Disclaimer: If you read this, it will become obvious very swiftly that I indeed do not own the Lord of the Rings.

A/N: Yeah, I don't know what this is. It is something, though, and I unleash this dollop of insanity upon the world with pride. You know, I should memorize this entire thing, and the next time someone is bothering me or trying to sell me something, I should just rattle this off :) I bet it would make them go away pretty quick!

WARNING: This is incredibly crazy. I love it! XD

Don't say I didn't warn you. This is FANfiction. Craziness should be expected. And no, this is not supposed to make any sense, unless you try to make it make sense, which I wouldn't recommend.

Pippin's Story, Or The Story of the Amazing Thing and May You All Become Towels

The Fellowship were very bored. Ever since Gandalf had died, they had all felt rather desolate (or had felt more desolate than usual in the case of Frodo). Lothlórien was fun, Pippin thought, but they weren't there anymore, and besides the Elves hadn't really enjoyed the giant bubble bath the hobbits had made with a small lake and every hair care product in Lothlórien.

"We are all so grim," Boromir commented upon surveying his companions. "Perhaps we could do something to cheer ourselves up." He glanced over to where Frodo was sitting forlornly under a tree.

Legolas caught his look. "An excellent idea!" the Elf announced. "We could tell stories to lighten our hearts!"

"Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!" Pippin was jumping up and down. "I want to tell a story! I really want to tell a story!"

"All right, Pippin, I'm sure you know many fine and worthy tales from the Shire. You may tell us your story," said Aragorn.

Pippin squeaked, sat down, and took a deep breath.

"All right. Once upon a time there was something really amazing, only no one knows what it was because then it disappeared. And you know, my mother always told me that if you combined something with nothing then you'd get potato chips, and since I love rabbits I never brush my teeth with mayonnaise. On and on falls the rain, but it never goes up, unless of course it's a tornado, in which case you must not follow the leprechaun, but instead know your monkeys."

By this time, even Frodo was looking at Pippin weirdly.

"I love pizza, but bacon comes from the moon and so it is a deity, though corporations that make sandwiches will try to tell you otherwise. Mars is red because it is a piece of a rusty pitchfork and will cause you to be grounded for two weeks unless you steal a pie and swim through your founding fathers' curtains until you reach the whale that has a tan. The next step in boiling a soufflé is to paint it pink and turn it upside down while farting.

"If dipoles attract opposites then you must count to the number between two and three and wear a tutu every Hensday until the cows. Butterscotch is a vegetable and is very ambiguous and will make you faint. I've always wondered why penguins like nail polish, but no amount of nachos in the dark will make them see the light. Somehow, some way, all cows are married to Santa Claus, even though soap is found in showers and makes you clean. Once I was a lobster, but now I prefer potatoes. And then I told her that half of a chicken is inherently dangerous, and everyone doesn't know. I think that maybe I'd like a taco, unless I'd like a vacation. Everybody has a secret fear, but does everyone have a secret steer?

"Pumpkin mitten butterflies,

Llamas wear piranhas.

Carpet baggers' doorknob ties,

I love eating pajamas.

"I told them all that I was President, but as usual they mistook me for a seashell. My twenty fruitcakes went after him, but it was no use. The banana had become a pineapple.

"And so I impart my boxes with the hope that someday you may become towels. Yankee doodle was a ukulele! Pillow!" Pippin finished with a flourish, and beamed proudly at his audience.

The members of the Fellowship were exhibiting an amazing display of the effects of mental trauma.

"I… I do believe that I did not understand a word of that," said Boromir uncertainly. He was slightly afraid that after all this, something disastrous might happen, such as the explosion of the universe.

"What is a penguin?" asked Sam. "Or Santa Claus? Or monkeys?" Pippin smiled and shrugged.
"I have no idea," he said happily.

Legolas looked traumatized, and then disturbed. "You sound like my father. After he has had way too much to drink." Muttering in Elvish, Legolas climbed a tree.

"That was an excellent story, Pippin," said Aragorn. "Though I confess I didn't understand it, it was most amusing."
Pippin beamed. Aragorn was at a loss for anything else to say.

Gimli appeared to take the story in stride, though his face had magically begun to recede into his beard.

Frodo merely blinked at Pippin.

"Well," Aragorn whispered to Boromir, "if we haven't cheered Frodo up we've at least given him something else to think about." Boromir slowly shook his head.

"I liked it, Pip!" said Merry. "But you forgot all about the bagels, not to mention the flying mutant dishes that play red fiddles."
"Oops! Sorry Merry!" Pippin giggled.

That night, after everyone had gotten over their disturbance somewhat, had stopped watching worriedly for the leprechaun, and were settling into their respective bedrolls or tree branches to go to sleep, there was a slight calm. And then Pippin said something that caused their blood to go cold and chills to run down their spines:

"That was fun! I hope we can have story night every night."

A/N: I may or may not write more chapters for this. I could write similarly strange stories from other people (though in their own style, of course). Elrond, probably. Maybe Gandalf?

Should I write more? Did you like the insanity and confusion? Tell me what you think!