The Meaning

Tobias.

I'm going insane.  That's the only word for it. 

Tobias, this isn't the way.

Shut up, voice.  Shut up.  You don't know anything.

Listen to me, Tobias.

Yeah, you've probably guessed my name is Tobias.  And I was slowly dipping down towards Earth even as I fought the internal battle within myself.  Clenching the small urn tighter in my talons, I struggled to catch another thermal.  It was ironic, I thought derisively.  Rachel's urn was weighing me down in the physical world, just as it was in the – what?  Mental world?

That's it.  You are definitely going insane.  Three years of this war and it's finally won, and now you choose to go insane.  Brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant.  I sighed as well as a red-tailed hawk can sigh and shifted my grip on the urn.

Just then, a peregrine falcon chose to blow by my left wing.  I jerked left immediately, the small urn falling from my grasp and falling down.  No!  I dove after it, folding my wings tightly.  The falcon had recovered from the dive and was swooping up, hastily flapping out of the way to avoid my own dive.  I ignored it.  It was useless now.  All that mattered was catching the urn.

"Tseeeeeer!" I screamed, plummeting towards Earth rapidly.  The urn tumbled over and over, falling as if in slow-motion for me to see.  It had – perhaps a fifty feet head start.  But I could catch it.  I knew I could.

No, Tobias.  Let her go.

Startled, I veered off my dive, skimming across the thin air and flapping desperately.  The urn hit the ground with a loud craaaasssssshhhh sound and shattered into pieces.  The black ash inside spilled out.  No! I shouted, going into a plummet again.

Tobias! the voice roared.   Let her go.

Never, I snarled back.  I folded my wings closer to my body, zooming towards the ground at one-hundred miles per hour.  It came closer and closer – I opened my wings seconds before splattering and skimmed weakly across, rocks and pebbles stinging and scratching my belly.  I didn't care.  Nothing mattered anymore.  Nothing but getting that urn.

I began my morph.  Wings shriveled up as feathers sucked themselves into my skin.  My beak shrunk to form my human nose as a pair of lips burst out from my growing head.  My feet grew in size even as weak human nails formed where my once killing talons had been.  A scrunching sound was heard as my insides rearranged themselves.  In just seconds, I stood, fully human.  Without thinking, I ran over to where the urn had fallen...and saw nothing.

The wind, I moaned.  The wind had carried her ashes.  They had carried what remained of her away from me.  And now what did I have left of Rachel?  Memories?  What good were those?  With a pained cry, I leaned my human head over the ashes and began to cry.

I let her go! I ranted.  I was so damn close...I could have saved her!

She was already dead.

No! I sobbed, picking up a piece of the urn.  Not to me.  She wasn't dead to me.  Not so long as I had her.

Tobias...

No!  Just shut up!  Are you happy now?  Angrily, I stood, flinging the piece of the urn as far as I could.  Are you happy?  Whoever you are, you had damn better be happy because now I've lost everything...forget that crap about reincarnation.  Everything dies.  And now I've lost her.

Then, the world went black.

***

You didn't lose everything, Tobias, Elfangor said softly, walking towards me.

I dully raised my head.  "Where are we?"  All I had last remembered was crying over Rachel.  And now...I was here.  A swirl of gray.  I focused bleary eyes on Elfangor.  "You're dead," I said.

You're not dead, if that's what you want to know, Elfangor said, giving me a rare smile.  You know who I am, now.

"Father," I said flatly.  "It was you, wasn't it?  You made me lose her."

Tobias, he sighed.

"Why?" I asked hoarsely. 

He came within a foot of me, laying one many-fingered hand on my shoulder.  She was a warrior and deserved a warrior's burial.  You couldn't have kept her.  She needed to go free.

I shook my head.  "No."

He offered a sad smile with his eyes.  Tobias, my son...

"Are you sure I'm not dead?" I mumbled, "Because being dead would mean I wouldn't be dying inside."

You will come to get over your grief, Elfangor said rationally, sympathetically.  All four of his eyes met mine.  You have won the war.  Now peace can come over the galaxy for the first time in years.  You have done what I could not.

"No.  I'm done with this damn war."

You must go back to your friends.

"I'm never going back," I said flatly.

He gave a small smile...and suddenly I was back, plummeting toward the ground at 100 miles per hour!  Wings, idiot! I screamed.  You have wings!  Gasping as well as a bird can, I struggled to open my wings, fighting against the rushing ground coming up to meet me.  It was insane!  No, it was INSANE!

Jerkily, I rose, flapping wildly.

Tobias?  Is that you?

I veered and circled, seeing the faint shadow of an eagle from a mile away.  Rachel!  A moment later, common sense hit and I sighed.  It wasn't Rachel.  It was Cassie.  Disappointment crested in me.

I considered not answering.  I could fly away.  She wouldn't be able to catch me in her harrier morph.  But I couldn't.  Not after everything she had done for me.  Yes, I sighed resignedly. 

Cassie began fluttering towards me.  Please land, Tobias, she pleaded.

I consigned and began my morph to human just as her features began to resume those of a human.  "What?" I asked as soon as my human mouth emerged from my beak.  She didn't reply, only continuing her morph.  As I noticed, her skin grew lighter.

She was becoming Rachel.

"She wanted me...to give you this."  Cassie pulled my head towards hers and gave a swift kiss.  I grew into it, enjoying the moment, closing my eyes and wishing the past few days hadn't happened.  They hadn't.  She was alive.

Cassie pulled back.  I gazed at her, seeing all the features of my beautiful, wonderful, perfect Rachel.  Rachel.  What a great name.  "Cassie," I started.

She slowly shook her head, gave me one last peck on the cheek, and then –

Disappeared.

Just like that.

Impossible.  But it had happened.  Had it been Cassie?  Or had it been...Rachel?

You didn't lose everything, Tobias.  Not everything dies, my son.

I stood in the clearing, blinking hazily.  Then slowly, I began my demorph.