"AHHHHHHHH!"

The very terrified voice of a certain Draco Malfoy echoed eerily throughout Hogwarts.

Professor Minerva McGonagall heard the scream from her Transfiguration classroom, and pondered whether she should check on the poor boy. It sounded like he was experiencing something...quite unpleasant, but she'd bet her cat whiskers that it didn't have anything to do with the Dark Lord, may he rest in peace. So she decided to just sit back, relax, and enjoy some popcorn (if she could find any, that is).

Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore heard Draco's scream all the way up in his office, and he exchanged a merry glance with Fawkes the Phoenix. "Ah, children," he remarked with a wistful sigh, "They're just so full of energy these days. I wish I could scream that loudly! Alas, I am getting old." He, of course, had no intention of saving Draco Malfoy from whatever was causing him so much, er, terror.

Hermione Jean Granger heard the scream from her post in the corridor. She looked up, bemused, before turning her attention back to Hogwarts, A History. She was sitting in that particular spot in the corridor because she was waiting for the Head Boy to show, and that was where they had promised to meet up for their daily patrol. She made a mental note to scold him later for being late, but then she decided that whatever was troubling him now was ten times more scarier than her yelling at him.

And as for poor Draco Malfoy himself, he had ran into a group of Draco Malfoy Fan Club members on his way to meet the Head Girl for patrol, and was immediately ambushed and attacked. It was an experience he wish he could forget, but alas, it was difficult to forget at the moment when the very girls were chasing after him with Pansy Parkinson in the lead, screaming "DRACO-POO, I LOVE YOU!" at the top of her lungs.

What Draco did know was that he needed a place to hide, and he needed that place fast.

He ran into a particular corridor, almost missing Hermione completely in his eagerness to get away from his fan club. He skidded to a halt and doubled back, stopping in front of her. "Granger," he gasped, out of breath.

"Malfoy," she greeted him innocently, her eyes still on the page. She pretended to check her watch before adding, "You're late."

"I bloody well know that I'm late!" he snapped irritably. Today was just not his day.

Hermione blinked up at him, speechless. This was the first time that he had actually agreed with her on something, and it was just too incredible to be true..."Hold on," she said, holding up a hand. "I have to take in this feeling."

"What feeling?" Draco demanded impatiently.

She took a deep breath, looking like she was simply enjoying torturing him. "This feeling. You, agreeing with me, that you're late for patrol. It's just - "

"Okay, I get the point!" Draco interrupted. He swore he could hear the footsteps of his fan club now, dashing madly toward him... "Just shut up and come with me!"

She opened her mouth, but he didn't give her the time to speak before he snatched her arm and dove into the nearest broom closet with her in tow. Draco hurriedly locked the door, even magically locking it just to be safe.

"Malfoy, you do realize where we are?" Hermione's voice sounded rather close...Too close for his liking.

He shuffled uncomfortably, realizing that a broom closet was probably not the best option. But it had been the only option at the time, he reminded himself. "I had to find a place to hide," he muttered into the darkness.

"From your fan club?" Hermione guessed, shifting so she was as far away from him as possible - which wasn't very far, considering that they were hiding in a cramped broom closet.

Bloody hell. Hermione heard him curse under his breath before he said weakly, "Unfortunately, yes."

"I guess being popular has its quirks, huh?" Hermione commented, not feeling sorry for him at all as she reached a hand toward the lock. In fact, she would definitely enjoy his fan club glomping on him while she watched from a corner. She suddenly wished that she had a bucket of popcorn with her.

Draco let out a shriek and lunged for her hand, preventing her from opening the door. "Don't open that door, Granger! Whatever you do, just don't open it!" he yelled. He was getting desperate, which was not good, because Malfoys never got desperate.

Unfortunately for poor Draco, his yelling caught the attention of his fan club. He cursed under his breath, wishing that he had thought to silence to room too before they got in. But it was too late - someone in the fan club had enough sense to use their wand - and soon Hermione blinked as light flooded into the closet. "Ew, what is this!" she yelped, staring at the nasty contents in the closet; they had been hidden in the darkness. She didn't even want to think about it...

"Ew, what is this!" Pansy Parkinson shrieked, pointing a finger at Hermione. "I thought you had better taste, Draco-poo! Snogging the Mudblood in a broom closet?"

Draco looked from Hermione to Pansy. The glare Hermione was giving him was deadly enough to kill, and he shuddered at being caught in such an awkward position with her. He knew that denying it would be even more suspicious, so he went with the next best thing. Besides, if it was believable enough, he might be able to get rid of his fan club for good!

Hermione didn't like the evil glint in Draco's eyes. He was plotting something, and she knew it. But what?

"The war's over, Pansy," Draco informed the Slytherin slowly. "It's time to set prejudices aside - in fact, we should be promoting house unity...starting with the Head Boy and Head Girl." He shot Hermione a nasty grin.

Oh, no. Hermione was not liking where this conversation was going. She wanted to get out of there as fast as possible before her reputation was forever ruined. She had a feeling that Draco was going to kiss her...

And, sure enough, Draco grabbed her by her arms and unceremoniously kissed her, hard.

"Omph!" Hermione managed as his lips crashed onto hers. She struggled and squirmed, but his grip was tight and the look in his eyes read Just go along with it.

Of course she was not going to go along with it. "Malfoy, you git!" she screamed, jerking away and slapping him across the face.

Professor McGonagall, becoming more and more curious, came over and stopped to watch the scene enfold. Merlin, I wish I had some popcorn with me, she thought, regretting that she hadn't gotten some over the summer.

"GRANGER, ARE YOU OFF YOUR ROCKER?" Pansy screamed shrilly, staring at Hermione with an accusing glare.

Hermione stared back. "Er...no? I consider myself perfectly sane, thank you very much."

Pansy and the Draco Malfoy Fan Club were glaring at her jealously. "How can you slap Draco-poo after he kissed you?"

Oh. So that's what she was talking about.

Unknown to the students, Dumbledore skipped merrily over and stood beside Professor McGonagall. "Look how much energy they have these days," Dumbledore lamented as he watched them, his eyes twinkling as he offered a bucket to the Transfiguration professor. "Popcorn?"

Professor McGonagall gratefully took a handful and popped some into her mouth. "Just what I needed, Albus. Mmm. But, wait, aren't they technically breaking curfew? I mean, it's past their curfew, which is why the Head Boy and Girl are out on patrol in the first place."

"Oh, yes, how could I forget? Ahem," Dumbledore coughed loudly, trying to break up the staring contest.

Hermione glared at Dumbledore for interrupting them. Pansy glared at Dumbledore because she had never really liked the Headmaster. The fan club members glared at Dumbledore for simply being there. Only Draco glared at Hermione, who was glaring at Dumbledore...Well, you get the point.

"Well, as you may remember - I hope - that it is past curfew, which means that house points will be taken, and detentions will be assigned. That is all," Dumbledore said hastily, becoming more and more nervous under the furious glares. "And, if you two don't mind, I would like to see you both in my office." This last bit was directed at Hermione and Draco.

Hermione had completely forgotten about curfew and why she was there in the first place. "Twenty points from Slytherin for being out after curfew!" she yelled before Dumbledore or McGonagall could take the points. McGonagall looked disappointed.

Draco was grateful that Dumbledore had requested their presence, meaning that his fan club wouldn't be able to follow him to Dumbledore's office. Hermione turned to follow Dumbledore, before pausing and adding, "Oh, and another twenty from Slytherin for inappropriate behavior!"

"Well, so much for house unity," Draco muttered under his breath as he hurried after the Headmaster.

"Popcorn?" Dumbledore offered cheerfully, holding up the bucket for the Head Boy and Head Girl.

Draco eyed the popcorn warily as though it would explode at any moment. "I'll pass, thanks."

"Honestly, Malfoy, it's not like the thing's poisoned," Hermione scoffed before she snatched up a handful. "See?" she stuffed the entire handful into her mouth and let out a satisfied sigh. "Mmm, this is good, Professor. Where did you get it?"

"I had the House-elves make it," Dumbledore said brightly, and Draco found that he was unable to stifle his laugh when Hermione practically spat it back out with a look of disgust on her face. She glared at him, but that simply caused him to double over with laughter. Merlin, he had never laughed this hard in a long time.

She pushed the bucket away. "I think I'll pass, too," she said.

"Isn't it a little too late, Granger?" Draco asked, his stomach still aching painfully from laughing so hard at her.

She elbowed him. She was still mad that he had kissed her without her permission in front of Pansy Parkinson and the Draco Malfoy Fan Club. No doubt they will now be targeting her, thanks to him!

Dumbledore coughed to remind them that he was still there. "Before you get into a lover's quarrel - "

"THIS IS NOT A LOVER'S QUARREL!" Hermione and Draco screeched at practically the same time. Poor Dumbledore had to cover his ears so that their shouting wouldn't break his eardrums.

"Moving on," Dumbledore continued, not daring to anger the un-couple any further. "You know, as the Headmaster, I have the power to pair the two of you up in some ridiculously difficult project or stick the two of you together with one spell or another - " He was enjoying the identical looks of horror on their faces. It was priceless. " - but, that would be very cruel of me - " at this, they both nodded vigorously, " - so, instead, I forbid you two to talk to each other ever again!" he finished dramatically.

Draco opened his mouth in shock. What had happened to Dumbledore's promoting house unity?

Hermione opened her mouth, but for a very different reason. "But, Headmaster," she protested, "How will we perform Head duties together if we can't even talk to each other?"

Trust Granger to worry about something like that. Draco scowled at her. She should be happy that they didn't have to speak to each other anymore!

"Ah, I have thought of that, as well," Dumbledore said, and held up his wand. "Behold, the great and powerful and genius telepathy spell!"

For a moment, nothing happened.

Hermione looked at Draco, and Draco looked at Hermione. "Did something happen?" Hermione asked him, but found that no words came out of her mouth.

Draco, however, heard her perfectly.

Yes, something happened alright! Hermione jumped. Merlin, was she going mad? She must be - why else would she hear voices?

Use your head, Granger! the same voice sounded in her mind. She froze, looking from Draco to Dumbledore and back again. "Professor, is this what I think it is?" she asked. Strange, she thought. She could speak just fine when she was addressing Dumbledore.

"Now you'll be able to sort out your problems without anyone overhearing! Isn't this just a splendid idea?" Dumbledore nodded, clapping his hands in excitement.

Draco had to chuckle at Hermione's use of language as she cursed Splendid idea my arse in his mind.

Hermione frowned. His chuckle meant that he had heard her thought, which meant that now he knew everything she was thinking, which meant that it was not a good thing. It was a very, very, very bad thing.

"If you will excuse me, I have very important matters to attend," Dumbledore continued, mistaking the silence for agreement. "Go on," he gestured the door.

Draco was eager to get out of the mad man's office, while Hermione followed a little more reluctantly. She wanted to ask him how to break the spell, but Dumbledore was already preoccupied with a stack of papers.

"And good luck with that fan club of yours, Mr. Malfoy," Dumbledore added as an afterthought.

Oh bloody hell. Draco had completely forgotten about them. He took a deep breath as he opened the door, dreading what was waiting for him on the other side...

A/n: This is an AU 7th year fic, hence the extreme OOCness and strange humor. I've read some hilarious au 7th year stories lately, and wanted to try writing one myself (rather than studying for my IB tests. Argh.) And this is the result.

In case it's confusing: Hermione and Draco can now communicate with each other telepathically and 'hear' what each other are thinking.

I solemnly swear that I will complete this story before working on anything else! but only if it's interesting enough to continue - so please review? popcorn for everyone! *throws popcorn into the air*