So this is basically Bay's journal of her recalling her time with Emmett while she's inside Carlton protesting with nothing to do. I actually wrote this for a creative writing project and just decided include only Bay and Emmett because otherwise it would've been too long, and decided I would post it on FF. And sorry for not updating. I've been on overload lately, but I'll probably update a lot more over the summer. The finale is not included, obviously, because "Bay" wrote this inside Carlton while protesting. I don't own Switched at Birth or any of the characters. It's italicized because it is Bay's writing. As always, bold is signing and everything else (signing and speaking, thoughts, etc.) can be inferred.

If you get bored of reading author's notes, I would just skip my author's notes because, if you can't tell, I'm a talkative person. Now, if you actually kept reading Ahhhh! The finale was sooo good and now we have to wait until June 10th. On another note, who watched "Restless Virgins" on Lifetime a while ago? I did because Vanessa Marano and Max Lloyd-Jones (aka Bay and Noah) were in the movie and I was mind blown cuz they were both in it. Only, I couldn't remember their characters' names so I just started referring to them as Bay and Noah in my mind. Anyways, on to the story. Hope you like it.

Sometime during the period where I had dated Emmett, I fell in love. I'm not sure when or where, only that it happened. Not that I'm saying our relationship was perfect, in fact it was far from it. We faced (and worked through) more challenges than I would've ever thought possible, but maybe that's why we were such a good couple. Because we were willing to fight for each other. Until he cheated. That was something I'm not sure we will ever work through. He told me the day of his prom. I felt like he had shattered my heart that day. The one person I thought I could always rely on had betrayed me. This hurt more than any break up had ever been and I spent weeks curled up in my art studio painting. Painting about him, thinking about him, dreaming about him. It was basically all I could do. Just when I thought we could finally have a time to enjoy each other's company. Then, I met Alex and still, all I could do was think about Emmett.

When the summer was over, I returned to Buckner and had a motivation to do better in school. In classes, I started quickly bringing my grades up and was accused of cheating. I was trying, trying to do my best and this school had the audacity to accuse me of cheating! Bay Kennish had had enough. Near the beginning of the year, I transferred to Carlton, Daphne and Emmett's school. It took a lot to convince my parents, but it was worth it. Emmett and I had reconcealed and become friends, but just friends. It was obvious to me and everyone else that he wanted to be more, but I just couldn't.

I remember seeing my Carlton school ID. My first thought was I look like a serial killer. Then Emmett saw me. Every time I see him, I get goose bumps. With an annoyed look I showed it to him and he immediately started grinning. Thanks Emmett. Like the gentleman he is, he took my school ID and cooly tossed it in the trash. He told me to stick with him, and out of instinct, I said I would, and we walked with our arms around each other down the hall. Just like old times I thought to myself. Later on, Emmett introduced me to his friends, and not all of them were as friendly as I thought, for some reason. I didn't understand at the time, but looking back now, I can see where they were coming from (mostly). Emmett and I spent our days around Carlton chatting casually about everyday things. Everybody thinks Emmett's shy, but once you get to know him, he never shuts up. They say the sparks die after a while but for some reason, whenever I'm around him, my heart beats a little faster and I just want to jump into his arms and let him hold me, but those days are over now.

Something was going on around the bulletin board outside and I had no idea what. Of course, we had to go on a tolerance retreat because the deaf and the hearing couldn't get along. I thought and joked about it to Daphne later (but to no avail) how if we were at Buckner we would've done trust falls in the gym and not reenact the hunger games in the middle of the forest. I met Noah a few days ago and he being one of the very few hearing kids at Carlton, he was coming too, along with Daphne and the leadership kids, Emmett, and of course, Natalie. Melody chose groups to try to depict and build some sort of deranged face as a team building project and we (Daphne, Noah, Emmett, Natalie, and me) got all lined up. Noah stood next to me and when Emmett's name was called, he cooly, and smoothly slid between us without saying a word. I suppose it was kind of amusing watching him try and keep everyone else from me, but I was kind of annoyed because it wasn't his job to protect me anymore and even if we were dating, I still had my own social life and he had to be able to trust me, but that wouldn't matter because the fact was WE ARE NOT DATING. As much as I hate to admit it, I think Emmett will never stop caring about me or trying to protect, whether he is dating me or not. He invited me to go sneak out by the lake, and believe me, I wanted to but I gave him an unassuring maybe. We never went. Noah confided in me about his having Meniere's disease and it felt nice being confided in by someone else again, like I was needed. Later on, after Melody had basically encouraged Natalie and me to fight and I needed to cool off a little, I heard singing. I followed it and found Noah lying on the ground and scared him without meaning to. Whoops. We shared a night singing and listening to music and it reminded me of when I was with Emmett. Maybe things would get better.

All was fine and dandy at Carlton (psshhh not at all) after we were forced to go on the tolerance retreat, because the deaf and the hearing kids weren't getting along and I still don't believe I was the source of the problem. Natalie and I had become friends, or at least could stand being around each other, and still remain pretty good friends. Classes were still hard because I didn't understand half the language and everybody signing at 20 thousand miles an hour doesn't really help, although I learned more during those few weeks than I ever had. Then, the day after the tolerance retreat, I was so excited to tell Emmett that Natalie had called a truce, but he looked like his heart had been torn apart. What's going on with us? he signed. I told him that Noah and I were just friends…for now I thought secretly to myself after. He later went on to explain that he hated being jealous of someone else being with me and asked why we weren't together. It definitely wasn't all about Simone anymore, but I was underwater and everything was too overwhelming. Of course he wanted to help me, but not as my friend. He wanted to be more and I wasn't ready for that, but nothing would prepare me for what he would say next. I don't want to be your friend. I thought I did, but it hurts too much to be with you but not be with you. My mind struggled to process the thought of no longer having Emmett in my life. He had hurt me, but I LOVED HIM and I truly believe I still do. Even just being friends, he took care of me, stood up for me, and waited. FOR US. That truly wasn't what I was afraid of. What I was afraid of was what my life would be, who I would be, what I would do without him. I couldn't and can't imagine a life without Emmett being there to support me like he had from the moment I met him and I couldn't believe that was what he was asking me to do. Why couldn't he understand? "But that's all that I can handle right now." And he walked away. I called out to him. He kept walking. I took two steps forward to follow him, and stopped. The feeling of regret I have is terrible. I should've followed him, chased him, forced him to listen, but I didn't. I should've. I wonder what would've happened if I did. Maybe the same thing, but I should have at least tried to keep him in my life. Maybe we would be back together. It was the What if game all over again.

The next time I saw Emmett again was Valentine's Day and to be honest, I was trying to avoid him. I ran into him while I was wearing that stupid cupid outfit, I remember. He told me that I was the only one in the world who could pull it off and I just smiled. Leave it to him to try and make me feel good about a cupid outfit. I didn't really know what to say to break that awkward silence so I went with how is everything. He responded with "class and stuff. I've been busy." Then he went on to talk about a timeline he was working on. Oh, now we're on this subject. "Always nail those timelines." Yours is still there. Why Emmett, why must you do this. "I know." You've seen it? Seriously. Just not gonna miss this chance are you. Quick, you gotta respond with something Bay. "Uh, yeah, I was in the neighborhood this one time." Then he proceeds to look me in the eye with those gorgeous blue eyes of his and I got lost in them. And when I finally snapped out of it, we were back to awkward. Say something Kennish! "I gotta get to class." I have to hand it to Emmett. He always knows the perfect thing to say. Careful not to fly away and he walked away. My eyes followed him until he was out of sight. Oh my god. I'm falling in love with him a second time or the more likely reason, I never truly stopped.

I walked into my class next period and saw Noah. We started talking about my deranged cupid outfit and he tells me he's doing the play. During our conversation I found out that apparently, February 14th is Oregon's birthday and then he talked about Game of Thrones ( I really need to watch more TV) and then an awkward silence. Awkward silences just love me today, huh.

I came home to mom and I told her that unless you're 5, wearing a costume to school is never a good idea and that Olympic Archery is definitely not a suitable career option. She presumes to throw the plastic Cupid arrow at me and tells me the next person I see. Oh, that's not happening mom. "Well, can that person be Greek yogurt, because that's all that's happening right now." "What's going on with Emmett?" "I told him that I just want to be friends and he said he couldn't because being just friends is too hard. And then there's this other guy but he's made it pretty clear that he would pretty much rather do anything instead of hang out with me. What's incredible is that I actually used to really like this holiday." What I meant was, I liked it back when I was dating Emmett. I remembered that exactly last year, today, he was taking our family photo and couldn't use his family because his parents were fighting all the time. I knew he was going through a hard time. His family was broken right now and he was subconsciously taking it out on me. Not that I blamed him, but I stood by him because I loved and cared about him and he'd always, ALWAYS, been there for me. I went out to talk to him and he said, and I will always remember this moment, Are we going to fall out of love? I couldn't really believe what he said and it took me a while to process. "Did you just say… I'm sorry, this is about you, and your family." No what were you going to say? "Did you just say, are we going to fall out of love? As in we are…currently." I am. "Me too." and there was no denying it. Emmett and I joined hands and just enjoyed the moment and kissed. Our I love you kiss. On Valentine's Day and without a doubt, I know we both meant it 100%. Then, my mom suggested I have some friends over. "Um, thanks but no thanks mom." She means well but she's just gonna be trying to mess with my personal life.

The funny thing was, I actually took my mom's suggestion. Of course, not at my house. I asked Angelo, well actually, he offered to let me have the party at his new apartment. I invited basically everyone who was single at Carlton and a few other people, in hope that people would actually come, because everytime I threw a party, it usually ended badly. Natalie said she'd come and Noah seemed partly interested, so maybe it wouldn't be terrible. I walked over to where Emmett was sitting and asked if he wanted to come. I made a fool of myself rambling about if it was awkward or if I wasn't supposed to even ask, but then he said he had plans and looked genuinely sorry. I sort of felt my heart droop. I hadn't really talked to Emmett since we he decided that we shouldn't be friends anymore and I longed for his company. Lost opportunity. As much as I hate to admit it, I felt a little jealous. I couldn't help but wonder if he was going out with some other girl. What does that say about me? Feeling jealous that a guy who cheated on me was dating someone else. I guess it doesn't say much, but I couldn't help it.

I headed to Angelo's to get ready for the anti-Valentine's day party and was surprised to see Lana there. I guess she and Angelo were getting to know each other? Ok then.

The party started and people slowly started trickling in. And I mean slooowwly. Toby and Nikki came in as filler and during the first bit of the party, I didn't really know what to do with myself. Then Noah showed up. I did a little mini dance in my mind. I liked him. I really did. I figured it was time to move on. Maybe Noah could help me do that. It was Valentine's Day after all. Noah was beginning to lose his hearing more and more, and I tried to help him, but he wouldn't let me in. Not into the bathroom, not into his life, so I did what I could. I slunk down against the wall and waited, lost in my own thoughts. The next time I looked up, I saw Emmett. He had actually come. I was happy that he had come instead of doing what he had planned, whatever that was. The next part I was too bewildered at the time to really do much of anything and I don't exactly remember much, but Noah and Travis got into a fight over the volume of the music and I think that Noah was just angry at losing his hearing, and tried to take it out on Travis. Later in the night, I went to check on him...and we kissed. It was amazing. I hadn't felt like that since Emmett. Then, when I was thinking about this, I just sat there and wondered. What if I hadn't met Emmett? Would Noah and I still be together? Maybe I would've fell in love with Noah. Would he still like Daphne? Maybe things would be easier if I hadn't met Emmett...No. I couldn't think that. He showed me who I was and reminded me what I stood for. I wouldn't be who I was without him.

That week I was on cloud nine. Noah and I were together and I was enjoying myself. I put it in my mind that I had gotten over Emmett and tried to convince myself that I was. Now the difficult part was telling Emmett. Noah and I were in my garage and I was trying to design a poster for my dad's campaign. He was calling everything good and then said that you couldn't tell a story with art. I wanted to scream YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING WITH ART. IT'S BEEN THE ONLY WAY I'VE KNOWN HOW TO EXPRESS MYSELF FOR 16 YEARS, but I stopped myself and went with "Thanks for trying to help, but I need someone with a more artistic eye." Crap. That wasn't how I meant it to come out. Here it comes. "Like Emmett." It wasn't a question. And then he walked away. I was drawing by myself outside when Emmett approached. I told him. What surprised me was, he just signed "Noah." Got that right. He was so calm and cool with it and had his James Dean smirk on. I should've known I was in for trouble as soon as he plastered that thing on his face. He leaned in to kiss me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I think I must've looked like an idiot right there wide-eyed and bewildered. He signed "are you sure you're ready to move on?" and walked away. Now I wasn't so sure. Emmett couldn't just leave me be, could he.

I walked into Melody's Deaf Studies class a few days after we learned Carlton would be closing and everybody stopped talking. Obviously, either they were talking about me or didn't want me to know something. Travis told Noah they were talking about seals, something he had made fun of Travis for during their fight at Angelo's. Emmett then pulls me aside to tell ask me to design a poster for some mysterious reason and I figure I owed him a poster. Then, at the school play of Romeo and Juliet, I noticed Travis in the back trying to signal to Daphne and found out about the protest. I pulled the fire alarm (if anyone asks it wasn't me) and the protest mirroring the Deaf President Now protest at Gallaudet began. As everyone filed outside, Emmett dropped my axe girl poster and my artwork unrolled for everyone to see. It now represented a sign of deaf pride and of standing up for what you believe in. All the students at Carlton ran into the school to support it. I wanted to go in, but hesitated at the steps, wondering if I would be accepted. Emmett runs down the steps and smiles when he sees me. He takes my hand after reassuring me "It's your school too,"and we run up the stairs grinning. Noah joins us and when Travis sees us, still angry about Noah's teasing doesn't want to let us mostly Noah in, until Daphne comes at the perfect moment and Noah, Emmett, and I go into the protest. And now we're here. Fighting for each other and what we believe in. And regarding Emmett, I meant what I said. It's not even about Simone anymore. It never was. The only reason I'm not ready to get back together isn't because I don't love him. Or that I don't trust him or can't rely on him or even that I don't think he's sorry and regrets it. I know he regrets it. I regret it. Not being there to comfort him or even just be there to be his rock, as he had done for me. I wasn't there and because of it, he hurt me. He was the one constant that would always be there for me and that I would do the same for. The one person who understood me, who chose me over Daphne or whoever else. But when he told me about Simone, he just told me he had chosen someone else. Another person that I loved, to remind me, I wasn't good enough for them. And I'm not sure if we did get back together, if I could handle that again. But I still love him and I think I always will.

I closed the small leather bound book that Bay had spilled her life into. Her words left me shaking. I was bewildered and angry at myself after reading Bay's writing. How could she think that my mistake was her fault? Why had I even put Bay in that position? The mistake was ALL mine, and Bay felt like it was her fault that I had hurt her. I had to make her realize that there was nothing, nothing wrong with her, that she WAS good enough, and that I would never, in a million years, intentionally hurt her. I needed to let Bay know how big of an impact she made on me. Bay helped me figure out who I am, what I stood for, and why I was on this planet...To protect her. She has to know that she knows me better than I know myself, that she's a bigger part of who I am than I am, and just remind her how special and unique and beautiful and creative she is. And most importantly, that I LOVE her to make sure she will never forget. I put the journal back between the couch cushions where I had found it and went to go find Bay. I took about three steps towards the hallway and turned around. I grabbed the book and placed it in my backpack. Then, I could always be sure that Bay still loved me. And if she still did, there was hope. I refused to give up hope.

So I would like to be able to continue this, but I don't know what to add. If you want me to continue and have any ideas, Please review! Thanks for reading!