bilaterus: My maths exams loom… on a totally unrelated note, here's the final chapter!

I regret to say that this will be the last chapter I put up, evil readers. Now before you look at me with those evilly adorable eyes you know I hate, you must know it's not out of choice!

You see, this computer I'm writing on... is being put down.

I know what you're going to say. Oh Doof, that's ridiculous! Why not write it on your main computer? But I can't. It just won't be the same. It would be like if you always typed in Arial font and suddenly switched to Times New Roman. It just wouldn't feel right!

So this is the last chapter.

Hey, how about one last ramble, eh? For old time's sake? I'll do that for you, evil readers. Now what to talk about... It should be something relatable, something which we can understand each other about. Mostly you understanding me of course, since, you know, it's my ramble.

I know, I'll talk about math!

Now, evil readers, I've come to realise that people in general have very strong feelings about math, meaning they either love it or hate it. I mean, have any of you ever met someone who would just say 'eh, maths is ok'?

Math is marmite, evil readers.

And that's just one of the reasons I love it! I get such a warm feeling from liking things that a lot of people hate with a deep passion, like I'm in some sort of cool club and not being excluded from it, for once in my life.

And unlike marmite, even people who don't like math are forced to encounter it! There's no escaping the relentless march of numbers, of the need for basic arithmetic and n-dimensional calculus in day to day life.

Math is a necessary evil, evil readers.

It's one of the little things of my day. I love walking down shopping mall aisles to see people's faces scrunched up tightly, wondering how much a 20% discount on a $40 item is, before they finally grow so frustrated they shout angrily for a shop assistant who comes and tells them 20% is just a fifth and so the discount is $8 and he looks at them like an idiot and they either feel like one or they storm away angrily or in denial. It's so delicious!

But math is also cruel to the people that are good at it! There are some problems that a person will spend ages thinking about - hours, days, even months, while the problem burrows deep into their mind, like one of those star-nosed moles. And then, they get the answer, and sometimes it's so easy, so completely obvious, that they feel angry at themselves for not realising it sooner!

But sometimes, the answer took a stroke of sheer evil genius, and coming up with the answer is a pleasure that cannot be imitated.

Math is a cruel mistress, evil readers.

It actually reminds me of ex-wives: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. You can trust me on that.

Well, back in Gimmelshtump, we did a pretty good job of living without it. Math was practically banned except at school. Multiplying numbers was forbidden (which made buying 5 packs of gum at once pretty inconvenient, I can tell you that) and even adding 2 numbers was frowned upon. Knowing a theorem, like, say, Pythagoras's Theorem, was considered to remove good stinkelkrampen (which means luck, if your Druselsteinian is rusty) from the home, and saying you had a proof for such a result was considered sorcery!

I think I've laboured the point enough. But during my lonely days as a garden gnome, after Balloony had floated away and my neighbour Kenny had been shipped off to military school, the infinite stretch of number sequences and series were all that I had.

So I feel peace whenever I get to work on a new evil invention, musing over the math required to make it achieve its evil purposes. I feel peace when I think about the infinite scattering of prime numbers among the rest. They get rarer and rarer as the numbers grow ever larger but still they keep appearing, like the seed of evil in a man's heart that can never be quelled...

Math is... the closest thing to a friend I have.

Well, it certainly used to be. But now I have Perry the Platypus. And Norm, I guess, even if he is a hunk of junk.

And I have you, evil readers! You know, it's nice to get a little deep without getting ignored, like Charlene does to me, or pestered with annoying irrelevant questions like my therapist did, or getting told 'please just take your parking ticket, sir' like that guy at the mall parking lot.

And now for the last chapter! I feel strangely proud that I've got to the end of this evil story without being thwarted by Perry the Platypus. But I also feel strangely sad, as if I'm closing the book on a part of my life...

Well, here goes.

Phineas and Ferb were sitting against the tree in the backyard, once again.

"Dangit, Ferb!" Phineas burst out. "I don't mean go all street on you, but I'm getting tired of all of my plans to tell Isabella I love her just failing!"

Ferb nodded understandingly. It was annoying him too, because usually their evil antics went perfectly, but ever since Phineas found out Isabella loved him and he tried to tell her back, their ideas had seemed to work out worse than hiring a professional platypus hunter to eliminate your platypus nemesis.

"We need something infallible, something that definitely can't go wrong!"

"I can only think of one thing," Ferb said.

"One… of course, we use maths! Ferb, you're a genius!" Phineas exclaimed, jumping up excitedly. "I know what we're going to do today!"

Then he looked around, puzzled. "Hey, where's Jerry?"

Hm, how good are the people I know at math? Charlene is great with numbers. I'm pretty sure that Vanessa is good with them too, but she doesn't show any interest in math. And ever since the restraining order, I'm not allowed into her school to discuss how she's doing in it!

And the restraining order is totally unfair! That portal into a dimension of man-eating pillowcases that opened up in the science lab that day had nothing to do with me!

Unbeknownst to Phineas, his pet Jerry had snuck away towards his secret lair to receive his mission briefing. He reached up to activate a hidden switch on the side of the bookcase of the house, revealing a cute platypus-sized number panel. He quickly tapped in the smallest number which could be written by adding 2 cube numbers in 2 different ways - 1729, which was 12x12x12 + 1x1x1 and also 10x10x10 + 9x9x9 - and the bookcase slid aside to let him in.

"Good morning, Agent J," the image of Major Duogram said on the monitor. "We have reports that Shoofdenmirtz is working on a inator to do with math. And if it's to do with math, it must be horribly evil. Get out there and make his activity tend to zero. Fast."

Jerry the Platypus saluted and rushed off.

I wonder how good Perry the Platypus is at math… oh who am I kidding, he's probably the maths professor at whatever little platypus school there is for math. Honestly, I can't think of a single skill that Perry the Platypus does not know. Besides talking in funny accents.

Meanwhile, Candace was totally pumped for evil after watching the documentary by Emperor Doofenshmirtz. "Today's the day I beat my brothers in evil!" she declared to herself, storming outside to where the boys were peering worriedly over some papers, complex scrawls of letters and numbers across the page.

"Alright, what are you guys up to?" she demanded, looking over their shoulders to look at the pages.

"We've got this evil project planned, but we're having some trouble with the maths," Phineas said, frowning.

"Really?" Candace said, startled by the revelation. "So here, you can't find the Fourier Transform of the function?"

"Even Ferb's having trouble," Phineas admitted. "Can you help us?"

Candace was, in fact, a mathematical prodigy. Her brothers were too, but her years over her brothers gave her experience that was invaluable for solving math problems.

Hehehe, Candace thought sinisterly. I'll help them, and then sabotage them at the last moment, making me the most evil in comparison!

"Sure, I'll help you guys," she said sweetly. "Let's take a look..."

While Candace started helping the boys, Jerry the Platypus had arrived at Shoofdenmirtz's lair. But immediately, he was trapped by a giant number seven that swallowed him whole in the mouth it had. It was kinda weird.

"Now why was Jerry the Platypus afraid of seven?" Shoofdenmirtz asked. "Because seven ate him! Haha!

"Now, you must be wondering about my evil plan. You see, I hated math, but was always forced to learn it back at school, because it's 'so important'. Well, if it's so important, let's see the Tri-State Area function without any mathematical ability, once I drain it with my Math-ineetor! One zap of this baby and a person loses their math ability forever!"

You know, my brother Roger is actually not that great at math. It's the one thing he's not perfect at. Back in the days of our youth, he was struggling with some math for an upcoming test - trigonometry, it was. I remember staying up half the night helping him with it.

He got an A on that test, you know. Because of me.

Wow, I'd almost forgotten about that entirely. Weird that I'd remember it now...

Back in the Flynn-Fletcher backyard, Candace was really getting into helping her brothers. In fact, they were nearly finished. But as she was helping them, she had felt a strange sensation. She had felt her sinister intentions melting away, replaced with... her love for her brothers?

Yes, it was true. And she just couldn't help it. They were just so innocent!

"Thanks Candace, we really appreciate what you're doing for us," Phineas said, smiling at her, vulnerably. "Do you think Isabella will like it?"

"I know she will," she replied reassuringly, almost without thinking.

I need to sabotage it now! Candace thought urgently. But Phineas is looking at me with those big, deep eyes...

Would it be so bad to let him have this one?

Candace groaned at the realisation that she'd have to do the right thing.

"It's finished," Phineas said. "Now all that's needed is for Isabella to solve the final equation, and everything will fall into place. But if she doesn't..."

At Shoofdenmirtz's lair, the mad scientist was preparing the inator for its deadly debut. "Soon, nobody will be able to solve any equations at all!" he repeated evilly. "Wait, did I already say something like that? I think I did."

It began to charge energy ominously, until it was positively bursting with evil energy.

"It's working, it's working...!"

At the last moment, Jerry the Platypus burst out of the stomach of the seven, like from that movie 'Alien', and he leapt up at the ineetor. He gave it a fearsome platypus karate chop, severing an important wire completely.

"Nooo!" Shoofdenmirtz cried, in despair.

But the ineetor still fired one beam before it exploded.

Isabella had finally arrived at the backyard. "Whatcha dooin'?" she asked in her sugary sweet voice.

"Just some math," Phineas said. "In fact, this last equation is for you to solve."

"Oh, sure," Isabella said, and she took the clipboard into her hands to work it out.

A bead of sweat rolled down Phineas's oddly shaped head.

Candace began nervously biting her nails.

Ferb blinked.

"Variable i is less than three times variable u?" she asked, confused.

And then it dawned on her. "i [less than symbol]3 u... oh my gosh, Phineas..."

He smiled timidly and gave her a button. She pressed it, firing off several missiles straight at the moon. She gasped as the explosions cleared and the moon had turned into the shape of a heart.

"It's so beautiful, Phineas!" she exclaimed, tears in her eyes.

"I'm glad you like it, " he grinned. "So Isabella, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes!" she said, delighted, as she delicately kissed him on the cheek, making his cheeks blush as red as his hair.

"The moon disfigured like that..." Blinda had come out of the house and was staring at the moon. "It's beautiful, but also incredibly evil, since the moon controls the tides of the waters and the change in its shape will cause huge disruptions to people all over the world! I'm so proud of you all!" and she gave all three of her children a big momma bear hug.

"E-even me?" Candace asked.

"Especially you, my daughter," Blinda smiled - smiled! - at her.

"It really is beautiful."

"Jeremy!" Candace exclaimed, as her boyfriend walked in.

He smiled. "Almost as beautiful as my wife will be..."

"Huh?"

"Candace," he leaned down on one knee and produced a sparkling ring from one of his pockets. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes!" she burst out happily, and they shared a passionate kiss as the camera faded away into the distance.

It then returned to a certain house nearby, which a random beam was heading towards.

"Ah, what a lovely day to not be hit by random rays from the sky," Roger Doofenshmirtz said naively. "I think I'll do my taxes outside today!"

And of course, the beam hit him.

"Nooo! Now I'll never be able to work out how much I owe! I'm doomed for the rest of my life!"

And that... that is the end of that, evil readers.

No, wait...

Just then, the ever benevolent and merciful Emperor Heinz Doofenshmirtz strolled past the sobbing Roger Doofenshmirtz's house.

"What's going on?" the magnificent sovereign asked.

"I can't work out my taxes," Roger said in despair. "Especially not since sines and cosines are involved in your perfect tax system."

Emperor Heinz paused for a moment. Before stretching out a hand. "Here, let me help you with them."

"Really? Oh, thank you infinitely, Lord Doofenshmirtz," Roger said, through tears.

Heinz just smiled.

"What are big brothers for?"

Well, this is it, evil readers. It's been fun. And evil, of course. I want to especially thank all of you that have given me such kind evil words along the way.

Oh, I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

Take care, dear readers! Stay evil!