Inspiration

Harley Quinn was humming in the shower, enjoying the warmth of the water rushing down her skin as she shampooed her hair. She usually sang at the top of her lungs in the shower, but Mr. J was still asleep and she didn't want to wake him. Well, not until her shower was over, she thought, with a smile, after which she intended to creep back to bed, climb under the covers, and cuddle him naked to see if she could get him in the mood. There was no guarantee that that would do it – Mr. J wasn't like normal guys, and sometimes the sight of her body alone didn't do anything for him. He usually had to bruise that body a bit, slap it around or break it a little before the mood seized him. But Harley was fine with that. Truth to tell, she enjoyed it. She had never wanted just a normal guy, and puddin' was anything but that. She couldn't expect someone as special as him to have the same passions and desires as other men – she would be disappointed if he did. But throughout their relationship, Harley had learned little secrets, little tips and tricks for turning him on, things that would never work with other guys. Which is why she intended to not only cuddle him naked, but to have the whoopie cushion ready as well.

She had been enjoying the thought of things to come when she suddenly heard a loud pounding on the bathroom door. "Harley!" shouted a familiar voice. "Get the hell outta there right now!"

"I'm just washing my hair, puddin', I'll be out in a second!" she called.

She heard a growl, and then the sound of gunshots, and a loud crash as the bathroom door fell to the ground. A moment later, the shower curtain was ripped aside and Harley saw the angry face of the Joker, twisted in rage.

"My turn - out now!" he snapped, seizing her arm and dragging her out of the shower. She was too stunned to even grab a towel as he immediately began to strip off his pajamas. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier, you stupid woman?" he demanded. "I'm late for my battle with the Bat!"

"I didn't know you had a battle scheduled for today, puddin'…" began Harley.

"You read the calendar?" he demanded.

"Yeah, but there weren't anything written down…for…" Harley trailed off as he finished undressing, and she could only gaze at him with her mouth open, stunned as she always was by his incredible attractiveness.

"I might have forgotten to write it down," he retorted, jumping into the shower and pulling the curtain. "You should have reminded me. Now go get dressed – the boys will be here any minute."

"Oh…yeah…sure, puddin'," she stammered. But she pulled aside the curtain again, unable to take her eyes off he gorgeous sight of his naked body.

"Harley, I'm trying to get a shower!" he snapped.

"Yeah…I know," she breathed, climbing in to join him. "Maybe you could help me finish mine…soap me up a little, huh, Mr. J?" she breathed, handing him a bar of soap. "I'd be happy to return the favor," she whispered, leaning forward to kiss him.

"Harley, get off!" he snapped, shoving her away. "I don't have time for this! I ain't gonna keep the Bat waiting because my dumb blonde floozy wants to make ha ha. How pathetic would that be?!"

"I don't think it would be pathetic to put me first for once, Mr. J," murmured Harley, a little hurt.

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't, because you are pathetic!" he retorted. "Now get the hell outta here, would ya?!"

Harley sighed in resignation and turned to go. "Harley, wait…" he said, catching her arm. "C'mere."

He suddenly pulled her into his embrace, bending her over backward and kissing her. Harley returned the kiss with passion, feeling her love for him bubbling up inside her as it always did when she was near him, making every inch of her feel happy and alive.

He released her, and she saw that he was grinning insanely. She had never been the cause of that kind of happiness before, and she felt her heart soar. Until he pushed her backward, and she suddenly slipped on the bar of soap he had placed on the floor while kissing her. She fell to the ground, crying out in pain, and she heard him chuckling maniacally. She rose to her feet slowly, wincing, feeling the tears come to her eyes. She should have known that it was a joke that made him smile like that, not her. Never her.

"Now out, out, out!" he snapped, suddenly seizing her arm again and shoving her out of the door, slamming and locking it behind him.

"But…Mr. J!" cried Harley, banging on it. "Mr. J, I ain't got a towel or nothing!"

She heard voices coming down the hall – male voices. The henchmen were gonna see her naked. She thought she would die of embarrassment. She fled down the corridor, hiding in one of the rooms while she waited for them to pass, but then realized with a sinking heart that she needed to get through the common room to get back to their bedroom.

She noticed that Rocco was at the back of the line of henchmen, and seized his arm. He turned and stared at her, stunned, but she put a finger to his lips and dragged him into the room.

"Sorry to embarrass you like this, Roc, but you think I could borrow your jacket?" she asked. "Mr. J kicked me outta the shower."

"Oh…sure…no problem, Harley," stammered Rocco, averting his eyes as he pulled off his jacket. Harley would never have trusted any of the other henchmen but him, but Rocco had always been very protective and fatherly towards her, and he was a geniunely decent man.

"C'mon, hide behind me and we'll sneak you past the others," he said when she had pulled his jacket on. "I'm certainly wide enough to conceal you."

They slipped through the room without being noticed, and Harley retreated into the safety of her bedroom. "Thanks, Roc," she said, reaching for her robe and handing Rocco his jacket back. "I'm sorry about that, but you know how Mr. J gets when his attention's focused on the Bat. He ain't aware of anything else."

"Don't mention it, Harley," replied Rocco, forcing a smile. Truthfully, he hated the way Harley was treated by the boss, like an object, with no consideration for her feelings. Just because she was used to it didn't make it right, by any means.

"I'll…um…see you soon," he said, leaving the room and shutting the door. Harley began dressing in her usual costume. While she was putting on her makeup, the Joker entered the room with a towel wrapped around his waist, and grabbed his suit from the closet. He didn't apologize for kicking her out, and Harley didn't expect him to. She finished her makeup and calmly went over to tie his bowtie for him.

"Where are we going, puddin'?" she asked.

"You'll find out the same time as everyone else," he retorted. "Now concentrate, Harley."

Harley nodded and didn't say anything else as she finished his bowtie and began combing his hair. Mr. J didn't like being late for things – he got agitated when he had to rush. And when he had a battle with the Bat scheduled, he had a one-track mind. If Harley had suddenly suffered a stroke at that moment and lay on the ground gasping for air, he would have told her to get up and over it, and then left her lying there if she didn't. She knew that, and for an instant she felt like that probably wasn't right – to be in a relationship with a guy whose first priority wasn't her safety and well-being. To be in a relationship with a guy who put someone else first, instead of her. But there was nothing she could do about it except accept it, or leave it. And she could never leave Mr. J, not for anything in the world.

She gazed at him adoringly and, overwhelmed by a sudden rush of affection for him, kissed him tenderly. "Harley, get off!" he snapped, shoving her away. "I told you we ain't got time for this! We got twenty minutes to get across town and be ready for Batsy when he shows up! He ain't gonna be late, so neither should we!"

Twenty minutes later, Harley, Joker, and the henchmen were all waiting on the roof of the Gotham Natural History Museum. Forty minutes later, they were still waiting. An hour later, Harley tentatively said, "Um…Mr. J? I don't think he's coming."

Joker checked his watch, eyebrows narrowed. "I don't understand," he muttered. "I made sure the heist was rumored to be going down at nine o'clock. Maybe he thought I meant in the evening?"

He glanced around the sky again. "Harley, what day of the week is it?"

"Wednesday, puddin'," she replied.

"Wednesday," he repeated. "Oh. Thought it was Tuesday."

Harley stared at him. Mr. J never got dates wrong. For a raving lunatic, he was always very precise with dates and times, especially when they involved a battle with Batman. Mr. J had never lost track of the dates before. It just didn't happen.

He stared at the sky a few moments more, and then said, "Well, he ain't gonna come if it's the wrong day. No wonder there was nothing written on the calendar. We'd better beat it, boys."

"You don't wanna take any loot with us, boss?" asked Rocco.

"Nah, no point if Batsy ain't gonna show up," sighed Joker. "Let's just go home."

He headed down the stairs of the fire escape, but Harley caught his hand. "Mr. J," she said quietly. "Are you ok?"

"Fine, Harley," he murmured. "I'm fine."

"It's just…you ain't ever got the date wrong before…" she began.

"I said I was fine, you worthless little brat!" he snapped, shoving her violently away from him. "Don't contradict me!"

"I ain't contradicting you, I'm just worried…" began Harley, but he struck her suddenly.

"You just contradicted me just now, you stupid woman!" he shouted. "Keep your useless mouth shut, all right?"

"Yes, sir," she whispered, trying to hold back tears.

He stormed off, and Rocco gently put his arm around Harley. "Don't worry, Harley," he murmured. "I'm sure it's just a one-off thing. Everyone makes mistakes, right?"

"Mr. J don't," breathed Harley. "He's perfect."

"Well, I'm sure he'll be back on form tomorrow," replied Rocco. "He's just had one bad day. Nothing to worry about."

"No," agreed Harley, gazing after Joker in concern. "No, I guess it ain't."