Hi everyone! I had this idea to explore what could've happened to Cas in the time after souls when he was living as a human. Oh, the countless possibilities! :)

This is my take of who he was and what happened to him.

It's really new to me, so hope you'll enjoy it and let me know :)

General WARNINGS (for the fic, not the chapter): language, M/M sexuality, explicit descriptions. Definitely M rating for later chapters, just so you know.

Sadly, I don't own SPN...

I got the banner for this story done by absolutely amazing Mistofstars, who's been a great inspiration when I got stuck along the way! Thank you, hun, you're awesome!

Chapter 1 – Who I am

Monday

I lie in my bed at night and think about how I came to being, think about who I am.

It was so cold. That is the first thing I remember. Being cold and thinking about being cold. I was lying on the sand soaking wet and naked and I shivered uncontrollably. The chill was bone deep, so deep in fact that I thought it couldn't have been caused by the breeze of late spring's night. My body shook in the futile attempt to warm itself and all I could concentrate on was the feeling of my bones freezing under my skin. It was that cold.

I couldn't do anything about it really. I lied there, shaking and hoping it would end one way or the other. I knew I must do something or I'd freeze to death, but dying seemed the easier option, so I just lied there. Even now, six months after all this happened it's hard to remember those first minutes of my new existence.

Then John came. I didn't realize it at first; I didn't understand what was happening. He put his coat around me and he got me to a hospital. Severe hypothermia was what they called it. It probably was, I haven't had hypothermia since and I don't remember having it before, but the freezing of my bones felt almost… inhuman. I know it's foolish to think this way, but I do nevertheless.

Next week passed in a blur. Apart from hypothermia, I was also poisoned. I remember doctors trying to do all they could, but I kept vomiting vile black substance every couple of hours. Nobody knew what was wrong with me, that much was clear. They spoke in hushed voices, but it didn't take a mind reader to notice they had no idea what was wrong with me and if I would get better or not. And just like that a week later the vomiting stopped and I felt better.

John came to visit me every day and although he didn't even know me, I saw his relief when I finally could keep some of the food down. Of course, that's when the questions started. They all asked me what happened to me, what I remembered, who I was… And all I could remember was being cold. How many people could tell they remember how they came to exist? I think about it sometimes. I mean of course I had to have a life before I woke up on the shore of that lake, but what kind of life could it have been if it ended with me stranded naked on the shore, remembering nothing at all? What kind of life could I have been leading if nobody was even looking for me? John told me the police checked all the missing people reports and I was not in them… So I choose to think I was born 6 months ago.

I am lucky really. John took to me as the father, he offered me to stay with him, until I was on my feet again. John is a middle aged catholic priest in this town and he lives in a small cabin close to the church. He gave me the spare room and helped me find the job. I stayed with him for 3 months until I left to rent my own place. I still come to have dinner with him every Sunday. I love John and I admire his faith. I suppose I should also have faith – God gave me a second chance and made it really easy. He gave me John, who was and still is my guardian angel of sorts. And yet I don't have faith. I believe there's God, but I can't bring myself to have faith in him, to take him into my heart. John has been very understanding, but I see it pains him I don't share his faith.

I work at the hardware store now. I like it there. It was a bit hard at first, I'm desperately socially awkward, but now I know everyone in town and I generally like almost everyone, so it's really ok. I get to meet new people as well, but not so much. It's a quiet town, we don't get many outsiders here. Well, apart myself that is.

I also like carpentry. My boss Mark is a carpenter and he's taken to teach me. He says I'm good with my hands and I love the feeling of making, building something. The roughness of wood to be molded into something new and beautiful fascinates me. I sometimes wonder what I did in my past life. I don't seem to have any skills at all. I learn quickly, but when I try new things they feel new. My doctor says my amnesia is so severe that even my skills might be lost, but I don't know… I mean I haven't lost all skills – I can talk and write but I don't seem to have any skills that could indicate what I used to do. It doesn't really matter that much anyway, at least I learn fast. I also like working in the garden. John has a small garden next to his cabin and I worked in it all through the summer. Seeing things grow also fascinates me.

So who am I? John suggested Emmanuel and it sounded alright. So I suppose that's who I am – I'm Emmanuel, the man who works at the local store, has couple of friends, likes building things and has no past. Even in my own mind it sounds… foolish. But then again, I don't want to think of the man I used to be. I know nothing of that man and I don't want to know. I like my life now.

And yet…

And yet there's a hollow in my chest that throbs painfully as if I'm missing something. There's a void in me and I don't know what could fill it. I miss something and that missing is so overwhelming that some nights, like tonight, all I can do is to lie in my bed and hope for sleep that I know won't come. That much I'd like to know. What is it I miss so much I can almost feel the pain of it even though I don't even know what that is? Really, what the hell is it?

/\/\/\

Tuesday

"Morning Emma!" I greet my first customer. Emma is the daughter of the local car shop owner and she's in the hardware store every few days. I like Emma, she is always kind to me.

"Morning Em." She smiles at me. She always calls me Em, she says my name is the mouthful. I agree, it is a mouthful, but I like it. "My old man sends me for that drill he ordered. The number 8."

"Yes, I have it here for you. Do you need anything else?"

"How 'bout that coffee?" She asks me blushing slightly. I've been promising to take her out for coffee for weeks now, but never got around to do that. Mark is always busy lately and I'm usually at the shop from open to close, Monday to Saturday. I have Sundays off, but I go to John and also do my things on Sunday, like shopping and cleaning and all those things. I don't mind working that much, there's not much that occupies my free time anyway.

"Well, Mark promised to let me out next Saturday. How about then?"

"Saturday's good." She nods. "But I will really speak to Mark one of these days – he overworks you!"

"No, it's all good." I tell her. We had this conversation before. I think Emma likes me and she really cares about me. I like her too, but I don't think I like her the way she likes me. She is very pretty, probably even beautiful. She's almost as tall as I am and she's very slender. She's got big brown eyes and full lips that sometimes distract me. She moves with gracefulness and ease of the dancer, although she's never been one. I think she would've been great at dancing. But she's a small town girl. She's also a daughter of the man who always wanted to have a son and so as a kid she learned karate and how to fix cars, not dancing. "How about I pick you up at seven on Saturday?"

"That sounds great Em." Her smile is warm and the look in her eyes is inviting. I really like her, but… The hollow in my chest throbs painfully and not for the first time I wonder if I might have the family somewhere. I probably don't, because surely they would be looking for me, right? But then what do I long for? Or is it – whom do I miss? I shake my head slightly and notice Emma looking at me sympathetically. "I did it again?"

"Yeah, you're weird that way." She grins "It's as if you switch out, you know?"

"I know… You'd think that for someone with only six months worth of memories it would be hard to get lost in his own head!" I laugh and she joins me politely, although there's nothing particularly funny about the way I sometimes doze off. I take the package I had set aside for her and give it to Emma. I'm glad there's a counter between us, because apparently sometimes I invade people's personal space. Not so much anymore, because I measure it by the width of the counter even when I'm not behind it anymore. It took me some time to get used to it, because I personally don't have an issue with people standing too close to me. John was patient enough to explain that people take it as an insult or they are simply uncomfortable when I'm too close. It's ok, people are weird that way. Or maybe I am. "I put the bolts I didn't have last time in here as well."

"Thanks! You always remember."

"I have a lot of free space on my hard drive." I tell her seriously and we both laugh again. You either laugh at this or you weep. I choose to laugh, at least when I'm conscious. I think I cry in my dreams, because sometimes I wake up and my eyes are sore and puffy. I never remember my dreams, even though sometimes I wake up from the sound of my own scream.

"I'll see you soon, Em. Take care."

"You too."

/\/\/\

Wednesday

Today entire town is shaken. It's a small town I live in. It only has around two thousand people in it and everyone knows each other, so no wonder that when one of their… one of our midst is killed with such brutality, everyone is shaken. His name was Dennis Burke. He's married and has three kids from four to sixteen. He was a good man and I regret his death deeply. I feel for his family so much it frightens me. It also frightens me that something stirs in my head when I first hear about it. Not a memory precisely, but some sort of… déjà vu.

John called me this morning to tell me what happened. He said Dennis went to a local bar that for some reason unknown to me is referred to as "Hunters'" after work. He had just been promoted and he wanted to celebrate before heading home with the good news. He met up with his friends and they had couple of drinks. Nothing excessive, Dennis just wasn't that kind of guy. He left at around ten and never came back home. His poor wife called Sheriff Turner after midnight, begging him to look for her man. It's a small town and everybody cares, so Sheriff actually did go out to look for Dennis. He found him a mile from home, by the road, still in his car. To be exact, what remained of him was still in his car and that wasn't that much… His insides were ripped out of him, but Sheriff didn't find them. He didn't find his right arm that was torn away from the shoulder. He didn't find the big part of his right thigh nor his penis for that matter. It looked a lot like an animal attack, but for the fact that the bite marks on his body were… strangely human like. Of course Sheriff will have to confirm that with the doctor, but he's fairly certain Dennis was attacked, ripped apart and chewed on by the human. So no wonder the town is shaken.

Today all the customers speak about Dennis. The horror of his death and the pity everyone feels for the family is overwhelming. I wish there was something I could do to help Nora, Dennis' wife. I wish I could ease her pain, but I don't have it in me to even look at her, so I decide not to go to the memorial service. I didn't know them well – just the usual hello and good bye stuff, nothing more, but I don't want to face her pain. John will have to do it and I don't envy him. Not today though. Today the coroner is examining the remains of what used to be Dennis Burke – the husband, father, son and simply a good man.

/\/\/\

Thursday

It's in the papers. It always is in the papers, when things like that happen. Now everyone knows and for some unknown reason I tense at the thought that this is getting out of the confines of the town. The outsiders, the others will know and somehow it makes me uneasy. It's foolish, I know, but there's a part of me that wants to keep this peaceful little town hidden from the outside. I am happy here, I feel safe here and I don't want the world to close in on this town. What a strange thing to think of. The world is always there, but to me it feels like this little town is a shelter in the storm. I don't know what kind of storm is raging there, but it pains me to think it might shatter my shelter. And it frightens me to think it might have already arrived.

/\/\/\

Friday

I don't want to believe this. I want to wake up and realize it was all just a dream. It isn't of course. Sheriff Turner found another body and this time it's someone I know. Brian Talbot is one of the few friends I made since my arrival. Brian is the one who taught me to play pool and open the foreign beer bottle on the table. Brian sat with me through Lord of the Rings marathon because I couldn't stand not understanding the references my other friend Tom was making. Brian was teaching me to drive, because I want to pass my driving test so I can finally have my own car. I liked Brian very much. Hell, I loved him really, he was a good friend. It hurts to think of what happened to him, how much he had suffered. How can I have faith when these things happen? How can anyone?

I'll go to Brian's mother's house later today, because I know her and I want to be there for her. I could avoid Nora, but I can't avoid old Mrs. Talbot. Brian's father has been dead for a long time, but his mother isn't. I can't even imagine the pain she's in. Tom will come for me at work and drive us to Mrs. Talbot's and we will both do all we can to comfort her, although really – what can we do? I feel so sorry for Brian I wish I could cry, but my eyes are dry and no tears ever come. I wish there was something I could do.

Tom picks me up and we go to Mrs. Talbot. We don't speak much on our way. There's not much to say and neither of us is a talkative one. Brian used to bring conversations to us, Tom and I simply joined in. The lack of Brian, the loss of him never seemed stronger than in that car ride. I notice Tom's eyes are red, I think he must've cried. Brian and Tom were friends from the childhood and even though he doesn't say a word I know that losing Brian is like losing brother for him. I am so sorry for his loss.

It's worse at Brian's. He was the only son, so now old Mrs. Talbot is all alone. I can see the horror and the weight of it has not yet sunk in to her by the way her eyes dart around and by the way she looks at the door every couple of minutes, as if waiting for Brian to come back. I feel my throat constrict at that and I hear Tom murmur soothing things to her. It's futile really, what can you say to a woman who just lost everything dear to her? He tries nevertheless and I like him even more for this.

"Tom, please…" She sobs. "How can this be? How can he be gone? Who could've done this to my boy?"

She's crying, tears rolling down her wrinkled, aged and paler than ever cheeks. I can't stand this anymore, I can't see this pain, but I can't leave. So I just step closer and I put my hand on her shoulder. I wish I could do something, anything to make it better for her, to ease her pain even a little bit… She snaps he had at me and stares me in the eye. Her eyes widened with shock and something I can't really understand.

"What have you done, Emmanuel?" She asks silently. She's not sobbing anymore.

I stare at her. Have I done something? I don't think so. I tell her that. "I haven't done anything, Mrs. Talbot."

She still stares at me. "I feel… I feel better. What happened?" I can see she's perplexed and now Tom is eyeing me curiously as well. I just shrug. I haven't done anything. I wish I could have, but honestly, what could have I done?

"I haven't done anything. I am so sorry for Brian, I really am…"

She nods, still looking at me perplexed. "Thank you."

I know she's not thanking me for my words, but I can't keep her gaze anymore. I let go and step back and she's wiping the remainder of her tears. She no longer cries and some part of me is just so glad that whatever happened helped her a little.

On our way to my home Tom is silent as usual. I don't speak either, because what is there to say? We both lost someone who glued us together and I feel I'm losing my only remaining friend. I'm sad and it hurts, but I have no idea what should I do. I am that socially awkward.

"We'll go for drinks Sunday night." Tom says unexpectedly and I stare at him.

"We will?"

"Yes. 'Hunters'."

"Ok." I mutter.

"What the hell did you do back there?" He asks me unexpectedly, but I just shake my head.

"I didn't do anything. I don't know what that was."

"Ok." He nods and we're silent again. "We're going to get wasted on Sunday, so you better tell Mark you'll be late Monday."

"I don't get wasted." I tell him, although he knows. He and Brian had tried to get me drunk, but I just don't get wasted. I guess my threshold is higher than theirs.

"You will on Sunday. It's a send off for Brian and we're gonna do it right. You with me?"

"Yes." I understand this. It's a good bye, a closure. John spoke to me about the need for closure and I understand it. "I'll tell Mark I need a day off on Monday, I'm sure he'll understand."

"He sure as hell should. He's been keeping you up there the entire time."

He pulls up at my place then. I look at him and I'm so grateful he tries to remain my friend, but I have no words to express this to him. So I just stare at him.

"We're ok, Em." He says. He knows me enough to understand what my silence means.

"Thank you, Tom." I mumble. "Be safe, ok?"

"You too."

I know there's not much of a Destiel here, but stick with me, it's going to be here :)

Hope you enjoyed, L.