Author's note: I do not own anything from Gintama. I'd really appreciate your reviews. This story is raw and unbetaed, please be advised. I apologize gomen nasai sumanakatta for the super late update. I was overworked in the past month and had lost the inspiration to continue this fic. Nevertheless, it has returned, the prodigal muse. Still pretty shabby though. And fuck plagiarism, don't even try to do it. This chapter is kinda weird. I don't have a good explanation. Thank you for the feedback. Moaaar. :]

Chapter 3: Day 1.5

Their first stop was at the beach where, strangely enough, everyone was a friggin' couple; but the more horrific fact was that each person, be it him or her lying on the sand or frolicking in the waves, was butt naked.

"NUDE COUPLE BEACH!" Gintoki was normally excited by something so breathtaking. Simply the idea of watching women in their birthday suits was rewarding. Then, he felt nauseated, remembering his eager companion. She asked him to go ahead and wait for her near the shore. Wrinkling his nose, he dreaded the idea of seeing her undressed. Worse, she might have a few filthy activities planned out. It was only day one and he was already drowning in fear and regret.

He felt overdressed in this place. Glancing down, he wondered if he should take his shorts off. It was a bad idea since it served as his chastity belt, the sole defense against the stalker woman's grabby hands and wicked intentions. He considered dressing in winter wear, but the scorching heat of the sun was difficult to ignore.

What a pain in the ass this vacation was.

"Oh Gin-san! Yoohoo! Over here~~!" He knew that bothersome voice.

Murmuring a quick prayer to the gods, he took his time pivoting on his heel to face her. What he saw almost sent him to cardiac arrest. He had to hand it to her, she was creative with her approaches. Even so, she continued to fail at amusing him.

Astonishingly, she wasn't completely bare. She had dipped her breasts in what looked like chocolate syrup. Her hips had two large cupcakes barely covering the front and back sides. She was dripping on the sand dangerously and he dreaded the moment when all the chocolate vanished.

He almost elbowed her away as a reflex when she moved to hug him. Jumping back instead, he held up in palms in front of her, hoping she would start explaining herself.

Dipping her hands on the syrup, she took a lick and then offered the rest to him with what appeared to be an alluring expression. As usual, it repulsed him.

"Ahahaha! Later! Later!" He waved his hands feeling incredibly stupid. People were glancing at them, intrigued by their appearances. A wave of irritation hit him. Wasn't it time to go yet?

Was he going through hell and this was only the first circle? How many goddamn stages were there again? Fucking Dante hadn't even shown his face around here. The temperature of this place certainly matched the inferno.

"Gin-san! Rub some sun lotion over my body, pretty please!" The stalker woman in glasses was sitting on a beach blanket, protected by a large, colorful umbrella. She was sticking out her back to him and opening a bottle of sunscreen.

There had to be a way out of this. Grabbing the first person he could reach, he was surprised to see a naked little boy.

"Do you even have a girlfriend? How old are you?"

"Four!" The toddler giggled, holding up two fingers from each palm.

"What the hell are you doing in a nudist beach?" How could a kid be here? He almost fainted when he saw another toddler, a butt-naked young girl, building sandcastles on the shore.

"Four!" The boy kept nodding.

"Is that your girlfriend?"

"Four!"

"UGH, I need your help. You must rub some lotion over that strange lady's back."

"Four!"

"I'll give you two cupcakes, one each for you and your cute little girlfriend. Bonus, you can lick some chocolate syrup after. Do we have a deal?"

He almost flung the baby away when it continued to hold up its fingers and exclaim the same word. It did, however, exceed expectations as it spread the lotion on Sacchan's back with the two peace signs on his hands.

"Oh, Gin-san, I never realized your hands were so soft and small, like a baby's!" Gintoki marveled at how everything went smoothly. She was unaware of his deception, sighing in content. "Keep going! Wow, you are amazing at this!"

He couldn't believe his eyes as the child started to draw disturbing images with the lotion, cackling maliciously at his work. When he ran out of balm, he scooped out some mucus from his nostril and used it to paint more symbols.

The characters looked like text taken straight from a curse book. His suspicion increased when the child grew some horns and a tail. It kept on chanting, "FOUR FOUR FOUR FOUR…"

Alarmed, he kicked the kid to the deep end of the sea. A loud hiss could be heard as it sank to the bottom. The little girl screamed and ran on top of the water, trying to fish out her, uh, boyfriend with a large red fork.

What in *bleep*'s name was that?

"Gin-san? Is everything all right? I know my sexy nakedness is making you nervous. Don't worry, for some couples, it can be awkward at the beginning…"

He slapped the beach towel on her back and scraped out the writings. "Ahahahaha! Yes, yes, today's making me really nervous."

"I'm anxious too. Maybe there are too many people around. I can't-" She was wiggling and covering her face. "Eek! I can't take it, Gin-san! I'm just too shy~~… If- If they see us doing this- Ahh! It's so embarrassing!"

Gintoki reconsidered bringing back the demon child slash Antichrist to drag her to hell.

"Let's go to our room. We- We can do married stuff there without being embarrassed. Kyaa!"

Married? Who the hell said they were married now? He was really going to ask that little boy to continue his favor.

That night, she eagerly jumped on the bed, wearing a thin cream nightdress. This was the moment he was truly dreading. Patting the area beside her, she called out excitedly, "Over here, Gin-san! I- I'm ready~~!"

"I think I'll stay on the couch tonight," he declared but found her arms wrapped around his waist as she dragged him to the bed.

He fell on top of her, making her blush. As usual, she misinterpreted the situation. "Oh, my, you're so bold and eager! O- Okay, do whatever you feel like doing! Ahhh!"

This woman was making something out of nothing. He had no desire to spend the night doing whatever it was she had in mind. Where were Shinpachi and Kagura when he needed them? Why wasn't Zura or Madao popping out of nowhere like always?

He felt hopeless as he saw her wrap his arms around her shoulders and secure them with handcuffs. She had kidnapped him and forced him to do her bidding! This was just like in the novel, Misery, and he was not looking forward to having his leg and thumb cut off. He possessed no writing talent to save his life!

"Gin-san…" She actually looked nontoxic with her eyes closed, snuggling against his chest. "Good night…"

Taking one last experimental tug at the cuffs with no luck, he resigned to giving up for tonight. It was about time he got some sleep after the life-threatening ordeals he had gone through.

"Good night," he mumbled, to no one in particular.

Author's end note: Um, please be advised that it's possible that I might not update within the next 6 weeks. I really have to prioritize my exam. We'll see. To kurasuchi, thanks again! Sorry for the late update. :P