A/N I thought I was done with the The Unexpected Journey story. I don't even know how this happened. Actually, I *do* know how it happened: A reader asked for a third and final part with a specific prompt and... 30,000+ words later, I now feel I am done with this story.

In order to get the most from reading it, please ensure you have read The Unexpected Journey Correlation (chapter 13) and The Unexpected Journey Resolution (chapter 14) before reading this chapter. (Don't worry - the first two are only about 7000 words long!)

At some point, I think I'll separate the three out into a trilogy for ease of reference.

But this one... oh my, this one... This is the longest one-shot I've ever written. It's taken me months and includes p.o.v.s I've never attempted to write before.

I'm so happy I wrote it, yet also very nervous.

This fic incorporates certain storylines from season 9 of TBBT but gives them a different flavour. A very different flavour...

Hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you thought :)

EDIT: To be clear, I am not done with the Shenny Cooper for the Win series; that will continue. It is the Unexpected Journey three-part arc which has been finished. Sorry for any confusion caused.

The Unexpected Journey Conclusion

Leonard was too short to be the hero.

Too asthmatic. Too near-sighted. Too flatulent around dairy.

He'd swallowed that unpleasant truth a long time ago, and told himself it didn't matter.

What mattered was that he was a good guy.

And someday, some hot, kind, smart girl would see that.

The two friends stood side by side in front of the notice board, frozen in a tableau of horror.

"Duuuuuuude, this is so not good!"

"Thanks, Captain Understatement. I realise that!"

"What are we going to do?"

"Give me a second to think, will ya?"

"Well, think a little faster Captain Crabbypants – 'cos here he comes!"

"Crap!"

"Oh! I've got it: distract him with ice-cream!"

"What?"

"You got any better ideas?" Raj hissed just as Leonard stepped within earshot.

Howard leapt backwards, plastering himself against the board and spreading his arms wide.

"Heeeeeeeeey, buddy!"

Leonard side-eyed him. "Uh. Hey?"

"Raj and I were just discussing how long it's been since we had a sundae. You wanna go get some ice-cream? My treat!" He smiled winningly.

Leonard squinted his eyes at him. "You're being weird. And I'm lactose intolerant."

"They also do a divine raspberry sorbet," Raj chipped in encouragingly.

Leonard shrugged. "Okay, cool. Just let me check my email first – I've got a shipment coming from ebay. I finally beat TheRealFrodo1986! Son of a bitch outbid me on the Star Wars curtains, but I got the last laugh: he's going to look pre-tty-darn-stupid without the matching pelmet." He smiled smugly as he scrolled through his emails... then fell silent.

Howard and Raj watched as his face slowly changed. "Leonard?"

"You okay, buddy?"

"I, uh, have to go." He started to walk down the corridor.

"Leonard, what about your sorbet!" Raj called. But Leonard was gone. "Howard, he looked awful! Do you think he saw the poster?"

"No, I don't think he saw the poster." Howard pulled his phone from his pocket and quickly brought up his email account. He made a sound of frustration and showed the screen to Raj. "They sent out a faculty email!"

"Oh, nooo!" Raj cried. "What does it say?" He peered over Howard's shoulder.

"Same as the poster." Howard gestured at it, looking defeated. "There's going to be an award ceremony here at Caltech for the latest recipient of the Copley Medal – Dr Sheldon Cooper. Attendance at the ceremony is mandatory for faculty members in the PMA, CCE or EAS divisions."

Raj was wincing. "Was it the same picture?"

"Yep." Howard popped the "p" with gallows humour. "Not just Dr Cooper – his lovely fiancée Penny will also be in attendance."

The two of them slumped against the wall, looking down the path their friend had taken.

xxxx

Amy hummed to herself contentedly.

Her research had finally turned a corner. She had found demonstrable indicators that healthy adults with a larger orbitofrontal cortex tend to greater optimism and less anxiety. Most exciting was the potential of this discovery – that you could train someone to respond more positively to stressful events, a hypothesis she'd formulated years before when she helped Sheldon overcome his debilitating need for closure.

Even the thought of Sheldon couldn't blunt her happiness. Ungrateful exes were nothing compared to interest from the American Journal of Neuroscience. If she could validate her findings, provide enough data, well... who knows? She allowed herself a brief daydream of receiving the Gruber then giggled at her silliness.

Leonard entered the lab mid-giggle.

She couldn't have been more pleased to see him.

He'd never been a particular favourite of hers; though not exactly stupid, he lacked Sheldon's brilliance and oozed insecurity. Worse, he'd had an annoying habit of drawing Penny's attention away from her. But once Sheldon had heartlessly abandoned her, and Amy had stopped being dazzled by that wolf in gold fleece clothing, she'd come to appreciate him more.

She'd realised the two of them had more in common than she'd previously thought. Both had been emotionally stunted by overbearing, under-affectionate mothers. Both suffered from acute myopia. And both had been stabbed in the back by the people who claimed to love them most.

Besides, he still counted as a scientist – here was someone who could appreciate her success!

"Leonard!" She beamed. "Come see what I did!"

He remained standing at the door.

"You haven't heard."

"Heard what?" she asked happily.

"Sheldon won the Copley Medal. He's coming back to Caltech to receive it." He paused, but before she could even begin to process this statement, he continued: "He's bringing his fiancée with him."

Amy hadn't realised her knees had loosened until she began to sag; she grabbed hold of the counter to stop herself from falling. When she spoke, her voice seemed to be coming from far away. "What?"

"Sheldon and Penny are getting married." Leonard's tone was emotionless. Blank. Detached. "I didn't want you to find out in front of other people."

He left as suddenly as he'd arrived.

Part of her brain filed that last piece of information away for later perusal. She could be grateful for that, for that consideration that meant no one was watching her now.

Another part noted there had been no warmth in Leonard's tone. No comfort.

The floor was hard against her knees; she didn't recall letting go of the counter.

She could be grateful for his consideration, except that it meant once again she was left alone.

With nothing but the brutal reality of his words, echoing over and over.

xxxx

"Penny!" Raj admonished his friend. "How could you not tell me you were coming!"

Penny looked apologetic – if a little pixelated. He really needed to get a new router. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but we only just found out Sheldon had won, and turns out it's traditional to present the award at the winner's llama mater."

"You mean his alma mater?"

"That too," she replied.

"But... hasn't Sheldon got a bunch of alma maters? Why does it have to be Caltech?" Raj complained.

Penny inhaled deeply, her face earnest. "Because it's been more than a year, Raj. And we had to come back some time. We're not looking to cause any trouble. Or push anything on anyone. But... Caltech was Sheldon's home for a long time. He deserves the chance to receive his award there. Besides," her tone was wheedling. "Aren't you just a little excited about seeing me?"

He managed to resist for about point six seconds then his voice burst forth in enormous excitement. "Of course I'm excited to see you! I can't wait to have a proper catch-up and admire that beautiful rock in the flesh." He peered at the screen in an ineffectual attempt to bring it into better focus. "I still can't believe Sheldon gave you his Meemaw's ring." He sighed dreamily.

Penny looked amused. "Are you kidding? The second Sheldon told her he was thinking of proposing, she had it out the family safe quicker than a raccoon on a squirrel."

Raj scrunched together his eyebrows. "Sheldon's family has a safe?"

"Well, they call it a safe. Really it's a combination lock and his Meemaw with a shotgun."

"Meemaw shoots?" Raj asked in shock.

Penny gave him a "duh" look. "Raj, it's Texas, everybody shoots."

"Oh. Right." Raj nodded sagely. "So when will you be arriving?"

"June third," she replied.

"Will you be staying in a hotel?"

"Actually, that's the other reason I Skyped you." She looked a little sheepish. "Since we haven't been back in so long, we didn't want to try and cram everything in, so we're going to be around for a couple of months." Raj's eyes rounded in surprise. "Sheldon worked out it would be cheaper than a hotel if we got a short-term lease."

He blinked. "You're looking for an apartment?"

"Yeah. And I have to find a place that somehow combines mine and Sheldon's idea of stylish and also meets Sheldon's list of requirements. Not to mention contains his new 'singular location in space around which revolves his entire universe'." She rolled her eyes then saw Raj's perplexed expression. "His new spot," she clarified. Raj could hear Sheldon's voice complaining in the background. She turned her head away from the screen to yell. "Yeah, I know you already had a perfectly good spot, but unless you plan on Ocean Eleven-ing the couch out of Leonard's that's basically a bust!" The complaining voice fell silent. Penny turned back to the screen with a gritted teeth smile.

Raj nodded sagely. "Well, good luck with that bag of crazy."

"Weeeeeell..." Penny's expression was wheedling again. "I thought maybe you could help us narrow it down a little if I sent you the shortlist..? Maybe take some photos for us 'cos Sheldon doesn't trust the filters...? Come on, pleeeeease? You were always so good at Love it or List it!"

Raj couldn't help smiling. "I do combine the best qualities of Hilary and David," he mused.

Penny was looking hopeful. "Is that a yes?"

"That's a yes!"

They both squealed excitedly for a moment then Penny clapped her hands together. "Okay, great! I'll email you Sheldon's Provisional Provisos List. FYI, you'll need at least twenty megabytes of free space for the images." When she saw his startled look, she continued in resigned tones. "Sheldon's discovered Pinterest."

"So, Bernadette, what brings you to the biology lab? Are you visiting Howard?"

Bernie watched as Amy carefully adjusted the head of the laser then walked back over to the control to set it off.

The laser went straight through the centre of the replica head. There was the smell of synthetic material burning.

"Uh... just in the neighbourhood. What are you working on?"

"I'm calculating the exact depth and heat needed for a stereotactic laser to cut around the human scalp so that the skull cap pops off like the top of a Pringles tub."

Bernie eyes widened behind the protective goggles Amy had handed her. "Oh. That's... nice. Is that part of your OFC project?"

"Nope." Amy made an amendment on the pad she was holding.

Bernadette winced. "You've heard then."

"Which part?" Amy didn't look up from the pad. "That my jelly-bellied ex-boyfriend has returned to town without so much as a heads-up? That my former best friend is going to be by his side while he receives an award that, let's face it, I will have had way more to do with him getting than her? Or the fact that that straw-haired, Junior College dropout is wearing a ring that should have been on my finger!"

Bernadette took a step back.

Amy dropped her shoulders. She removed her goggles with trembling fingers.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to turn She-Hulk on you."

Bernadette patted her shoulder a little awkwardly. "That's okay. I think in this case it's pretty understandable."

Amy's smile was bitter. "Especially the green part, right? I thought I was doing better with this. I was doing better. But then..."

"Then you found out they were engaged," Bernadette finished her sentence for her with a sympathetic expression.

Amy nodded unhappily. "I invested all those years in Sheldon. I was patient and supportive even when he was a total child. Because I had a five-year plan. And we were right on track. Then he broke up with me. But I figured that was okay. I ran a psychometric test using his personality traits and previously recorded data, and I knew within three months he would be back. That we would get back together, absorb the time delay and carry on to our happy-ever-after. I even included his precious Nobel Prize in my plan: in my projection, we win it together. I accounted for everything! ...Everything except Penny." Bernadette said nothing. "You know, I always said to Leonard they were much closer than he realised."

Bernie blinked. "You thought they might cheat?"

Amy shook her head. "No. Just getting Sheldon to hold hands with me took three years. Attempting coitus took even longer and wasn't successful. Penny and Sheldon were annoyingly protective of one another but their carnal appetites were opposite ends of the spectrum, so their relationship presented as a brother-sister paradigm. Their closeness was irritating, but there was never any danger of it turning romantic." The corners of her mouth turned down. "Or so I thought."

She sounded a lot like she used to, Bernadette realised with a pang. Detached, clinical – covering her emotions with science.

Losing Sheldon – or maybe it was losing Penny? – had made her regress.

Those two had a lot to answer for.

There was the sound of a horn honking. Not impatiently; more the casual action of a driver who's aware the meter's running so feel free to take as long as you want.

"Y'all want help with the bags?"

Sheldon opened his mouth, but Penny cut in, smiling brightly. "It's okay – between my man hands and Sheldon's knowledge of physics, I'm sure we've got it sorted." She watched the look of chagrin cross his face but felt no regret. Sometimes it was just quicker to pre-empt the Sheldon Show.

Not to mention fun.

Besides, there was always the possibility he was actually going to ask Mrs Cooper to carry it all – Sheldon still had a tendency to expect his mom to fix everything in his life.

Though now Penny had lived with her, she got why.

Mrs C. was looking tolerantly amused, more than used to their quirks by now. "Okay, then. Now, you call me the second you land, you hear?"

Sheldon nodded. "We will. You will water my cacti the requisite amount as laid out in the In Absentia Schedule, won't you?"

Mrs C. rolled her eyes a little but smiled sweetly. "I surely will." She turned to Penny and wordlessly held out her arms. Penny flew into them, trying to blink back her tears. Sheldon hated seeing her cry, and he was already twitchy at the incoming change.

"I'm gonna miss you, girly," Mrs Cooper said, as she pulled back and tucked Penny's hair behind her ear.

Penny smiled and kept her response short, not trusting herself to speak: "Me too."

Mrs Cooper turned to her son and pulled him into a brief embrace. She smoothed his hair back from his forehead. "You too, lamb chop." He nodded, face carefully smooth. Her hand shifted down to cup his cheek. "I'm proud of you, Shelly."

He smiled a little at that. "Thank you, Mother." His head cocked a little. "You're displaying atypical behaviour from previous occasions. Usually you're pleased at the idea of me returning to Pasadena."

She shrugged airily. "Well, the Good Lord moves in mysterious ways. I guess I got a little used to the two of you bein' around. Matter of fact, not entirely sure what I'm gonna do without you." She busied herself straightening a crocheted chair cover. Her tone was brusque but her eyes were suspiciously bright.

Sheldon was looking at a loss; he didn't cope well with his mom being upset either.

Penny took hold of the wheeled suitcase with one hand and tucked the other through Sheldon's arm. "We'll be back as soon as we can," she promised, and meant it.

Oh, God. She needed to get them out of here. This was proving even harder than she'd thought it would be.

She gazed round the cosy house with its hokey knick-knacks and Bible quotes. It was the last place she would have figured for a haven, but it had been one when she needed it most.

Realising the tears were in danger of spilling over, she tugged gently on Sheldon's arm and pulled him out the front door.

Watching the door close hurt a little but she reassured herself for the millionth time that this wasn't a permanent goodbye.

They loaded their luggage into the trunk and moved towards the front of the car. She'd been prepared for Sheldon to call shotgun and prepared to let him have it, but he surprised her by silently climbing into the back with her.

Penny leant forward and spoke to the cabby. "Galveston Express, please."

He started the car.

Sheldon was looking crotchety. "I still don't see why we have to fly there."

"We're not just flying there," Penny pointed out reasonably. "We're getting the ferry to Houston, and then flying."

He shot her an annoyed look. "You know very well that's not what I meant."

"Travelling by train takes almost two days," Penny replied, in the flat tones of someone who's had this conversation several times before. "And we'd still have to drive part of it."

"Well, why not drive, then?"

"Because you don't have a car, and my car is in the shop," she reminded him.

"I told you thusly!" Sheldon's arms were folded. "I told you thusly years ago to get your engine checked!"

Penny rolled her eyes. "Wrong car, Sheldon. It's the company car that's in the shop, remember?"

"Of course, I remember. I have an eidetic memory." Sheldon's tone managed to be both lofty yet clearly convey the word "duh". "Neither of those pieces of information changes my original statement that I informed you thusly about the Cabriolet on repeated occasions, and that if you had heeded me sooner, the Cabriolet would still be on the road, and the laws of probability render it hugely improbable that it would have required a visit to the shop at the same point in time the company car required one. In conclusion: it's your fault we're in this mess."

Penny was close to losing her temper... but then she noticed his expression.

She re-engaged her Sheldon filter.

He could be difficult as hell, but there was always some kind of logic to it. A Sheldon reason.

Her tone softened a little. "Okay, sweetie, what is it? What are you really nervous about? I know you're not scared to fly, so what's going on?"

"I simply prefer trains. They are methodical, elegant and soothing. Only a total plebeian would prefer to fly," he replied. His tone had never been more snooty... but his eyes refused to meet hers.

She weighed his expression. "And you need soothing." It was a statement, not a question.

Then she got it.

She slipped her hand into his and squeezed lightly. "I'm nervous about going, too, sweetie." His expression remained slightly haughty, but after a moment she felt the brief but unmistakable feel of his fingers squeezing back. "But it's just for a few months. No one says we have to stay. Besides, don't you want to see Raj? Oh! And the comic book store – and Stuart comes as a pair with that so it's a two-for-oner." He gave a sort of "meh" shrug at that so she wracked her brains for other examples that wouldn't trigger not-so-great memories. "Or we could go see the train store – you've always said the one here was sub-par..."

He turned to stare at her, baby-blues wide. Then he leaned forward and yelled at the cabby. "What are you waiting for? Step on it!"

Raj opened the door and beamed when he saw Howard on the other side. "Hey!"

"Hey, what's up?"

"I'm researching recipes!" he said excitedly.

Howard immediately questioned his decision to come over.

"I'm writing a shopping list," Raj continued, happily oblivious, "for a dinner party next week and I'm theming the whole menu! Kedgeree and poached eggs to start, and something called," he looked at his notes and sounded the words out uncertainly, "'Toad in the Hole' for the main."

"Oh, man – can't we eat something normal for once?" Howard whined. "When are you going to get over this British food obsession? There are American chefs, you know. And ours aren't eighty-years-old."

"Okay, first of all, Mary Berry is the new Nigella Lawson but classier. That lady is a goddess in the kitchen-" He lowered his voice, eyes sparkling. "But still has a twinkle in her eye that makes you wonder about the bedroom." His voice turned stern again. "Second of all, the dinner party is not for you so keep your judgy-mcjudgy voice to yourself."

Having not at all wanted to go, Howard immediately took offence. "What do you mean it's not for me? What kind of dinner would you have that wouldn't include me?"

"It's a 'welcome back to L.A.' dinner," Raj replied airily. "You and Bernadette already live here. Inviting you wouldn't make any sense."

Deep suspicion descended. "Who are you welcoming back, Raj?"

Raj suddenly became very occupied with his pen and customised ring binder. "Sheldon and Penny."

"Sheldon and Penny?" Howard asked in disbelief. "You're having Sheldon and Penny over for dinner? Here? In Leonard's apartment?"

"No, of course not here!" Raj huffed. "We're having it at their place. I'm bringing the food. And may I remind you, this is my apartment, too! We pay equal shares of the rent." He sniffed.

"Sooo not the point here, Raj." Howard ran a hand down his face.

Raj looked a little guilty but still defiant. "Sheldon and Penny are our friends," he pointed out.

"They were our friends," Howard shot back then felt a pang of remorse as the words left him. Raj was giving him full-blown wounded puppy eyes. "Okay, so maybe they kind of still are but… come on! You saw what the email did to Leonard. How do you think he would feel if he knew you were going over there and having a cosy meal with them?"

Raj busied himself with his pen again. "I wasn't planning on telling him."

Howard gazed at him, open-mouthed. "So now you're lying to him, too?"

"I don't see it as lying," Raj replied loftily. "I see it as reapportioning the truth to everyone's benefit."

"That's a ridiculous thing to say," Howard scoffed.

Raj gave him a pointed look. "That's what you said last month when you let Cinnamon take the rap for eating Bernadette's granola bars."

"That's different," Howard objected. "Cinnamon's just a dog – lying about her doesn't matter."

Raj grew even more outraged. "How dare you! Cinnamon is very sensitive. Her laying down was very downhearted for the following week."

"Look, can we park your concerningly co-dependent relationship with your dog for a minute and deal with the fact Leonard's gonna hit the roof when he finds out?"

"I wasn't planning on rubbing his face in it," Raj said. "But, they're my friends, too. They're all my friends." His expression turned forlorn. "I don't want to choose between them. Please don't make me."

Howard sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Fine. I won't tell Leonard. But this is so not going to end well."

"Hold the elevator! Hold the elevator!" Bernadette rushed down the hallway barely keeping hold of her pamphlets.

Times like this she cursed her four foot eleven frame; a taller woman would make that distance in half the time, and every second counted right now. If she was late to dinner with Mrs Wolowitz again she'd have to listen to passive-aggressive whining for the next month.

Not to mention what Howard's mom would say.

The closing doors suddenly reopened and her heart swelled with gratitude towards her saviour as she breathlessly hurled herself between them.

She looked up to thank them with beaming smile… then dropped the pamphlets when she realised it was Penny.

A Penny that was all tan legs, sparkling eyes and glowing skin.

"Hi." Penny's smile was surprised but unmistakably so full of joy that Bernie felt her own lips tug in response until she pressed them together.

She bent down and started gathering the dropped papers. Penny joined her and helped, placing the last of them on top of the pile.

The impulse to say thank you was automatic. She repressed it.

"What are you doing here?" she asked instead, as they got to their feet.

"I've been doing some sales for the Texas branch, and Dan gave me some work while we're back in L.A. I guess there was more than one client in this building. Or he got confused with the roster..." She shook her head a little as if realising she was rambling. "Bernadette… How about a drink?"

xxxx

"Hey!" Howard slid into the cafeteria seat with an excited expression. "You seen who's with Siebert?"

"Oh, my God!" Raj's spoon was suspended in mid-air. "Is that Tom Abel?"

Howard nodded rapidly, beaming at his friend. "Uh-huh. He's visiting from Stanford."

"Oh, really? Wonder what brings him here." Leonard's tone was only mildly interested.

"The Goddess of prosperity and good fortune has wafted him here with her many arms," Raj breathed.

He was using the kind of reverent tone he usually reserved for cheeseburgers or extremely hot women... or an extremely hot woman holding a cheeseburger.

Leonard looked bemused. "What's the big deal? You've met way more famous physicists than him."

Raj pointed his spoon at him. "You bite your tongue, you unbeliever!" His gaze turned dreamy once more. "Tom Abel is the reason I got into astrophysics in the first place. His research on primordial star formation and the build-up of the first galaxies has been featured in Discover and National Geographic, not to mention shown on PBS and The Discovery Channel. I've looked up to him since I was a kid."

"No kidding? You should go talk to him." Leonard's expression managed to be both encouraging and mocking.

Raj looked scandalised. "I can't do that! Mortals aren't allowed to approach the Gods. It always ends badly for them."

"That's Greek mythology." Howard pointed out. "From what you've told me, Hindu gods love to mix it up with the little people."

"Tom Abel isn't Hindu," Raj objected.

Howard rolled his eyes. "I know he isn't. I was just- Look could you just pick an analogy and go with it?"

"No need." Leonard's gaze was fixed over their heads. "They're coming over..."

"Meep!" Raj's eyes went huge.

"Dr Hofstadter, Mr Wolowitz – this is Dr Abel from the Kavli Institute for Particle Astrophysics and Cosmology." Siebert was using his most boastful tone. "Dr Abel I'd like to introduce you to Dr Koothrappali, one of our brightest astrophysicists. He discovered the planetary object beyond the Kuiper belt in 2008 and also won the Newcomb Cleveland Prize."

Dr Abel was shaking a boneless Raj's hand. "I remember – People's '30 Under 30 to Watch'." He spoke with a pleasant, faintly German accent. "Good to meet you, Dr Koothrappali."

Raj took so long to reply Howard started to worry he'd regressed into mutism again but after swallowing hugely he managed to stammer a response. "Th-thank you so much, sir. I hugely enjoyed your recent podcast on Cold Accretion in Early Galaxy Formation and Its Lyman-Alpha Signatures."

Dr Abel's eyebrows rose a little. "Words in the English language that I imagine aren't commonly placed next to one another." He sounded amused.

"Dr Hofstadter also won a Newcomb Medal, and he and Mr Wolowitz here have both worked closely with Stephen Hawking," Siebert continued.

"Ah, very impressive." His eyes twinkled as he shook both their hands. The two of them automatically sat up a little straighter, looking pleased. He turned to Siebert. "Well, Frank, I am duly piqued. Between these three and the always impressive Dr Cooper, I can see you have a very strong case for the donor grant. But you can't suppose I would give my endorsement to Caltech over my own university?"

Siebert raised his hands with a smirk and a "what are you going to do?" air. "Not officially, of course. Stanford must have that. But there is more than one stream... And you accepted my invitation to come here."

Abel's mouth quirked. "Well, Dr Cooper's breakthrough with quasiparticles and its application to monopoles will of course have a net effect on all theories of cosmology. I admit, I was curious."

Siebert smiled, like a cat scenting cream. "VIP seats at the award ceremony. I'll arrange a personal introduction..."

Abel laughed, but Howard and Raj were watching Leonard, whose expression was souring by the second.

"VIP seats, you say?"

Siebert nodded. "In the inner auditorium."

Raj's brow rumpled. "Inner auditorium? Since when does the Beckman Auditorium have two sections?"

"Since we used temporary partitioning to separate it out," Siebert replied. "The actual award-giving and champagne reception will take place in the inner part." he explained. "Only family, close friends and esteemed colleagues will be attending. The ceremony will be projected onto a screen in the outer auditorium to the remaining guests."

"Why are you doing it that way?" Dr Abel asked, politely puzzled.

Leonard spoke up quietly. "Because Dr Cooper has requested no more than thirty-six adults be present to avoid the risk of dying in a stampede."

Siebert's gaze rested on him a moment. "That's right. That was his condition for attending the ceremony and accepting the award."

Dr Abel's mouth quirked again. "A stampede? I had heard Dr Cooper was... unusual."

Siebert's mouth twisted. "That's one word for it. Word of advice? Don't let him come into the bathroom with you."

xxxx

"That's all you're drinking?" Bernadette eyed Penny sceptically, legs primly crossed, both to help keep her balance on the stool and also to make sure she didn't flash her Good Girl at passersby.

True, it was only ten after two, but the bar was offering two-for-one on cocktails. Not to mention... it was Penny.

Penny looked up from her soda with a questioning expression then seemed to catch on.

She rolled her eyes in amusement. "You try living with Mrs Cooper for a year – the only alcohol she keeps is the rubbing kind, so whether I wanted to or not, I dried out. And… I dunno, I guess I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would. And, gotta say, exercising is sooo much easier when you're not hungover."

"So you're teetotal now?" She couldn't keep the amazement out of her voice.

Penny snorted, inadvertently sending liquid up her nose. She snorted again with laughter and wiped it off with the back of her hand.

The carefree action made Bernadette's lips tug up again.

"Of course not! I moved to Texas, not Ohio."

And there it was. Penny was the first to make reference to it.

It cooled what had been a warming atmosphere and also gave Bernadette the opening she needed.

"So you still live in Galveston? You and Sheldon aren't moving back to Pasadena?"

"Well…" Penny played with her straw. "We haven't decided yet. We were living with Mrs C. but now we're-" She sucked in a little gasping breath. "Now we're getting married, we wanna start looking for our own place. Then we got news about Sheldon's award, and we knew we'd need to come back here for a while, so Raj found us a place while we're here. After that…" She trailed off, shrugging, with a "who knows" air.

"But the award's just one day," Bernadette pointed out, startled and dismayed to hear how long they were staying.

Penny grimaced. "Not so much. There's a whole load of stuff that goes around it. Plus, they want him to give some lectures, and there's a few conferences. And he's going to oversee a panel." There was an unmistakable note of pride in her voice. "Not to mention there are a looooooot of photos involved. Turns out physicists are real media whores." She brightened. "Which gives me a good excuse to go shopping!" She made a little noise, half-excitement, half-longing. "You've no idea how much I've missed California's shoes."

Bernadette smiled with false sweetness. "That's nice you've been reunited with what's most important to you."

There was a pause.

"Of course I didn't just miss the shoes. I missed you – I missed all of you."

Bernadette's smile only widened. "Sure you did. That's why you left without speaking to anyone first. That's why you left us all hanging for hours, not knowing where you were. Not knowing if something awful had happened. Because of how much you cared about us."

Penny winced.

"Bernadette, you know how sorry I am for that. I told you how sorry I was."

It was true. She had.

By text.

An irritating part of her brain pointed out that had been her choice, not Penny's. Penny had tried calling several times. Bernie had refused to pick up.

She'd been too hurt.

Too angry.

Too confused.

So Penny had started texting.

She'd sent thousands of texts the first few months. Some Bernie had replied to, some she hadn't.

Then Penny had texted that she and Sheldon had gotten together, and she stopped replying to any of them.

After a few months more, Penny stopped trying.

Totally irrationally, it had hurt her hugely.

Penny was still talking. "I get that you must have been shocked. And mad. And disappointed in me. Believe me, leaving like that is not something I'm proud of. But I thought... given time, you'd be able to forgive me. And be my friend again."

The sadness in Penny's tone sent a wave of guilt through her.

Not least because the real reason Bernadette had been so mad sounded much more petty.

Part of her wanted to leave it as it was. To have the higher ground and have Penny believe her objections were totally altruistic... but the rest of her, the part that had missed Penny so much, that had been so hurt, wanted answers more.

"It's true you did a horrible thing," she said slowly. "But I could have gotten past that. It's not what you did that hurt so much, Penny." Penny's gaze locked on hers. "It's that you did it all without me. Without talking to me about it first. Or after. You didn't even call me. You called your family and let them know that you weren't going through with it, but you didn't even think to call me."

Penny was shaking her head in denial. "I couldn't. I knew I should. But I couldn't. I knew if I spoke to any of you, I wouldn't be able to go through with it, and I just… I had to get away. I couldn't…. I couldn't breathe." She shook her head again, face darkening with remembered pain. Her hands were trembling round her glass.

Bernie fought back against her own emotions, jaw firming. "Since when am I 'any of you'? I thought we were friends – I thought we were best friends. But we can't have been if I knew so little about what you were feeling. And planning." She was losing the battle; tears were pooling in her eyes. Her throat tightened.

Penny's hand shot out and grasped hers. "We were friends. We are friends! And I swear it wasn't like that – it wasn't planned. I didn't even know what I was doing until I'd done it. I didn't know where I was headed until I got there. I was really messed up. And I didn't know how bad until I got out."

There was that guilt again.

It wasn't fair.

Penny was the one who should be feeling guilty, not her.

"You could have talked to me," she repeated stubbornly, removing her hand from Penny's grasp to wipe the tears away from under her glasses.

Penny looked horribly sad. "Actually... I couldn't."

Bernadette pressed her lips together. "Why not? Because I was so hard to talk to? Are you saying this was my fault?"

"It was no one's fault," Penny replied quickly. "It was just the way it was. There's always been stuff that was hard to talk about in our group. And talking about Leonard with you was one of them."

"Why?" Bernadette asked baldly. Penny stalled by taking a couple of gulps from her glass so Bernie deliberately pressed her. "Why, Penny?"

She sighed and surrendered. "You and Howard… well, somewhere along the way talking to one of you became talking to both of you. And he's one of Leonard's best friends. We were all so closely tied together, you know? And I didn't want to put you in the middle of it. And... and I wasn't sure you'd be able to see it from my side."

"I was your friend a long time before I met Howie," Bernadette pointed out, voice chilly.

"I know that. But things change."

Bernadette was affronted. "What do you mean? I didn't change. I was always on your side."

"Yeah, you did." Penny was looking rueful again. "I mean, yes, you were my friend, but you were also Howard's wife, and out of those two things, your marriage came first." Bernadette hadn't realised she'd started puffing up with indignation until Penny made soothing gestures with her hands. "Honey, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. That's how it's s'posed to be."

Bernadette deflated a little, mollified, but her brows drew together. "You think I put Howie before you?"

Penny hesitated. "Can you honestly say there haven't been times that's happened?"

Bernie's body reacted before the rest of her did, stomach dropping to her toes.

A memory erupted with painful force.

There was a time that had happened. When Howard had made her promise to keep a secret Leonard had told him. A secret she'd never told to Penny, even though it broke every girl code in the book…

The guilt returned with a vengeance, scouring her insides.

She sucked in air to fend it off. "Okay... I guess I can see why maybe you didn't feel like you could tell me when you were here, living with Leonard. But... why didn't you try later? After you'd left?" Penny gave her a pointed look. "Try harder, I mean. Your texts never went into any of that stuff."

Penny exhaled. "Well, I guess that was me being selfish. I was happy. For the first time in a long time. I didn't want to go back into all the crappy stuff. I just wanted to stay in the simple place a while, you know?"

"You needed to leave to be happy?" However mad she might be feeling towards her, it still stung like heck to hear that Penny had needed to be away from them to feel happy.

"Yeah." Penny nodded. "It had gotten so hard with Leonard... there were so many fights. I guess I didn't realise how much I needed the headspace. Not until I finally got it. And it was so easy with Sheldon. So easy to just... be. I wanted to hang on to that."

"But Sheldon drives you crazy!" Bernadette objected.

Penny giggled. She giggled! "Yeah, he really does. But... I don't know... I guess it's the right kind of crazy? Like... fighting with Leonard always made me feel drained. Fighting with Sheldon... It kinda makes me feel alive." She pulled a face. "That probably doesn't make any sense."

Actually, the frightening thing was, it kind of did. And Bernadette really didn't know what to do with that.

She remembered the conversation she and Amy had had with Penny years earlier, when Penny had said she wasn't sure about her future with Leonard. ("Maybe it's a different, boring kind of love?") Penny had remained in the relationship after that, gotten engaged even, but she'd never really seemed sure.

And Bernadette had never pushed her on it. Never asked if she was really happy.

She couldn't help but compare Penny then with Penny now. Couldn't help but compare her certainty. Her serenity.

Neither of which had anything to do with her.

"I'm sorry." She hadn't realised she was going to say that until the words were out.

The taller blonde blinked. "Why are you sorry?"

She couldn't tell her the full reason why, and that secrecy chafed more now than it ever had.

Which only added to the feelings of guilt.

"You hadn't been happy with Leonard for years. You basically told me and Amy that, and I guess… I guess I must have been a bad friend if you never felt like you could talk to me about it."

Penny shook her head emphatically; her hand covered Bernie's again. This time the contact was welcome. "Honey, we've already covered why I couldn't talk to you about it. Besides, it's kinda hard to talk about feelings when you're in total denial. If I didn't know, why should you?" She smiled at Bernadette.

Amy had once referred to Penny as a "luscious, golden-haired Amazon"; Bernadette had given her the same mildly alarmed look she gave whenever Amy revealed her worryingly intense girl-crush, but, secretly, she knew what Amy meant.

Penny was beautiful and perfectly proportioned, and at five foot five, hardly a giant, but she towered over Bernadette, and even topped some of the guys.

It was one of the things Bernadette had loved about her.

She loved her Tushy-Face Howie with every petite bone in her body, but he wasn't exactly butch.

There was something about being hugged by Penny that made you feel totally enveloped. Safe, and warm.

Even Sheldon had liked her hugs, or at least tolerated them, which basically amounted to the same thing since he didn't allow things to happen he wasn't happy with. (And wasn't that an interesting clue they'd all missed at the time?)

Anyway, the point was... the point was...

Her shoulders slumped. Her lip started trembling. "God, I missed you, Penny."

Penny's eyes were suspiciously shiny. "Me, too."

Wordlessly, Bernie held her eyes arms out, like a child seeking comfort.

Penny smiled through her tears then leaned forward.

Her arms wrapped around her, and Bernadette sighed.

xxxx

"Heeeeeey, buddy!"

"Leonard's home!"

Raj and Howard greeted Leonard's entrance into the apartment with exaggerated good cheer.

He nodded at them but didn't speak or slow down en route to his room.

"Leonard, wait!" Raj called after him. "I made spotted dick for dessert, would you like some?"

There was the sound of a door closing.

"Spotted dick?" Howard turned to Raj in exasperation. "Spotted dick?"

"What?" he asked in a wounded tone. "It's a British delicacy."

"Yeah, well it sounds like a British STI." Howard pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Howard, he looked..."

"I know." Howard hung his head.

They'd seen that look a few days after the wedding that never happened.

They'd seen it again when they'd had to tell Leonard where Penny had gone.

The last time they'd seen it had been the day they'd noticed the boxes and realised Penny had given up 4B for good.

Raj and Howard had turned to Leonard with wincing concern but Leonard had seemed largely indifferent.

He'd even been kind of cheerful to start with – when the pretty brunette moving in had greeted them on the stairway… until her equally friendly boyfriend joined her.

After that, he had sunk back into his black gloom, and Penny and Sheldon had become a verboten topic once more.

Howard sometimes thought a good chunk of the reason Raj had moved in was concern that Leonard would fall into a depression.

He hadn't, but it had taken a long time to get things back to a place where they felt vaguely normal.

Or as normal as things could be, with Sheldon and Penny a couple.

With Sheldon and Penny no longer in their lives.

He spoke his thoughts out loud.

"I can't believe they're getting married..."

"I know!" Raj's dreamy tone suggested they really weren't on the same page. "Penny asked Sheldon, you know. Went down on one knee at CERN. Sheldon flipped out because she'd ruined his plan to propose there; they had a screaming row in front of the Collider then Penny yelled, 'Fine! You do it then!' and he said, 'Very well', and produced a flawless princess-cut emerald that belonged to his Meemaw. I watched it on Youtube. Someone filmed it. People were crying… It was adorable." He sighed happily then caught Howard's look. "But that is not important. Leonard is what's important."

Howard exhaled slowly. "He seems really down. I think this calls for desperate measures."

Raj cringed. "Box set?"

Howard nodded. The first few months after Penny left, Leonard had turned to creature comforts and binge watched the same programmes over and over, ruining them for the two of them.

Raj nodded, looking stoically determined.

They got to their feet and walked to Leonard's bedroom, tapping on the door.

"Leonard? Fancy a box set binge?"

"We were thinking about having a sci-fi marathon..."

"With or without spotted dick," Raj added.

Howard shoved his shoulder.

"Thanks, guys." Leonard's long-suffering voice came through the wood. "But I'm not really in the mood."

"Not even for Babylon 5?" Raj dangled.

There was a pause. "But you guys hate Babylon 5. You said it was the Aquaman of the deep space shows."

Howard nodded. "Yeah, but... we like you."

The door opened. Leonard settled his glasses on his face. "Okay, fine, but we're starting from the pilot."

Raj shot Howard an agonised look.

"Hi, Raj!"

For the first time in far too long, Raj received an armful of beaming, fragrant Penny.

He inhaled her vanilla scent and hugged her close; he'd missed her warmth.

It felt like they'd gone longer without it than the year she and Sheldon had been away.

She pulled back from him then looked beyond him, eyebrows raised in surprised enquiry. "Oh! Penny – this is Claire." He slipped an arm round his date's waist, making no effort to hide his joyful smugness. "She's my lady friend. I thought we could make this a double date!"

"Oh! Sure!" Penny smiled. "Welcome to our home." She stepped to one side and swept one arm out in a gesture that both invited them in and invited them to take a look.

Raj peered round with interest, even though he'd seen the apartment several times and basically furnished it before they moved in. (Sheldon had always been surprisingly laissez-faire about finances, which had allowed Raj's interior design muse to run free.)

The apartment was an overhauled 1950s dingbat with an updated interior but a few overhangs which Raj had played to by including gorgeous vintage touches like the Tiffany table lamp in the corner; a winning combination that had caused Penny to coo at how kitsch it was, and Sheldon to exclaim that it "was just like Clark Kent's Golden Age apartment as extrapolated from frames in Action Comics volume 430!". (As if that was an accident. Hah!)

Of course, there were a lot of new touches he'd had nothing to do with, too – like a brand new train set on the walnut coffee table, and an adorable pair of red bow-detail court shoes strewn by the bedroom door.

"The place looks great!"

"Doesn't it?" She beamed at him. "You did such an awesome job, Raj! Even Sheldon's pleased."

Raj ducked his head in a modest fashion. "Well, he gave me very clear parameters to work from. Say what you will about Sheldon, the man can produce a kick-ass mood board."

Sheldon materialised from the bedroom. "Of course, I can," he said. "I do everything well." He paused for a moment to neatly place the shoes together and shot Penny a disapproving look.

She bugged her eyes out in a vapid fashion. "Really? How about roller blading?"

Sheldon's eyes narrowed. "My legs are at least half a foot longer than yours! Gravity, friction and thrust were all working against me." His right cheek wildly twitched.

Penny chuckled and went up on her tiptoes to kiss the end of his nose. "Smile and greet our guests, sweetie."

Sheldon turned to face them with a Joker smile. "Welcome to our home." He looked at Claire. "You, too, are welcome, even though we have never met, and I wasn't warned you were coming." Penny slipped her hand into his, and the corpse-like smile relaxed a little. He turned to Raj. "Hello, Rajesh. I trust you are well? How about a hearty handshake to mark our joyful reunion?" He held out his free hand.

Raj grinned and shook it, and even went so far as to lean in a little so that he could slap Sheldon's back.

He neither cringed nor complained.

Penny smiled in a friendly way at Claire.

"Please, take a seat." Her suddenly upflung hand forestalled Sheldon even as his mouth opened. "Feel free to sit anywhere you want except for that side of the couch. Sheldon has a condition which means he can only sit there."

He frowned at her as he took his favoured seat. "Penny, I am not suffering from a physical affliction."

She spoke breezily. "I didn't say it was a physical condition, sweetie." She took the grocery bag Claire was carrying.

Claire smiled. "Thanks. Uh, is there somewhere I can go wash up?"

"Sure – it's the door on the left." She maintained her smile until the moment the bathroom door closed. "Okay, what's going on? What happened to Emily?"

"Oh, she's still around," Raj replied glibly then continued when he saw her look: "Penny, a free-roaming falcon such as myself cannot be tamed. He must be allowed to fly free... and mate with all the other hot falcon chicks."

Penny took hold of the inner flesh of his arm and pinched until it made his eyes water. "Ouch!"

He glared at her. Maybe he hadn't missed her after all. Before he could make his displeasure felt, Claire returned from the bathroom.

"Raj, sweetie." Penny batted her eyelashes at him. "How about we take the food into the kitchen and start cooking?" Sheldon stood up, too. "No, honey, you stay here and keep Claire company."

"But, Penny, you can't cook," he pointed out, frowning. "Cooking is one of my responsibilities in the relationship. Allotting the task to you would render our chore list out of balance." There was a pause. "Also, you suck at it."

"Fine, Raj will cook, and I'll fix us some drinks," she replied breezily. "Claire, what's your poison? Wine? Beer? Yoo-hoo?"

Claire looked amused. "Yoo-hoo?"

"Yeah. Sheldon kinda got me addicted to it... I got it in diet, too."

"Uh, just a glass of wine, please." She sat down on the far left of Sheldon.

"You got it."

Sheldon sat back down and turned to Claire, eyes narrowing in consideration. "Alright, let's begin. Acceptable topics of conversation include trains, flags and whether Rey is a Skywalker or a Kenobi."

"Sheldon..." Penny's tone was light but full of meaning.

He looked at her in inquiry then snapped his fingers. "Oh! My apologies. Claire, you may also submit an acceptable topics list and we will each issue vetoes until a mutually acceptable subject is found."

Claire smiled. "How about which side would win in a no-holds barred battle between The Avengers and The Justice League?"

Sheldon's eyebrows raised in a pleased motion. He turned to Raj. "Raj, you must keep this one."

Claire settled in, looking comfortable. Raj was the one feeling panicked.

He'd tried to give Claire the low-down on Sheldon before they arrived, but as everyone soon discovered, the description could never quite do justice to the reality.

He wondered if it exceeded even his Cool Falcon mode to leave Claire on her own with him, but the next thing he knew a supple but firm hand had yanked him by the collar into the kitchen.

Penny lost no time in making her feelings known.

"Okay, Raj, spill. What the hell are you playing at? From the way you were talking before, you and Emily were way beyond casual dating. What are you doing dating someone else at the same time?"

"Emily and I broke up for a while, and I met Claire at the comic book store," he explained. He grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Then Emily begged me to take her back. I agreed but let her know I would be seeing other people, too. She's cool with it."

Her arms folded; her hip cocked. "Raj, if you like Emily, you shouldn't play games. And it's not fair on Claire to see her out of revenge."

"It's not out of revenge," he objected then grinned again. "It's out of hot, steamy lust." Oh, crap. Now her foot had started tapping. "Come on, Penny!" He wheedled. "After so many years wandering in the desert, don't I deserve a little play time in the promised land?"

She looked disbelieving. And disgusted. "Are you seriously quoting the Bible at me? You're a Hindu!"

He gave her an equally incredulous look. "Are you seriously recognising that I'm quoting the Bible?"

"I lived in Texas for a year," she pointed out. "What's your excuse?"

"I've been best friends with a Jew much longer than that," he shot back.

They locked gazes then nodded. Silently agreeing to call that one a draw.

Her arms unfolded. "Sweetie, my point is, you seemed like you were pretty into Emily. And for more than just sex."

He shifted his feet a little. "I was. It's just... She's a little freaky. It's kinda intimidating."

One eyebrow went up. "And you're the poster child for normal?"

"Okay, point. So... you're saying Emily's the best I can hope for? That I should settle?"

Penny blinked, and then shook her head emphatically. "Sorry, no. No. That's so not what I meant to say. I don't want you in a relationship with someone you don't want to be with. In fact, I'd rather you broke up with both of them if neither of them feels right."

"But... then I would be alone," he said forlornly.

He did not expect the answer he received. "So?"

"Huh?"

"I said, 'So?'. So what if you're alone? There's tons of awesome things about being single."

He blew air out his lips derisively. "Like what?"

"Like no one complaining when you want to pumice your feet and watch America's Next Top Model. Like actually being allowed to watch America's Next Top Model without having to trade it for hours of Star Trek. Like being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it."

"Oh, please," he scoffed. "You've never been single for more than a day. You talk a good talk, but it's easy to say when you're not the person actually living it!"

Once again her response surprised him. She spoke calmly, even a little ruefully. "Actually, it wasn't easy for me to say it. It took me way too long to learn that lesson, and I just... I don't want that for you." She began assembling a tray of drinks as she spoke.

He blew air out his lips again. "Again, I refer you to the fact you've never actually been single. Even after you and Leonard broke up, you basically free-fell from one engagement to the next." He huffed crossly.

"Okay, first of all." She held up a finger. "Sheldon and me only just got engaged, and we were just friends in Texas for ages before we got together. Second of all." A second finger joined the first. "You really don't want to take my love life as a model 'cos for a long time it was a freaking hot mess. And third of all." She added another finger then used all three to poke him in the side. "Shut up!"

He half-yelped, half-giggled. "Penny! When did you become so violent?"

Her eyes gleamed with mischief. "Turns out Sheldon's really ticklish... Look my point is, I kinda wish I'd had some more time on my own before Sheldon and I got together. Time just being single. "

His brow furrowed, forgetting his own troubles for a moment. Penny had always seemed so happy in their Skype calls...

"Are you having second thoughts?"

"Of course, I have second thoughts," she replied calmly. "I'm marrying a man who hired actors to play the undead so we would have realistic targets in our 'zombie apocalypse contingency'. He is a one hundred per cent certifiable whack-a-doodle."

"Then... why are you marrying him?"

She grinned. "Because he is a one hundred per cent certifiable whack-a-doodle. Because he's so smart, I honestly think he's gonna save the world one day. Because even if he doesn't, and he just makes glow-in-the-dark fish or really bad eggs, he's still Sheldon. No one else on the planet can piss me off as much as him, and no one else on the planet gets me like he does. Those are my third, fourth and fifth thoughts. And they way outbalance the second ones." Her beautiful smile calmed his fears. "No, Raj – I'm not worried about marrying Sheldon. But I also know I got lucky. Sheldon lets me explore who I am, but I still think it would have been better to have figured that out on my own first." She pulled a "yeesh" face. "Mighta saved us a few Prank War casualties, too..."

Raj blinked in horror. "Casualties?"

"Yeah..." She chewed on the inside of her cheek, looking guilty. "Things kinda escalated after Sheldon pulled me out of bed for a dawn exercise. Long story short, after both of us ended up covered in green gloss paint and the neighbour's cat had to be shaved, Mrs C. called a halt. We were banned from watching TV for a month, and she stopped Friday Night Chicken for two weeks. I kinda wish she'd just kept the TV ban going instead..." She looked at Raj. "That is some damn good chicken."

"I get it – you don't want me to settle." He nodded sagely.

"I don't," she agreed. "But I also don't want you to be what Emily settles for, either. She seemed like she genuinely liked you, Raj, and it's not okay for you to lead her on." She punctuated each word with a jab to the chest, much harder than her earlier poke had been.

"Ouch! Penny! Quit it! My caramel skin bruises surprisingly easily."

The kitchen door opened. A twitchy Sheldon was on the other side of it.

He pinned outraged eyes on Penny. "We exhausted the acceptable topics list, and then Claire made a disparaging remark about Adam West's Batman. I made an excuse about checking on the drinks and exited the room so as to avoid detailing the manifold ways in which she was mistaken, lacking in subtlety and a giant weenie."

She balanced the tray on one hand and patted his cheek fondly with the other.

"You did good, sweetie."

He wore his Nice Guy label like a badge of honour, something to be proud of.

"Guys, I don't think I can make Dungeons & Dragons on Saturday," Raj announced as he sliced up his Beefaroni.

Leonard looked shocked, and Howard wasn't far behind... until he recognised Raj's too innocent expression and his eyes narrowed in sudden suspicion.

"What do you mean?" Leonard asked in disbelief. "You have to be there! You've got the Legend of Drizzt board and the pieces. That's the whole point! How are we supposed to combat the Wrath of Ashardalon without you?"

Raj gestured with his hands in a soothing fashion. "I know, I know! Don't worry. I'm not saying never – I just wondered if maybe we could move it to Sunday instead?"

"Why? What are you doing on Saturday?"

"Yeah, Raj," Howard's tone was deliberately goading. "What are you doing on Saturday?" As much as he didn't want the truth to come out, he couldn't resist needling Raj for putting him in this position in the first place.

"I have a date with Claire," Raj replied.

Leonard furrowed his brows. "Aren't you seeing her Friday night?"

"No, that's Emily," he said smoothly. And the crazy thing about their lives these days was that was actually highly plausible, as evidenced by the fact Leonard seemed to accept this excuse wholeheartedly, albeit a little grumpily.

"Fine. We can have it on Sunday. I'll Tivo Penny Dreadful."

"Great!" Raj beamed and went back to happily eating his very un-Hindu pasta.

Howard had just had the the uncharitable thought that he hoped he choked on it when Raj did just that.

Not in an oh-my-God-I'm-dying kind of way; more an oh-no-I've just-seen-who's-come-in kind of way.

Sheldon had entered the cafeteria, long fingers curling round the edges of his lunch tray.

His gaze fell on the three of them, sat at their table of old.

Raj and Howard froze and watched as his gaze met Leonard's.

There was the sense of collectively held breaths, and it wasn't just from them.

Then Sheldon nodded at each of them in turn and made his way to a small table in the far corner. He sat down alone and quietly began to eat.

But he did not remain that way for long.

Within a minute he'd been approached by a meek grad student with shy adoration in his eyes. Within two, a professor whose expression was little better had joined them. Within three, Sheldon was sketching equations in the air with his fork while a small but reverent crowd looked on.

Leonard watched with a sour expression, and then lowered his head and returned to his fish sticks.

Raj tried to divert his attention. "So, how's the experiment going, Leonard?"

His pursed mouth didn't relax but he transferred his gaze to Raj and his frown suddenly deepened.

"Raj, how much are you in touch with Sheldon and Penny?"

Raj gaped, and Howard suddenly became very interested in his chicken pot pie.

"What... what do you mean?" he asked.

Leonard's brow beetled even more until he was staring down his nose at him. "I mean exactly what I said," he spoke quietly. "I want to know how much you're talking with them." He paused and looked like he was bracing himself. "Have you seen them since they've been back?"

The question hung in the air like an unexploded bomb.

Howard knew his buddy's expressions well enough to know he was considering whether to lie or not but then his head dropped and he spoke the quiet truth: "We've spoken several times but I saw them for the first time last night. I went to their new place and cooked dinner." His eyes squeezed shut and he spoke in a rush, as if determined to make a clean breast of it. "And Sheldon and I planned to go kite-flying on Saturday."

"You went to Penny and Sheldon's for dinner!" Howard made a valiant attempt at looking shocked.

Leonard's side-eye suggested he hadn't been successful.

Raj's voice turned pleading. "Leonard, you know Penny and I stayed in touch after she left. You know we sometimes Skype... You seemed okay about it."

"That was when they lived 1500 miles away," Leonard pointed out in a weary tone. "Now they're two miles away, and everyone knows it. Do you know what it's like for me at Caltech? Everyone watching and pitying me. Everyone talking behind my back. It had finally died down, and then this award thing happened and all anyone can talk about is the Great Sheldon Cooper and his 'ridiculously hot fiancée'. Then people remember she was once my ridiculously hot fiancée, then it's all 'Sorry, dude. That must suck – what's it like for him to get the girl and the glory?'." His jaw tensed. "I want to move on, Raj, I do. But it's hard when it's being shoved in my face all day. I thought I had at least one safe place left. I thought I could rely on my friends." He looked at Raj meaningfully. "I guess not."

Raj looked genuinely distressed. "Leonard, you can! You can rely on me! I am your friend!"

"Are you? Because if you can see them like that and not see any problem with it, I'm not sure that's true."

"So... what are you saying?" Raj's voice was tiny.

"I'm saying, if you're friends with them, you're not friends with me."

Raj cringed. "You're asking me to choose?"

"That's right." There was equal parts pain and anger in Leonard's voice. "And if that's a hard decision for you, Rajesh, then I'm not sure we were ever really friends in the first place."

Raj looked beseechingly at Howard. He shifted uncomfortably but kept his face unsympathetic. "Come on, dude. It's the right thing to do."

Raj swallowed and turned back to a stern-looking Leonard... whose eyes shone with moisture.

"So, what's it gonna be, Raj – kite-flying or Dungeons and Dragons?"

Raj's shoulders slumped in defeat. He couldn't go against both of them. And Leonard had a right to his beef.

"I'll bring the kettle corn."

xxxx

"So, we're back to Skype dates, huh?" Penny's smile was a little sad.

Raj gave her a hangdog look. "Sorry."

She waved a hand. "It's okay. I get it. Leonard's kinda the injured party here. It's right that he gets most of the support."

Raj was impressed.

"That's very big of you, Penny."

She shrugged, trying to look careless. "All that love thy neighbour crap had to rub off sometime."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Speaking of loving..."

Penny leaned in a little, looking expectant. "Speaking of...?"

"Emily and I had a chat – we've decided to give it another go just the two of us."

"Raj, that's great!" Penny beamed. "What made you decide to go for it?"

"I don't know... I... I just thought about it, and I realised, maybe it's not a bad thing for me to have a little freaky in my life. I always play things safe, you know?" Penny nodded sagely. Raj leaned forward excitedly. "Okay, new topic. Which colour palette are we going with tonight?"

"I think teal and arctic blue," Penny said decisively.

"Ohhhhh! I like it. Under the sea theme. Very Little Mermaid. Okay." He cued up the Youtube tutorial and double-checked his manicure set was fit for purpose.

They watched in silence for a few minutes before Raj sighed mournfully. "I'm never going to have control like that."

Penny pointed her finger at the webcam, speaking sternly. "Don't you say that! Remember you felt that way about your cuticles, and you got through it."

He smiled and stroked her two-dimensional face a little wistfully. "You're right, Penny. We girls can get through anything."

Raj and Howard held a whispered conversation in the kitchen, glancing over every so often at the subject of their exchange; he was typing at his laptop with an abstracted expression.

"Dude, we need to do something, he's been weird and detached for days." He tilted his head. "You think more sci-fi would help?"

"He doesn't need more poor man's Star Trek," Howard announced. "What he needs is a three-dimensional distraction. Of the female persuasion."

Raj gave him a stern look. "Howard, we are not buying him a prostitute! Leonard would never be desperate enough to go for that."

"Hey!" Howard looked wounded. "You guys bought me a prostitute," he reminded him. "Are you saying I was desperate?"

Raj shot him a look. "Do you really need me to answer that?"

Howard's mouth dropped open. "Well, I was no worse than you! What about the time you carried on dating that deaf girl even though you knew she was a gold digger?"

Raj glared. "At least I didn't make it with a troll slash janitor called Glacinda!"

"No, you just tried to make it with your voice command program!"

"As opposed to using a robot hand to get a happy ending?"

"Green Orion slave girl!"

"Second cousin Jeanie!"

The two of them were toe-to-toe, chests heaving.

"Call it even?"

"Call it even."

Howard clapped his hands together and turned back to Leonard with a cheesy smile. "Okay, new plan! We're hitting the clubs."

"We are?" Raj blinked.

"We are?" Leonard looked befuddled.

"Yes," Howard said firmly. "We are."

Leonard seemed uncertain but intrigued. "What, you wanna go dancing?"

"Oh, I think there'll be a little more than dancing, my friend." Howard waggled his eyebrows.

"But, Howard, you're a happily married man, and I am now committed to my flame-haired goddess." Raj managed to sound both worried yet deeply smug.

"Okay, first of all, no one talks like that." Howard shot him a look of disgust. "Secondly, just because we can no longer taste the samples, doesn't mean we can't attend the buffet. And maybe we can even help Leonard pile his plate."

"Oh, I get it!" Raj was nodding joyfully. "We'll use our newfound confidence around women to lure them in then Leonard can chow down!"

"I honestly don't know whether I'm hungry or horny." Leonard looked both disgusted and amused.

Howard spoke in confidential tones. "Now you know how I feel around my mother's brisket."

Leonard's expression changed to full disgust.

He wore his Nice Guy label like a medal, something people should reward him for.

Leonard watched the scene unfolding with a sort of detached amusement.

For all their claims of newfound smoothness, Raj and Howard were crashing and burning as much as they ever had.

Women could clearly smell desperation, even when you weren't asking on your own behalf.

Raj shifted away from the group he and Howard were currently besieging to point over at Leonard; Leonard looked away, feeling awkward. He'd never been good at cold-talking to women.

His gaze fell on a girl dancing. Her brunette hair was braided on one side; she wore a simple white tank with a black tie vest and sinfully tight grey jeans. The effect was not lost on him.

But it wasn't her cuteness that caused his gaze to stay there. It was the way she danced.

Pure unbridled joy.

She had given herself totally over to the music in a way he could only admire. It took at least six drinks for him to become that unselfconscious.

He was only on drink number three.

She raised her arms over her head and gyrated her hips. The movement brought her round to face him.

He caught her eye and smiled.

For a moment, she smiled back… then her smile fell away and he realised where he knew her from.

It was Alice the comic book artist.

Alice who was both crazily hot and a total nerd.

Alice who had been terrifyingly and wonderfully into him.

Alice whose advances he'd had to refuse because he was in a relationship with Priya.

But he wasn't in a relationship now…

Chugging the last of his beer for a little Dutch courage he walked over to her.

"Hi!"

She nodded in acknowledgement but continued to dance, incidentally turning her back on him at the same time.

He tapped her lightly on the shoulder and she turned back around with an eyebrow raised. "Can I get you a drink?" he asked.

He was never normally this forward but it helped to remember how much she'd seemed to like him. It had bewildered him at the time but he couldn't deny how eager she'd been to get into his pants.

And right now, his self-esteem really needed a boost.

Besides, everyone else was allowed to be reckless, why not him?

"Come on." He smiled at her again; a genuine smile. "Just one drink."

She gave him a measuring look then nodded once, shortly.

Once he had their drinks he led them to a side table, away from the dance floor, where you could speak without yelling.

"So, how've you been?" he asked.

"Good, thanks." She nodded. "How about you? How's that girlfriend you never told me about?"

He chuckled ruefully. "We broke up."

"Huh." She took a swig from her beer bottle. "Can't imagine why."

"Yeah, well, you know what they say – one door closes and another one opens..." He looked at her, hoping she'd take the bait and run with it.

Her face was impassive. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm single now." He gave her his best, most winning smile.

Her face didn't change. "And?"

"And, I thought, we didn't really get a proper shot last time, but maybe, if you're single now, too, we could pick up where we left off?"

She shook her head a little, looking astonished. "Wow. You really don't get it, do you? I liked you Leonard. I really liked you. And that was a big deal for me. When I met you I'd just come out of a really crappy relationship. Had my heart totally broken. You were the first guy I dated. Because you seemed so nice... Then you turned out to be a horny asshole as well."

Leonard's heart sank with every word. "That's a little harsh," he said unhappily. "I stopped our thing before it went anywhere. An asshole would have cheated. An asshole would have actually had sex with you."

"Wow." Her smile was sardonic. "You think because it didn't go as far as full-blown sex, it doesn't count? That you did nothing wrong?" She propped her chin on her hand. "Is that how your girlfriend saw it?"

He rushed to defend himself. "Priya had already cheated on me. She'd had sex with her ex before I kissed you."

Her head jerked back. "So I was, what? Payback?"

"No, no, no!" He waved his hands. "I only found that out after I confessed to her about you. See? Good guy!" He tried the winning smile again.

She shook her head again. "Here's the thing, Leonard. Yeah, it's good that you confessed to your girlfriend, but that's not a get-out-of-jail-free card. Being able to apologise when you monumentally screw up doesn't make you a great guy. It makes you capable of basic social interaction." She caught his look. "And don't give me that crap that she cheated first, or that what she did was worse. Cheating is cheating. And you didn't even know what she'd done when you started dating me. And what about me, huh? Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend? You think it was nice for me to find out I was the other woman in this scenario? You made me part of your cheating. And I don't think you get how sucky that makes you." She drained her bottle and set it down. "Have a nice life, Leonard."

She was gone before he could begin to formulate a defence.

A few hours' later, he still didn't have one.

"Oh, shoot!"

"What?"

"Some of my face pack fell in the bowl!" Bernadette started giggling.

"Oh... Well, that's okay." Penny grinned. "It's edible."

Bernadette pulled a face. "I prefer my frozen yogurt without avocado in it." Then she bugged her eyes out a little. "Remember that time Amy accidentally swallowed some of hers, and then we found out she was allergic...?"

"Boy, do I... I had to be there when they administered the shot to her butt."

"Oh, yeah..." Bernie pulled a "yeesh" face. For someone who was scared to show any skin above the ankle, Amy could be surprisingly blasé about nudity.

Penny was quiet for a moment then- "I've been thinking about Amy. Maybe I should go see her…"

"Really?"

"Yeah." Penny looked a little uncertain. "What do you think?"

"I think it would be good for you guys to talk. But maybe let me… Let me talk to her first, okay?"

Penny felt pathetically grateful. "You'd do that?"

Bernadette shrugged, smiling. "Of course." Then she looked a little guilty. "Honestly, it would probably make my life easier if we could just have everything out on the table."

That made her look sad. "Amy doesn't know we're friends again?"

Bernadette took a swig from her glass. "No, she knows. I figured there's been enough secrets in our group."

"How did she… how did she take it? Was she mad at you?"

Bernie shifted her shoulders in a micro-shrug. "She wasn't thrilled. But she and I were never as close as you two were. So, I guess what I do doesn't bother her as much, you know?"

"But you're still friends? You didn't stop being friends?"

"We still hung out after you left," Bernadette confirmed. "But I was mad, and Amy was hurt, so we coped by not talking about it. By not talking about you or Sheldon."

Penny looked a little stung. "She just pretended I never existed?"

"Mmhmm. She's been sitting on things a long time. Honestly, I think it would be good for her to talk about it. Just… maybe prepare yourself that what comes out won't be pretty."

Penny nodded, looking a little wild-eyed.

"How about some more wine?" she asked.

"Your glass is still full," Bernie pointed out.

Penny drained her glass. "How about some more wine," she repeated, with a fake smile.

Bernie patted her arm sympathetically and refilled the glass.

Penny took a hefty gulp but then put it to one side.

"So..." Bernadette searched for a new topic, wanting to recapture the easy atmosphere from before. Then she smiled, eyes gleaming naughtily.

Penny noticed, and her own smile dawned.

"What?"

"What's it like being with Sheldon?"

Penny's smile turned ludicrously soft.

"It's great… and incredibly annoying. But mostly great." Her grin was almost full-blown goofy.

"No, no," Bernadette cut in, determined to stay on topic, "what's it like being with Sheldon?" She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Oh." The smile turned a little wry. "Well, I can't exactly answer that yet."

Bernadette's eyes rounded in shock. "You mean, you and Sheldon… haven't...?" She realised she was gaping. "But, Penny, what if you're not sexually compatible? That stuff always used to matter so much to you!"

Penny's expression turned fully wry. "I got over expecting mind-blowing a long time ago. It wasn't exactly world-changing with Leonard..." She pulled a face. "That was harsh. It wasn't bad with Leonard. Sometimes it was pretty nice. But even the times it wasn't so great, it didn't really matter to me. Because I wanted to be with him. Because I knew we cared about each other..." She pulled another face. "Of course, it would have been better if I'd realised part of the problem was that I loved Leonard but I wasn't in love with him."

Bernadette's hand jerked and wine slopped over the edge of the glass. It wasn't just her words, it was how matter-of-fact she was about it. "You didn't love Leonard?"

"Not how I should have done," she answered, looking a little sad. "Not how two people in a relationship should love each other. Sheldon helped me see that."

"He did?"

"Uh-huh. Of course, I didn't want to hear it at the time... As Mrs C. says, I can be stubborn as a mule on a staircase. I'm lucky Sheldon was more perceptive than I was."

Bernadette stared at her disbelievingly. Sheldon could be called many things. Genius? Sure. But perceptive...?

Penny didn't seem to have noticed and carried on talking.

"Of course, he's stubborn as hell, too..."

Bernadette was losing track of the conversation. "So he was stubborn about not having sex? Because he doesn't like being touched?"

Penny looked bemused. No, wait – amused. "Uh, no... that... that wasn't a problem. Sheldon's fine with touching." She smirked a little. "More than fine. It was both of us. We both agreed to wait."

Bernadette's mouth was getting tired of dropping open. "You did?"

"Yeah." Penny gave a little shrug. "We agreed to take things slow, and then after we got engaged, we agreed to wait until we were married."

"But... Sheldon's not religious. And neither are you."

"Yeah, but for all his science-is-all-that-matters-any-other-belief-system-is-pure-hokum crap, Sheldon's still a good Southern boy at heart." Her eyes were far away. "And I like that a lot better than I ever thought I would." She returned from wherever her daydreams had taken her. "Once we got engaged, he seemed a lot less bothered by the whole thing. It was me that said we should still wait."

Bernie was even more surprised. "Why?"

Penny shrugged again, looking a little embarrassed. "I don't know… I guess when it happens I just don't want anything else hanging over it. Anything that might make him feel bad..."

Bernadette watched her with a sense of wonder. "You really do love him."

The goofy smile was back. "I really do."

"So… you guys haven't done any stuff at all? Just kissing?"

"Oh, we've done 'stuff'." Penny smirked round the edge of her glass. "That's one of the reasons I'm not worried. Sheldon's a quick study. Besides, I caught him looking up sex guides on the internet. He told me he's compiling a list for our wedding night. Apparently so far he's memorised thirty of them…. Eidetic memories rock."

They started cackling.

Then couldn't stop.

By the time they'd wiped their eyes and recovered, they became aware Sheldon had joined them and was watching with head tilted.

"Fascinating. I recently saw a PBS documentary on hyenas. There have been extensive developments in deciphering the meaning behind their calls. Previously thought to merely embody a gesture of submission, they have now decoded the cries to indicate age and status within the pack. Judging by pitch and note frequency, your laughs indicate two aging matriarchs whose powers are fading."

Penny lobbed a cushion at him, but he was already gone. She smiled through her teeth. "And then he says stuff like that and suddenly not being able to have sex doesn't seem like such a hardship anymore."

xxxx

The microwave pinged loudly.

Bernadette closed the front door and called out from the living room. "Howie, you're not microwaving grapes to produce plasma again, are you?"

There was a short, guilty silence. "Noooo..."

"Good, because I'm the one who ends up scraping what looks like giant boogers off the sides."

Howard walked through from the kitchen and came to join her where she'd flopped down on the couch. "Well, what else am I supposed to do when I get home and you're not here." He wrapped her in his arms and nuzzled into her neck. "I was lonesome. Mmm, you smell tasty..."

"It's avocado face pack," she giggled.

"Mmmm," he said again, beginning to lightly nibble her skin. "Well, guaca-molé! I'll take a spicy little burrito to go..."

Bernie giggled again, still feeling the effects of the wine from her evening with Penny. One downside (or possibly upside) of Penny's changed drinking habits meant she had to account for a lot more of the bottle than she used to.

"Oh! Can we get some Mexican? Penny and I were so busy talking, we totally forgot to eat."

The nuzzling stopped. Howard withdrew his head. "Penny? You were with Penny again?" He gave her a disbelieving look.

"Yeah. So...?"

"So... don't you think that's a little disloyal of you?"

The warm wine feeling receded a little. "Disloyal to who?"

"Well... Leonard!" Howard faux chuckled, as if it was obvious.

Bernie frowned. "Me seeing Penny more than a year after Leonard and her broke up is disloyal?"

"Well, yeah!"

"Howie, I care about Leonard, I do, but we're not really that close. Not like you and him are. Not like me and Penny are."

Howard spluttered. "You and Penny are close? This is the same Penny I repeatedly heard you call a two-bit harlot whose dyed blonde hair you hoped would fall out from overprocessing?"

Bernie coloured a little from guilt. "I was hurt and mad. I didn't mean it. She and I have talked it all out. We're okay now."

"Yeah? Well her and Leonard haven't. And me and Sheldon haven't." He raised a hand to emphasise his point, looking ticked off. And bemused. "Does that not... matter to you?"

The guilty feeling increased.

"It does, but... well, imagine if it was the other way 'round. Imagine if Leonard had left Penny and ended up with Amy. Would you not be friends with him anymore out of loyalty to Penny?"

He made a scoffing noise at the back of his throat then folded and unfolded his arms. "Well, don't expect me to be friends with them."

Bernadette nodded a little sadly. "Just don't expect me not to be."

As always he tried to lighten the mood with a joke. He put his arm around her.

"What are we worrying about anyway? Give it a year and they'll have flamed out like a supernova. I mean, Sheldon and Penny? Come on..."

Bernadette shook her head, a little amused. "That's what you said a year ago."

"Hey." Penny's voice was flat with weariness.

"Penny, it is seven o'clock and you are not here. Even if we reheat the noodles there is a risk the hot dogs will not retain their structural integrity." This was Sheldon-speak for "where are you; I was worried".

"I ran into some car trouble," she murmured then winced.

"Car trouble?" Outrage thrummed through the words. "But it only just had a tune-up! I have a good mind to call Zangen for fobbing you off with what is clearly a defective model. Or perhaps it is the make that is at fault? I knew I should have done more research when they first gave it to you... but, Penny... this is a pay phone number. Why aren't calling from your cell? Is it no longer holding its charge? Maybe I should call the phone manufacturing company, too... Of course I'll have to brush up on my Mandarin... Perhaps I could prevail upon Howard to make the call. Curses! We're not speaking. How inconvenient... Well, with my intellect, I suppose I can wing it."

Penny decided she'd better cut in, before some poor schmuck in Beijing got an earful.

"Sheldon, stop! The cell's still holdings its charge – I was just streaming music, and it drained really fast."

He clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "I said on three previous occasions that you require an upgrade. Well, we'll deal with that once you're back home. Have you initiated the Repair Breakdown Protocol? There is a copy of it along with the recovery company's contact details in the glove compartment. Do you have sufficient change to call them? Perhaps we should ring off until you have made the call."

"Sheldon-"

The line went dead.

She rolled her eyes and hung up.

The phone rang a few seconds later, and she hurriedly began speaking before he could get going again.

"Sheldon, I don't need a repair guy. There's nothing to repair."

She could practically hear him frowning. "How can there be nothing to repair? You said you had car trouble meaning there is something wrong with the car, ergo there is something to repair. You've created a paradox, Penny. You know how I feel about those."

"There's nothing wrong with the car," she amended. "It just needs some more juice."

"Juice?" His voice hitched higher with each word. "As in, gasoline? As in, you ran out of fuel? How can that be possible when I know you carry two containers at all times, one pre-filled with fuel, and another empty one in readiness for filling on longer journeys?"

"I may have emptied the full one during my trip to Beverly Hills a few weeks ago," she admitted grudgingly.

"How could you empty the container on a two-hour trip?"

"I may have driven around for a few hours looking at mansions... then I may have gotten lost and not been anywhere near a gas station..."

"There was an excessive number of conditionals in that sentence, Penelope."

She rolled her eyes. "There is an excessive amount of condescension in yours, Sheldonia."

"Don't call me Sheldonia!" he objected.

"Would you prefer me to call you Moonpie?" she goaded.

Sheldon was now seething. "Well, clearly you haven't bothered to read the Protocol because if you had you would know our breakdown cover includes lack of fuel, even when the circumstances are foolishly self-inflicted, and therefore we should end this discourse so you can call them and arrange a pick-up and come home so that I can finally eat!"

She mimicked his snotty tone perfectly. "Actually, Dr Snootypants, I have read the Protocol and since I'm only a few miles from home I didn't want to waste one of our annual inclusive callouts on such a short distance."

"Then just what was your plan?" he interrogated.

"To call my pain-in-the-ass fiancée and tell him to come bring me a container of fuel. But you know what? He can stick it! I would rather push the damn thing all the way home then wait around on you!"

"Penny, even your Cornhusker stature does not hold sufficient strength to bring the car home by that method!"

"I know that, you jerk! And just what the hell are you implying about my size?" she yelled.

"That you are extremely strong considering the slightness of your frame but that even your commendable musculature would not be adequate for the proposed task!" he yelled back.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

A pause.

"So, are you coming to get me or what?"

"Of course I'm coming to get you! I'm just putting on my bus pants. Or perhaps you'd prefer me to contract influenza from public transport pathogens?"

Penny ignored this. "Well, good, then!" There was another pause. "Don't forget the portable seat belt I got you for Christmas."

"It isn't possible for me to forget it – I always keep it in my bus survival backpack."

"Oh, yeah... Well, I'm parked just off Broadway on San Fernando. You'll need to get the 780."

"Fine."

"Fine."

A longer pause. "Are you going to ring off now?"

"I could," he acknowledged. "Or we could remain in conversation until we are reunited." He rushed on in explanation. "Which would both while away the time and help keep my mind off the many bacterial infections to which I will be subjecting myself."

Penny tried to suppress her smile. She failed.

"Fine," she said gently.

"Fine," he said back, just as soft.

"Hi." Bernadette gave Penny a small but genuine smile.

"Hey." Penny's smile back was decidedly nervous. "Is she here?"

Bernadette moved to one side so that Penny could see Amy sitting primly on the couch; she was staring fixedly at the bookshelf with the corners of her mouth turned down.

"Thanks for letting us do this here," Penny said in a lowered voice.

"Consider me Switzerland," Bernadette replied with a slightly more fixed smile. Then she lowered her voice in turn. "Speaking of Switzerland, I have a giant bar of Toblerone in the kitchen and a bottle of red if the whole things turns to poop, okay?"

Penny's second smile was much more heartfelt.

Amy's resentful voice came over from the couch. "Historically speaking, when people wanted to make peace, they didn't stand at doors whispering secrets."

Penny hastily stepped forward. "You're right, Ames. I'm sorry.

"I think I'll leave you guys to it," Bernie said.

Amy's face immediately dropped its haughty expression; she looked panicked. "What? Why? Where are you going!"

Bernadette paused on her way past and squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. "I'll just be in the bedroom. If you need me, I can come out again. I just think this is a conversation you're better off having on your own, okay?"

"Okay..." Amy muttered, mouth turning down again.

Penny gingerly sat down next to her then angled her body as if to invite conversation. Amy didn't respond in kind.

"How have you been?" She internally winced at the small talk, wondering how she could even begin to bring the conversation round to everything they needed to talk about.

"Don't pretend you give a monkey's ass about me." Amy looked at her just long enough to snap then turned away again.

...or possibly things would come up on their own.

"Was it hard?" Amy's voice was iron-hard.

"Was what hard?"

"Was it hard to pretend to be my friend? Jenna Michaelson did it in Junior High for a week – just long enough to get my flash cards for and her friends for mid-terms. Once exams were done, she announced in homeroom how it had all been a joke and how difficult it had been to pretend all that time. But you-!" The words hummed with false admiration. "You managed it for years. I never knew you were such a great actress. And the planning that must have gone into it... All those subtle manoeuvres to get Sheldon and me where you wanted us to be. Clearly, we all underestimated your IQ. You were wasted at Junior College."

"Amy..." Penny was caught somewhere between insult and pity.

"Answer the question, Penny." Her voice was suddenly a little choked. "Was it hard to pretend?"

"I wasn't pretending," Penny replied softly.

"Sure you were." Amy sniffed with disdain. "You weren't really my friend. You said you were, but you weren't. Besties don't do that to each other!"

"We weren't besties!" Penny suddenly exploded, taking both of them by surprise.

Amy's head whipped round. Tears started to her eyes. "What?"

Penny hastily leant forward then checked herself. "God, Amy – sorry! That came out so harsh. But… but it's true. We weren't really besties. You decided we were, and I went along with it, but really… how well did we even know each other then? And the more stuff you did, the harder it was to say no. You'd always get so hurt. You didn't really give me and Bernadette a choice. Like the portrait, remember? Or how upset you were about Bernadette's wedding? We'd end up overcompensating to make you feel better."

"Excuse me?"

"Come on, Amy. You were Bernadette's maid of honour. How close would you say you were then? You think you'd really earned that role?" Amy's head jerked back. "But then more time went along, and we got to know you better. I got to know you better, and I liked you, really I did. It was just… a pressure sometimes. To do what you wanted."

Amy looked flabbergasted. "To do what I wanted? Are you kidding me? As if you weren't the golden cheerleader princess!" She somehow managed to gesture with her whole body rather than just a hand. It reminded Penny of her shimmying "it's a tiara" dance from long ago, but minus the joy. "But it wasn't enough for you to get the hot guy; it wasn't even enough for you to get the nerdy, nice guy. You just had to have the brilliant genius as well! You had to steal the man I loved. You had everything, and you took away the one thing that was mine!" Venom dripped from her tone, years' worth of feeling boiling out.

In spite of herself, Penny's heart went out to her. Even as anger flared at what she was saying.

She spoke evenly but firmly. "Amy, Sheldon's not a thing. He's not something you can have. You and him were over a long time before anything happened between us and-" She braced herself. "Did you really love him? 'Cos I gotta say, Ames, when you were with him, what I saw was someone who wanted to change a lot of stuff. Who wanted to change more than she wanted to keep. Did you love the weirdo genius who's obsessed with trains and has to knock in threes? Did you love the person who can forget to eat because he's too busy changing the world or totally gone in a book of cartoons, and either of those explanations is just as likely? 'Cos that's who I love, Amy. I love Sheldon's flaws just as much as his brilliance. Do you?"

Amy's chest was heaving, but she didn't look angry anymore, she looked like she'd been slapped.

Penny softened her tone. "I never set out to take anything away from you. Or to hurt you. I didn't know how to handle things at first. You kinda overwhelmed me. But I grew to really care about you. I wanted to be friends. That hasn't changed."

Amy burst into tears. "Then why did you stop?" she sobbed. "Why did you stop being my friend? Sheldon and I broke up, and you weren't there. You weren't there! You dropped me like a mycotoxin! So you must have already had feelings for him – you must have! Otherwise why would you choose him?"

Penny bit her lip. "You're right." Her voice cracked. "I'm sorry. I did already have feelings for him. But I didn't know that yet. And way before I had feelings for Sheldon, he was my friend – my best friend. So, yeah, I chose him in the break-up. I thought he needed me more than you did. And that our friendship was closer. I know that must hurt. I'm sorry. But I promise you, I never stopped caring about you. I just… didn't know how to bridge that gap after so much damage was done." She covered her mouth as her own tears started to fall.

Amy sniffled then wiped her nose on the sleeve of her cardigan, never more looking like a child. "Do you…. Do you think we could bridge it now?" Her voice wobbled.

Penny's smile started small but spread till she beamed. "Why d'you think I'm here, Ames?"

xxxx

"This is ridiculous. This is my apartment! Why am I stuck outside of it on the wrong side of the door? I'm going in." Howard reached out for the handle.

Raj jostled him to one side.

"No, no, no! You can't! Penny and Amy are obviously in the middle of something very deep and meaningful. If we disturb them now, we might ruin it."

Howard moved around him. "I don't care! I have leftovers from my mother's roast in that fridge, and I haven't eaten since eleven o'clock this morning." He reached for the handle again.

Raj shoved him up against the wall.

Howard tried baring his teeth. "Don't make me hangry! You wouldn't like me when I'm hangry..."

Raj's posture immediately changed, relaxing into appreciation. "Dude, did you just make an Incredible Hulk pun?"

Howard relaxed, too. "I did! It just came to me..."

"You're so clever," Raj said admiringly.

They smiled at one another.

"Get a room, you guys."

They looked over to the doorway to discover all three of the ladies standing there, wearing expressions of amusement, intrigue and distaste as disposition dictated. It was obvious both Penny and Amy had been crying.

Howard shoved Raj off of him.

"I have a room, thanks – and, now that it is finally accessible again, I'm going to go eat brisket in it." He walked briskly forwards but then paused as he drew level with the last of the women. "Penny..." He nodded at her, somewhere between shyness and uncertainty over whether to speak at all.

"Hi, Howard." Her answering smile was equally uncertain, and he couldn't help but smile back.

He entered the kitchen with a strange sense of well-being... until his wife's amplified voice reached him there.

"If you get gravy on the sheets again, I'm gonna tell everyone it's faeces!"

"So where's Howard tonight?" Penny asked. The background calypso music was just loud enough to be heard without forcing you to raise your voice, and she bopped unconsciously to the beat. She was wearing a form-fitting hot pink dress with a floaty skirt, somehow looking both demure and wildly sexy at the same time.

"He's making molecular cocktails with Raj," Bernadette replied, pneumatic curves on display in a lilac boned cocktail dress with short chiffon sleeves and layered skirt. She'd always dressed more daringly when Penny was around. "It's kind of their go-to thing these days."

Penny laughed. "Finally a kind of science I can get behind!"

"Meh – I prefer the full-sized ones," Bernadette giggled. "Much better bang for your buck." She pushed her tongue between her teeth then took a long pull on the straw in her coconut shell.

Penny giggled back. "This place is so cheesy!"

"I know! I love it!" Amy smoothed down the front of her dark purple dress. Bernadette wasn't the only who'd gone for daring. Her long sleeved floral dress was high-necked but sat a good two inches above the knee, the shortest skirt she'd ever worn. She felt pretty and reckless and ever-so-slightly buzzed. Exactly what she needed to wipe the memory of her washout date with British Dave away. Seriously – who goes on a date with someone and does nothing but talk about how amazing your ex is?

True, she and Penny were friends again, to the point they even talked about Sheldon a little, but the last thing she needed in her life was a Sheldon groupie.

"Ames, you okay?" Penny asked. "You looked miles away."

Amy smiled back. "I'm fine." Opening up to Penny was getting easier every day, like slipping into a comfortable loafer. But she wasn't ready to share that one yet. It cut a little close to the bone. Especially as both Bernadette and Penny were happily paired off, and she wasn't.

Was that too much to ask? Someone to like her for her?

One of the reasons she could accept the loss of Sheldon was realising that they hadn't really done that for one another. She'd wanted to change him, and he'd ultimately been unwilling to change for her. But Penny and Sheldon had somehow found the balance. They had always accepted the other as they were.

It was funny, as a skilled anthropologist she expected herself to be above such things, but here was incontrovertible proof that no one can be totally outside of their cultural moment. She, too, had fallen victim to the power of the status quo.

Leonard and Penny had always been together, or had one party wanting to be with the other, ergo they were supposed to be together.

In hindsight, the data had been terribly skewed, and she had been one of the guilty parties within that. If she had removed her own bias, she would have recognised Sheldon and Penny's bond for what it was long ago.

She would have realised that Penny, and even Leonard, weren't really happy together, each seeking to change the other. Much like her and Sheldon.

She wondered if it was a blessing that she hadn't realised. She wasn't sure if she would have possessed the selflessness to uproot her own life for the sake of theirs. Not just losing her boyfriend, it would have meant risking losing the first group of friends she'd ever had. It would have meant giving up her five-year plan.

That took a special kind of bravery.

Her gaze fell on Penny again, who was cracking up at the Calypso version of Hit Me Baby One More Time currently playing.

"Do you miss him?" she suddenly asked.

"Who?"

"Leonard," Amy replied.

Bernadette swung her coconut round mid-suck, eyes comically wide above her straw. But Penny seemed to take the question in her stride.

"Of course."

"Huh..." Amy mulled this over. "But you left. I mean, things must have been pretty bad for you to leave like that. Right?" She leaned forward across the narrow table.

"Yeah, they were," Penny confirmed. "I don't miss those days at all. I don't miss being with Leonard. But sometimes I miss..."

"What?" Amy asked curiously. "What do you miss?"

She shrugged again, looking wistful. "Sometimes I miss how it was. Being all together. I miss the times it was good."

That resonated with Amy on a bone-deep level. It was that feeling that had ultimately led her to forgive Penny.

"We're together now," she offered, with a shy smile.

Penny returned it with interest. "Yeah, we are." The smile flickered. "I just feel bad that we probably won't all ever be together again. And I know Sheldon misses Leonard. Even if he won't admit it."

Bernadette looked a little hesitant. "It's not all your fault, you know. What happened. Leonard played a part in it, too."

Penny smiled at her gratefully. "I know. It takes two to make a relationship work or fall apart. But facts are facts: I'm the bitch here. Leonard didn't leave me at the almost-altar." She grimaced, looking so guilty that Amy patted her shoulder.

She looked over at Bernadette for support but she was now inexplicably scowling into her drink. Apparently, three coconuts was one shell too far for the miniature blonde.

Not for the first time Amy mused that Bernadette carried an extraordinary amount of anger for such a tiny person.

xxxx

Bernadette slammed down her purse on the coffee table. When Howard didn't look up from the TV, she slammed it down a second time, harder.

The first thing he noticed was that two of his favourite parts of Bernie's personality were wonderfully framed by the dress she was wearing. The second thing he noticed was that her chest was going up and down with irritated feeling thereby adding to the effect.

"Well, hello there, honeybunch," he purred.

"Don't you honeybunch me." She glowered at him.

He wracked his brains for a moment, trying to figure out what she was mad at. He'd learnt not to blurt out the first thing that came into his head; it had led to Bernie discovering things she didn't already know and chewing him out on more than one occasion.

He raised his hands in a soothing fashion. "I'm sensing you're mad... I'm not sure why."

"I just went out with Amy and Penny." She folded her arms, which did even more interesting things to the mounds of flesh on display. He forced himself to concentrate on her face. (He wasn't suicidal.)

"Okay... well, I didn't make you go out with them, so still not sure why you're mad at me?"

She pressed her lips together, arms coming down to form tiny fists at her side. She looked like a very ticked-off, very sexy elf (fairy-tale pixie style, rather than tall Lord of the Rings style), but he'd learnt the hard way not to tell her this.

"I'm mad because Penny was my best friend and is basically becoming my best friend again, and there's still this great big dirty secret between us, thanks to you!"

His mouth dropped open a little at the injustice of this. "But, Bernie...! You're the one who said we shouldn't have any secrets. That husbands and wives tell each other everything. I was going to keep the whole Leonard kissing someone else thing to myself but then I couldn't bear to have a secret like that between us, remember?"

"Of course, I remember!" she snapped. "It was adorable! I nearly cried when you told me!" Her pissed-off tone did not match her words.

"Okay, so what's the problem?"

"The problem is, once again I'm keeping it secret from Penny!" she complained. "We've got the chance at a fresh start, and I can't be totally honest with her because of my stupid loyalty to stupid you, and your stupid loyalty to stupid Leonard!"

"Bernie," he pleaded. "You're not seriously asking me to tattle on Leonard, are you? I can't!"

"I know that! I'm not an idiot!" Bernadette was using her growly, sexy angry voice. He had to sternly tell Little Howard to calm down. Now was not the time. "Doesn't mean I have to like it!"

She slammed her way into the bedroom.

A moment later, she stuck her head back out again. "And you owe me six granola bars!"

SLAM!

When Amy became aware of someone else entering the lab, her first thought was that it must be Barry Kripke back again with more of his creepily forward come-ons. So she made a point of not looking up until she'd finished her calculation... and found herself locking eyes with Sheldon Cooper.

"Hello, Amy." He nodded at her, seeming calm.

"Sheldon." She waited for a rush of emotion, waited to be overwhelmed with grief or anger or longing...

...and felt like she was monitoring the reaction between hydrogen and oxygen at room temperature.

The reaction was there, but so much less explosive than the one she'd been expecting.

She felt a little cheated somehow.

She tried summoning up a feeling of disdain but all she could muster was an internal rolling of her eyes that a man in his mid-thirties would wear a t-shirt with a superhero emblem on it.

"Did Penny send you?" she asked.

He didn't even try to dissemble. "Yes."

Amy stuck her nose in the air. "Well, I don't appreciate being ambushed, Sheldon."

"I entered via the appropriate access at a stately pace, and I am not wearing grease paint nor holding weapons. I find your analogy faulty."

She glared at him. "Well, I find your comprehension of a widely used metaphor lacking."

His shoulders hunched; he looked a little uncomfortable. "I apologise. I must admit I deliberately feigned obtuseness to deflect from my action. Penny does it a lot." He stared off to one side. "That woman is more contagious than strep."

"Sheldon," Amy began testily, "have you seriously turned up unannounced at my place of work to talk to me about the woman you replaced me with?"

His cheeks coloured a little. "No. My apologies. I realise that would be highly inappropriate." She nodded once. Stiffly. "I've turned up unannounced at your place of work to critique your project."

Her head snapped round. "What?"

"I gleaned enough from Penny's paraphrasing to be intrigued. When I tried to question her further she suggested I come speak to you myself. May I take a look at your methodology?"

Amy hesitated, part of her still wanting to take umbrage. But interest from Sheldon in her work had always been sporadic, and the pull of having a scientist of his calibre looking over it was too great.

She handed over her ipad.

He studied her notes for what couldn't have been more than a minute.

"So, those with an increased volume of grey matter in the left hemisphere of the orbitofrontal cortex were consistently more optimistic in tests than those with lower volumes. I assume you cross-referenced with the studies that identified the white matter microstructural changes in connectivity with PTSD? Ah, yes, there it is. Therefore, you plan to train individuals in tasks that will engage the OFC, hypothetically building up the volume there. Like encouraging the brain to pump iron... but with optimism."

For a moment she was reminded of why she'd been attracted to him in the first place: Sheldon Cooper had a brain almost unparalleled by any other... then her gaze fell on his t-shirt again and she was reminded of the wrapping that that brain came in.

He just wasn't what she was looking for anymore.

"It's a strong method, Amy." He raised both thumbs in an awkward looking salute. "Good job."

A rush of warmth went through her. "Thank you."

A few seconds' silence went by. Sheldon shifted from foot to foot then spoke again.

"A few days ago, Penny reminded me of how you assisted Barry Kripke in his string theory paper with your suggestion of an automaton approach to model neuronal conductivity." He paused. "Well, she used fewer words than that and some incorrect ones, but I understood her point. Having looked at your study, it occurs to me: perhaps we could embody a quid pro quo paradigm?"

She blinked. "You want to us to assist each other with our work?"

He nodded. "Yes. I believe it would be mutually beneficial, and..." He looked down. "I have missed our interactions. Perhaps we could make it a monthly appointment with the option to progress to fortnightly? For convenience and familiarity we could undertake them via Skype. And if Penny and I choose to return to Galveston that would allow us to continue them."

Amy frowned, a little uneasy. "Are you sure that's okay with Penny?"

His wide guileless eyes met hers. "I already told you – it was Penny's suggestion I come here."

"Yes, but, Sheldon, a one-off visit is very different from a standing appointment."

"I see your point." He pulled his phone from his pocket and pressed a few keys before holding it up to his face. "Good preevening, Penny."

"Hey, sweetie." Penny's sunny tones rang out from the loudspeaker. "Are you still at the lab?"

He nodded. "Yes. Amy Farrah Fowler is with me." He turned the phone round to reveal Penny sat cross-legged on a double bed. She'd propped her phone up against something to leave her hands free whilst she folded laundry.

"Hey, Ames," she said cheerfully.

"Hi, Penny." Amy smiled. Then the smile turned bemused. "Are you using Sheldon's folding board?"

"Well, of course, she's using the folding board." Sheldon had positioned himself so they could both see the screen and was smiling proudly. "It was one of the first things she learnt in orientation."

Penny's answering smile was more of a smirk. "Yep. That and when to pick my battles. I had bigger fish to fry." She snapped the two outer pieces of the board together so that the pair of argyle socks were folded on top of each other. "So, what's up, guys?"

"Well, Penny you were right. I found it highly enjoyable looking over Amy's work, and I believe Amy also found it beneficial."

"Ooh, I love when it I'm right!" Penny did a little shimmying dance as she picked up one of her sweaters and placed it on the board.

"I proposed she and I consult one another regularly about our projects via Skype sessions. Like a focus group but with a much higher intelligence quotient."

"Oh, that's a good idea." Her smile was undimmed as she snapped the board together.

"Really? Are you sure?" Amy double-checked.

"I'm sure," she confirmed. She shifted her gaze to Sheldon. "Honey, can you pick up some Thai on the way home? I am seriously jonesing for Mi Krop."

"But it's Thursday," he objected.

She batted her eyes at him. "Yeah – Anything Can Happen Thursday. And I, for one, would like eating Thai to happen." She shrugged. "You don't have to eat it."

He sighed. "No, you know I hate it when our foods don't complement one another. Fine. I'll pick some up on the walk home. There's a pre-approved restaurant on the way."

She crossed her eyes at him. "I know – I checked before asking."

Amy wondered if he realised he was smiling. "I'll see you in thirty to forty-five minutes dependent on the number of orders they have already taken."

"Okay, sweetie, see you later. Bye, Ames!"

"Bye."

Sheldon ended the call and looked at her. "Proposal: we instigate regular Skype sessions which can be cancelled or submitted for rescheduling without penalty so long as at least forty-eight hours' notice is given or an emergency arises. (That which constitutes an emergency to be agreed by both parties prior to the first appointment.)" He spoke the last part in a rush then paused for breath, eyes uncertain but hopeful. "Would that be acceptable to you, Dr Fowler?"

Amy realised she was smiling. "Your proposal is acceptable, Dr Cooper."

He held out his hand.

They shook on it.

Raj's gaze kept wandering to the right side of the couch.

Sheldon's old spot.

He sighed.

Howard ignored him, so he sighed a little louder.

Howard rolled his eyes and continued playing, but spoke in a flat, uninterested tone:

"Oh, Raj, whatever is the matter? Your subtle signals have indicated something is wrong. You must tell me and unburden yourself."

Raj glared at him, but after a moment, he sighed again. More naturally this time. "This sucks, dude."

Howard shrugged and turned back to the screen. "It's not my fault you didn't drink the healing potion. You brought your demotion on yourself."

Not that." Raj pouted. "This." He gestured between them. "I miss when we all used to hang out together. I hate that I have to take sides. I hate that there are sides."

Howard shot him a look. "What did you expect? That Leonard would suddenly magically be fine with it? That Amy would want to hang out with Sheldon? Come on, man..."

"I know but... I'm a lover, not a fighter. I was not made for this kind of conflict... Aha! Take that you evil gnome! Oh, cool: I disembowelled him. Try not to slip in the entrails." His voice turned solemn again. "I get it, I do. It just sucks. Penny and Sheldon didn't do anything to me, but if I don't want to upset Leonard, I have to punish them."

Howard shrugged a little. "Yeah, well, that's just the way it is."

"I know, I know." This time it was Raj rolling his eyes. "We mustn't ever break the bro code." He glanced at his friend in time to see a strange look cross his face. "What?" he asked curiously.

"Nothing." Howard tried to shrug, but Raj had played Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with him too many times. He could always tell when he was bluffing. Even more so when the stakes were high.

Judging by Howard's current expression, he was sitting on gossip juicier than when Brad left Jen.

Raj wasted no time and went Full Name on him. "Howard Joel Wolowitz – if you don't tell me right this second what you're hiding, I will tell Bernadette what you really spent that two thousand dollars on!"

Howard caved like an Enchanted Bunny. "Okay, okay!" He closed his eyes and spoke quickly. "While Leonard was away in the North Sea, he got really drunk one night and… well... there was this girl…"

Raj felt his eyes bug wide. He shot to his feet. "He cheated on Penny?"

"No! No!" Howard said quickly, dropping his controller and gesturing with his hands. "They just made out a little…"

"Dude." Raj's tone was like ice, but his eyes were hot coals. "In what universe is that not cheating? I can't believe he did this to Penny…" He thought about it and started pacing up and down. "I can't believe he proposed to her without telling her he'd done that!" His tone grew progressively more outraged. "And here he is, treating her like dirt when he's the no-good, rotten, cheating-!"

"Oh, come on!" Howard's tone was edging up now, too. "You don't really think what he did was as bad as her, do you? She practically left him at the altar! To run away with his best friend!"

Raj's eyes were now blazing. "Penny never cheated! And once she realised she had feelings for someone else, she ended it. Actually, better than that, she ended it because she knew their relationship had become a total train wreck!" He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this angry. "I can't believe you kept this from me! Worse – you let me choose Leonard over them knowing about it!"

He turned to storm from the room.

"Where are you going?" Howard's was standing now, too, hands on his hips.

"Where do you think I'm going?" Raj continued to march to the door.

Howard was aghast. "You can't tell Penny! You can't! Leonard's one of your best friends! Bros before hos! Bros before hos!"

Raj stopped at the door and turned to face him. He shook his head in quiet disgust. "Penny's not a ho, dude. She's our friend. It's about time we started acting that way."

Leonard was eating cereal while standing up, watching the TV.

When there was a knock at the door, he figured it was Raj post walk-of-shame. He hadn't come home the night before.

He yelled out, "It's open!", then nearly choked on his spoon when a feminine voice greeted him.

"Hi, Leonard."

He jerked round and milk sloshed over the side of the bowl.

"Crap."

Penny was inside the apartment, dressed in denim cut-offs and light green tee, shoulder-length locks lighter than he remembered.

The familiarity hit him like a punch to the stomach.

"Okay, not quite the reaction I was hoping for." She gave a half-smile, fingers laced together front of her. "I'm sorry to come round so early, but I wanted to catch you before work."

His wits were reassembling, scrambling from the shock of seeing Penny, especially a Penny that could almost be the one he met nine years ago.

Unfortunately for Penny they were mostly reassembling to form outrage.

He walked to the kitchen island and set down his bowl, brushing the milk off his hand. His knees were trembling but he didn't think she could see that through his pants. When he spoke he was proud of how steady his voice was, how sarcastically detached.

"I would respond with, 'have you never heard of a phone', but I'm not sure why you'd think it was okay to call me, either."

To his astonishment, she linked her hands behind her back and took a step forward. She didn't exactly look comfortable, but she didn't look nearly as nervous as she ought to.

"I wanted to talk to you. I've wanted to for a long time, but I didn't have the courage to. But then last night, Raj came over."

His teeth gritted at this betrayal; oh, he'd be having words with his roommate later...

He smiled thinly. "Still not seeing the connection."

She slid her hands into her pockets. "He told me about the North Sea trip. And the girl you made out with."

If her appearance had been a punch, her words were a solid kick.

His diaphragm kinked, refusing to take in a breath.

Then he looked at her again, at her tilted head and almost hopeful air, and anger started bubbling like bile.

"Oh, so because of that you think we're even?" His tone matched his sneer. "You think you can just stroll back into my life? That I'd welcome you with open arms?"

She shook her head. "I never said that."

"Good. Because if you think that, you're even crazier than Sheldon is."

She folded her arms; her hip cocked. He recognised the signs: fight mode. "Why is what I did so much worse than what you did?"

He couldn't believe her nerve. "Are you serious? Mine was a meaningless drunken fling! I didn't run off and get engaged to someone else! And that girl wasn't your best friend!"

Penny seemed baffled. "And you think that's better? You think it's better to have cheated on someone you said you loved over nothing? Over something 'meaningless'?"

"You think it hurts less that you cheated over someone that mattered? You think it helps that you fell in love with him while you were supposed to be in love with me?" His voice was raw. He couldn't help it.

Penny flinched but then shook her head. "I guess that's where we're different," she said quietly. "I think it's better to end a relationship out of love than to cheat out of lust."

He shook his head slowly. "You are unbelievable. You can actually stand there and tell me you love him…"

She pressed her lips together. "I meant I ended it out of love for you. For both of us. We both deserved better."

Leonard snorted. After so long longing for her, and then so long not daring to believe she was his… Years of feeling inadequate and doing anything and everything to keep her… After what she'd done, for the first time he'd come to realise he was the one who deserved better.

As if reading his thoughts, she continued. "Leonard, I... I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. But... that goes two ways, you know."

He smiled mirthlessly. "Funny, I don't recall totally humiliating you in front of your friends."

For the first time, she looked a little pissed. "Funny, I do."

"What?" he snapped.

She sighed, looking regretful. "We both did it, Leonard. After we got together. And especially after we got engaged. The way we spoke to each other was awful. You basically telling me I was stupid all the time. Me bossing you around and bitching. And we never really did anything together..."

"We did stuff together," he said defensively.

"I mean besides sex."

His brow furrowed. "No, that was you, remember? You made this big speech about how romantic and thoughtful I was and how all you'd ever offered me in return was sex." Somewhere along the way he'd folded his arms in triumph. Her lips compressed. He got the feeling she was stopping herself from saying something. "What?" he said sharply.

"Well, whose fault is that?"

"What?" His bafflement was genuine.

"Look... Maybe it wasn't conscious, but you kinda acted like that was all you ever wanted me for."

His mouth dropped open. "I did not!"

"Yeah... you did."

"I think you're confusing me with the Cro-Magnons you dated before me," he said snidely.

"Actually, there's evidence to suggest the Cro-Magnons were much more sophisticated and peaceful than the Neanderthals – that's why they were wiped out-"

"Don't you dare quote Sheldon at me!" The bile burst forth in a sudden blaze of fury. She flinched, and a stab of shame went through him. "Sorry..." He realised he was panting a little. "I'm sorry. I... shouldn't have yelled."

She nodded, but still eyed him a little warily. Her jaw had firmed. "I wasn't trying to provoke you."

"No." The shame dug deeper. "I know." He concentrated on evening out his breathing. The last thing he wanted was to have to fetch his inhaler. He felt weak enough in this conversation as it was. "My point is, they're the ones who only wanted one thing from you. I only ever wanted to be a good friend." Penny's expression was sceptical. To his chagrin, his anger started rising again. "Oh, don't even…! I was never anything but a good friend to you! I did everything you ever wanted!"

"Why?" The bluntness of the statement stopped him in his tracks.

"Huh?"

"Why were you a good friend to me?"

"What do you mean 'why'? Because I'm a decent human being, that's why!"

"So, it wasn't because you wanted to sleep with me?"

"Wh-what?" he sputtered.

"It's true you did all those nice things for me… just like you did all those nice things for Alicia when she first moved in. Do you remember that? I remember it, because you dropped me like a stink bomb for a good few weeks. Same thing happened when Missy showed up."

He wanted to angrily deny what she was saying but… that had happened.

"Only because you weren't into me at the time!" he rallied. "I wouldn't have been interested in any of those women if you'd given me the time of day. Instead of just using me…"

This time it was Penny's eyes that blazed for an instant before she repressed it. She spoke in a clipped fashion he recognised, someone who was carefully controlling their anger. Very Spock-like.

His fists inadvertently clenched.

"Is it using someone to take them up on their offer?" she asked. "Most of those times it was you offering to do stuff, and me accepting. Why would that make you mad? Unless there were strings attached. Unless you expected to get something in return." Her tone wasn't cruel. It made it that much worse. "So… were we ever really friends? Or was there always a bit of you that saw doing nice stuff for me as a way of building credit until you could cash it in for the prize?" She looked away. "I'm not sure I would ever have thought that… if you hadn't admitted it yourself."

He finally found his voice. "Excuse me?"

Her voice was low; her eyes far away. "I remember when we went to the movies on our 'non-date'. You told me how often you said stuff you never meant when we were dating because you wanted sex – how you would pretend or lie about your feelings to get me into bed. You said that since you knew there was no chance of us having sex that night, you weren't interested in doing anything I wanted. Those were your words, Leonard."

There was an icy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Cracks were showing in his defences; he didn't know what was underneath the cracks, but he knew he didn't want to know.

He took refuge in righteous rage.

"You know what, Penny? You can paint yourself the victim all you want. None of this changes the fact that you waited until the day before our wedding to break things off. That you ran away and left me alone to deal with it. That you totally humiliated me! And best of all, you ran away to my best friend!"

It was a killer hit, and he knew it.

She could have no possible defence.

When she spoke, her voice sounded faint. She was wringing her hands.

"Leonard, I can't say that I regret not marrying you. I can't. Because it needed to happen. We couldn't go on the way things were. But I can promise you that my biggest regret is how it happened. Leaving you that way. Leaving you to face everything on your own..." She swallowed. "I am so, so sorry for how things ended."

For a moment, hope crept up his insides like ivy. Then logic unpicked her words, and bitterness choked the vines.

"You regret the how, not the what." He looked at her; it was the most guilty she'd appeared since she came in. "You're sorry for running out on me, but you're not sorry for Sheldon."

She bit her lip then shook her head slowly. "No, sweetie. I can't be sorry for that."

"Because you're so happy with him right?" His voice was an angry taunt. Penny said nothing, which incensed him even more. "You can't regret starting things with Sheldon because you're soooo happy with him. Right?"

She winced. "Don't… don't torture yourself."

"No, really," he goaded. "I want to know. What's it like being with him? You must have so much to talk about. What was it he called you that time? A blonde monkey? I bet the conversations between the two of you really pop! Unless of course you're too busy doing other stuff to actually hold a conversation..." He was driving poisoned thorns into his own flesh with every word, but he couldn't stop. "I seem to recall he had some problems in that area in the past, but maybe it's different with you. You're so experienced, after all. Did you put him at his ease? Did he finally trade in his V-card? I can see the attraction on his side, I guess, but you? How can you possibly be interested in a neurotic weirdo who dresses like a toddler and whines like one, too!"

"Leonard." His name was a warning. "I know you're hurting, but do not talk about him that way." He noted her clenched fists. He noted the emerald on her finger even more.

"Why not?" he jeered. "According to you I only ever did anything if it meant I might get to have sex with you." He eyed the ring again, deliberately, not having to fake the sneer that rose to his face. "Well, since that's now permanently off the table, I guess there's no need to pretend any more, huh? No need to pretend we're friends, either." He stalked over to the apartment door. "You've got nothing I need." He held the door open. "Get out."

For a second, she looked like she was going to cry, and the shame returned a hundredfold, but then she lifted her chin and marched out the door.

He did nothing to stop her.

He wore his Nice Guy label like a shield. To protect from the voices that whispered – sometimes screamed – that he wasn't good enough.

And never would be.

Sheldon tuned out the advert and calculated whether enough time remained for him to make a green tea. He had regretfully concluded there weren't sufficient seconds for the optimum boiling of the water when the front door opened and Penny walked in.

Oh, goodie! He'd been hoping for the chance to introduce her to the earlier seasons. She had been brought to see the genius of R.T. Davies (even if it was at least in part down to an unhealthy attachment to the Tenth Doctor and Rose) but remained stubborn about the original seasons, maintaining they were "dumb".

Looks like today was the day for his Powerpoint presentation! (After the episode had finished. Naturally.)

He shifted slightly in his spot to greet her. "Good morning, Penny. I trust you enjoyed your run?" Then his eyes narrowed, noticing her outfit for the first time. Penny didn't wear denim shorts to run, or sandals. It appeared her yelled communiqué during his morning ablutions had been a subterfuge.

"Hi, Moonpie."

His irritated response was instinctual. "Penny! No one calls me Moonpie except..." He trailed off when he got a proper look at her face. "What is wrong?"

"Nothing, sweetie." She tried to smile but he had compiled a mental compendium of all her expressions and he didn't need to consult it to know she was attempting to deflect him.

Brain working quickly (not that it could work any other way), he submitted and tested various hypotheses before arriving at the correct conclusion. "You saw Leonard."

The false smile crumbled. She nodded, eyes bright. But not from happiness.

There was pressure on his palms, just short of pain. He looked down to discover his fists had clenched without his say-so. He uncurled his fingers in surprise. His hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis informed him he was experiencing an increase in testosterone borne of protective instincts. Simultaneously, his inferior frontal gyrus informed him, with its usual accompaniment of alarm, that Penny was close to tears.

The offer of a hot beverage automatically sprang to his lips before his eidetic memory intervened, reminding him of their conversation after their first fight as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Penny had taught him that the optimum response when one isn't sure is an open-ended one.

"What can I do?" he asked.

To his alarm, she started crying in earnest, but contradicting this action, she moved forward and lifted his arm, burrowing against his side and snuggling into his neck.

The mechanoreceptors in his skin cringed away from the moisture and all the pathogens it implied.

He sharply told them to suck it up.

His other arm came around her, pulling her close. There would always be a part of him that knew that constant tight pressure across large areas of the body resulted in a decreased pulse and metabolic rate; that holding someone this way had proven physiological benefit for calming anxiety.

But since altering their relationship paradigm that thought came second.

The instinct to have her close came first.

After a few minutes, her breathing had evened and the moisture appeared to have evaporated; he judged it safe to speak. "Would it help to discuss the encounter?"

A little shake of her head. "No." Small voice. "Not yet."

He accepted this without question. "Would it help to divert your mind with a game?"

A pause. "Like what? I only know about three words for Klingon Boggle and, I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm not really in the mood for studying."

He thought for a moment. "What about the flash card game?"

She lifted her head away, smiling a little. "Are you sure? You got really mad last time when you kept confusing the Kardashians..."

He smiled back, pleased with himself. "I have devised a method since then: if it looks like Kim, it's Kim. If it looks kind of like Kim, it's Kourtney. And if it looks nothing like Kim, it's Khloe."

Her ripple of laughter made his heart soar.

It didn't even matter that he knew that wasn't anatomically possible.

Penny returned from the kitchen with their bottles of water and flopped back down on the couch, a little lightheaded.

God, she was such a lightweight. It barely took two glasses of wine to get her buzzed these days. Sure saved on money, though. Not to mention mornings spent with her head in the toilet...

She looked fondly at the brunette curled up on their couch. Her glasses were slightly askew, and she was ranting at the television screen.

"My God, Meredith! What's wrong with you? McSteamy is five times as sexy as McDreamy – jump his bones!"

They were partway through a major Grey's marathon and Amy had become heavily invested in the title character's love life, even as she sneered at the medical procedures.

"But she loves McDreamy," Penny pointed out as she handed Amy her water bottle then she hiccupped, causing them both to giggle uncontrollably for a good minute. The water slid from Amy's unresisting hand. She was much more interested in her glass of wine on the coffee table.

Amy was the first to recover from their laughing fit. "So get together with him down the line. Have some fun first. Nothing to stop her sampling other milk before buying the cow."

"Amy, you vixen!" Penny pretended to be shocked. Then she spoke a little tentatively, "Speaking of sampling milk... is it too weird to ask about your love life?"

Amy looked a little shy but not uncomfortable. "I was hoping we would. Bernadette's fine and everything, but I always preferred talking about this stuff with you." Penny nodded encouragingly and Amy continued. "I'm using the dating site again – but I changed my profile a lot from when I met Sheldon. Raj helped."

"That's great," Penny said sincerely. "So, have you met any nice guys?"

"Well..." Amy considered this. "So far, they only really seem interested in having sex."

"Oh." Penny frowned. "Ugh. There are a lot of perverts on the internet – don't let that put you off."

"Who said it put me off?" She looked mischievous and took an enormous swig from her glass. They cracked up again. "There's one guy coming up who seems like he might be nice. But no, so far there's no one I'd want to marry or anything."

The word hung in the air. The one thing they hadn't really talked about. She saw Amy's gaze linger on her ring-finger. Penny held her breath, waiting. Unsure whether to broach the topic or not.

Amy got there first.

"Penny, I was wondering... could I help out with the wedding planning?"

Penny almost spat out her water.

She stared at Amy a moment then spoke, choosing her words carefully.

"Sweetie, that is so nice of you, but the last thing I expect is for you to be involved with the wedding. I get that that would be a really big ask, so I'm not asking it."

"You didn't ask," Amy pointed out. "I'm offering. I've been thinking about it a lot and I... I wanna be involved. I want us to be real friends, and real friends are part of each other's weddings. But it's your day, not mine, so it needs to be whatever you want." The corners of her mouth turned down, she looked like she was fighting not to say more. Perhaps to make sure she didn't, she took another swallow of her wine, eyes above her glass round and hopeful.

Penny smiled, big and wide.

"Still got that tiara?"

She barely had time to brace herself before Amy's weight hit her like a joyful train.

"We're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo! How about you, you, you? You can come, too, too, too. We're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo!" Stuart sang happily.

"Dude, would you stop singing that? We're already in the zoo so it doesn't even make sense. Also, we're getting judgmental looks from the grade schoolers." Raj gestured to a group of eight-year-olds and their leader, all of whom were staring at them.

"I can't help it!" Stuart beamed. "I'm just so happy to have been invited along!" Then his joyful expression dropped. "Someone dropped out, didn't they?"

Sheldon blinked with surprise. "No. Nobody dropped out. I simply recalled from previous conversations that you would likely welcome a trip to the zoo."

Stuart wasn't having it. "Come on. You can tell me. Howard's not here – Howard dropped out, didn't he?"

Sheldon and Raj exchanged a slightly awkward look. "You were invited at the same time, but Howard didn't want to come," Raj said.

Stuart clucked his tongue. "He's still mad about me living with Debbie? I thought we'd moved past that…"

"Uh, no... that's not why he didn't want to come…"

"Oh." Stuart's eyes widened. His gaze flicked to Sheldon. "Sorry, dude." Sheldon didn't reply. Stuart began to look more cheerful. "So, I was actually first choice?"

Sheldon tsked. "Don't let it go to your head."

"Too late!" Stuart started bouncing around again.

"Stop that!" Sheldon chided. "We're approaching the enclosure – you're scaring the birds! Don't make me rescind your invitation!"

Stuart immediately stopped, looking chastened.

At this point they passed a sign notifying them of a new sector up ahead.

"The Rainforests of the Americas," Raj breathed reverently. "Also known as…" He looked expectantly at the others.

"Monkey territory!" they chorused, before bouncing around excitedly.

They set forward with renewed vigour.

"So, Sheldon," Raj's voice was knowing. "Maybe we'll get to re-enact The Princess and the Monkey while we're here? I seem to recall you were rather taken with the tale… so much so you totally torpedoed my date," he added in a sour undertone.

Sheldon gave him a reproving look. "Don't be silly. The illustrations clearly showed the monkeys in that tale were Golden Langurs, and the Los Angeles Zoo doesn't have any of that sub-species. Besides…" He looked down and adjusted the cuff of his windbreaker. "I have already found my Princess Panchali."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Raj and Stuart said in unison, drawing together to clutch at one another.

Sheldon's cheeks coloured slightly. "I fail to see why that is worthy of Japanese fan girl commentary. It is a simple statement of fact. Shall we move on, gentlemen? There is much ground to cover before nightfall."

Stuart looked thoughtful. "Did you know you sound like a Game of Thrones character when you're being defensive?"

Raj gave him a look of disgust. "Why does everything always come back to Game of Thrones with you?"

"Indeed," Sheldon seconded. "Not to mention, I would never use that kind of salty language." His Texas accent twanged for a moment.

"That's only the commoners! I was talking about the aristocracy!" Stuart objected.

"Oh." Sheldon pursed his lips primly. "Very well then." His small smile was secretly pleased. Then the smile spread to the beam he wore when getting to impart new knowledge. "Did you know the southern black howler monkey sleeps up to seventy per cent of the day, making it one of the least active monkeys in the New World? You might say they're a little… ape-athetic." He looked unbearably pleased with himself.

Raj groaned with disgust but Stuart emitted a bark of laughter. "Yeah, they probably wouldn't be a… prime-mate to have around if you needed to get stuff done."

Sheldon laughed his breathy little laugh and held up his hand for a high-five. Stuart joyfully went to slap it but Sheldon's expression changed and he took a step back before removing a small bottle from his pocket. "Sanitise first. It's a monkey enclosure. We're surrounded by fecal matter."

Stuart sighed but complied.

Raj looked a little jealous at the exchange.

"Come on, guys, I want to go to the Gorilla Reserve. Quit… monkeying around." He looked at them expectantly.

They gave him confused looks.

"Raj, gorillas aren't monkeys." Stuart looked at him pityingly.

"I would expect a man of your scientific stature to know that." Sheldon shook his head sadly.

Raj sulked.

*knockknockknock* "Howard."

*knockknockknock* "Howard."

*knockknockknock* "Howard."

Howard changed his mind several times throughout the ritual, but in the end, he opened his apartment door.

"Sheldon." He nodded in acknowledgement but kept hold of the door with one hand, trying to telegraph that he would be civil but not welcoming.

But Sheldon had never been good at reading cues.

"Aren't you going to invite me in?" His lips were pursing slightly in judgment.

Howard rolled his eyes – where did this guy get off thinking he was the one being out of line?

Typical Sheldon.

Yet he found himself standing to one side even as his eyes rolled.

Against all odds, he'd missed the freaky robot.

Sheldon entered, and then stopped dead, hands rising to hover protectively at the level of his chest as he surveyed the lounge.

"The room's changed."

"Well, yeah, that's what happens when you run away with your best friend's fiancée for a year." Sheldon's eyes snapped to his, blue eyes wide, and Howard found himself wanting to relent, but the Great and Powerful Dr Cooper had to stick his oar in.

"She wasn't his fiancée anymore."

Howard folded his arms. "Semantics isn't getting you out of this, Sheldon."

He tilted his head. "Lexical or conceptual?"

Howard refused to bite. "What are you doing here, Sheldon?" he asked.

The answer tripped readily off his tongue. "Three days before I left for Galveston we were in the cafeteria and you were cursing as you rummaged through your messenger bag since you had failed to bring your flash drive with you. I lent you one of the two generic ones I had with me, after soundly rejecting your request to borrow my Spider-Man one. It has been three hundred and seventy-five days since that loan. If you return it now, we can forego the time penalties."

It was a plausible explanation (at least by Sheldon's bat-crap crazy standards), but the way it was delivered reminded Howard of Sheldon's phone conversation with Kripke, when he was using the friendship algorithm.

Sheldon had made up an excuse to come see him.

He was a little surprised at how warm that made him feel.

He cooled himself by deliberately recalling how Leonard had looked when he learnt where Penny had run to.

His voice came out somewhere between the two feelings.

"We can't be friends right now, Sheldon." Sheldon just looked at him. "Or 'treasured acquaintances', or whatever you're calling it these days..."

Sheldon was still watching him. "Why not?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "Sheldon, I'm still mad at you, okay? You had every right to leave and make a new life. But to do it with Penny? That's low, bro." He shook his head in disgust.

The Sheldon he remembered would have answered with high-pitched outrage or smug certainty. This Sheldon spoke with quiet assurance, unbending but whine-free. "Their relationship had been terminated many months before Penny and I 'became a thing'." He curled his tone around the words as much as his fingers. Then his voice grew softer. "…My friendship with Leonard had been broken long before that."

Fresh anger on Leonard's behalf swept through him. "Oh? And why's that? What oh-so-important clause of the Roommate Agreement did he contravene that meant he deserved how you treated him? Failing to drive you to your chosen destination three times in one day? Whistling in the apartment? Not peeing from the requisite distance? What, Sheldon? Huh? What?"

Sheldon appeared unmoved by his anger. Another change. Time was raised voices would have had him cringing and sticking his fingers in his ears. He focused on a framed photograph and straightened it with long fingers. "Are you familiar with the work that won me the Copley Medal?"

Howard scoffed – he really wasn't in the mood to stroke Sheldon's ego right now. Sheldon gave him one of his rare firm looks and he found himself grudgingly giving in. "I read the summary – predictions of the properties of a supercurrent through quasiparticles."

Sheldon nodded and clasped his hands behind his back. "The work that won me the Medal was the culmination of a theorem I developed at the North Pole. A theorem I was forced to abandon after my academic credit was nullified following my retraction of my findings about monopoles. I ran some calculations. Owing to your, Leonard's and Rajesh's intervention, it took five point six years longer to develop and publish my work than it needed to."

A blade of feeling as cold as ice went through the centre of Howard's chest.

"I... Sheldon…"

"Had you set out to slow or derail the progress of my career, you could scarcely have done a more complete job."

"Sheldon… the tin-opener… the prank… that… that was never about discrediting your work," he said weakly.

"I am aware of that," Sheldon replied. "Were that not the case, it is doubtful I would be standing here." Howard swallowed. "From what you told me when we returned from the North Pole, you and Raj were facilitators of that 'prank'." This time the quotation marks felt like an accusation. "But you weren't the instigator."

"Sheldon, Leonard wasn't trying to bring you down either!" Once more he found himself rushing to defend Leonard, but for entirely different reasons.

"Then what was he trying to do?" Sheldon asked.

"He was just driven crazy by your… you-ness and- and desperate to get back home!"

"Why?" Sheldon continued inexorably.

"Because-!" Howard blurted then stopped, speaking more slowly. "Because he wanted to see Penny..."

His eyes met Sheldon's in realisation.

Sheldon nodded slowly, almost approvingly.

"Forgiveness goes both ways."

"Leonard, listen... I wanted to give you a heads-up on something."

Leonard smiled a little grimly.

When Howard had asked to join him in his lab and watch him use the time-of-flight mass spectrometer, he'd figured there must be something more to it.

"You know the award thing in a few days?"

Leonard smiled sarcastically. "No, what award thing? First time I've heard anything about it." He spoke with false good cheer.

Howard winced. "Right. Of course. Well, I just thought you should know that the girls are going to be in the inner section with Sheldon and Penny." He started fiddling with the stapler on the table, which gave him an excuse to look away.

"The girls?" Leonard asked, with a sinking feeling.

"Amy and Bernadette," Howard confirmed, shoulders dropping as he looked up at him.

"Amy's going?" Leonard asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. She and Penny made up. And, uh, apparently she and Sheldon had a talk, too."

"So now she's okay with Sheldon?" Leonard had moved from disbelief to incredulity.

"I guess... I guess she moved on." His tone was hesitant.

"So, let me get this straight..." Leonard injected his tone with bitter humour. "My roommate is barely talking to me, and my friends have decided to totally abandon me at an event I am being forced to go to by my employers, which my ex-fiancée will be at, and which is being held to honour my former best friend, the man she ran off with?"

"Yep, that seems like a fairly accurate description of the status quo." Howard swept his hands over the surface of the counter, looking awkward.

"Unbelievable." The icy feeling was back in his stomach. One by one his friends were abandoning him, choosing them over him. He looked at Howard. "You're still with me, right?"

Howard's chuckle sounded a little pained. "You've still got me. You'll always have me."

Leonard stared at him. "That's not what I asked."

"Sheldon!" The slammed door rattled on its hinges. "You get your bony heiny out here!"

Sheldon emerged from the bedroom clutching his laundry basket. "Whilst this is an admittedly decent-sized apartment for a dingbat, I'm quite capable of hearing you from the bedroom so there is no need to raise your voice to that decibel, Penny."

Penny folded her arms. Her foot started tapping.

He cocked his head. "Is something the matter?"

"Yeah, genius, something's the matter." He continued to look at her in inquiry. "You wanna explain to me why I've got a voicemail from Kevin Smith?"

Sheldon blinked. "Was he not clear in his message? He seemed quite coherent when he and I spoke last month. Quite an intelligent fellow, really... for a non-scientist."

"So it's true, then! You contacted Kevin Smith and got me an audition for his movie?"

He blinked again. "Yes."

Her mouth sagged open. "How did you even get hold of him?"

"Your movie 'The Serial Ape-ist' has something of a 'cult following'," he flexed his fingers in quotation marks. "There are a number of online forums that like to analyse and comment on it. Kevin Smith recently joined a discussion board citing that he would love to see you for one of his movies. Naturally, I contacted him."

"What... why would you...? How do you even know that?"

"I follow all your work, Penny." That stopped her in her tracks, warmth flowing through her, but then he cheerfully continued talking. "Thankfully, it takes up very little of my time as you've had so few roles."

The warmth abruptly left her; her irritation returned twice as strong. She folded her arms again. "Why would you contact him?"

"So that you can audition for his movie." He sounded puzzled.

Her eyebrows drew together. "Yes, but why would you..? Oh, I get it." Her foot started tapping again. "Me being a sales rep suddenly isn't good enough now you're a big deal in the physics' world?"

"Penny." He gave her his most condescending smile. "I have always been a big deal in the physics' world... and if I were looking for intellectual arm candy, an actress would not be my first choice of profession."

Penny didn't know what her face did in response to this but whatever it was it made him blink. He cocked his head uncertainly. "I sense I may have made some kind of misstep?"

"Damn straight you've made some kind of misstep! Look, Sheldon, I love you, but that doesn't mean you get to tell me what I do with my life. You don't get to decide for me. No one does, capisce?"

He watched her for a moment then set the basket down and walked the metres that stood between them. She saw him hesitate then one hand came up and stroked her cheek. She hated that he knew that his touch could calm her. She hated that it worked.

Anger evaporating, she took a step back and ran a hand down her face, speaking with a little groan of frustration. "Look, sweetie, I get that you thought you were doing a nice thing, but that wasn't your call to make. You should have spoken to me first."

"Granted I am not totally au fait with the world of acting, but it is my understanding that securing you an audition in no way promises you to anything. Indeed, even if you are successful in gaining the part, you do not have to take it up."

She slowed her voice down. "Sheldon, I stopped acting years ago. I gave it up because I didn't enjoy it."

"No, you didn't."

"Huh?"

"You didn't give up acting because you no longer enjoyed it. You gave it up because your lack of success became psychologically and financially painful."

It was Penny's turn to blink. Damn. Sheldon still had the knack of cutting straight to the heart of things. "Well... yeah. But the point is, I stopped because I knew it wasn't going to happen. So, I took control. I grew up."

He nodded. "A laudable sentiment... and totally unnecessary."

Her hands fisted on her hips. "Sheldon..."

"Growing up does not preclude dreams, Penny. You and I... we're dreamers. I am that much closer to achieving mine; I wanted to bring you to closer to yours."

Her heart was suddenly in her throat. At times like this she fully understood why Meemaw called him Moonpie.

He could be so goddamn sweet...

She stepped forward and held his face in her hands. "Sheldon, one day you will win a Nobel Prize. One day your dreams will come true. I don't doubt that at all. But me being a famous actress..."

He studied her. "Is the fame your dream, or the craft?"

She blinked again. "I..."

"Fame was necessary before because you needed to live off your earnings. Now you have a supplemented income from your sales work, and we have my earnings, too. Including the Copley monetary award. So there is no pressure. No expectation. Perhaps this movie is not a suitable avenue, but there will be others. Other parts you can play. Other mediums. I remember how you looked on the stage when you played Blanche. I remember your joy… That is your dream, Penny, not the fame. I would like to help you achieve it." His eyes suddenly widened. "Are you crying?"

"No," she lied. She slid her hands round his neck and brought her face near to his. A slightly alarmed look crossed his face.

"Penny, whilst I usually enjoy kissing you, right now you appear a little moist."

She snorted with laughter, hands tightening in his hair. "Shut up, Moonpie."

Her lips met his.

Leonard, Raj and Howard were standing together in the outer auditorium surrounded by their peers; the silence between them was not entirely comfortable.

Raj was the first to break it.

"So, Leonard, did you see Emily and I left you a homemade pizza? We used lactose-free cheese so it shouldn't lead to any unscheduled tooting."

"Oh, that was for me?" Leonard replied snidely. "I figured Sheldon and Penny got all the home-cooked meals in the divorce." Raj looked hurt, and he immediately regretted his words. It was the first approaching normal conversation they'd had in days. An arctic atmosphere had presided over 4A since Raj had dropped Leonard in it with Penny, and then refused to apologise. But maybe this was his idea of a peace offering... "I did try some," he admitted. "It was really tasty."

They smiled tentatively at each other. Then Leonard saw Amy and Bernadette approaching and his fledgling good mood evaporated.

"Didn't think you two would be out here rubbing shoulders with the little people." The words slipped out almost of their own volition, and he cursed himself for how much they gave away. He wanted to be strong, stoic. Dignified. But his feelings kept getting away from him.

He'd looked at Amy, but it was Bernadette who replied.

Her mouth was firm. "Okay, that's about enough out of you, Mr Pissypants." She was using her illegal day care voice. "I get that this must be horrible for you, I do, but you have got to stop making everyone else feel bad when they are just trying to muddle through a crappy situation, same as you are." Leonard felt himself colouring and wasn't sure if it was from anger or embarrassment; thank God no one else was close enough to hear. But Bernadette still wasn't done. "Leonard, what happened to you royally sucked. No one's denying that, and we hate that it happened to you. But Penny was crying after she came and saw you. Like, properly crying. Did you really tell her that you didn't want anything from her now sex was off the table?"

Howard and Raj shot him horrified looks, and he spluttered in reply: "She said it first! I just sarcastically agreed with her to point out how ridiculous she was being!" But even in his own ears, the defence rang hollow. He lowered his gaze. "It's not... it wasn't as clear-cut as that."

He peeped upwards. Bernadette was nodding; her severity relaxed a little. "Yeah, Amy said that when I said I wanted to kick you in the tuchus. Nothing about this situation is clear-cut." Something in her tone made him feel like that was as much a defence of Penny as of him. "And that's why Amy and I are going inside." She took a few steps towards the entrance to the inner auditorium and waited.

Amy's mouth was pulled to one side; her expression was speculative but also at peace. And that last part he couldn't understand at all. She patted his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Leonard. But I'm going in, too."

They girls passed Dr Gablehauser coming out as they went in. His gaze locked on the three of them and he walked over.

"Gentlemen, I'm glad you could all make it." His gaze rested on Leonard a moment, something like sympathy in his eyes, then it shifted to take in the three of them. "Dr Cooper asked me to inform you that 'the optimum number has not yet been reached and those willing to lay down their arms would be welcome in the inner sanctum'."

Leonard didn't realise he was clenching his jaw until it started to ache. He forced his arms to uncross. "Please thank Dr Cooper for the invitation but I must respectfully decline. I want nothing to do with his inner sanctum." There was a beat. "And I realise that came out a lot more gay-sounding than I meant it to."

"Welcome to my world..." Raj sighed mournfully.

Gablehauser gave them a funny look and retreated back the way he came.

Raj looked at him. "You're really not going in? He's offering an olive branch. A pretty big one."

Leonard snarled at him, the need to repress his feelings lessening with Gablehauser's exit. "I don't need an olive branch! I didn't do anything wrong to Sheldon! Olive branches are for when both parties are at fault!"

Raj shook his head at him and turned to Howard. "Are you coming?"

A frozen eternity seemed to go by, then- "Yeah, I'm coming. Just give me a couple of minutes, okay?"

Raj nodded, and then with one final guilt-tinged look of defiance he crossed to the curtained door.

Howard turned to face him. "Leonard, you're my friend, and I'll always have your back but... there's something you need to understand: it's a miracle Sheldon wants us there at all."

Tensed in expectation of a grovelling apology he was going to gleefully throw in his face, Leonard was left totally wrong-footed.

"Huh?" His mouth dropped open. "What are you talking about? Sheldon should be begging me to come! In fact, he should be begging me full-stop. He's up there with my ex-fiancée. He's-"

Howard cut him off. "He should have been up there years ago. And it's our fault he wasn't."

Leonard's chest heaved, mouth opening and closing with explosive words of anger but simply too flabbergasted to push any of them out.

"Sheldon came to see me," Howard continued, his tone a confession. "We chatted a little. I tried to get rid of him pretty quick – I was mad at him, too. You know I was. But something he said stayed with me."

"And what was that?" Leonard folded his arms again, trying to sneer. But there was a hollow feeling in his chest; a deep-buried thought that knew what was coming.

"He talked about the North Pole." Leonard tried and failed not to flinch. "Have you looked at his theory in detail? Have you studied the math? I don't think it's a coincidence that as soon as he was away from Caltech – away from us – he made his best discovery in years. I don't like how Sheldon treated you in the whole Penny thing. You know that. But... academically speaking, what we did to him was way worse. And he forgave us a long time ago."

Leonard was staring at the floor, eyes burning. He couldn't even say with what kind of emotion.

A gentle weight pressed down on his shoulder. Howard's hand. "Think about it, okay?"

The hand squeezed, and then there was the sound of retreating footsteps.

It was as if a heavy fog descended, a miasma of different emotions. Part of him wanted to lift his feet, to move forward, to walk through it.

Part of him argued he had every right to the darker feelings swirling through him.

"Well, well, well." Caltech's most distinctive voice permeated the fog. "Wook who'ws on the outside wooking in." Kripke sounded especially smug.

"You didn't make the final cut either, huh, Leonard?" Leslie's dry tones cut through the last of his daze. "All those years you put up with Dr Dumbass, and in the end it was Princess Barbie that ended the friendship." She shook her head. "I had my money on you killing him over the thermostat." Her head tilted a little, studying him. "...are you okay?"

A tiny wryly amused part of his brain wondered just how bad he must look for Leslie Winkle to be worrying.

But before he could even begin to formulate an answer, the giant flat screen flickered into life.

Leslie tugged him to a nearby table; they sat down, and events began to move at a blur.

The Royal Society's President was on the podium. Praising Sheldon. Praising his achievements.

And then there he was, walking on stage to the rising applause of the audience, dressed in navy suit and Flash-red tie.

And he could see Penny all over him. Penny in the careful tread and raised head. Penny in his improved posture. Penny in the suit's sharply flattering lines.

Then he was speaking, and his voice filled the vacuum Leonard had been carrying for more than a year.

He spoke of greatness. He spoke of doubting himself. He spoke of the joy of vindication.

Each word brushed Leonard's soul like acid.

Howard's words dug the wounds in deeper.

The ice in the pit of his stomach was breaking up, dissipating. Gone.

Truth lay beneath it.

He had taken the deliberate decision to sabotage another scientist's work, to sabotage his supposed best friend's work, all because he wanted to bring the project to an end and make his way back to the beautiful blonde who was dressed in red to match another man's tie.

The beautiful blonde who glowed with pride and happiness.

The camera lingered on her – way more than it should do. Then he realised the speech had focused on her, too.

"I'd like to dedicate this award to someone else. To my fiancée Penny. Whilst she did not earn it in any academic sense, having of course nowhere near my level of IQ or aptitude in physics, I know now that she is and always will be an integral part of my equation. It was Penny's influence and care that led me to this discovery. Without an apple, we would not have Newton's law of gravity. Without mould, we would not have Sir Alexander's life-saving penicillin. And without Penny, I would not be standing here today. Thank you to all, and to all a good night."

The audience erupted into applause. He could just make out the comments of those around him.

"I don't bewieve it!"

"Sheldon Cooper... shared credit!" That was Ramona Nowitzski.

"Way to go, dumbass..." A small smile was playing around Leslie Winkle's lips.

The camera zoomed in on Penny's face then cut back and forth between them.

He had never seen either so happy.

Each perfectly happy without him.

Each perfectly happy in spite of him.

When it came to their story, he wasn't the Hero.

He wasn't the Nice Guy.

He wasn't even the Faithful Sidekick.

He was the Villain.

"Hi."

Penny turned around, eyebrows raised in cheerful enquiry.

It was painful to watch the radiant smile die on her face.

"Leonard." She looked doubtful. Her eyes flicked over to where Sheldon was standing, holding court with a group of admirers. With a clench of his heart, he realised she was worried for him. Worried that Leonard was going to embarrass him.

"I'm not here to make a scene," he said quietly.

He was relieved when she seemed to accept that. "Okay."

"I'm here to apologise." She blinked then her eyes flicked over to Sheldon again. "Not to him. I… I need to think about that. I wanted to apologise to you."

She looked genuinely surprised, and he hadn't thought he could feel any worse than he already did. "The stuff I said to you, Penny… You didn't deserve that."

Her smile was a little rueful. "Some people would disagree with that…"

"Well, yeah," he replied, with a self-mocking smile. "The therapist who had to deal with the emotional fallout from my mother's remarks would probably be one."

Her eyes closed. "God, Leonard…"

He waved her attempt at an apology away. "Forget it. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad again. And I'm not… I'm not here to totally let you off the hook either. What you did, it wasn't okay. But… I get why you did it." He twitched, recalling the hollow emptiness of waking up to her empty bed. "Sort of."

"Thank you." She sounded sincere.

"And I'm sorry for how mad I got. For… how I spoke. About you. And Sheldon."

A ghost of a smile. "You're apologising for the how, not the what?"

He nodded. "Yes. Is that enough for you?"

The smile deepened, warming her eyes. "It's enough." She looked hesitant, arms twitching at her side. "So do we… Can we... hug now?"

He shook his head stiffly. "Not… not now." She looked disappointed but accepting. "But maybe ask me again sometime?"

Her smile was like the sun coming up.

It was a lot harder to track someone down than they made out in the movies.

The fact he couldn't remember her last name definitely hadn't helped things. (And definitely didn't help things in the shame department either.)

But Leonard hadn't let that deter him, applying the same kind of logic and resolution that Sheldon would to return an overdue DVD.

In the end, Google image search was his friend.

After hours of looking through snapshots, he discovered an indie comic whose style was familiar.

Further research using the comic's title finally gave him a name – an Alice DiMaggio was listed as contributor.

He found her business page on Facebook and finally caught a break; Alice DiMaggio would be signing copies of the issue and some of her original artwork at a store in Downtown.

The two days he had to wait passed in a dirge of nervous energy and chewed fingernails.

The feeling only increased as he waited his turn in line.

Then finally he was at the front.

She looked up, smiling, then recognition dawned, along with surprise.

He took a deep breath and spoke in a rush.

"You were right – I'm an asshole. I treated you terribly, and you're not the first woman I've treated that way. And I'm really sorry, because you deserved better. You deserve a genuinely nice guy, and I'm sorry I pretended to be one and let you down. For what's it worth, I'm working on it. And I hope one day I'll actually be one for real.

He turned to leave, aware of people's stares.

Someone snickered.

"Hey, wait." He turned back.

He watched warring expressions flicker over her face then Alice shook her head, but he got the impression it was more at herself than at him.

"Assholes don't say sorry without expecting anything in return. So… you're right, you weren't a nice guy. But maybe you're not a total asshole either." She hesitated. Her face was at war again. She shook her head once more then grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled something down before holding it out to him. "So maybe you can call me sometime, and we'll figure out where you fit in the spectrum."

His eyes widened in surprise. "Seriously?"

Her mouth quirked. She looked almost... affectionate. "Yeah, seriously." She nodded.

Something tugged at his cheeks, pulling them wide.

It was a moment before he recognised it as a grin.

Leonard wasn't the Hero; and he wasn't the Villain.

And he definitely wasn't the Nice Guy.

He was just Leonard.

The door burst open without warning.

Leonard tried to yelp but the scalding hot coffee he was drinking got in the way, so he ended up going into an extended coughing fit instead.

He could just about make out the cardigan-wrapped figure of Amy through his streaming eyes.

"Could women please stop bursting into my apartment first thing in the morning!" he said plaintively.

Amy raised an eyebrow. "Women plural? Becoming quite the stud, are we..." She upped and downed him. "Well, I guess it takes all kinds."

Leonard smiled fakely. "What can I do for you, Amy?"

"I'm sorry – am I being harsh? Jacob says low self-esteem as a child meant I evolved to either consider people above me and unhealthily idolise them or deem them beneath me and treat them with the harshness I feel towards myself. I basically did a whole loop of that circuit with Penny."

She seemed almost… bouncy, and in spite of his new resolution, he couldn't help poking at her a little.

"Penny? Shouldn't you be calling her 'bestie' again, now the two of you have made up?"

"Well... not quite yet. These things have to happen organically. Besides, I see it as more of a trio these days. Like Charlie's Angels." She flicked her hair off her shoulder with a naughty smile. Then looked thoughtful. "Really Bernadette needs to dye her hair red to complete the visual symmetry. I wonder if she'd go for that?"

"Again, I ask: what can I do for you, Amy?" Leonard was back to smiling in a fixed way. "If the response is 'help dye Bernadette's hair in her sleep' then my answer is no."

"Actually, Leonard, I'm not here to ask for anything, I'm here to help you out."

Leonard thought he could see where this was going.

"Okay, look, Amy, you've decided to forgive Penny and forget everything that happened. I get it-" He paused. "Actually, I don't get it, but it's none of my business. If you're happy to let her fully back into your life, good for you. Just don't expect the same from me. It's not realistic."

Amy shook her head. "I'm not here to talk about Penny. Every break-up is different and whatever relationship you have afterwards has to be one both sides are comfortable with."

He looked at her, a little surprised at her thoughtful response. "Thank you, Amy. I appreciate-"

"I'm here to talk about Sheldon."

Leonard's brow furrowed. "Okay, that feels even less likely than the other." He stared at her, amazed. "So you've forgiven him now totally, too? Don't take this the wrong way, but I had no idea you were this magnanimous..." He recalled her feud with Bernadette over the free parking space at Caltech. "Actually, I don't think I've ever seen you be magnanimous."

Amy shrugged, looking unconcerned. She sank into the couch to the far left of him and turned to face him. "I think talking things out with Jacob really helped."

"Okay, that's the second time you've mentioned him – who's Jacob?"

"Jacob Krasinski is a brilliant psychotherapist. Our dating app matched us. We had our first date two weeks ago and it quickly descended into him undertaking an extensive study of my psyche and its attitudes to love and sexuality, and then pointing out all of my related issues."

Leonard winced in sympathy. "I'm sorry, Amy."

"Don't be!" Her expression was pure joy. "It was the best first date I ever had. After he was done, we switched places and I identified the childhood trauma that had been holding him back. We celebrated our combined brilliance with high-school-style necking in the alley next to the restaurant. Turns out his tongue talent isn't just restricted to talking." She twirled her hair round one finger and giggled.

"Uh, Amy, much as I'm happy to hear your dating life is going well, I'm not really sure what-"

"My point is, I'm moving on with my life. And I'd like to help you do the same. The way I see it, you have a choice. You have two ways to move forward: either cut Sheldon totally from your life or negotiate a new relationship paradigm that both parties are comfortable with. Which is what you've effectively done already with Penny."

"And what you've done with Sheldon?" he challenged.

"I'm about as okay with Sheldon as you are with Penny. It's a ceasefire rather than a total reconciliation. And this way, I still get to study his brain on occasion."

"I'm impressed." He swigged from his coffee cup. "But our cases are a little different."

"The first thing we need to do is tackle that self-righteousness," she murmured.

His brows drew together again. "Excuse me?"

Amy's expression changed, leaving him with the unnerving feeling that he was a specimen under a microscope. "Sheldon never spoke to me about the North Pole when we were together. I knew the experiment was a failure, of course, but I never knew that you and the others had interfered with it."

All the air left Leonard's lungs. "He told you?"

She shook her head. "No. Penny did. She said she'd felt awful for him at the time, but hadn't known how big a deal the whole thing was until after she and Sheldon got together." Her gaze was piercing even behind her glasses. "But you would have known, Leonard. All three of you would have." He looked away. "From an academic point of view, I'm pretty disgusted in all of you. But from a psychological point of view, the whole thing is fascinating.

"You were willing to falsify positive results and thereby sabotage his experiment, not to mention allow the repercussions this would have on his academic credibility. Repercussions, as a scientist, you would have known about. You would need a strong motivation to react that way. Howard would claim that motivation was purely down to how much Sheldon annoyed you. But I don't think that's the true reason. You had cohabited with Sheldon for several years prior to the expedition. You knew what you were getting yourself into. And while we could postulate the increased intensity of contact and lack of external outlets caused you to snap, there is no reason to conclude the output from that formula would be for you to falsify the results. It is far more likely that you would have caused him physical harm or at the least given verbal abuse. But you didn't. Your driving desire wasn't to hurt Sheldon – your driving desire was to come home."

"I know where you're going with this, Amy," Leonard said wearily. "So, let's just save some time: I wanted to see Penny. Things had been left up in the air, and I knew there was a chance we might get together. But the longer time went on..."

"The less likely it was Penny would still be single when you got home," Amy completed. "You let your base desires overcome your academic conscience. As well as your loyalty to Sheldon. Not only when you altered his experiment, but again, when you returned to Pasadena. You let him go to Texas and didn't go after him until Penny made you." His hands tightened around the mug in his lap. But there were no defences left against this particular offence, so he said nothing. "It suggests that subconsciously you perceived Penny and Sheldon's bond as a threat even then. Which also explains why you weren't bothered to see him leave the second time. I suspect you picked up on something in Penny's behaviour that indicated the threat had grown.

"I don't believe your actions were consciously malicious, but after learning all this, the most fascinating conundrum was why Sheldon would ever forgive you in the first place. A superficial reading of the available data suggests that Sheldon would place his professional aspirations over and above personal ties. To question his work is to question his essence, so your actions should have had much more far-reaching consequences. But they didn't, did they?" Leonard was slumping more and more into his seat. He'd never considered it that way. Just accepted at the time that his crazy volatile roommate was so happy to get out of Texas, he'd decided to let it drop and come home... The Texas he'd just spent more than a year in...

"Maybe his need for status quo..." he mumbled then trailed off.

"Sure, that's part of it." Amy nodded. "His need for group integration overrode his personal feelings of betrayal. And even consideration for his professional career. Keeping the group together was very important to him."

"Sheldon's not exactly a hundred per cent innocent in all this, you know." A pang of anger went through him, but it was much duller than it would have been, even a week before.

Amy nodded again. "True."

"His actions tore the group apart. His and Penny's. Not mine."

She tilted her head. "Or you could argue your, Howard and Raj's actions were responsible for irreparably damaging the group years earlier." Leonard was silent. "You could also argue that there is scope to repair and move forward, and it isn't Sheldon and Penny standing in the way of that."

He glared at her for this low blow. "That's not fair, Amy. You're trying to guilt-trip me."

She shook her head. "Not my intention – though definitely a previous failing of mine according to Jacob. If I were trying to guilt-trip you I'd point out that group integration alone would not have been a strong enough incentive for Sheldon to disregard his feelings and aspirations. That it is likely there was a specific emotional attachment to the instigator that was more important to him than the rest."

Leonard found himself recalling his conversation with Professor Proton years before when he'd asked him why he and Sheldon were friends. The question had made him defensive on Sheldon's behalf. The idea that people might not see his good points, might not see the ways in which he was actually a pretty great friend...

He's a little broken, and he needs me. I guess I need him, too.

He swallowed. He could feel Amy's eyes on him.

"My intention isn't to push you either way – just to lay out the facts and let you choose your own path. Both parties have experienced significant emotional distress through the actions of the other; the damage on both sides was extensive. So I reiterate: you can either cut your losses, cut Sheldon out completely, and in doing so, potentially limit your interaction with the group. Or, if you feel it's worth the cost, you can liaise with Sheldon and try to construct something new from the wreckage. So my question to you, Dr Hofstadter, is whether there is anything left worth salvaging?"

Sheldon was sat on his own at a cafeteria table. At first Leonard was a little surprised by this until he noticed the folded card sign he'd set up next to him.

RESPITE TIME NEEDED. PLEASE DO NOT APPROACH.

The phrasing was Sheldon's; the handwriting was Penny's.

He hesitated but when else would he get the opportunity? Sheldon nearly always had professors hanging around him at Caltech, or Raj or Howard.

He pulled the bundle of papers from his bag and walked up to the table.

"Here." He held the pages out with an awkward little shuffle.

Sheldon took the stapled document then raised an eyebrow, reading the title out loud. "The Reconciliation Agreement?"

"It's a document to determine how we will relate to one another from hereon in," Leonard replied, keeping his tone Sheldon-esque. "Things we promise to do." The tone faltered. "Things I promise I won't ever do again…"

Sheldon's eyebrow was still up. "A Friendship Agreement?" he queried.

Leonard shook his head. "No, it assumes a base-level of Treasured Acquaintance. But there are built-in checkpoints to reassess. See?" He ran a finger along a particular clause a little shyly. "Points where we can staircase if we both want to, towards a full-blown friendship."

"Leonard, I don't need you to chauffeur me around everywhere anymore." Sheldon paused. "I have Penny for that now."

Leonard's lips twitched in a smile in spite of himself. "Well, you should have a read-through before signing, of course. But favours aren't really the point of it. It's more about… spending time together again. Seeing… seeing if there's something worth saving." He swallowed. "What do you think?"

Sheldon's fingers were clenched tight round the papers. Almost tight enough that you couldn't see the tremor. "As you say, I'll need to peruse it, most likely correct some errors, and I'll need my notary to look over it, too. But that notwithstanding…" He stopped flipping through the pages and met Leonard's gaze. "I think you've got yourself a provisional deal, Dr Hofstadter."

Leonard held out his hand.

Sheldon took it.

Leonard was the protagonist in his own story.

He got to choose how his story ended.

And that was enough.

Five years later...

"Are you sure it's okay we're in here?" Bernadette sounded uncertain as she laid a trestle table with food.

"Of course, it's okay. I'm basically a god to Caltech now," Sheldon replied off-handedly.

"That and I slipped the weekend janitor a twenty," Penny chimed in.

"I wouldn't worry, Bernadette." Amy lowered herself into a chair. "Between the five of us, we've gotten the institute a lot of publicity over the past few years. And let's face it – there's too many of us to fit everyone and the equipment in a regular-sized lounge."

"That's true... and gym floors are a lot easier to clean vomit off of than carpets," she mused.

Sheldon leapt to attention. "Which one vomited?" He whipped his emergency wipes and surgical gloves from his pocket.

Emily eyed him. "Do you just carry those around in your pants?"

He shot her a reproving look. "You don't? Children are highly unpredictable. They can emit effluvia from either end at any time. If you're not prepared, you might as well be dead."

Leonard was watching Stuart with a dubious expression. "What are you doing?"

Stuart straightened up from his squatted position and swapped legs, leaning into another deep lunge. An action which brought his illuminous green sweatband alarmingly close to Leonard's face. "Stretching, my man. Last year I strained my hamstring and after an unfortunate sequence of events involving lights-out and forgetting to wash my hands, Jeanie imposed a lifelong ban on Deep Heat in the house." He turned and swapped legs again, providing Leonard with a rear view "I'm not taking any chances."

Leonard scrunched his face up. "Yeah, okay, but that still doesn't explain why you're doing it in hot pink short shorts."

Stuart checked his wrist watch. "We don't have time for that story."

"Okay, enough with the chit-chat." Howard was looking impatient. "We doing this or what?"

"Of course." Sheldon straightened up to his full height and raised his chin. "Children's round first, if your offspring is ready?"

"Oh, I was born ready, baby." Howard's feet danced with nervous energy. "Our kid is so going to kick your kid's ass!"

"Please: with my IQ and Penny's uncanny combat abilities, it is in fact Mikey's 'ass' that will be 'kicked'."

"Good trash talk, honey."

"Affirmative."

"I still can't believe you let him call your kid Albert," Leonard commented en route back to his seat with two beers.

"Hey, I like the name Albie! And it was either that or Einstein. You gotta pick your battles, you know? Besides, I get to name the next one." Penny's eyes gleamed with what could either be maternal excitement or relish at impending revenge.

Amy patted her rounded belly. "Give it another couple of years and little Farrah-Fowler-Krasinski will be giving you all a run for your money.

"That's right, my love." Jacob bent down and pressed a kiss to her cheek. As always, she lit up under his attention.

"God, I'm glad we're not involved in this." Leonard spoke from the corner where he was holding his girlfriend's hand.

"God, I'm glad you said that!" Alice exclaimed, looking vaguely alarmed at the proceedings. There was a pause. "Though you realise our offspring would totally win if we had one, right?"

"Absolutely." They clinked their beer bottles in agreement.

Emily and Raj were too busy lining up the children to pay attention to this by-play.

"Hey! No grown-ups allowed!" Bernie and Howard's pint-sized four-year-old was vocal in his outrage. "No fair!"

"No fair!" Mikey's little sister Debbie parrotted him, pointing with an indignant finger before grinning through the gaps in her teeth.

"Calm down, little man," Raj crooned. He stroked his pseudo nephew's head, immediately calming him. "Auntie Emily's just plotting the course…" He turned away to speak out the corner of his mouth. "So we can blow the competition out the water during the adult race."

Emily laughed. "Raj, that won't work! You're not gonna get away with running the toddler course."

He turned back to the excitedly chattering children. "Just remember, darlings! There is no pressure to come first – you are all winners in our eyes!"

Emily smiled at him. She and Raj were currently in an "on" phase of their historically volatile relationship. But the gang had hopes it would stick this time. They had been back together almost a year, and the two looked… content.

Arjun ignored his father, eyes narrowed on the person he knew to be his greatest rival. He had his dad's colourings and his mom's strength of will. Little Aishwarya waved her chubby arms, squealing excitedly. At just under two years' and still inclined to butt-shuffle, it was doubtful how much of the course she'd manage.

Arjun's intimidating stare was wasted on Albie whose eyes were rapidly flickering over the course, assessing and rejecting possible routes.

Albert Wyatt Cooper was tall for his years, with large green eyes and the kind of blond hair that would turn brown with age. He had long arms and legs, but lightly toned muscles saved him from total gangliness.

"Penny." Sheldon materialised next to her, hands clasped behind his back. He leaned in and lowered his voice so it was for her ears alone. "I have run several simulations, and there is a eighty-two point six per cent chance recurring that Albert will win."

"That's great, honey," Penny replied in a distracted tone; she had several pages to learn before rehearsal the next day and had taken to carrying the script round with her so she could cram a little reading in whenever she had a spare minute.

"Penny?"

"Mmhmm..."

"What if I'm wrong? What if he doesn't win?" His worried tone made her look up. His wide blue eyes were the mirror of his son's, and both pairs were her weakness.

She laughed and went up on her tiptoes to peck him on the lips. "Then we'll still love him."

He made a frustrated noise. "Our continued affection and support for our son is not under threat – my mint copy of Green Lantern Volume 2 number 87 is!"

"Sheldon! Did you use our son in a bet?"

He twitched. "Yes. Howard tried to claim his offspring is superior. Things... escalated."

"Oh, you bet against Mikey?" Penny made a dismissive gesture. "Oh, don't even worry. Albie will kick his ass." She raised her hand to forestall him. "And before you tell me all the freak simulation occurrences that would stop that from happening, if he does somehow lose, we'll go double or nothing in the adult's race and I'll get it back. Okay?"

Sheldon visibly relaxed. "Okay. But you have to go full Queen Penelope on his heiny."

"Of course." She patted his cheek.

They made their way to the start line.

"Okay, is everyone ready?" The adults made affirmative noises; the children bellowed their agreement. Penny felt her husband's hand slip into hers. He was staring at their son as if he could propel him forward by strength of will alone. She shook her head, laughing, and squeezed his hand back. "Let the third annual Laser Chess Tournament begin!"

fin