I'd love to see your new owl, have you named him yet?

Hermione

Dear Ferrity McFerret,

Get lost.

Yours Insincerely,

Harry Potter

Potter,

I do believe you are the one sending me letters, not the other way round. I am merely being polite in answering them. Maybe you should actually look into why your owl is sending me all your letters instead of wasting your time trying to use that pea-sized thing you actually call a brain. Oh, but what am I saying, doing the former would actually require use of the latter which, as we both know, for you is quite impossible.

Draco Malfoy.

Dear Hermione,

You've got to help me. This owl is driving me nuts! Not only does he keep biting me – I've had to buy another pair of special gloves to protect my fingers, he actually bit through the old ones – but he's still sending letters to Malfoy! Okay, so the last few I actually meant him to send them but this has got to stop! I can't not send letters to people!

Anyway, I've put a tracking spell on him this time so I can tell where he's going – and if he ends up going to Malfoy again then…I'll…try something else. And no I haven't named him – well, I call him 'you bleeding owl' sometimes but I don't think that's quite what you meant.

Thanks anyway,

Harry.

P.S. I agree with Ron about the gnome thing – can they even talk? Maybe you should just leave them as they are…

Dear Potter,

You'll 'try something else'? Come on Potter, you're supposed to be a high-flying Auror-trainee are you not? Surely you've at least figured out by now that your owl is under some sort of spell or curse. I'm surprised you haven't researched any before now! Your intelligence really is below par. I've written a letter to your instructors at the Academy stating my concern for the state of their new trainees and asking about their admittance process. I'm sure there must have been some kind of mistake in your case.

Draco Malfoy.

To Whomever-it-may-concern,

I am writing to you as a concerned citizen about the current state of the Auror trainees. I have it on good authority that some of them may have taken advantage of the good will of the Ministry employees and deceived them to get onto the course.

Now, there is one particular student that I have heard about – one Harry Potter, who I am sure you know – I would suggest you talk to him first about this as a matter of urgency. He has been seen flaunting his power over his fellow witches and wizards in Diagon Alley and not acting with decorum expected of one belonging to the Aurors.

Yours,

A Troubled Citizen.

Malfoy,

I can't believe you actually wrote a letter to my Instructor! He took me into the office to talk about my 'recent behaviour'! You have no idea how embarrassed I was; everyone thinks I cheated on the exams now!

Harry Potter

Dear Troubled Citizen,

We in the Auror Corps hold the worries and concerns of our people in highest regard and as such we have immediately begun a re-evaluation of our admittance procedure. Certain members of the Ministry have informed us that they will do their utmost in investigating any possible fraudulent claims against the recent trainees.

In regards to Harry Potter you have nothing to fear. We at the Auror Corps are proud to have him among our new trainees, he is a new shining star in the Aurors and you can rest assured that he will do whatever it takes to ensure your safety in the future.

Yours sinc.,

Auror Kimpleton

Potter,

I'm glad to see that the Auror department is at least somewhat efficient. Although I must say the letter I received from him was rather disturbing – he seemed under the impression that you would become an excellent Auror one day and that my safety would be secure in your hands. I am tempted to write to St. Mungos next. Clearly something is not right. In the meantime I have been researching about your plight and have found some things that may help. As such, this letter contains a potion that can be absorbed through the skin. Hopefully it will help you and your wayward owl to bond – and you should even be able to talk to it which should make you very happy I'm sure.

Draco Malfoy.

Dear Potter,

Whilst your attempts at avoiding me in public are rather commendable, you must admit that running into a store and destroying an entire shelves' worth of potions was not your grandest moment. I'm at a loss as to how you even achieved such a feat.

That being said, I have, out of the greatness of my heart, still been looking into the troubles with your owl and have sent with this letter a list of all possible curses your owl may be under.

You can thank me later.

Draco Malfoy.

P.S. I thought you looked rather fetching in all those feathers.

Dear Harry,

You can't stay in your room all day – I know that you think you look…well, ridiculous but it really isn't as bad as you seem to think. And anyway, you can barely even see most of the feathers anymore after you moulted. Ron has promised not to laugh anymore and I need to see the full extent of /the damage/ what was done if I'm going to be able to help you.

You really brought this on yourself you know. Ron told you to stop sending letters to Malfoy. And you will insist on not doing as you're told. How have you not taken your owl to be seen by a cursebreaker yet?

Honestly, I despair of the both of you sometimes.

But do let us come over tonight – I think it would be good practice for Ron if he can find out what potion Malfoy gave you.

Yours,

Hermione.

Dear Hermione,

No way is Ron coming near me with a wand/potion/anything. You can come over tonight after 8pm but tell Ron to stay at home. If he laughs again I might be tempted to do a lot worse than just break his nose.

Harry.

P.S. Thanks for lending me your owl for a bit. I can't believe Ron's is actually sick! And yes, I know, I'll take the owl to a cursebreaker first thing in the morning. If you can get these damn feathers off me.

Malfoy,

I'm going to kill you.

Potter.

Potter,

I do hope your owl was not hurt when it came crashing into the Manor wards – we have quite a few set up against death threats, as you should if you had any intelligence at all. I cannot believe that you do not test against foreign potions – I'm glad that I could help you see your neglect in this area. Hopefully in future you will not trust every letter that comes through your window.

Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy,

My wards are fine thank you – or they will be as soon as I can think of a way to keep you out of them.

You'll be glad to know that the feathers are all gone now, thanks ever so much.

Harry Potter.

Potter,

Your wards are atrocious Potter – in fact they are quite possibly the worst I have ever seen. How can you live behind them? Surely you have to do something to keep out the hoards of raging fans that throw themselves at you daily?

I'd be glad to recommend someone to look at them for you, if you would like.

Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy,

Uhr, forgetting the insults for a moment that was actually quite nice of you…are you feeling okay? And, just so you know, I do not have a 'hoard of raging fans' throwing themselves at me. They stopped after I sent the snakes after them.

Harry Potter

Potter,

Ah, eloquent as usual Potter. 'Uhr' is not a word if you were wondering. And yes, I am feeling quite well, thank you for asking. I just received my regular shipment of French chocolat so I will be quite indulged for the remainder of the day. I don't suppose you've ever had the fortune of being able to eat French chocolat so I have attached one to this letter – hopefully your owl will not have eaten it before it gets to you.

Regio Tutela is outstanding at creating steadfast wards for houses – although one might be amiss in calling that shack you live in a house. Ask Granger if you doubt me. You may use my owl to send him a letter. I'm sending him along with your nameless creature.

Draco Malfoy.

P.S. Dare I ask about the snakes?

To Mr. Regio Tutela,

I have recently come across a few problems in my Wards, I have been told by afriend acquaintance that you are one of the best and so I would like to take the chance to hire you. If that's okay. Please write back to me as soon as possible,

Harry Potter.

Malfoy,

Like hell I'm going to eat anything sent by you. Especially after last time – I'm still finding feathers in my bed!

Harry Potter.

P.S. The new wards are great though – thanks. And, uhr, it was cool of you to lend me your owl. I swear this whole thing is getting ridiculous.

P.P.S. Uhm…about the snakes…I just told them to guard against anyone with a camera – I didn't think they'd actually bite anyone! I thought they'd just hiss or something…Anyway, I got rid of them a while back after Hermione heard about it. Pity though, the snakes were good company.

Harry,

Bestill my beating heart! Harry Potter has called me 'cool'. I do believe I can die happy now. And of course the wards are great, I would never recommend anyway who could not live up to the standards of a Malfoy.

Also I would never be so vulgar as to poison chocolate! How like you to suggest such a thing.

Draco Malfoy

P.S. Is poor little Potter lonely? Although I must admit if you are to have an animal companion you can't go wrong with a snake – getting in touch with your inner Slytherin Harry Potter?

Malfoy,

Okay, okay, I ate the chocolate in the end – you're right. It's good. Like Thorntons but better I guess. /Can't believe I'm writing this/ Thanks again. Snakes are good and all but…you can't really bond with them. They like to do their own thing and they never even came inside the house. I think it's just because their cold blooded.

Harry Potter

Potter,

I cannot believe you just compared French chocolat to Thorntons! Someone really should teach you about class Potter. /I could no absolutely not/ Unfortunately I am so busy as of late that I couldn't possibly give up the time to spare, and you poor little brain could not fathom the ideas of grace and style anyway.

And snakes can be very hot blooded when they need to be.

Draco Malfoy

Malfoy,

/Was that oh my god you're just really/ Uhr…don't suppose I could get some more of that chocolate off you?

Harry Potter

Potter,

Is that your rather disastrous attempt at avoiding my last statement? And do invest in some Be-Gone-Ink; your scribbling is rather odorous to my eyes.

The chocolate has been sent with my own owl – yours took one look at it and flew out the window. What have you done to it now Potter?

Draco Malfoy

Malfoy,

I didn't do anything to the bloody thing, he's just annoyed because I wouldn't give him any chocolate.

Anyway I was looking through your list and came across a curse called Turbatio. I, uhr, just wanted to know where you read about it.

Harry Potter.

Why Potter, are you asking me a favour? Oh I should write this down somewhere, I will frame your letter and keep it hung in my bedroom forever in pristine condition. Does Granger know you asked me this? Does Weasley? Oh let me tell him!

Draco Malfoy.

Ron,

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. You cannot believe how sorry I am – I had no idea he was going to do that! I didn't ask himthat kind of favour! I asked him about a book, there was no mention of sex anywhere!

Please stop giving me those looks.

Harry.

Malfoy,

You're a prat. How could you do that to Ron? I thought he was going to have a heart attack! Don't come near us again. Ever.

Potter.

Potter,

Oh well, in that case I'll just keep this book on obscure and darker than dark curses to myself. And your owl will keep on giving me letters.

Congratulations by the way, I read in the Prophet that you successfully completed your Auror training. Although how that is front page new is beyond me.

Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy,

/For fuck's sake/ Fine. What do you want?

And...uhr...thanks. I'm just glad I can finally do something.

Harry Potter

Potter,

I want a lot of things. What are you offering?

Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy,

You're not thinking about sex again are you? If you are forget it. And why are you so obsessed with sex? Is Lonely Little Lord Malfoy not getting any recently?

Harry Potter.

Potter,

When would a Malfoy ever be so crass as to ask for sexual favours? I'll have you know I can get any willing partner I want – I do not need to ask for it, people throw themselves at me quite regularly!

Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy,

Well, it's nice to know your ego is still intact after all these years. And I didn't mean sex you idiot! Anyway, could we maybe meet up sometime and you can give me the book in person?

Harry Potter.

Potter,

/What you can't mean really/ Are you asking me on a date Potter?

Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy,

Of course not! Where the hell did you get that idea?! I just thought it'd be better to do it in person. You can just owl it to me instead.

Harry Potter.

Potter,

No that's fine. How about 2pm today at the Leaky?

Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy,

That's fine. See you there.

Harry Potter

Potter,

/That was actually nice

You've changed since school

Could we maybe do this again sometime

You look ridiculously hot in those auror robes

God/

Hope the book helps.

Draco Malfoy.

Dear Ginny,

Hey, it's…been a while hasn't it? I don't know why we stopped speaking after, well you know. I think it just kind of passed us by didn't it? I hear you're doing well though! Ron talks about you all the time, he's so proud of you, his genius professional Quidditch sister. The Harpies are doing so much better since you joined them too, I've been keeping an eye on them!

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to see how you were doing. I've been thinking a lot recently about things ended between us and I wanted to know if you were free to talk anytime soon? Could we maybe meet somewhere? I…I really needed to talk to you.

Yours hoping,

Harry.

Potter,

Hoping to get back with Weasley's sister Potter? I thought your taste had improved since then. Obviously not.

And you have to stop your owl sending me these letters. They were amusing to begin with. Now it's just getting to be very bothersome. I have better things to do than feed your owl.

Draco Malfoy.

Potter,

I noticed you didn't reply to my last letter. Hit a nerve did I?

Draco Malfoy.

Potter,

You really like the Weasel's sister that much? I thought better of you Potter.

Draco Malfoy.

Potter,

Really. Now you're just being childish. And very rude.

Draco Malfoy.

[Front page of the Daily Prophet]

This morning at 5am Harry Potter, a recently ordained Auror and the Defeater of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was rushed into St. Mungos on a matter of urgency. Little is known about his injuries but they are said to be severe. Rumours are that he jumped in front of a Reducto curse to save the life of his partner, Ronald Weasley.

Potter,

What the hell were you playing at? You could've been killed you idiot!

Draco Malfoy

Malfoy,

Aww, it almost sounds like you care. Were those your flowers on my bedside table this morning?

Potter,

Absolutely not.

Then why did they say, 'Get Better Soon You Stupid Excuse for an Auror, What Kind of Idiot Can't Dodge a Simple Reducto'?

Potter,

Well, whoever this mystery flower-giving person is they seem highly intelligent. And concerned about your inability to keep yourself safe in the field, it's all over the papers that you actuallyjumped in front of a curse. You are beyond words Potter.

Draco Malfoy.

/Malfoy/ Draco,

So you've been reading about me then?

Harry.

/Harry Potter Harry Fuck/ Harry

It's hard to avoid them, your ugly face is one the front page of every newspaper in Wizarding London – even the Quibbler, although their story differs somewhat from the one in the Prophet. I find it hard to believe you were running away from Glaswegian High-Class Porkrackles riding a Halfcorn. Although the one about youjumping on front of a curse and then ending up in St. Mungos for a week seems almost as unbelievable.

Draco

Draco,

It really wasn't as bad as they make it seem. It would've been a lot better if Kimpleton hadn't tried to heal me. He made it a lot worse than it was.

Harry.

Harry,

Yes well…it was still very stupid of you.

Draco.

Draco,

I know, I've been properly scolded by…just about everyone I know. Mrs Weasley was particularly vocal about it actually. It's…nice to know that you care enough to do the same.

Harry.

Harry,

Are you insinuating that I'm the same as Mrs. Weasley? The mere thought is enough to make me feel below par. Do not suggest such a thing ever again. Ever.

Also, your owl is still sending me your letters. Which means that your previous letter to the young female Weasley was never sent, I wasn't sure if you were aware or not, seeing as though you chose that time to throw yourself in front of a curse. You really are an idiot Potter. And you seem to attract curses. You clearly need someone to keep an eye on you. /I would damn it That is I can/

Draco.

Draco,

About that letter…it's not what you think. I don't want to get back with Ginny.

Harry.

Harry,

/Really that's thank God/ I have no concern over your love life Potter. Who you chose to date is your own choice.

Draco.

Draco,

Yes. Yes it is. So can you come visit me again? When I'm awake this time?

Harry.

Harry,

/I I don't know if This probably isn't a good idea/

Fine. I'll be there in half an hour. And I'll bring your owl with me.

Draco.

Draco,

Good. See you soon. We have a lot to talk about.

Harry.

The End.