So here we are again, better late than never. I got distracted by re-watching Brotherhood, I consider that a good enough reason to be late updating. Factor in recovery time for all the trauma-moments, and I'd say only being a week and a half behind schedule is actually pretty decent. Those feels... Urgh...

Disclaimer - I'm not Japanese, and my self-portrait is not a really awesome cow. So no, I'm not Arakawa-sensei, but I do borrow her characters for abuse in non-profit products of boredom such as this.

Roy leant against the wall next to the window, listening idly to Havoc and Breda's debate on breasts vs. backsides. He looked over to Hawkeye, expecting to see her ready to shoot but seeing her instead sitting quite calmly with one eyebrow raised and a smile playing across her features. There was a pen in her hand and paperwork beneath the pen, but she hadn't looked at it in a while. The General shook his head and turned his attention back to the conversation at hand.

"Yeah, but you especially need something to look at when she's walking away," Breda said. "Again."

"I'm sorry, how many dates have you had this past year?" Havoc asked.

"How many second dates have you had?"

Havoc turned to Roy. "I'd have a lot more if it wasn't for you."

Roy put his hands up. "This past year's all on you."

"What about you? Chest or ass?"

"You already know the answer to that one."

"True. You?" Havoc turned to Hawkeye.

She raised her eyebrow even further. "Are you actually asking me if I know what he prefers?"

Havoc shook his head, stretched his arms up and arched his back, rolling his head as he struggled to get all the kinks out of his joints. His back clicked a few times and he sighed, slumping down in his seat for a moment before sitting up straight again and looking back over to Hawkeye.

"No, I'm asking for your opinion. Are you an ass lady, or do you prefer our dear General's ample bosom?"

"I'm not above shooting you, you know."

Havoc grinned and turned back to Breda, spinning around a few times in his chair while he spoke. As Roy pushed off from the wall and headed back to his office, a chorus of catcalls and wolf-whistles sounded from behind him.

"Now that's an ass!" Havoc cheered.

"Because it's so obvious under the butt-cape," Roy said over his shoulder, pushing his hips to the side and striking a pose.

"Army showers, baby!" Havoc high-fived Breda. His expression straightened as he looked Roy in the eye. "Just don't drop the soap, Sir."

Breda turned to Havoc. "What would you give it out of ten? If Evelyn at reception is a seven."

Roy returned to his position by the window, smirking as he crossed his arms and watched Hawkeye following the conversation. She was resting her hand on her chin in such a way that her mouth was shielded, but Roy could tell from her eyes that she was trying not to laugh. There was a certain glint in them that she used to get when she found something funny during inspections that hadn't been there for a while. Falman and Fuery were staying quiet, keeping themselves out of the conversation for the time being even as they looked about ready to burst from holding back laughter. Fuery's face had taken on a pink tinge as he pressed his face into his fist, and Falman's eyebrows were raised as though this was his first time witnessing adbsurdity.

"Well he works out so it's gotta be pretty firm… Looks like it's in proportion, too, so a decent handful…" Havoc was gesturing as he spoke, groping the air in front of him as he tried to lean back far enough to see Roy's backside. "Gotta say, I'd probably give your ass a clean ten out of ten."

"So should we come back later…?"

Roy looked up to see Edward and Alphonse standing in the doorway, Alphonse desperately trying not to laugh while Edward just looked at Roy with a raised eyebrow and an amused smile.

"No, come join in the fun," Havoc said, waving them inside. "We're rating Mustang's ass out of ten."

"For reasons unknown to everyone else," Roy said. He smirked. "Though apparently I'm a ten."

"Bullshit are you a ten," Edward said.

"Mr Elric," Havoc began, his voice high and whispery as he fanned himself with a folder. "Are you suggesting that you have the best ass in all of Amestris?"

"Oh, I'm not suggesting anything." He pointed at Roy. "You got nothin' on me, boy."

By this point Alphonse was doubled over and struggling to breathe, leaning against the doorframe as his eyes watered. Roy couldn't resist.

"I don't know, I think Al might be a contender."

The younger Elric shot upright, his eyes wide as a deep blush tinted his cheeks. Edward was the first to crack up, a moment before everyone else in the office. Even Hawkeye was openly laughing, Roy noticed, her eyes crinkling at the corners as she watched the young men seat themselves on the extra chairs. Alphonse was still blushing when the laughter and cheers died down enough for him to speak.

"I'm sorry, ladies, but I'm taken."

"Aww, damn it." Havoc threw the folder down onto the table. "Break my heart, why don't you." He turned to Edward. "And let's face it, you were never really on the market to begin with… Why, world? Why are you so cruel?"

"That's sort of why we're here," Edward said, scratching the back of his neck.

"I'll only take you if you grow boobs."

"Not really in my plans for the future."

"I knew you didn't really love me…"

Roy could see Alphonse grinning and caught his eye. The younger alchemist nodded at him, and Roy found himself smiling as Edward began talking again.

"So, uh… Found something out the other day, thought you all might be interested…" The blonde hesitated until Alphonse nudged him; he smiled at his brother before turning back to the soldiers and taking a deep breath. "Winry's pregnant."

There was a moment of silence before the office erupted into cheers. This time Falman and Fuery didn't keep quiet, instead competing with Havoc for loudest shouts as Breda reached over and slapped Edward on the back. Hawkeye's eyes widened as she turned to Roy.

"You knew," she said.

"And you didn't tell me I'd won?" Falman asked.

"That'd just give it away," Roy smirked.

"Won what?" Edward asked.

"We took a bet on what was eating you last week. Falman got it right, but it wasn't my news to tell."

Edward raised an eyebrow. "You took a bet on what was bothering me?" He stared around at the soldiers as they nodded, none of them showing any hint of regret. "I have to admit, I kinda want to know what everyone else bet... And how the hell Falman knew... And why you all bet on what was bothering me..."

"You really don't want to know what everyone else bet," Hawkeye said with a grimace. She turned to the others. "I wish you hadn't insisted on sharing them."

"It was just deduction and guesswork," Falman said.

"And we bet because it passes the time here." Roy frowned. "Though it's normally Falman who wins, so we share our bets to make sure he isn't cheating."

"I told you, it's all observation."

"And some damn suspicious luck."

"So why was it getting to you so bad, anyway?" Havoc asked. The excited hubbub died down almost instantly. "For a little while we thought something might actually be wrong."

Edward raised an eyebrow. "And yet you still bet. We sort of didn't plan on it, had to work out what we were going to do."

"Well, I hereby offer my services as a health coach."

"I'll be its alchemy teacher," Roy said.

Riza cocked her gun. "And I'll teach it discipline. It'll be like you're not even necessary."

"Except for diaper changes. No way am I going near that…"

"You people are insane," Edward muttered, shaking his head.

"You've known us since you were twelve, and you only just noticed?" Roy smirked and pulled a chair up to the big table, shoving some papers aside before turning his attention back to the brothers. "So when did you get back to Central?"

"About a week ago," Alphonse said. "But I've got exams coming up so I've been swamped."

"Haven't you been getting full marks in everything?" Havoc asked. "Surely you can relax a little?"

Alphonse shifted in his seat. "I don't want to break my streak…"

"You're such a nerd," Edward muttered with a smile. He leaned forward onto the table, resting his chin on his folded arms as Alphonse sat back in his seat and pouted. "It's still weird. This whole thing, I mean. It came completely out of the blue."

"You think you're going to be okay with it?" Fuery asked.

Edward glanced at Roy before focusing his gaze on the table. "Don't know. We keep getting told it'll all be okay, but… Guess we'll wait and see."

"Nah, you'll be fine," Fuery said. He clapped his hands together. "This is going to be awesome!"

(-)

"Well they all seem pleased," Roy said.

The evening was warm and humid as they walked to the car park, the heat causing waves of distortion to drift up from the ground ahead. The sky was burning orange in the setting sun.

"You're still doubting yourself, aren't you Brother?"

Edward shrugged, his boots scraping along the ground as he walked. "Can't help it." He stuffed his hands into his pockets and stared up at the fiery sky.

"While I realise that's one of your quieter and therefore more appealing personality traits, you're going to have to get over it pretty soon," Roy said. "You're going to be a father."

Edward grimaced. "Don't remind me."

Roy stopped and stared at him. "You're actually scared about this, aren't you?"

The Elrics stopped a few paces in front of Roy, Alphonse watching his brother with interest while Edward stared down at his feet and rolled a pebble around with his boot, hands still in his pockets. Alphonse nudged him, and the older Elric shrugged without looking at either of the other men. Roy smiled and closed the distance, putting his hand on Edward's shoulder and giving it a light squeeze before turning and walking towards his car.

"You'll be fine, Ed."

It's a little dialogue-heavy, I know, but I wrote the speech first and then couldn't find any good places to break it up. I got a bit carried away with the ass-judging... Let me know what you think.

- Puddy