Disclaimer: I don't own anything!

Warnings: Character!Death. Teenage!Suicide. AU!

AN: Hello, everyone! This story was originally supposed to be another OneShot, but it turned out to be too long. That is why I have divided it in three parts (each about 4.500/5.000 words or 10 pages long), and I will post the following two parts quickly if all goes according to plan. I hope this little tale will be enjoyed even though it is sad and rather heartbreaking.

I want to thanks Greenlokifor all the help she has given me. Girl, you are amazing!

~ Not Good Enough ~

Part 1

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that Thor overslept. Every night before he goes to bed, he sets his alarm and every morning when it goes off, he nearly breaks the clock as he hits the snooze-button a dozen times too many. There used to be a time when his mother woke him, but ever since she took a job in the local hospital as a nurse three years ago, Thor had been responsible for getting up in time to get to school.

At first he had been told by his parents to look after his little brother as well, but not once did Thor have to wake Loki. It was always the other way around. Thor was two years older than his brother, but everyone knew Loki was the mature brother.

So when Thor hurries down the stairs on a sunny Thursday morning, he is not surprised to find Loki sitting at the table, the newspaper spread across the table, as he eats cereal.

"I'm late again, aren't I?" Thor sighs as he desperately tries to flatten his blond hair. He looks like a mess, but then again, when doesn't he? He would say he doesn't care about his looks, but he kinda does, certainly since he began dating Sif. But he likes the just-out-bed-look so he gives up and pours himself a glass of orange juice.

"You still have five minutes," Loki says, not once looking up from some article on oil pollution.

Thor walks to the window and gazes outside. There, on the sidewalk, stands Sif. She looks gorgeous as ever as, wearing a thin red sweater, a plain jeans-skirt and purple sneakers. Her dark brown hair is pulled into a neat ponytail, which rests over her right shoulder while her back bag hangs carelessly over her left one.

"No, I don't," Thor says to Loki even though he knows Loki isn't listening anymore. He drinks the juice before turning to his sixteen-year-old brother. "Have you seen Mom and Dad this morning, before they left for work?"

"Only briefly," Loki replies as he turns a page of the newspaper, "they told me to tell you again that you have to behave in your History class. They would be disappointed if you fail a class in your last year."

"I won't fail," Thor says, "and I'll do my best."

He absolutely hates History class. It is boring and the most wasted hour of his school day. It doesn't really matter anymore, though. Just twelve more weeks and he graduates from High School. A part of him feels guilty that he's leaving Loki behind in that god awful place, but another part is desperate to move on with his life. He can't wait to begin his first semester at the University of New York.

"Well, I'm leaving for school," he says, grabbing his backpack from the corner of the kitchen and slinging it over his shoulder. "Are you coming?"

There is a short pause. "No," Loki answers. For the first time this morning he looks up and Thor can't help but notice how Loki looks pale. It's not unusual. He always looks like a ghost, especially with his bright green eyes and shoulder length black hair. "I still need to collect my books from my room. You go ahead with Sif."

Thor frowns. He can't help but think that this is the first time Loki has come up with an absolutely terrible idea for not walking with him to school. He's usually much more creative, though this definitely isn't the first time Loki doesn't want to walk with Thor and Sif.

"Are you sure?" He asks, eying his younger brother closely, "I don't mind waiting and Sif wouldn't mind either."

Loki closes the newspaper and places his empty bowl in the sink. "I'm sure, Thor," he says with a faint smile, "now go before Sif grows impatient. You know she gets annoying when she's left to wait. It would spoil your entire day."

"True," Thor laughs, "very true." He turns around and heads for the front door when Loki calls his name. He waits until Loki says more.

"You love Sif, don't you?" Loki asks softly.

It's such a peculiar question that it takes Thor off guard. "I do," he answers after a few moment of silence, "she is my girlfriend for a reason, you know." He chuckles uncomfortable because it's too early in the morning for these types of conversations. "Why do you ask?"

"And what about me?" Loki asks, ignoring Thor's question. He is leaning against the counter, his hands steadying him as he grips the edge of the marble tightly. The skin of his knuckles has turned completely white, but Thor fails to notice this. "Do you love me?"

This time, Thor doesn't wait to answer. He knows how sensitive Loki gets about these things. "Of course I do. You're my little brother and I will always love you."

Loki nods, his raven hair falling before his face. "Then don't forget I love you, too."

Thor never takes his eyes away from him. He feels he should say something, but Loki is first. "Now go," Loki says, revealing a radiant smile when he pushes his hair out of his face, "Sif is waiting for you and besides, if I don't hurry up to fetch my books, I'll be late for school myself."

"Are you sure you don't want to walk to school with us?"

"Absolutely."

Thor wishes he had waited.

~ 0 ~

"Thor Odinson, will there ever be a Thursday where you'll actually pay attention to what I am saying?"

Thor quickly straightens his back and turns to look to the front of the class. He can faintly hear Sif's giggle, but he ignores her. "I'm sorry, Mr. Coulson," he says, actually meaning it, "it won't happen again."

"That is what you say every time," Mr. Coulson says, rolling his eyes in the process. He turns back to his blackboard and continues to complete the timeline of World War Two. He starts to talk about Nazis and the camps, but Thor loses interest again and he gazes over his shoulder. Sif winks at him and he feels himself grow slightly red in the face.

"Pay attention, Thor," Sif whispers harshly, "we actually need to pass this class if we want to graduate."

"Do we have to?" Thor asks jokingly.

"Yes," Sif replies sternly though a grin spreads across her round, kind face, "now turn to face forward before you get me in trouble."

"Thor!"

Thor cringes. Slowly he turns to look at Mr. Coulson, barely daring to meet his gaze. He can see he is working on the teacher's nerves.

"Can you repeat what I just said?" Mr. Coulson asks.

Thor shakes his head. "I can't. I'm sorry."

"Honestly, Thor," Mr. Coulson says angrily, "what am I supposed to do with you? Must I send you to Principal Fury?"

"No, that's not necessary," Thor replies quickly. The last thing he wants is to tell his parents that he got sent to Fury again. They would be very disappointed. He can't help but think about his conversation with Loki this morning. "I swear, Sir, I'll pay attention and-"

There are two knocks on the door and every head turns to the front of the class instead of looking at Thor. The door opens without permission of Coulson which surprises everyone, but it quickly makes sense when Fury enters. His one brown eye scans the room and finally lands on Thor who swallows heavily. He can't believe he will actually have to talk to Fury. Was that man psychic or something? Had he heard Coulson's threat from the hall and decided to speak to Thor anyway?

"Ah, Thor," Fury says solemnly, "could you step outside for a moment? Mr. Coulson, could you join us?"

Thor watched Coulson nod and then does the same. He can feel the gazes of his fellow classmates land on him again and they are all thinking the same: he is in trouble. Thor can't believe that this day will be his day. It's only ten in the morning and already he wants the day to be over.

He stands and walks to the front of the class, following Coulson and Fury outside to the hall. He desperately tries to think of something to say because he assumes an apology won't be enough to keep him out of detention this time. In truth, he thinks it unfair that Fury will chastise him for his behavior when Coulson never technically called him in. Couldn't he call on immunity or something?

He stops dead in his tracks when he notices his mother stands in the hall. She looks exhausted and has red circles underneath her eyes. Thor feels confused, though he no longer thinks Fury wants to scold him or something.

"Mom?" He asks carefully. He can't think of a reason why his mother would be here.

Frigga walks up to him and without warning, she embraces him tightly. Thor doesn't know why, but he returns her hug. Perhaps it's just instinct that he wants to comfort his mother even though he doesn't know what's wrong. Yet there is a small voice in the back of his head that knows the answer, but he refuses – he refuses! – to listen to it.

"Oh, honey, I am so sorry," Frigga sobs. She lets go of her son and inhales deeply to steady herself. She places a hand over her chest and Thor thinks her heart must be racing. He wants to scream and shout even without knowing what was happening. Why didn't they just tell him? Why were they torturing him?

"Mom, tell me what is wrong?"

Frigga closes her eyes for a moment. "It's your brother, Thor," she says eventually, her voice shaking, "it's your little brother."

"Loki?" Thor pushes that little voice in the back of his head even further down. He won't listen to it because it is lying and he doesn't want to shock himself. Oh, how ridiculous he would feel then. Besides, his mother has always been so very sensitive. She cries because of the littlest of thing. "What about Loki, mother? He is here, isn't he? He's in class. He has Spanish now."

"No," Frigga says. Tears form in the corners of her eyes, but they do not role down. "No, sweetie, Loki never came to school today."

Thor says nothing. He watches his mother and he hopes she's speaking in a foreign language because he can't understand her. Nothing she says is making sense. If Loki never came to school, then where was he? Had he been in accident? Had he done something so very stupid? Thor couldn't imagine so. Loki was always such a careful kid.

"Thor," Frigga says much too quietly, "your brother is dead."

Moments pass. They must have because Thor feels frozen in place and he doesn't know whether it's still morning or evening. He feels his surroundings fade from around him and he hears the voices drown away. He isn't aware that Fury is talking to him. He doesn't understand him either and he feels so dumb. So stupid. Moronic. Idiotic. Loki could probably give more fanciful names since he has the largest vocabulary of the family. He's always reading, that kid.

Thor sighs. He doesn't know what he's doing or thinking. He's really not in control of himself. He should just pull himself together and ask again what's going on because he probably misunderstood the whole thing. Loki can't be dead. He just saw him this morning and he was fine.

He was fine.

Only he wasn't. Loki is never fine. He puts up a good show, that's all.

"Say something," Frigga says as she takes his hand into her own, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Thor looks down at their connected hands, but he feels nothing. "I don't… Mom," he says quietly, "I don't understand you, Mom." He doesn't start to cry and he doesn't break down, but nothing makes sense anymore. "I saw Loki just a few hours ago and we talked and he…" Darkness clouds his mind and he knows he shouldn't pay attention to it, but he can't not see everything more clearly now. "Oh god, he killed himself, didn't he?"

Frigga shivers, but Thor goes on, "I should have known. I shouldn't have left him. He acted so strangely this morning with his odd questions. I shouldn't have left him!"

Frigga squeezed his hand tightly to the point it hurts. "You listen to me, Thor," she says sternly while tears keep rolling down her puffy red cheeks, "none of this is your fault, do you understand? Loki called me after you'd left and he did sound…so strange, but we could not have known. I went home as quickly as I could, but it was too late, Thor, and I found him in his room and I tried my best to resuscitate him, but I couldn't, and…" Frigga breaks into sobs, no longer able to speak.

Thor puts his arms around his mother's thin form. "Oh god," he whispers as he pulls her even closer, "oh god."

"Thor?" Fury asks. Never before has Thor heard the Director's voice like this. Never before has he appeared so kind and friendly. Compassionate. Thor doesn't care. "Thor, why don't you take your stuff from the classroom? Then you can go home with your mother."

Thor reluctantly lets go of Frigga and turns around. He barely understands what is expected of him so he is grateful when he feels Coulson's hand on his shoulder, guiding him towards the classroom. He thinks of the odd stares his friends will throw him and he barely dares to face them. He sucks in a deep breath and forces himself to act normal.

But what is normal? He doesn't remember.

He is glad he's not crying.

That thought disgusts him.

He enters the classroom and as expected, everyone turns to him, a million questions written in their eyes. Thor keeps his head down until he's at his desk and then starts to collect his stuff. You can hear a pin drop. Sif leans forward and places a warm hand on his arm.

"Thor? What's wrong?" She asks.

Thor leans towards her and plants a kiss on her lips. He knows she will be devastated by the news as well. She likes Loki, though she would never admit it to anyone. "It's Loki," he tells her, his voice barely louder than a whisper, "he's dead."

Sif is shocked and her brown eyes widen. Thor cannot stand to see the pain in her eyes right now. He cannot deal with that and with all the rest he is feeling. He doesn't even know what he's feeling. He wishes he could close his eyes and wake from this nightmare, but he isn't childish enough to think his wish would come true.

Thor walks out of the classroom to find his mother speaking to Fury. "Thank you, Director Fury," she says, "your kindness means a lot."

"If there is anything we can do," he replies, "tell me."

Taking a hold of his mother's hand, he begins to walk away. He feels so small walking besides her – hand in hand – even though he is much taller than her, but he likes to feel small. He likes to feel like a three-year-old because a three-year-old is always easily comforted by his mother, isn't he? A touch is enough to make the pain go away.

But Thor isn't a three-year-old and the pain slowly makes its way to his heart, carving and cutting into it until the wounds become so large Thor doubts they'll ever heal. And even if they do, he'll have scars forever.

Scars that write out Loki's name.

~ 0 ~

"Loki?"

There is loud music playing which tells Thor his brother is definitely awake, but it has been two days since he has actually seen his little brother. Loki hasn't left his bedroom at all and Thor is very worried – so are their parents – but it appears as though there is nothing that can draw Loki out of his bedroom. You would think he's hungry by now, but apparently that's not the case.

"Loki, open the door, please," Thor pleads for the umpteenth time. He hears the music soften, but otherwise he hears no movement. Thor thinks he cannot give up because he needs to tell Loki that he's here for him, but Loki hasn't even let Frigga into his room and she is usually the first one he turns to whenever he feels troubled. Beginning to feel annoyed, Thor hardens his voice when he speaks again. "Loki, I demand you open the door!"

"Go away!"

Loki's voice sounds thick and heavy which tells Thor he's been crying for a while now. A dreadful thought invades his mind: what if Loki has been crying for two days already? He quickly pushes that idea away because it's no use.

"I won't go away," Thor replies angrily. He sucks in a deep breath and steadies himself. Getting angry won't be any use either. "Come on, Loki, don't lock yourself away. Do you think Sigyn would want this?"

That might have been a bad idea, but at least the lock turns and the door swings open. Thor – startled – takes a step back and lets his eyes fall on the thin form of his brother. Loki has always been rather small, but he is unique to say the least. Thor has always been jealous of Loki's bright green eyes and raven hair. Then again, who isn't secretly jealous of their sibling?

However, Loki's eyes stand extremely dull now and his skin has an unhealthy, grayish color.

"Don't talk to me about her!" He shouts. "You didn't know her, Thor."

Thor waits three seconds before replying to prevent himself from saying something he would regret later on. "You're right," he says eventually. He is shocked to see the pain in his little brother's eyes and he wishes he could erase it all. He wishes he had a magic button that could make everything okay again. "I didn't know her. She was your friend and you lost her."

"How pretty you say it," Loki spits, "I lost her. She died, Thor. Dead!"

"Loki…" Thor sighs heavily and for a moment he thinks he should hug him, but somehow that seems like a bad idea. He and Loki have always been close, but there isn't one time Thor can remember ever hugging him. "I really am sorry."

Loki lets out a sob and new tears role down his still wet cheeks. "It's just not fair," he says weakly, "nothing is fair and I hate it. I hate it all!"

"Which is understandable," Thor says, not knowing what else he can say. He just knows he needs to keep Loki talking because it would be better than him locked away in his room with nothing but his own thoughts and emotions. "What happened to Sigyn was terrible. I still can't believe she's gone."

"I hope that driver rots in hell," Loki says coldly. He turns his gaze down and shudders. "I wish she was still alive, Thor, I wish she had never had that car-accident. I just… wish I had my friend back."

Thor places a hand on Loki's shoulder and squeezes it. He's surprised Loki doesn't shout at him, telling him not to touch him. Instead, Loki leans into Thor's touch which helps Thor make up his mind. Impulsively he pulls Loki forward into a hug. Again he expects Loki to react violently, but he doesn't. He simply drops his head on Thor's shoulder and cries.

"I'm here for you, Loki," Thor tells him, "I'm always here for you."

There is a short silence before Loki replies, "I know."

~ 0 ~

There are two short knocks on Thor's bedroom door, calling him out of his memories. He stands from the side of his bed where he might have been sitting for a minute, fifteen minutes or maybe even an hour. He lost track of times and he doesn't even care. He does hope he looks at least partially decent, though what does it matter? He expects Sif to walk through the door, her face speaking of nothing but sadness, but he is greatly mistaken.

Instead, he finds himself looking at Victor Von Doom.

"Oh," he says, needing a moment to rearrange his thoughts. All the processes in his mind go so slowly like everything is covered with a thick layer of fog. He doesn't know if that will ever go away. "Hey, Victor, come in."

"Your mother said it was all right for me to come up here," Victor says solemnly. There isn't much left of his usually smooth and confident appearance and Thor knows why. "I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for you loss."

"It's not just my loss," Thor replies with a sigh, "Loki was your friend."

Victor nods and for the first time Thor can see there is more to the young man standing before him. Victor is a year older than Thor and he speaks with a heavy accent since he's from some European country. Thor can't even remember which country and he feels like such a terrible person because Victor is – was – Loki's best friend. Shouldn't Thor have ever expressed more interest in Loki's friends? Wouldn't that have made him a better brother?

It's strange to think Victor has lost two of his closest friends in the course of two years. First Sigyn had that awful car accident and now Loki… Thor sucks in a deep breath to steady himself.

"I still can't believe what has happened," Victor says quietly. He exhales sharply and stares at the floor for a moment, clearly not knowing what to say or do exactly. "I just don't understand and I can't… I can't wrap my head around it."

"No one can."

"I know Loki had…troubles," Victor says, "and I really tried to be there for him, but it was so hard, you know?"

Thor can only agree. "Yeah," he breathes, "it was never easy."

There is a moment of silence.

"If there is ever anything I can do…" Victor begins, but he trails off, never finishing the sentence. He doesn't have to because Thor knows exactly what he wants to tell him. "Anyway, I should get going. I'm sure you'd rather be alone with your family."

"Thank you," Thor says. He doesn't want to let Victor go without expressing some form of gratitude. After all, he was so important to his brother. "Loki was always so very fond of you. He often spoke about you and I just… I wanted to thank you for being his friend."

Victor offers him a gentle smile, but Thor can't bear to return it. A second passes before Victor turns, planning to leave Thor's room. It's there when the millions of questions rush into Thor's head and he can't bear it. He feels like he's drowning because he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything.

"Victor," Thor says. He waits until Victor faces him again. "Did he ever-" Tears come to his eyes, but Thor refuses to let them run down freely. He swallows back a sob and steadies himself. He inhales deeply, but his heart is still trying to leap from his chest. "Did Loki ever tell he planned do to this? Did he ever say anything that made you… wonder?"

Victor shakes his head and he almost looks torn about it. "No," he answers, "no, when I got the call from your mother I was completely shocked."

"The thing is…" Thor really doesn't know why he's telling Victor this. Shouldn't he talk to his mother about this? To Sif? She was his girlfriend after all and he loved her with all his heart. He knew he could trust and she would listen. So why was he was talking to Victor about it? "The thing is I should have known."

Victor frowns. "I don't understand."

Thor cannot hold back his tears anymore and he feels so incredibly stupid. The truth is that he never really liked Victor. He's arrogant and reckless and Thor never understood why Loki could be such close friends with him. But now there he sat on the edge of his bed, crying and confiding in him.

"He said such strange things this morning," Thor says. He drops his gaze to his hands lying uselessly in his lap. "He asked me if I loved him and I said I would always love him because he's my brother and he…then he told me he loved me, too."

"You couldn't have known," Victor says.

"Loki never said things like that," Thor sighs, still not looking up, "I should have known with everything he's been through, with everything he's been struggling with. I should have known."

"Thor," Victor says. He remains silent until Thor finally looks up to meet his slightly stern gaze. "Don't do this, Thor, because I know this is the last thing Loki would have wanted. Don't blame yourself for what happened because that is exactly what Loki did. He always blamed himself for everything that wasn't his fault, didn't he? And now look where he's…" Victor stops himself when he realizes his voice began to shake.

"I know," Thor replies softly, "I know. I could never figure out what Loki was thinking or more importantly, why he was thinking it all."

There are footsteps drawing closer and a moment later, Thor's door opens wide. Sif walks in and she's momentarily taken off guard to find Victor standing before her.

"I'll leave you two," Victor says politely. He's regained his composure and Thor doesn't know how he does it. One moment he looks about to break into a thousand pieces and now he has an ever so faint smile on his lips. Thor knows it's all a façade, though. This is what Victor has always been good at. Just like Loki. "I'll see you around, Thor."

"Thank you for coming by," Thor replies.

Victor disappears from his room and Thor's eyes fall on Sif's thin figure. She looks heartbroken and she's clearly been crying. That surprises Thor because even though Sif is his girlfriend, she never spent much time with Loki. Now she has red circles around her eyes and her skin looks pale.

"I came as soon as classes ended," she tells him as she goes to sit beside him. She takes his hands into her own. "Everyone so shaken by…what happened. They all send their love. Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun promised to come by tomorrow, but they wanted to give you and your family some time." Thor knows Sif rambles when she feels sad or uncomfortable. "All the teachers are shocked, too. I think Ms. Hill was about to burst in tears when she found out what happened and she's usually such a cold person."

"You can say it out loud, Sif," Thor says and he's surprised by the sharpness in his own voice, "Loki is dead. He killed himself."

Sif squeezes his hand. "I know," she sighs, "I know and I am so sorry, Thor."

"Just…" Thor pulls her closer and he breathes in her familiar scent. "Just sit with me, please."

"Of course."

Thor is glad there is silence again because he feels he cannot handle noise. He feels his head is about to burst and his heart is about to break into tiny pieces he'll never be able to put together again. He's afraid to break down because what if he can never recover? What if he remains stuck in an eternal personal hell?

He thinks this is exactly what Loki has been living in for so long.

He cries and he doesn't care that his heart is starting to crumble.

Because his brother is dead and he's all alone.

No matter who is with him, he still remains completely and irrevocably alone.