A/N: I had the idea for this story months ago, but my muse never co-operated enough to actually write it down. Eventually, though, we made peace and here it is. Will be multi-chaptered. Set some time after the show ended. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: What do you want to hear? No, as much as I want to, I don't own LTM. Not now, not ever. Otherwise, this would be the beginning of Season Four.

Life is not made of what ifs. Life is yes or no, do or omit, win or lose. Life is never maybe. Maybe is a life on hold. A life that is waiting to be lived. Sometimes, though, it is necessary to live with a what if, with a maybe, for a while because the right moment, the moment that is worth waiting for, isn't there yet. And until this moment occurs, you have to pretend.

It was a weird case. Their client is dead. He hired them prior to his death. Suffering from a terminal disease, he knew that he would die and payed in advance for his last wish, so to speak. They had to do their job within the 24 hours after his death had been confirmed by a doctor and before the testament will be read because there are two versions of the testament and the version that is going to be read later today depends on the results of their observations.

Widow and son of their deceased client are going to be his heirs based on what they determined. It was the classical story. A rich, old man and a young, pretty wife. Not his first wife, not even his second. One of many to come and go as time passed by and their client became older and richer until death was knocking on his door. Despite his own excessive lifestyle, their client wanted to make sure that there was nothing going on behind his back. Something between his latest wife and his son of one of his former marriages, to be exact, who are about the same age. That would have excluded them from getting anything; his whole heritage would have gone to charitable institutions.

They had only this one chance to talk to son and wife or rather widow. The lawyer of the family informed the bereaved to be ready for an interview. Since Cal and Gillian had known that moment would come, they were prepared and brought the best knowledge and experience The Lightman Group had to offer, meaning that all four of them went – Torres, Loker, Cal and Gillian – so that they could work in pairs, interviewing son and widow separately.

It didn't take them long to find out that there hadn't been an affair. It also didn't take them long to realize that even if there hadn't been an affair as yet, there probably will be one soon. There is definitely an attraction between widow and step-son. They just pretended there wasn't. And to be honest, they pretended rather badly. Their job wasn't about finding out what someone pretended, though, but only about the facts. No affair prior to their clients death means that they will be his heirs. Everything else is irrelevant.

They are on the way to their cars. Loker and Torres took a separate car because they will stop at another client on their way back to the office. They are some steps behind Cal and Gillian within earshot.

"It was so obvious," Ria laughs. "This guy has the hots for his step-mother. Ugh, this is weird." Torres interviewed the son together with Cal while Gillian and Loker were interviewing the wife.

"Not if the step-mother looks like this," Loker smirks.

"But can you imagine pretending not to feel anything for years?" Ria insists agitated. "Or at least acting as if you don't feel anything? I can't."

There is a sudden, awkward pause and Cal can literally feel their stares at the back of his neck. Pretending not to feel anything... Acting as if you don't feel anything... Well, congratulations, Torres, that was a little too close to home. Of course, Eli and Ria realized the similarities the moment she said it. Cal glances at Gillian but aside from an almost imperceptible quirk she shows no reaction. It is not the first time that he wonders whether she actually is unaware of his feelings. If she is, she is the only one. His own daughter kind of forced him to admit his feelings for Gillian some months ago although he still owes her an answer why he doesn't act upon it or tell her. And Loker and Torres obviously know, too. The current, awkward pause is enough unwelcome proof.

"No, I can't either," Eli eventually admits because it would be even more awkward to not answer Ria's question.

They have reached their cars and Loker and Torres get in and away before Cal or Gillian even have a chance to say goodbye or at least wave at them.

It's late summer, but fall is already announcing itself with falling leaves and shorter days. The sun is low, shining a soft light on Gillian's face when she opens the passenger door to get in. Cal hasn't changed his habit to check her out blatantly. It is moments like this, though, that cut deeply into his soul. When her natural beauty strikes a chord in him so that he can't deny the truth. And in this brief moment, while looking at her and feeling the cold air of the approaching evening on his skin, Cal realizes that he can't bear the weight of what seems to be a lifetime of denial any longer, that he doesn't want to pretend any longer. Not one second.

Cal is driving and Gillian is looking out of the window. It's like that a lot lately. She used to be the one to talk and laugh or rebuke him but not anymore. For a while, Cal had been thinking they were back to normal. As normal as life can be after Claire's death and what Gillian experienced. Then Gillian started to distance herself from him. She still talks to him, still laughs and even still rebukes him if necessary (and that means on a daily basis). Nonetheless, it feels differently as if her heart is not really in it. Cal is pretty sure that she is not depressed, that she actually coped with Claire's death. Somehow, this makes it even worse because he doesn't know the reasons for her behavior and his own bewilderment hinders him from asking her what is going on. She knows how to outsmart him, has perfected her technique over the years so that he didn't notice it in the beginning. These days, though, the distance between them is a constant companion and painful reminder of what used to be and is missing now.

They have to stop at a traffic light and Cal turns to look at her. She is still watching something outside or maybe she is watching nothing and rather dwelling on her thoughts. He would give his right arm to be able to actually hear her thoughts. Her head is slightly tilted to the side and he sees her carotid artery pulsate softly. Memories how he found her after Claire had been murdered, her hands and shirt covered in blood, are brought back and the urge to reach out and touch her skin, feel that she is alive, is almost overwhelming. I'm going to lose her. The thought is there in his head out of nowhere, but it takes his breath away because he knows it is the truth. The memory most likely triggered this realization. When he saw her after the murder, he was afraid that it was her blood, that she was wounded and that he would lose her. And now, after all they've been through, he is afraid he might lose her either way. He may have decided that he is done pretending. That doesn't mean, though, that she will agree or even listen to him. However, he has to try.

Just when the lights go green, Gillian seems to sense his glance and turns to look at him. Well, maybe there still is an invisible connection between them after all.

"Why do you think they denied their feelings?" he asks her, referring to the widow and her step-son. "Do you think it was just greed or possibly even moral?"

They could be just talking about the case, but he is aware that he is dangerously close to doing something completely unreasonable like stopping the car and blurting it all out, confessing his love. He knows, though, that it would be wrong. He has to get through to her first, understand why she distances herself from him. Otherwise, he may not only lose his last hope of being with her but perhaps also his business partner and he can't even remotely imagine that.

"I don't know," she answers quietly.

Cal hates how her voice sounds. A tone of voice she never used in the past. Friendly but too polite, bordering on indifferent. He is not anybody. They are friends, close friends; her voice shouldn't sound like this when she talks to him. It should be filled with warmth, affection, love.

"Aren't you the psychologist who always needs to know the reasons why something happens?" he starts an attempt at a light-hearted conversation and it seems to work.

She smiles, and for a brief moment, they are who they used to be. Cal and Gillian. Inseparable. Familiar. Relying on each other.

But when she answers, the distance creeps back into her voice, "People have so many layers, Cal. Sometimes, it's better not to question things but simply accept them."

After Claire's death, he kept his eyes glued to her. They talked, he held her when she cried, even stayed with her overnight when it was bad, comforted her until she fell asleep. It was a tough time, but it felt so good to be there for her. And it felt even better when she was over the worst. Now and here, and as cynical as it is, Cal almost longs for the tough time to come back just because he yearns for the closeness they had then.

He still is aware that it is most likely the wrong moment to address this, but Cal Lightman isn't known for his restraint, and right now, he feels as if he will explode any moment. Too many thoughts and feelings kept inside for too many years. His skin crawls; his heart throbs and his head hurts. Her detachment is causing him physical pain. Actually, he has trouble breathing.

"Cal...," Gillian notices that something is wrong and looks at him worried. "Are you okay? Do you want me to drive?"

So, that's what it takes, he thinks bitterly. She may distance herself but as soon as he is in trouble, there is at least a glimpse of the Gillian he once knew.

"I give a shit about the grieving widow and her horny step-son," Cal curses, tossing all caution out of the window. "But I saw something in their eyes today that I see in the mirror every morning. Every morning, Gill. Something I bury within myself so deep that I hope even you won't be able to see it. The regret of a life not lived."

Silence. There is nothing but silence. Then he feels an ease of mind he hasn't felt since forever. His head stops to hurt and his pulse slows down; his body no longer on alert. Instead, he hears Gillian's breathing now – shallow and irregular. Just when he starts to believe she won't even acknowledge what he said, he hears her whispered words.

"I don't think I can do this, Cal."

It's almost a plea and her desperation cuts right through him.

"It's ok, luv," he relents. "We don't have to talk about this now."

At least it's out in the open. Maybe that is enough for one day.

They have arrived at their office building. Cal parks the car and stops the engine. Gillian is about to get out when she stops in the middle of the movement.

"It's not only now, Cal," she adds and he can tell that it is not easy for her to say this. "I also don't want to talk about it later. Let's just...," she struggles for the right words and doesn't find them. "Let's just not do this."

She doesn't look at him when she eventually gets out of the car and walks away, straightening herself as if she left a burden behind.

I know it's a bit sad, but I love angst, and as the saying goes, it has to get worse before it can get better.

With Easter approaching, I'm not quite sure how fast/slow the updates will be and hope you'll stick around either way.

Thank you so much for reading. Every review is very appreciated.