A/N - This story - as the summary indicates - follows the plot of ME2, although with a distinct twist - it's Kaidan that goes for Joker in the beginning, and Kaidan that Cerberus rebuilds. Although I don't plan to rewrite ME2 from start to finish - it will follow the plot, but sometimes not exactly, and there may be stuff in the future that didn't ever happen until this fic, there will be plenty of times where I quote dialog from the game, sometimes verbatim, so I will state clearly that I own none of these characters, the ME2 plot, nor the dialog. They are all property of Bioware, to whom I am eternally grateful for giving me this incredible world to play in and write about~

For those of you who have read my fic Reflections (shameless plug) this will be quite a different experience. This fic is going to be dark, it's going to feature more-often-than-not angry or unhappy Shepard/Kaidan, and it's going to have wall-to-wall angst... However, in its favor, it will be 100%, from the beginning, Shenko, unlike ME2 The Original. In the end, I guess I had... issues... with ME2 I needed to work out. This fic is the result lol. I hope that is enough to keep you reading! If you like, please drop me a line and let me know! If you don't, I'd still love to hear from you~

This fic is rated M for - initially - strong language and - eventually - adult content. If that offends you or isn't appropriate for you, please look away :-) When we get to the um, good stuff, it will be clearly labeled so you can avoid it if you prefer~

One final word before I leave you to it - a huge thanks to StoneburntHeart for her encouragement and for beta-reading this for me!

It was a vast open room, dark except for the holo screens and the giant view of the dying star that dominated one end. The star's fiery orange-red glow provided the only light. Two people – a man and a woman – were the sole occupants of the room. They were the masterminds, the elite of an organization that had made its name and become an enemy to many along the way. They considered themselves humanity's last defense. Today, they would put the finishing touches on a plan that would raise their organization to the level of power they had worked years to achieve.

She spoke first, her crisp voice accented by the tones of Australia, "Shepard did everything right. More than they could have hoped for. Saving the Citadel – even saving the Council. She has gained the trust of the entire galaxy…"

"Her sacrifices have earned humanity the council's gratitude," he answered, in affirmation of her reports, "Shepard is who we need."

"But they're sending her to the Terminus Systems to chase down geth. She won't be easy to reach." She pointed out. "The council does not believe in our goals – they'd never listen to us. They'd never trust us." Then she sighed, it was irrelevant anyway. They had discarded appealing to the council in previous strategy sessions. "But Shepard, they'd follow her… She's a hero, a bloody icon."

"We will acquire Shepard," he informed her, taking a drag on his ever present cigarette and exhaling slowly. "Our plans are in place, the information has been leaked. See that you are ready to complete your part."

With that dismissal, she gave a crisp nod and walked out to begin her preparations.

~x~

Deep in Terminus space, life aboard the scout class frigate Normandy SR1 bustled with business as usual. They had been out here for four days, patrolling this sector, and no geth activity had yet to be detected. There was an air of frustration in the CIC as they dropped from FTL to continue their patrol and Navigator Charles Pressly couldn't help but voice it. He was too old for this, he thought, running around in the far reaches of the galaxy for what everyone on board knew was a wild goose chase.

"We're wasting our time. Four days searching up and down this sector and we haven't found any sign of geth activity," he grumbled while reviewing the datapad in his hand.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau turned to nod at him, then went back to his board. He knew Pressly was just frustrated, but still, "three ships went missing here in the past month - something happened to them."

"My money's on slavers," Pressly barked back, "the Terminus Systems are crawling with them."

Ensign Caroline Grenado interrupted their debate to inform them, "Picking up something on the long-range scanner. Unidentified vessel. Hmmm. Looks like a cruiser."

Joker checked the scanner himself and noted, "Doesn't match any known signatures."

Grenado announced, alarm beginning to enter her previously bored voice, "Cruiser is changing course. Now on intercept trajectory."

Pressly shook his head, sure that the still-green ensign was reading her diagnostics incorrectly, "Can't be. Stealth systems are engaged. There's no way a geth ship could possibly-"

His words were cut off as Joker, who had been double checking the diagnostics, exclaimed in alarm, "It's not the geth. Brace for evasive maneuvers." Joker worked furiously at the helm, trying to evade the monster ship he could see looming on the edge of scanners. The ship was closing fast. Despite his best efforts, the enemy ship's laser turret sliced out across the Normandy's hull, scoring a direct hit. He saw Pressly fall to his left as the XO was struck by an explosion from the damage. He shook his head and continued to coax everything he could from the now-limping Normandy. She was his ship; he would do his best to keep her safe.

In the next moment, the enemy struck again, another direct hit, and Ensign Grenado fell out of her chair with a groan, Joker continued to bark orders and status reports to a now-empty cockpit, working furiously against all odds, against hope. The Normandy was failing fast, but he refused to give up.

~x~

Down in Engineering, the damage to the Normandy was brutal, explosions and fires were rampant, and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko ran through the chaos, drawing on his helmet as he went, desperate to find Shepard. He knew where he would likely find her – at the control panel which would launch the distress beacon – and he leaped fires and dodged hanging wires to make his way to her. She was exactly where he expected, her helmet already in place, working at the panel. She had her back to him and he called to her to get her attention, not surprised to hear the panic in his own voice.

"Shepard!" he exclaimed, "Will the Alliance even get here in time?" He wondered at the futility of a distress beacon when it was clear that the Normandy was going down, fast.

"Someone has to retrieve the escape pods," she told him calmly. Just as he hadn't been surprised at the panic in his voice, the utter calm in hers was expected. Shepard was nothing if not cool in a crisis. Just another reason he admired her, respected her command. But right now, he thought, panic rising, she was the woman he loved, and he needed to get her on one of those escape pods she had mentioned.

"Shepard you need to get off the Normandy, now. She's going down." He grimaced a bit at hearing the situation from his own lips, but he knew she was aware of it as he.

"Negative, Lieutenant," she answered him now, as his commander, not the woman he had held, naked in their bed, just two hours before, "Joker is still in the cockpit, he refuses to abandon ship. I'm going to get him." She turned to make good on her words.

He grabbed her arm and swung her back to him, frantic to make her listen. "Shepard, you need to get to the escape pod. The crew needs you. I'll go for Joker." He offered the last, desperate to get her safe, to make her listen. He knew she was in full command mode, thinking of him as just her subordinate at the moment, making decisions based on fact, not emotion. He wished he had that ability right now, but he refused to see the woman he loved go down with her ship.

She stared at him, her eyes meeting his through the barriers of their visors, and she saw the things he wasn't saying to her in his gaze. She softened and tried another approach, "Kaidan," she broke off on a sigh, "you know it's what I have to do. You get the crew to the pods, I'll get Joker. We'll meet up on the surface."

He stared at her, desperate, hearing the appeal in her words but unable to comply. "No, Shepard, let me do this. Please," he said quietly, "I need to know you're safe. Please do this for me."

She stood, holding his eyes for another minute, searching them, then she finally nodded. "Alright, Kaidan, go get that stubborn ass pilot and get to an escape pod. ASAP." She bumped her helmet lightly against his in the closest contact they could manage, fully suited. "And stay safe, Lieutenant. That's an order!" She turned then and made her way towards the escape pods, barking out orders to the straggling crew along the way. Kaidan watched her go for a moment, breathing a sigh of relief. She would be safe.

~x~

Once Shepard was strapped in the last escape pod, having directed the remaining members of the crew to theirs and ensuring their release, she sat back with a sigh. The pod jerked, releasing from its tube, and jolted her in her harness. She brought her arms up to brace herself against the shoulder harness and wished she could settle her stomach as easily. 'I shouldn't have left him' was the thought that repeated in an endless cycle in her brain, 'I should have made him go.' Shepard was a woman of action, of command. She was used to giving orders and changing the world around her to suit her goals. Sitting here now, in the quiet of the pod, watching the shocked glares of the crew on board with her, listening to her brain tell her she had made the wrong choice and feeling her stomach sink with the prospect of losing the person that meant the most to her in this galaxy, she felt helpless. She was not a spiritual woman, she had never really understood Ashley's belief in a God – although she had respected the other woman and envied her faith – so she wasn't sure that anyone would hear her when she closed her eyes and began to quietly repeat, over and over, 'Please let him be ok.' It sounded like a prayer, even if she wasn't sure it would be answered.

~x~

As Kaidan made his way up the stairs and through the door to the ruined CIC, he could see the devastation around him. His heart sank, and he wondered if his mission was already failed. The CIC had lost atmosphere and gravity and he felt his mag boots kick in, holding him to the floor against the vacuum of space. He made slowly made his way to the cockpit, the utter silence and stillness around him roaring in his ears as loudly as the explosions and fires and screams below deck had before. It seemed to be the longest journey of his life, just those last few meters, but he could see Joker now -protected behind a thin kinetic barrier, helmet on, still safe – in the cockpit. His heart surged with renewed determination and he made his way to the man who he considered not just an outstanding member of the crew but a friend.

When he breached the barrier, he placed a hand on Joker's shoulder, getting the man's attention. He noted that Joker was still furiously working his boards, mumbling both orders and status reports, seemingly to himself. He looked up, surprised, when Kaidan touched him.

"Joker, come on," Kaidan spoke gently, "it's time to go."

Kaidan saw the panic and shock on the other man's face and noted the stubborn set to his jaw. "No! I won't abandon the Normandy!" Joker replied desperately, "I can still save her!"

Kaidan spoke sharper this time, his voice more commanding, "The Normandy's lost. Going down with the ship won't change that."

He saw the acceptance finally sink in and Joker nodded, "Yeah… ok. Help me up."

He grabbed the man's arm to yank him out of the cockpit, forgetting in the stress of the moment about the other man's brittle bones, and winced a bit when Joker yelped in pain.

They both saw it through the viewport, although it was only Joker who exclaimed, "They're coming around for another attack!" The monster enemy ship sliced through the remnants of the cockpit with its laser, and Kaidan just managed to toss Joker in the last escape pod and push the release before he was swept out, into open space. He didn't hear Joker's panicked cry of "Kaidan!" as the escape pod carried the pilot off.

Ok, Kaidan thought to himself, still in my hardsuit, maybe I can hold out until the Alliance rescue crews arrive. The next instant, he cursed himself for thinking too soon as he realized he was losing air, fast. He reached behind him, desperately trying to reach the leak, knowing that his efforts would be in vain. His last thought before he lost consciousness was of Shepard, glad that she had probably made it. At least one of them would live on. He surrendered to the now peaceful black around him.

~x~

She knew that the call was unlikely to go well. Her boss was not one to accept failure well, and although she knew this wasn't her fault, she was the messenger; she was likely to bear the brunt of his anger. Still, she had to do her duty, so once she was connected, she took a deep breath, steeled herself and forged ahead.

"Sir, the mission failed. The Normandy went down over Alchera, in the Omega System, as predicted, but Alliance chatter indicates that Shepard and her remaining crew were rescued shortly thereafter. There were only 22 casualties, only two of whom were officers." She gave her report in as succinct and calm a manner as she could manage and paused, waiting for the dressing down she expected. It didn't come.

"Which officers?" he inquired, his voice level and curious.

"Navigator Charles Pressly - the XO - and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko - the head of the marine detail." She read from the datapad in her hand.

"Ah," he said, sounding pleased now. "Her lover. Yes. It's not ideal, but we can work with that. We'll make it work," he seemed to be thinking aloud, almost forgetting that she was there. She saw his holographic form nod, once, seemingly coming to a decision, then he directed his attention back to her. "The Lazarus project will proceed. Have Lieutenant Alenko's body recovered and begin your work once it is."

If she had learned anything in the time she had worked with this man, it was to not question how his mind worked. He always seemed to have a plan, then another and another if the original plan failed. She didn't allow any surprise or doubt show in her manner as she replied, "Yes, sir," then disconnected so that she could follow his orders.