Chapter 30

"Stop this, Yukio. I think we need to talk." I said. I stood up and held out my right arm, seeing as we both have injuries on our left arms. Yukio cautiously took my hand, and I pulled him up, "First thing's first, though. We need to clean off your arm."

I walked Yukio to the sink and retreated, "I'll wait in your room. Just come by when you're finished." I let the bathroom door swing closed behind me and let myself into Yukio's room. I sat on the bed and waited for him. It shouldn't take him too long to rinse it off, maybe wrap a towel or something around it. I doubt Yukio would be dumb enough to even try cutting the other arm with me just down the hall. He's probably in a bit of shock, trying to wrap his mind around what I caught him in the act of doing, just as he caught me in the act oh so long ago.

Well, maybe it wasn't all that long ago. Let's do the math: there was the week spent in Kyoto, another week before that after the conversation Bon and I had, a week before that where it was just me and Bon being angry at each other and arguing about homework and stuff, and then before that was the first week. Four weeks, that's about a month since the two of us have been apart. Yukio's gotten this bad already? I must be a pretty shitty brother.

I have to make it up to Yukio. I have to help him, because I don't want him to end up like me. No one should ever have to be in my shoes. No one else deserves that.

Yukio walked into the room and sat on the opposite bed, facing me. It was almost déja vu. We'd been in the same position so many times in our room, it was almost nostalgic. This time, however, I am the one doing the scolding. Or rather, being the experienced one trying to talk to the other.

Well, no time to reflect on that. Here goes nothing, "Yukio," I started. His eyes shot up to meet mine as I said his name, "What's going on?"

"Isn't it obvious, Rin? I thought you were at least smarter than that."

"I'm not blaming you for anything! I just wanted to know if you could explain your side of the story. I know what I saw, and I know you know that I saw it. Please, if you can tell me why you decided to do it?" I asked

"No reason."

"Bull."

"I don't know, then!" Yukio exclaimed, suddenly standing. He took a deep breath and sat back down, "It isn't like you can understand anyways."

"That's not the point Yukio."

"Then what exactly is the point, Rin?"

"I want to know if there's anything I can do to help you." I admitted.

"There's nothing you can do to help me, except perhaps to leave right now."

"That's not going to happen."

"Why not?"

"Because you're my little brother and I care about you!"

We sat in silence for a moment. Yukio seemed lost in thought as if he was debating what to say next.

"I don't need your help. Not anymore." Yukio whispered coldly.

"If you don't want my help, that's fine. Please get someone else's help then. There are lots of people here who would help you if you gave them a chance."

"Can't I say the same thing to you?"

"It's a bit late for that. I made a deal with Bon. You can't use that argument against me any more."

Yukio bit his lip. I know he's hiding something from me, but what?

"There isn't anything that anyone can do to help me fix my problem."

"You're admitting that there's a problem?" I didn't think that he would admit it so easily or quickly to me. Does this mean that he still trusts me a little bit?

"I don't think you'd believe me if I lied, so why bother?" I guess not.

"Then what is this problem? If I or anyone else can't help you, then there should be no harm in telling, right?" I asked. Can't he see that I honestly want to help him? Or maybe he doesn't want help, kind of like I didn't.

"It's not worth sharing." Yukio replied, his voice as hard as stone.

I just remembered something, "Oh yeah, I also have a message for you. Shura asked me to tall you to "get over yourself," whatever that's supposed to mean."

Apparently I said the wrong thing. Yukio stood up again and started shouting.

"She had no right to say something like that! She had no right to say it to you of all people! She has no right butting into my business that way! I don't need to get over myself! Myself isn't the whole problem!"

"What do you mean me of all people? Is it because you still see me as a demon? I don't blame you if you do, but-"

"No, Rin! That's not my problem with telling you! Half of the reason is because I don't want to make your problems worse, and the other half is because I need to prove that I don't need to rely on you anymore!"

"But you're such a cool exorcist. How can you say that you're relying on me?" I asked, confused as to how he came up with that. Yukio hasn't relied on me since we were little kids.

"Because you're always so much better than I am, and no matter how much I try, I can't live up to you! I hate myself!"

My eyes widened in shock, and a sting of hurt ran from my throat to my gut, "Yukio..."

"There isn't anything that anyone can do to help me, because by accepting their help, I wouldn't be getting any closer to you, I'd be stuck in the same place while you continue to grow, get stronger, get better! And then I found out that you've been self harming! Probably for a very long time! Since we were kids, right?" I flinched at his accusation, "You didn't need to rely on anyone but yourself and your own actions, so why did I rely on you too? If it helped you, then maybe it would help me too! I wanted to understand!"

So that's what Shura meant about telling Yukio to get over himself. He's so preoccupied with how he's not good enough that he can't move on.

"Yukio, I-"

"Shut up Rin! I don't want to hear anything from you!" Yukio panted, exhausting himself with all the emotional energy.

I waited a moment for him to catch his breath and hopefully calm down a bit. "Yukio-"

"I said shut up, Rin!"

"No. Fuck it, I'm going to talk to you if I want to, and you're going to listen to me!"

Yukio's eyes widened, but he stayed still, waiting for me to finish.

"The reason that I started cutting is because I was frustrated with the way everyone else treated me. I mean our neighbours, the kids at school, teachers, random strangers, everyone but you, the priests at the monastery and dad. I couldn't go to the adults at the monastery with the problems because I didn't think they'd believe me or listen to me. I also didn't want to disappoint the old man with yet another failure of mine. I couldn't go to you because I'm the older brother. Older siblings look out for the younger ones, not the other way around.

"When I started, it was an accident. I scraped myself and liked the feeling I got afterwards. I tried it again intentionally later, and it became a habit. I couldn't stand the way that people judged me before they got to know me, or if they called me a demon because I tried to help them the wrong way or got in fights. I did my best to protect you too, to take all the blame whenever anything went wrong because you are the angel and I'm the demon. I deserve this punishment! You don't have to hurt yourself this way because there's nothing you ever did wrong!" I exclaimed.

"You believe all that? You could have come to me at any time! Just because I'm your younger brother doesn't mean that you can't talk to me! Just because you're older than me doesn't mean that you have to take it all on by yourself! If it really was you against everyone else, then you should have asked me to help you! To be your backup!"

"But I couldn't get you in trouble that way! You'd end up with the same bad reputation that I had and then I would've felt even worse!"

"But you wouldn't have been alone!" Yukio shouted.

That last comment really stung. Loneliness is the overarching reason for my cutting, I suppose. I was always alone, and this is what I had to help me. Does Yukio know that loneliness too? I hope to God that he doesn't, but I have to ask anyways.

"So you know what that type of loneliness feels like?" I whispered. It was quiet, but I know he heard me.

"How do you think it feels to be five to eight years younger than every exorcist you're training with, working with. It's only now that people my age are becoming Pages, not even full Exorcists of any rank yet." Yukio whispered back, just as quietly.

"I see." So Yukio does know how much it hurts to be alone, to have no one to help you when you need it most.

"But at least I had dad, back then." Yukio continued. I'm glad he wasn't completely alone, "And then I was living with you until recently. Even if I was alone, your antics could cheer me up, on any bad day. As much as I hate myself more for it, I miss it."

"So that's when..."

"When what?"

"When you started cutting. I'm so sorry Yukio." I apologized.

"As much as I wish I could blame it all on you, it isn't entirely your fault. You may have given me the idea of self harm, but I'm the one who actually picked up the razor."

The guilt crawled into my throat. I gave him the idea? Without me, he wouldn't have tried it? There's no way that Yukio would have been unaware of self harm before this past month. I guess it just never crossed his mind as a way to cope until now.

With the lump in my throat, it was hard to speak, but I managed to get a few words out, "I'm sorry that you ever had to find out about it, and I'm sorry that I caused you to ever try it for yourself. Can you forgive me?"

"What for?"

"For making you feel the way that you do, for introducing you to this habit, and for not being able to stop it."

"I mean, I don't need to forgive you for anything, Rin. It's not your fault that I chose to do this. I admit, I wouldn't have tried it without you doing it first, but that doesn't make it your fault. I should have tried to talk to you before deciding to tackle the problem by myself. This time, I think we share the blame, just like we share the addiction."

"You mean, you've gotten that bad already?" I blinked the tears back. How could I miss my little brother hurting so much? Is it because we've never really talked before?

"Don't make me stop." Yukio asked.

"But you really shouldn't be doing this." I argued.

"Wasn't that your rule before? Don't tell you to stop? Why would you ask differently of me?"

"Because you're worth something, Yukio. I want you to be able to see that and to not have to rely on a stupid habit like this." I rebutted.

"So are you, Rin."

"But I was able to give it up for a while when I had you and the exwires as friends. I was able to live with it all because I thought that, since I had friends, people to be with, that I had a reason not to cut. I could ignore the bad feelings because there were so many new and good feelings that I got from being around all of you."

"And you went back because they all betrayed you? I guess I wasn't any better. In fact, I think I was worse than them." Yukio admitted.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"I told you to die, to kill yourself."

"But you didn't mean that!"

"At the time, I think I did."

I could only sit, shocked. Yukio had actually wanted me to die?

"Back then, everything was black and white for me. Demons should die, that was the rule. I learned better, but I can't take back what I said back then. It's too late to regret the past."

I couldn't respond to that. It is too late to regret the stuff that happened back then. It happened, now we're here. We need to focus on right now right now.

"Do you think you'd be able to stop if you had a reason not to cut any more?" I asked.

"I suppose so, but you know I'm still probably going to want to." Yukio replied.

"It isn't as if I'm asking you to give it up right away. I can't either. We're alike in too many ways, you know?" Like the matching vertical cuts on our left arms right now, "I just want to know if there's any way that I can try to make you feel better so that you don't have to resort to cutting any more. I want you to be able to talk to me, like we used to and like we are right now."

"We never used to talk, Rin. Neither of us was ever honest."

"Then I want to know how to help you quit."

"I want to live with you again."

I was stunned. Was I really worth that much to him?

"Are you sure? I mean, I'm not really a great dormmate, I'm loud, annoying, I sleep all the time, I can't get my homework done on time..." I listed. Yukio just laughed.

"That's what I miss! I miss you being my brother!"

"I've missed you too, Yukio. Think we can come to an agreement though?"

"What do you want to agree to?"

"Well, I kind of like having my own room. Living with my teacher is just weird."

Yukio laughed again. "Fine, how about if I just live next door or across the hall then?"

"Sounds good to me. I agree to live next door or across from you if you'll agree that you won't try cutting anymore." Yukio scowled at me and opened his mouth to rebut my statement, "At least until after you try talking to me or Bon or Shura or someone first." I finished quickly.

"Why do I have to talk to you first?"

"Don't you feel a little better already?" I asked. I know he does, I can tell by the way he laughed at my jokes and has started talking more comfortably.

Yukio pondered the question a moment before giving a reply, "Fine, I'll agree. Near-roommates again?"

"You bet lil' bro!" I jumped up and grabbed Yukio by his good arm, then grabbed a sweater out of the closet, "Come on. Put this on so we can go upstairs and tell Bon!"

"No need, Okumura. I heard you from out here." called a voice from the hallway.

"How long have you been listening?" I shouted. He has no business doing that.

"Since you two were shouting loudly enough for me to hear you from upstairs. I just moved closer in case I needed to stop you two from killing each other. I'm glad that that wasn't necessary." Bon replied smugly, "I told you, all you two needed to do was communicate with each other."

"Shut up, you stupid rooster!"

"Grow up, ya dumb monkey."

I heard Bon's footsteps as he walked away from the door. I stayed quiet until I heard him start climbing the stairs.

"Well, with that all done, you want to start moving your stuff back upstairs, Yukio? You need to pick a room."

"Sure, Rin. Why not?"

The two of us started carrying clothes, school supplies, and exorcist equipment back up the stairs. Yukio chose room 604 to stay in, right next to the room I'm sharing with Bon. I don't think Bon plans on moving out, especially when I cook for him every day.

I know it's going to be a rough time for both Yukio and me. I an only hope that, since he hasn't been cutting long, that he'll get past this and never feel that he has to cut again. I don't want him to hate himself. I never wanted him to have to experience that kind of pain. I guess it happened without me noticing it, and I'm going to regret it for a long time. It hurts to see my little brother hating himself so much, and I really hope that he can start to feel better about himself soon.

I guess he was right about that one thing, though. No one can help him with that problem. If he hates himself, it's up to him to fix his train of thought. We can't change it for him, we can only be there and encourage him to see the good in himself.

It's going to take a long time, but that's what family is for, right?

Myself, on the other hand, I know I'm a cutter for life. The urge will wax and wane as it always has, so some days will be fine, and on others, I'll want to die. That's the way life goes. I might be able to give up my blades for a day, for two days, for a week, a month, a year, maybe even ten years.

In the end, I know I'll go back. I'll relapse, I'll like it. That's how it works with an addiction.

Maybe it isn't an addiction in the conventional sense, but I can't give it up.

I can try, but it will happen again.

And again.

And again.

Until I die.

That's why I say "don't tell me to stop."

Because I can't. I won't.

At least this time, though, I have friends who can help me out if I have the guts to take it.

A/N: Thank you so much to anyone who has taken the time to finish this story. It was certainly an adventure, especially since it was supposed to be a one-shot originally. If you enjoyed it, I'm glad. If you learned something, I'm even happier. If you can relate, I feel for you. Once again, thank you to the 127 favourites, 145 follows, and 90 reviews that I have at the time I publish this chapter. This was originally a one-shot and I didn't intend for the story to last this long. Thanks for not giving up on me, and remember that there is always someone there for you. It might just take a bit of searching to find them. Until my next fic (if you want to read it), yours truly, -Shippo704