My third Criminal Minds fic. Same author's notes as my last one: I don't watch Criminal Minds as much as most of you probably do so it's quite possible the characters will be out of character. Also, English isn't my mother tongue so I'm sorry if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes. The first quote applies to the first half, the last quote to the second half.
Also, this is just an one-shot.

Enjoy!

''I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.'' Friedrich Nietzsche

He listened to the sound of his footsteps; trying not to focus on how worried he was, as he took the short walk down the hall to her small office. Derek had just gotten back from one of the many cases and he had immediately rushed back to the bureau to see her. They had been gone for a week, a little longer than usual, but that wasn't why he was worried.

Penelope had sounded fine the first day, over the phone, nothing to be alarmed about. She had sounded fine the second day as well, the third day too. But the fourth day... before she had even spoken a word he had sensed something was very wrong.

He could hear the tears she was holding back, the pain evident in her voice when she finally said ''hello''. Just the fact that she had said 'hello' instead of one of her more playful greetings, that had been enough to make him panic. The rest of the phone call had been the same, no playful banter, not even a little bit of flirting. She had answered all of his questions and then hung up.

He had asked her multiple times what was wrong but she never answered.

He came to a halt in front of the wooden door, lightly knocking on it twice. It took a few seconds before he heard the faint 'come in'. He slowly opened the door, a little afraid of what he might see next. The first thing he noticed was the way she was dressed, one of her many colorful creations, just not as sexy as usual: blue turtleneck with a pink jacket, a skirt that was longer than usual and she was wearing green Mary-Jane heels with a pink bow on each side. It would look crazy on any other person, but her...

He knew she'd been crying when he saw her face, and not just because of the mascara stains and the red eyes, it was more of a feeling. All he knew was that it broke his heart within barely a second. He swallowed hard and immediately rushed over to her.

She just looked at him and scooted her chair back, away from him. ''Hi,'' she greeted as he stopped in front of her, knowing by her reaction that he probably shouldn't get too close. ''What're you doing here?'' She asked him.

He looked a little confused, ''what am I doing here? I'm worried about you! Why won't you tell me what's wrong?'' He asked. He had sounded a little angry when he started talking, but the sadness that seemed to fill the room had an effect on him. By the time he had come to his last sentence he felt like crying.

''Nothing is wrong,'' she said plainly, keeping up her best poker face. She bit down on her lip, 'great, lie to a profiler, that'll work', she told herself. She saw the look on his face. She wanted to tell him the truth; she needed to tell him the truth. For her own sake, for his... for the sake of their friendship. But she couldn't... it was that simple. He couldn't handle the truth, he could handle everything else, but that... No!

'You can't tell him', she told herself. 'It will only hurt him.'

A hurt look crossed his face as he kept his eyes on here, ''why're you lying to me?'' He asked.
''I'm not,'' and that was another lie. She took a deep breath, she usually never lied to him, but she had to now.

His eyes were glued on her, taking in every move she made, the way she breathed. She looked down at her hands when she saw that he wasn't as much mad, because she wouldn't tell him, as he was hurt, because she didn't trust him.

He turned around and took a step towards the door, ''wait!'' He turned around when her voice pierced through the silence.
''What?'' He asked, ready for more lies.
She looked at him for a second, ''I- ehm, broke up with Kevin,'' she told him.

He felt his heart take a little jump of joy but kept a straight face, she didn't have to know how happy he was about this. ''Oh,'' was all he managed to get out.
She frowned slightly, confused by his reaction - or perhaps, the lack of reaction. ''And that's why I've been... off, these past few days,'' she said, her eyebrows slightly raised as she kept her gaze on him.

He could tell that wasn't all, in fact he felt that there was much, much more to the story. But he didn't have to think about that right now. She had opened up a little bit to him, she'd tell him more later. This was enough for now and he didn't want to pry when she obviously didn't want to say anything.

Penelope saw he was satisfied with the answer and turned back to her babies. He opened the door a little bit and turned back to her, ''I'm sorry,'' he said quietly, just loud enough for her to hear.
He saw her freeze, not moving, or even breathing, for a few seconds. A frown crossed his face, ''Penelope?'' He asked, trying to get her attention.

She seemed to snap out of it and turned her attention back to him, ''yeah?'' She asked, an upset look of her face.
''Are you okay?'' He asked, a little startled by her reaction to the two small words.
''Fine,'' she kept her gaze on him as yet another lie escaped her mouth.

He nodded slightly, deciding not to press the matter, ''I'm sorry about you and Kevin,'' he repeated before he walked out the door. He had gotten more questions than answers and his confusion had tripled, at the least.

Penelope watched the door close and let out a breath she didn't know she was keeping inside. She fooled him at least a little bit, and she was glad that he hadn't asked why she had broken up with the other tech analyst. ''If only he knew...'' she said quietly as she turned back to the monitor with tears running down her cheeks.

She heard the door close behind her and looked around at the small, yet very pretty, apartment with a sigh. ''Now don't tell me you didn't enjoy that,'' she heard Kevin say, followed by a chuckle. Her gaze landed on the couch, that couch... She shook her head; she wasn't going to think about this. She turned to walk to the small kitchen and saw the broken coffee mug lie on the floor. There were a few blood spatters on the wall and on the floor.

It may not look too bad compared to one of the many crime scenes the team crossed more often than they'd like. But Penelope saw so much more: she saw the kitchen were the argument began. She saw the coffee mug he had tried to smash in her face, blind with rage. She saw the blood spatters that had landed there because of the blood in her mouth from him punching her. She saw the couch where earlier that night they had talked, she saw the couch on which he had...

''You don't have to get so jealous,'' she told him as she stood up from the couch, her mug in her hand.

''Jealous? You're spending every moment you can with him. You flirt with him all the time, you call him 'hot stuff' for God's sake! I'm just asking you to tone it down a bit, is that too much to ask?'' He yelled at her and she turned away from him.

''I can't talk to you when you're like this,'' was all she said. She knew that arguing with him wasn't a good idea; she had seen him in enough bad moods to know it was best for one of them to leave. And now that he had drank a few glasses of wine...

''You can't talk to me when I'm like this?'' He repeated her in a mocking tone of voice. ''I've dealt with all the flirting for years and now... I'm sick of it!"

''Kevin, I...'' she began.
''Why isn't my love enough for you?'' He asked her, sounding desperate.
''Look, Kevin, I love you. But...''

''But?'' He shouted, he couldn't believe there was a 'but' to that sentence. They both stood there facing each other for a few seconds, ''you love him more than you love me, don't you?'' He said, his voice breaking slightly. He sounded like a little kid. Kevin just couldn't believe this was happening yet again...

Penelope didn't know what to say. Did she love Derek more than Kevin? For a second she thought about this. Though she didn't want to admit it, there was no denying it: she loved Derek a couple of hundred times more than she loved Kevin. She knew she had settled for Kevin, it had been a decision she had only made because she couldn't have the love of her life.

Kevin tried to keep hope in his heart that she would prove she loved him, Kevin, more. But when he saw her face he knew he had lost.

He took a deep breath, he didn't want to cry in front of her. If he was going to go down, he was going like a man. Not like a sad, pathetic little girl bawling her eyes out. He felt so much pain radiating through his body, he couldn't think clearly anymore. His hands turned into fists and he dug his nails into his hands.

She closed her eyes when he grabbed her hair and pushed her back against the wall. She fell onto the floor instead and was started by his sudden reaction. He had been so calm for a few seconds. 'Calm before the storm, I guess', she thought. She blinked a few times trying to get the black spots on her vision to disappear. She stood back up and when she could finally see him again he was coming at her, a mug in his hand. She dug away just in time and heard the mug smash against the wall.

''What the...'' she began, her voice higher than usual due to the shock.

She could see tears glisten in his eyes as he grabbed her arms and pushed her against the wall before he leaned down and kissed her. For a second she could feel the love they once had, years ago when they had just started dating. Before she could take notice of what was happening she kissed him back, only to break away after a few seconds.

''I can't do this,'' she whispered and tried to step away from him. She was breaking up but still she felt hurt. She rubbed her left arm a little bit; it hurt from where Kevin had grabbed it.

She felt his fist connect with the side of her face again and blood filled her mouth. She turned away from him and he shoved her into the wall, she could feel some blood escape her mouth and get on the wall, leaving a couple of small stains. She choked on the warm liquid in her mouth and started to cough into her hand.

When she looked back up she saw him looking at her with anger, her hand dropped to her side. Some drops of blood dropped on the floor, but she didn't care.

She looked back down at her feet and took a few steps towards the couch; al she knew was that she had to get away from him. She was very vulnerable right now and she knew that he would take advantage of that. She didn't want to believe that he would, but she did. She gasped when she could feel his hands against her back, shoving her to the floor.

She moaned in pain as the side of her head hit something on the floor and she landed face down. Though she hated to admit it to herself; she had gotten used to these tempers. She had been through this more than once, but this was getting a bit out of control.

''Kevin,'' she tried to say it in a calming voice but that didn't have any effect on him. She tried to stand back up and when she looked over at him she felt fear fill her. She was only half back on her feet when she started crawling away from him. ''Kevin, you need to calm down. Now!'' She said, trying to get him to pay attention to what she was saying. All she could tell was that he was already off in his little world, to angry to pay attention to what she was saying.

''Kevin, you-'' she was cut off when he pushed her back down on the floor and she felt his foot kicking her in the stomach. She screamed out in pain as he kicked a few more time. She squeezed her eyes shut when he grabbed the front of her shirt and pushed her onto the couch. She was confused by this for a second. She opened her eyes and sat up, trying to sit as still as possible, trying not to make any sudden moves as if he were a wild animal or something.

He took a step towards her, his eyes glued on her. She closed her eyes again and turned her head away. 'No way that I'm going to kiss him again', was all she thought.

''I'm sorry,'' was the last thing he said before she could feel him yank at the hem of her shirt. Her eyes flew open...

Penelope rubbed her eyes. She didn't want to think about it anymore, she didn't want to hear him whisper in her ear when she tried to sleep. She didn't want to feel his hands on her when somebody else tried to comfort her, despite the fact that they didn't know what had happened. She shook her head and rushed over to her bedroom, stood still for a second and then turned on her heel to head to the bathroom. She got undressed as fast as she could and stepped into the shower.

She had to wash all of his touches off, wash away all of the evidence. Maybe that would make it all go away. She felt the hot water hit her skin and she closed her eyes, only to have another flashback pop up:

She felt him push himself off of her but kept her eyes close. She couldn't look at him. The only sounds heard where her soft whimpers and the sound of him zipping up his fly. She could feel him in leaning in and he kissed her cheek, ''now don't tell me you didn't enjoy that.''

''I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?'' Laurie Halse Anderson

Please review! I'm extremely thankful for any and all feedback!