Note about silent moments: Dear readers, Silent moments is filled with triggers. From Cutting, rape, suicide attempts, and murder. I'd like to make it really clear that I do no condone any of these and I do not wish to hurt or offend anyone by writing this. It's just something that came to my head while I was going through issues. I will put this trigger at the top of each chapter, as well as several additional warnings.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light…"

Bella

I couldn't hide out at Masen's forever.

Eventually, I was told that I had to come home by none other than Phil. It was Christmas Eve so I had been expecting him to make me come home at least for appearances sake. Still, I had not been looking forward to it.

When Masen finally got around to dropping me off at home, he didn't come in. Unfortunately, my mind was clouded with nothing but fear as I stared at the bright yellow door of my home. I was expecting the worse from Phil even if Emmett was around, he'd find some alone time to make some kind of comment.

"Relax, blue," Masen soothed as we stood outside my front door. "He won't do anything, and if he does-just call me. I'll come kick his ass."

I sighed, knowing full well that's exactly what he would do.

"Kidding," he joked.

"Liar," I snorted.

"I wouldn't do anything stupid because I have you to worry about," he replied.

"Good." I said as I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. I wasn't ready to let him go yet. The last few days had actually been nice, peaceful with very limited negative emotions surging forth. I slept quite a bit as well, the dark circles under my eyes looked much better however they weren't gone completely.

Would they ever be though?

"You better get inside," he rubbed my arms.

"I'll miss you." I whispered.

"I'll miss you too, blue," he seized my chin and made me look up at him so that he could give me several dozen kisses, most were on my lips but he didn't miss a chance to kiss both my cheeks, forehead, and nose as well. "I'll call you tonight, okay?"

"Okay," I received one final squeeze before he let me go.

Do you know how badly I wish I could utter those three words to him? It's silly that after knowing those feelings, and acknowledging them aloud even, I couldn't find the courage to actually say it.

Trying not to look overly bummed, I headed into the house. Naturally, everyone was up-it was nearing eleven o'clock in the morning- and there was a big rush to see me.

Rosalie nearly knocked me over with the force of her hug. "Bella!"

"Hi," I laughed, still feeling kind of light.

Masen's kisses were the best.

She squeezed me for several more minutes before letting go and cupping my cheeks to stare at my face. The worry in her eyes melted away almost instantly, "You look good."

"It's only been three days," I rolled my eyes. However, even I knew that I looked different. It's amazing what three days of sleeping, eating, and being loved can do to a person.

"Still," she sighed.

"Stop hogging her," Jasper whined, hip checking her out of the way. He pulled me into a hug and squeezed me so tight, I was nearly unable to breathe.

"Only…three days," I managed to gasp out causing them to laugh.

"Sorry. I got a little carried away." Jasper blushed and let me go. "It's just good to see you looking…" Rosalie shot him a steely glare. "Er…"

"I get it," I sighed.

An uncomfortable silence fell upon the foyer. I didn't like it one bit. It made me feel antsy. Shifting foot to foot, my eyes fell upon Emmett. He seemed oddly relaxed at the moment.

I realized that I owed him a lot. Without him, I wouldn't have been able to see Masen.

"You know you wanna hug me too," I joked, holding my arms out.

"Caught me," he teased but enveloped me into a soft hug.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Anytime," he squeezed me once before releasing me. "You'll be my sister in a couple short months. It's the least I could do."

I grinned down at my shoes.

"Yes, yes, fantastic," Phil's dry excitement reached my ears. "Bella is home. Tell me how your stay with the Cullen's was?"

"It was great, thanks," I couldn't look him in the eyes. Just hearing his voice made me sick to my stomach. It made me think about what he did to me, how he let me be dragged out of the car by essentially my greatest fear.

"That's nice to hear."

"I'm going to go-"

"Oh Bells, don't go. We're making cookies! The dough is almost ready, I think." Rose tried to tug me toward the kitchen.

"Let me shower first?" I needed to get my emotions under check before I crashed, and crashed hard.

Rose bit her lip and nodded, "Alright but come back in an hour, okay? We'll make cookies and sip hot chocolate-maybe go play in the snow."

That actually didn't sound so bad.

It was odd though.

This was going to be my first real Christmas since Elle passed. My first Christmas without her was spent in a mental hospital and my second, and third, weren't memorable in the slightest. I honestly couldn't remember what I did for either of them.

"Okay." I promised. "I'll be down in an hour and then we can do…holiday stuff."

She smiled so big I wouldn't be surprised if it hurt her face.

I left my family in the foyer and jogged up to my bedroom to give myself some time to adjust alone. I didn't realize that it was a mistake until after I was in my bedroom with the door shut. Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett had actually been good distractions from the realization that Masen wasn't close anymore.

Now that I was alone, however, I felt it.

I didn't like it one bit.

To distract myself, I decided to dye my hair. I hadn't dyed my hair in nearly two weeks, which was kind of upsetting, so spending the ten minutes picking from what was left of my stock of hair dyes was calming. I decided on a dark bluish purple and brighter purple for this week's hair.

I only had two boxes of dye left, which would have to be fixed soon, and they happened to be a bleaching kit and blood red. I could do a blonde with red tip combo or a red hair with blonde tip combo, I'd just have to wait until next week to decide.

The one downside to dyeing my hair was that after I spent the ten or so minutes applying it to my hair, I had absolutely nothing to keep my attention.

Not good.

Quickly, as to rectify the situation, I cleaned up my messy room. I reorganized my closet-as if it needed that-threw away crumbled up old sketches, dug out a new sketch book, made my bed, and even washed the windows.

And all that, only took about twenty minutes.

You know that familiar itch you get when you need another fix? Well, I was having that at the moment only it wasn't drugs I was craving rather it was a certain bronze haired green eyed boy.

God I was so pathetic.

It's been less than an hour since I left him and I already needed him.

I eyed my phone.

Don't.

But I need-

No.

I pouted as my fingers twitched anxiously.

I can do this. It's just one day, just one day.

I've been through longer…

And look how well that turned out

At the thirty minute mark, I hopped in the shower to wash the dye out. I didn't spend much time in the shower, just long enough to wash and condition my hair before hoping out and wrapping a fluffy towel around myself.

I blow dried my hair and smiled at the results. I really did love dyeing my hair all these colors. If it was something that I could pull off, it was that.

After drying up, I threw on a pair of sweatpants-sadly not Masens- and a black tee-which was Masen's. I tied it up at my hip before throwing my hair up into a messy bun and heading downstairs.

I was pleased to find that both Phil and my mom weren't downstairs anymore.

"Yay, you came back."

"And you changed hair colors."

I shrugged, "It was time for a change."

"I like this color," Rose dug her hands into my hair. "How is your hair so soft? That's like not possible."

I shrugged again and reached around her to grab a spoonful of cookie dough.

"Mmm."

"You'll get sick." Rose scolded as Jasper did the same exact thing as I did.

"We never have before-" Jasper and I stated before busting out laughing at our in sync responses.

"Fine, fine," Rose couldn't be mad, in fact she looked quite pleased. "Let's go started with this cookie business." There were enough bowls of cookie dough for us all to make a tray of our own plus there were more than enough Christmas shaped cookie cutters to go around.

I had several snowmen, stockings, snowflakes, and Christmas trees on my tray. Yet, this was the boring part of making cookies. It wasn't until we get to decorate said cookies that everything becomes fun.

It's always been that way, at least while we had still been a family.

Elle loved making cookies. The fact that she got to help and then decorate something that we would all eat had her bursting with happiness.

"Seriously, Jasper, how? Hooow?" Rosalie asked as we stared at our brothers oddly shaped cookies.

"The cutter slipped," he scowled. "Just you wait, my decorations will make these the best fucking cookies ever."

"No amount of sugar and icing could cover up that tragedy."

He threw flour at her.

I snorted.

"You did not-" her icy blue eyes were deadly. "All over my favorite shirt!"

"Oops? My hand slipped."

Rosalie grabbed a handful of flour and lobbed it at his face. Jasper was still for all of two seconds before he grabbed his bag and started to pelt her with more.

"Such children," I remarked.

"I know, right?"

"Think fast!" Jasper yelled before he pulled us into the flour fight.

I don't know how to describe how amazing it felt to get into a food fight with my siblings. It was weird and yet so great to be able to do something so carefree, so immature for the first time in what felt like forever.

My hands threw flour bomb after flour bomb at the three of them while I tried to dodge lobs that were flying in my direction. Eventually, Jasper-who was unsatisfied with the amount of flour I had on me-seized me around the waist and literally dumped what was left of his bag of flour on me.

"Waa," I laughed as it fell down over my eyes and landed on my shirt. I was suddenly glad I had two back up shirts of Masen's to change into later.

"You missed a spot," Rose said before dumping her own bag on Jasper's head. "There we go."

At the same time as she did this, Emmett decided to pour some on her head.

After all was said and done, and there were mountains of flour on the floor, we all were sitting on the floor laughing at each other. Rosalie even went as far as to take a couple pictures of all of us.

"That was so dumb of us."

"But so fun," I panted. "If only we had more."

"I mean, we can always run out to get more…" Jasper joked.

"No more flour fights, we have enough on us-on the floor-to last us quite a while."

"Like we'll use any of this again." I said as I shook my hair out.

"Five second rule?"

I snorted.

After putting the cookies in the oven, we all chipped in to clean up the mess we had caused on the kitchen floor before Grinch 1 and Grinch 2 happened to wander downstairs to see the mess and flip their shit.

While most of it manage to come off the floor, it didn't exactly come off of us as easily. No matter how many times we shook or jumped, we still managed to keep traces of it with us.

Showers were definitely much needed later.

When the counter and table had been wiped down, we placed our cookies on it with all the glorious decoration ingredients and got to work. I was of course in my element with the designing and decorating part of cookie making.

And If I do say so myself, I outshined my siblings.

At least all of our cookies were pretty tasty. I should know, I stole one from everyone's tray.

This time, no large food fights broke out. I did drift in and out of daydreams after a while but when I did this, Jasper would smudge something on my face or tug on my hair to bring me back to reality.

I was thankful because my thoughts hardly ever went to a good place.

After the cookies were decorated, we placed them on trays and then went to go watch a movie in the living room. There were several christmasy movies on but we decided to watch Jaws instead. Best Christmas movie ever if you ask me.

My day at home was surprisingly pleasant.

A big change of pace from what the last week had been for me.

If only it were like this all the time. The problems I had would go down to a minimum.

It was with that thought that I drifted into a day dream of a world where Rosalie and Jasper stayed.

In my dream, it was much different. I wasn't as fucked up as I was now. Sure, I'd still have issue but I felt like those issues might not have been so bad if I had felt like I had support.

It was a nice thought but I didn't let myself dwell on it too long.

At least they were here now, right?

Right.

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