Sardonically Sarcastic!
FlorMorada
I do not own Victorious.
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Porcelain Pale Jadey
…
So, I wake up all depressed and angsty to the sound of my alarm clock ringing. You know, the one with the scissors for hands because I'm just so obsessed with scissors omg.
I open my eyes and shut it off, sighing as I get up from my bed, and remember how I hate my life because I'm so depressed and fuck everything and ughhgh.
I walk over to my wardrobe and open the door, looking at all my black clothing/gothic dresses/Black Veil Brides t-shirts because you authors want to look like you listen to those types of bands or something? I choose a pretty average outfit, which you guys decide to describe extremely unnecessarily,
In a way such as,
'Jade attaches the red streaks to her hair before getting dressed (which is oh so interesting, that is why it is explained over an average of about two or three paragraphs). She finishes putting her clothes on and applies her dark, heavy eyeliner bc woo dark make-up, and stares at how it stands out from her porcelain, pale skin or whatever. Jade then gets her bracelets, lifting up her sleeve to look at her arms
''' my arms covered with deep red crosses and lines and scars bc I cut myself bc I hate everything oh my life woe is me etc. '''
(yes, sigh, because as in every other Jade-centric fanfic, Jade self-harms),
and then she's finished and stares at herself in the mirror and smiles sadly at how much this hides her true, broken soul.'
...And then I monologue about how much I hate myself and I don't deserve my wonderful boyfriend because apparently I'm ugly etc.? Have I not seen my freaking eyes but ok then.
I continue my monologue about how I'm so not beautiful (((cry cry cry))) I need this make up and clothing to mask what truly is inside, oh how does Beck even deserve me I'm sO uGLY OH.
Oh and then my dad, my only parent, comes in, because apparently just because I never mention my mother means I do not have one.
"Jadelyn."
Oh I hate it when he calls me by my full name, "What, Dad?"
"Jadelyn, you're such a bitch, you're so worthless. Idk why I just randomly abuse you in every fic on here but I just do ok so *insert further abuse/hitting/other unspecified stuff here*, you're such a failure, you little shit."
And I'm like, "Daddy why must you do this to me ohhh. I'm going to school now I hate you so much," cryness.
And then I run screaming out the door, tears running down my porcelain pale face, to school, even though I haven't had breakfast or anything but whatever.
Because I'm, like, bulimic as well as cutter or something stereotypical like that, so who needs food; I'd only purge it a couple paragraphs down. 'Cause I like mUST have an ED in all these stories.
?!&~woo look at this swage line break~&!?
I get in the car and drive to school (so, you authors can explain a journey in 9 words but my morning routine in 87245 paragraphs, ok), and meet my boyfriend at my locker.
"Hi, Jade."
'Oh, hi, Beck."
I'm actually not really paying attention to him because remember, I'm all angsty and depressed so I'm in my own world, wallowing in my Jade-y depressing-y angsty sorrow,
But then Beck 'tilts my chin up' and leans in and kisses me and I look up and melt in his 'beautiful milk chocolate brown orbs'.
And the whole 'omg, I don't deserve him; I'm so lucky I have Beck to keep me strong' monologue comes in too.
And then Tori arrives. And regardless of whatever the story genre is, or ship, she's always completely OOC - a bitch to me even though, on the show, she never does anything HALF as bad. But anyway.
"Hey, Beck and Jade!" she says all cheerful and perfectly.
I roll my eyes at her. Apparently I'm secretly jealous of her and I want to be loved like she is, but, like, my true soul is masked, so instead we're...frenemies.
"Hiya, Tori," Beck says. Tori smiles back.
""" oh god, she's such a slut - smiling at another girl's boyfriend just because he says hi ugh, wHORE """
And then Tori's like, "Beck, let's go have some sexy time later!"
(In reality, "Beck, we need to work on the project our anti-student consolidation whatsoever, it's not our fault we're partners, teacher put us in; can we meet at my house after school?")
And, "Okay, Tori", Beck says, and then last period's bell rings (end of the school day already?) "OK let's go bby mmm I'm excited"
(In reality, "Sure.")
And then they both leave.
...But I thought Beck and I had a date tonight!
""" wHY IS TORI sUCH A BITCH? """
And then Cat comes, giggling, "Hey, Jadey, aren't I so random and naïve I love to eat my hair bc it's the colour of cupcakes LOL", which, actually, she never really says in the show (at least not in season 1).
And even though she's bipolar, I know she's just acting like this because of her past (bc everyone at HA was/is abused or whatever, u no?), so I say, "Cat, stop acting like a fucktard."
And she's all, "HehEHE, SOZ, jADe."
"Cat, what should I do; my boyfriend has completely left me (because forgetting about a date (which hasn't even happened yet) is totally 'leaving' you) and Tori hates me! (exaggeration much?)"
"Aw, I'm so sorry, Jadey" she says, hugging me (and, occasionally, you author might now make more apparent the possible romantic element of 'Cade', even if the story says "Character B: Beck", not "Cat".
I ask Cat if she wants to hang out tomorrow (because it's not like there's school; it's probably the weekend already, who knows? The day's never really specified is it) and she says she's already hanging out with Tori.
"SORRI, JAYD", she giggles, before skipping off or something, whatever the dumbass does.
I slam my locker shut (oh, we're still by the lockers, are we, author?) and begin to walk out of school.
So, first my boyfriend leaves me for my bitch of a frenemy and now my BFF has ditched me too?
""" oMG I HATE MY LIFE """
And I decide to, you know, as it's an angsty, depressive, Jade-centric fanfiction, commit suicide.
?!&~line break~&!?
/Cut.
I breathe in sharply from the sharp pain from the sharpety-sharp-sharp blade.
/Cut cut cut. I watch as the blood gushes out of my wrist oh looks like I've cut an artery wow, science. My vision gets blurry but I take one last look in the bathroom mirror, watching the tears roll down my 'porcelain pale face' because that's still the only fucking adjectives you fucking authors know :))) .
And then I'm dying. The world is about to turn into darkness,
BUT THEN BECK COMES OH EM GEE
Yelling, "Aaah, Jade, nooo," having got in here because my house is, like, unlocked lol wut?
And I'm losing so much blood so I'm just like, "Beck, water u doin here I thinked u were wiv Tori."
"My Bade feels were too strong; I knew you were in trouble but I didn't know it was this serious!"
And then my vision blurs even more. "It is, ily, Beck, I'm sorry."
"No, please don't leave me, Jade, nooo."
And then Beck either lifts my pale, limp body up and drives me to the hospital, explaining to them about my suicide attempt, and me waking up a day later to his 'beautiful nougat chocolate brown orbs' or something, us living happily ever after,
Or I die there and then, and things like SUPPORT don't exist, so Beck commits suicide too.
*and then insert your wonderful, 'review-whore'y author's note here*.
End.
...
And now, the actual me. ;D I've written this all, literally, a few hours earlier than you're reading this, so apologies for...whatever.
I'm in no way mocking suicide or self-harm or eating disorders, by the way. I understand, they're serious and take over your lives - I'd know. But it's all sarcasm.
Besides...I love angsty fanfictions. I doubt I can even write up to the standards of the ones I've just parodied.
...You want a Cat sarcastic fanfic? A Tori one, Beck; everyone else? If you do, review. I'd enjoy writing another.
...
FlorMorada.