Not Enough

By Arianwen P.F. Everett

Regina sighed wearily before massaging the bridge of her nose to fight the tension headache that was threatening. "I'm not giving him another feeding! I tried it this morning; it didn't work. No matter how many times I humor you and hold him, I don't seem to be able to bond with him. Now sign the damn papers so we can get him home to his real mother who will give him all the love he deserves!"

Regina couldn't believe this was happening, although she shouldn't have been so surprised. It was the only possible outcome to her having carved out a tiny sliver of happiness for herself. Some part of her should have known something would eventually come along to destroy it utterly. The fact that that something had turned out to be a six pound two ounce baby boy was the only bizarre detail.

From the moment that insufferable fairy nurse had laid his slimy body on her chest, every look or movement the neonate made felt like an insult to her dignity. Regina had recognized the feeling immediately. It was the exact same rage she'd experienced with Snow in those early days at the palace before her farce of a wedding. But Snow hadn't been innocent. She'd selfishly broken her promise and gotten Regina's one chance at true happiness lost to her forever just so she could have a new step mother and be taken care. This baby's only crime had been its existence and the fact that through all the months he'd grown inside of her, he'd never given his birthmother the slightest hint he was there. Then eight hours before his emergence into the world, Regina had felt a sudden, sharp spasm and her soothing bathwater had started turning a pale red.

For a little over a day before that bath she'd experienced intermittent cramping, but the following hours of panic, despair, pain, and confusion had completely torn apart any sense of equanimity she'd gained during the past year and a half. She'd worked so hard to win back Henry's love, to build a healthy relationship with Jacob, to mourn her mother without giving into the temptation to wreak vengeance despite the fact that once again Snow White would be lauded by the people for her goodness and there would be no justice for her mother, just as there had been none for Daniel. She now realized it had been all for nothing.

Henry didn't understand her desire to give the baby up for adoption and had left the hospital a huff this afternoon after failing to convince her to keep it. She couldn't sleep without waking to a howling infant due to Jacob or one of the nurses wheeling his bassinette into the room while she slept in their twisted conspiracy to jumpstart her maternal instincts, and everybody in Storybrooke now knew of the baby, so whatever good will she'd earned after the whole Greg and Tamara affaire would be lost once the baby went to its true home and the town watched his father and brother mourn the loss.

They would all rally around Jacob and Henry, and Regina didn't begrudge them the community's support, but she knew the citizenry of Storybrooke would use the opportunity to make her the villain once more. Everything was coming undone again and the only means she had of stopping it would be to condemn that baby to be raised by a mother incapable of loving him or to abandon Henry and leave Storybrooke forever so that Jacob could raise the child by himself and never have to explain who she was when they passed on the street. Regina didn't have the heart to do either, so she'd just have to suck it up, give the baby to someone in the outside world who could love him as much as she loved Henry, and then return to town, bearing the scorn for true son's sake. That was the only realistic option open to her, so it would be the path she'd take.

"Regina, I can't sign those papers; I can't sign away our son and I can't understand how you could either!" Jacob begged, running a hand through his ash blonde hair in frustration.

"Jake, I know this is difficult for you, but you have to think about what's best for the baby! He needs a family that loves him!" Regina answered, refusing to budge but wanting him to understand what her father had taught her heart; when you love a child, the child comes first no matter how painful your life becomes because of it.

"He could have that with us, if you'd just give him the chance!" Jacob shot back, hurt pooling in his caramel eyes.

"You mean if I'd just give you the chance. I'm sorry, but there is no 'us', Jake. I care about you, you know that, but I told you from the beginning that we weren't one another's' happy ending. My true love is dead; he's gone forever. You haven't yet found your true love but I know she has to be out there, and it's because I care about you that I don't want you tied down to me. You don't belong to me, Jake. That baby was a biological accident, but none-the-less he deserves his chance to grow up and find his own happy ending. Our signing these papers will give him that chance," Regina tried to explain. While her heart had learned unconditional parental love from her father, it had also learned to speak up for itself and assert its own needs from Cora. Her parents, through their deeds if not their words, had taught her the true meaning of strength.

Jacob walked over to the bassinette and picked up his son, holding him lovingly to his heart. "I know you think what you're doing is right, but I just don't know if I can let him go. To me he's no accident; he's my son, and we're going for a walk to the nursery where I can get him a fresh bottle. I'm sure the one they gave you for his next feeding is already cold."

Regina sighed but nodded, watching Jacob leave the room with the baby. A part of her wanted to believe in Jake, to throw herself into this pretty fiction for his sake, but nobody would come out a winner there. She'd go through the motions and grow to hate Jake and the baby with each passing day. She knew how that story ended and she also knew there was a woman out there, like herself, who just wanted her son to come home. Regina would fight for her happy ending as well. She would bring that woman her son one way or another. Jake and Henry would just have to learn to live with it.