The camera focuses on a big house. It zooms in at the front of the house. Standing at the door is a cranky old man with his arms crossed, scowling at the camera. "Ugh, we've started? Greeeat." The man muttered. "So as you may know, that other dumbass got arrested at the end of the fourth season because he turned the island into a biohazardous toxic waste dump. My guess is with his unbearable body odor. So I'm your new host, Walter. ...Look, I don't even wanna be here. I'm only doing this because my wife told me I needed a job. And to be perfectly honest with you, I don't want to get eaten today. So...ugh...time to introduce the contestants, all of which are sadly teenagers..." And sure enough, the first limo was approaching. "Well, at least it's one of the few contestants who has any damn respect. It's Brick, everybody."
"Private Brick McArthur reporting for duty sir!" Brick saluted as he stepped onto the sidewalk.
"Yeah, sure, whatever." Walter muttered. "Just go stand over there and don't bug me."
"Affirmative!" Brick said before going to the front of the house.
"Okay, now for the next contestant...oh God she's emo... It's Gwen, people."
"[Sigh] Let's get this season over with..." Gwen muttered.
"Thankfully your punk ass boyfriend isn't here for this season." Walter muttered.
"Actually, Duncan and I broke up." Gwen pointed out.
"Oh really? Why'd you do that?" Walter asked.
"It just...wasn't working out. He kept picking on innocent bystanders and wouldn't listen when I tried to stop him." Gwen replied.
"Well, good on ya for getting rid of that slimeball!" Walter nodded approvingly.
"YEAH, I DON'T KNOW A SINGLE TOTAL DRAMA FAN THAT ACTUALLY LIKED THAT BULLCRAP!" A voice shouted off in the distance. Gwen and Walter stared at the water in confusion.
"Gwen, go stand next to Brick." Walter said flatly.
"Riiiiight." Gwen complied.
"Hello there, fellow camper!" Brick smiled.
"Hey." Gwen waved.
"Oh boy, I may have to get my wife to deal with this next one at some point... It's Courtney, everybody." Walter muttered.
"Uh-oh." Gwen's eyes widened in nervousness.
"I'm gonna win the million this time." Courtney said confidently.
"Or what? You'll sue us?" Walter said in annoyance.
"No! I don't do that as frequently!" Courtney retorted.
"Yeah, whatever. Just go stand quietly over there." Walter muttered.
"Of course." Courtney replied. She stood next to Brick and Gwen. She turned to the goth and scowled.
"Gwen." She muttered. Gwen looked down sadly.
"Duncan and I broke up." She said hopefully.
"And that changes the fact that you did that to me?" Courtney said with a scowl.
"I'm sorry!" Gwen said.
"Sorry doesn't cut it!" Courtney snapped.
"Hey you two! Shut the hell up!" Walter snapped. Courtney shot Gwen another glare. "Thank you! Anyway, next up we have Zoey. Yaaaay."
"It's good to be back!" Zoey said cheerfully as she stepped onto the dock.
"Really? After all the crap you were put through with Douchey McAsshat?" Walter asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Okay, so the challenges were rough. But I made some good friends!" Zoey replied.
"Pfft. Whatever. Just go join the other contestants." Walter muttered.
"Hey, Brick!" Zoey waved.
"Good to see you again, Zoey!" Brick smiled.
"Hey, didn't I see you during that one challenge before I got thrown away by that...thing?" Gwen asked.
"You mean Dakota?" Zoey replied. "Yeah, sorry about that. Nice to officially meet you, Gwen. I was rooting for you back in the old seasons."
"Really? Thanks." Gwen smiled.
"Okay, ladies, enough with the tea party." Walter said in annoyance. "Next up are Bridgette and Geoff. And I swear, if you two are making out when you get out of the limo I will put prune juice in all of your meals."
"Uh...no need for that, dude!" Geoff said, his hands raised. "We weren't making out, right Bridgey Bear?"
"Uhh...right!" Bridgette said, smiling nervously. "No making out here!"
"Good. Now get over there." Walter motioned toward the others. "Now, before we have any further interruptions, the next contestant is Tyler. Great, I get to see some injuries. Maybe this whole thing will be worth it after all. Heheheh..."
"What's up, guy-WHOA!" Tyler tripped as he got out of the car and landed facefirst on the cement, chipping his tooth.
"Haha! That's what I like to see!" Walter laughed. "Now get over there with the others." Tyler rubbed his head and grinned sheepishly before joining the rest of the cast. "Okay, next we have DJ. He'd better not be an actual DJ or I may have to kill him in his sleep."
"Hey there, Walter." DJ said.
"What, you're not gonna cry about how you "miss your mama?"" Walter asked.
"What? No! I was just sayin' hi!" DJ said defensively.
"Look out, DJ! You're surrounded by air! You find this scary, just like you do every other moving particle on the planet!" Walter said.
"...Man, you're kind of a jerk. Just sayin'.'" DJ said angrily.
"Yeah, yeah, get over there ya mama's boy." Walter said. "Next we have Mike. And no, not the guy who went to take a piss in the middle of one of me and Jeff's shows."
"Hey guys!" Mike said as he stepped out of the car.
"Mike!" Zoey shouted as she rushed over to hug her boyfriend.
"Zoey!" Mike said happily, returning the hug.
"Sheesh, get a room you two." Walter muttered. "Go have your reunion over with the others while I introduce Noah."
"Greeeat. I'm back at hell." Noah said, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, Satan's gone on a permanent vacation." Walter replied, refering to Chris.
"Oh, so does that make you Kim Kardashian?" Noah asked.
"...I think I like you, kid." Walter chuckled.
"Thank you. I'll hopefully be here all week." Noah replied.
"Oh, you'll be here for quite a while." Walter said. Noah raised an eyebrow, but approached the group anyway. "Okay, next we have Dawn." Walter motioned toward a limo. He waited a few seconds, then turned to the limo. "I SAID...Next we have DAWN!" Walter said again. Nobody showed up. "Okay, where the hell is sh-"
"Greetings, fellow citizen of the universe." A voice said right next to Walter, causing him to scream, jump back and clutch his chest.
"Holy crap, you almost gave me a heart attack!" Walter said, panting heavily.
"Oh! My apologies, Walter." Dawn replied.
"How the hell did you even get there?" Walter asked.
"I used a shortcut." Dawn shrugged.
"Wha-that doesn't even...Whatever, just go with the others." Walter said. "And now we have some new faces. Ugly ones, but new nonetheless. First off, we've got Tristan."
"Hooray! I get to be in a nice house like the ones on TV!" Said a teenage boy with a voice similar to that of Barney the Dinosaur.
"Yeah, good for you, Tristan." Walter said in annoyance.
"Ice cream tastes best with hot sauce on it!" Tristan said randomly.
"I'm sure it does, Tristan." Walter replied. "Now get over there." As Tristan skipped off to join the others, another limo approached. "Next is Joey."
"Hey everybody! I'm gonna win dis thing by challenging all of you to a children's card game!" A blonde teenager said in a heavy brooklyn accent.
"There are no children's card games in this show, Joey," Walter said flatly.
"BLASPHEMY!" Joey shouted.
"Get over there ya little punk!" Walter snapped.
"Rage of Brooklyn!" Joey shouted.
"Anyway, next is Krillin."
"Hey there!" Krillin shouted from his limo. "I'm glad to be here!" Then the limo exploded, sending Krillin flying all the way toward the concrete, where he smashed into it facefirst and slid across the ground. Krillin landed at the feet of the other concerned contestants, groaning in pain.
Krillin Owned Count: 1
Brick helped Krillin to his feet. "Are you all right, soldier?" He asked.
"Yeah. I think so." Krillin replied with a smile.
"Glad to hear it." Brick nodded.
"How did the limo explode, anyway?" Asked Zoey.
"Oooh, so that's where I left that bomb." An offscreen voice sounded.
"Ah yes, it's my associate Achmed the Dead ex-terrorist." Walter said.
"EX-terrorist?! I still am a terrorist!" Achmed said.
"No you're not." Walter said.
"I know." Achmed replied, looking down sadly.
"Ah, get over there." Walter said. Achmed immediately complied.
"I didn't know Walter was hosting." He nervously muttered to DJ. "He scares the CRAP out of me!"
"Aw, how bad can he be?" DJ whispered back with a smile.
"Trust me, I work with him." Achmed whispered back.
"Aaaanyway, moving on! Next we have Deadpool!" Walter said.
"Man, the author wasn't kidding when he said he sucked at writing first chapters back in his Littlest Pet Shop crossover! Is he EVER gonna continue that?" Deadpool muttered.
"Um...what the hell are you going on about?" Walter asked.
"The author sucking at this." Deadpool replied casually.
"What do you think this is, a fanfiction?!" Courtney said with a raised eyebrow.
"I don't THINK. I KNOW." Deadpool replied. "And between you and me...I thought the whole Gwuncan thing was absolute bullsh*t and should never have happened. But sadly, both Cartoon Network and Fresh TV are assholes." Everybody stared at him as if he were crazy. They were right of course.
"Okaaaay, next is Ian and Anthony, two best friends." Walter said.
"Greeeeat, another Katie and Sadie." Gwen rolled her eyes. The limo opened and Anthony stepped out.
"What's up, guys?" He said. Ian stepped out right after.
"Yeah, how's it-WHOA!" He tripped because Anthony stuck his foot out. Anthony snickered as Ian landed facefirst in a mud puddle. Ian spat the mud out and glared at Anthony. "You are such a douche puncher!" Ian snapped as he shoved Anthony into another mud puddle and angrily went to join the others. Anthony stood up, still laughing, and went to join them as well.
"And finally, the final contestant: Dr. Doom." Walter said in annoyance. The limo stopped as menacing music played in the background. The other campers watched nervously as a metallic foot stepped out of the vehicle. Then, Doom emerged, standing proudly. He turned to Walter.
"So...is there any yogurt in this place?" Doom asked.
"Yep." Walter replied.
"ALL RIGHT!" Doom fist pumped and went to join the others. "What the-DEADPOOL! You better not leave to kill Max while I'm here!" Doom shouted.
"Oh. Don't worry. That's an alternate version of me." Deadpool shrugged. Doom glared suspiciously, then turned his attention to Walter.
"All right, I'm making some big changes here." Walter declared. "First off, there are no challenges."
"Wait a minute! I signed up for life threatening, potentially fatal challenges and instead I get to sit back and do nothing?!" Joey asked.
"Yep." Walter replied.
"Niiiice." Joey said.
"Also, there's multiple rewards. After the show, everyone wins a million dollars. I was given 365 billion dollars the other day by a crack addict, I've got money to spare." Everyone cheered again.
"So what exactly will we be doing, having a contest to see who has the most fun?" Noah asked.
"Nope. You'll be living your lives." Walter replied. "This is Total. Drama. Sitcom."
So yeah, complete crap, huh? It'll get better once I get thinking of some plots...