Not Jim.

Oh God. Father of Christ, he knew, he knew when they brought in the body bag after the decontamination. He heard from Lt Uhura when she came in to break the news to him. She was gentle; she understood that he and Jim had a greater friendship than most people saw. Jim was more than a friend. He was a pain in the ass, constant migraine, thorn in his side, closer than a friend or a brother, loyal, conceded ass hole who didn't even think of what his death would do to his best friend.

Goddamn him. Goddamn Jim. He just had to go and play hero. That idiot.

When Nyota came in red eyes and sobbing he knew something happened, he just didn't expect it to be this bad. He didn't expect to hear that his best friend was dead. She brought him into his office, thankfully enough, in retrospect, because when she told him she didn't sugar coat it. She clearly explained that that son of a bitch went into a radioactive area where the core was to realign it. Knowing he would die. Knowing he wouldn't even be able to leave the thrice damned room.

He had to go and play fucking hero.

When Nyota told him he knew he shouldn't have been surprised. He wasn't in all honesty. He expected something like this. He lost everyone eventually. His wife, his daughter, all his shit, now his best friend.

Dammit Jim. He was an aviophobic misanthrope and he followed Jim into space where there's all sorts of death traps, diseases, not solid ground, constant movement and panic. Somehow this disaster magnet wormed his way into Leonard's-Bones' life.

He had poured hours into keeping that kid alive and had memorized every single one of his allergies, all the hypos he's used on that kid, checking everything to make sure he didn't accidentally kill himself...and now he went and did it on purpose.

He had no sense of self preservation and Bones had been trying to drill one into that incredibly thick skull of his. It apparently hasn't worked because he went and fucking got himself killed and He couldn't do a damn thing. All this time, all his medical knowledge and expertise, new cadets and doctors had heard of him and all his miracle surgeries. He had become a legend in the medical field and he couldn't even save his best friend.

When Nyota told him he tore apart his office. Every medical book ripped off the shelf. Every paper scattered on he ground, ripped, ruined. Nyota just let him get it all out. He only stopped when he noticed himself gripping a photo of him and Jim ready to shatter it to the ground. He stopped and stared at it. He felt his heart break and he collapsed to his knees, clutching the picture for dear life, crying like a child.

Nyota held him and hey both cried. This was the end. Bones had nothing else.

Now as Chief of Medical he had to examine his best friends corpse. When he opened the bag and saw the emotionless face of his best friend it was all too much. He turned away unable to even be that close to the body. He could barely hold himself up, he stumbled into his chair.

It couldn't be happening. Jim said he wasn't planning on going anywhere. He wanted to do the five year exploration, that was his dream. To boldly go where no man has gone before. But Jim has no where no man can return from.

He was so close to just breaking down again, not caring who all saw. Part of him wanted to kill Jim himself for leaving him. Leaving him with no one, his bones were already aching and aging from all Jim had put him through, and now he had nothing.

He was all alone in this God forsaken empty space.

He had lost all hope.

He had nothing left for him.

Dammit Jim.

.

.

.

He saw movement or of the corner of his eye.

And there was hope.

Incase you haven't figured it out this has MAJOR spoilers so it's you're own fault if you read this without seeing the movie.
ION (I own nothing)

I also got major feelings from this post about Bones and Kirk (as if I didn't already have enough)
post/45791226145/i-w-a-n-t-y-o-u-t-h-e-r-e-ok-but
Also I wrote this while on a long ass car ride on my phone and then posted it off my phone with copy paste fyi