Armourines

"Are we mean?!"

"Yeah!"

"Really mean?!"

"Yeah!"

"What are you?!"

"Really really mean!"

"Ooh-rah!"

Winter let the sergeant have his "ball busting session," as it was referred to. Why it was called "ball busting" he didn't know, considering that "balls are a man's best weapon," according to the NCO, with women being covered by frag grenades. Either way, he let the session continue. It was one more reason why he was happy with the rank of corporal, and that whatever was killing Rhino 2-1 on the Sulaco aside, he at least didn't have to deal with people who'd likely get themselves killed anyway.

"Corporal."

"Sir."

Compared to Sergeant Freedman, Armoury Officer Durrand was quite civil. Quite quiet as well. Maybe it came from the job position, Winter supposed. Spending all one's time handing out guns rather than using them, wondering how many people they'd kill, while hoping that they'd keep your own men safe…it would explain his subdued nature at least.

"Captain Cruz wants me as his eyes and ears," Winter explained. "So hit me."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I want the good stuff, and lots of it," the corporal said. "Best weapons money can buy. Or rank. It's not as if I'm being paid anything."

"Oh, don't worry," Durrand murmured, sliding a card across a scanner and opening up a weapon rack. "I'm not paid that much either."

Yeah, well, no shit. Not as if you're going to get hazard pay anytime soon.

"Mark Two M41A pulse rife," Durrand said, putting the weapon on the counter. "Small clip size than your usual baby, but it's got better stopping power."

"Nice," Winter said, taking the weapon in his hands, feeling its weight, and checking the clip. "I'm sure we'll be great friends."

"ARMAT ME7A2 pump shotgun," the armoury officer continued, putting down a second weapon on the counter. "Little friend for close encounters. Think you can handle it?"

Winter smirked. "Oh, don't worry. I know how to handle little friends."

"Yeah, that's what she said."

Winter stared.

"Oh don't look so surprised Corporal, scuttlebutt doesn't only apply to the enlisted." Durrand started rummaging in another one of the lockers. "She's a lucky catch."

"Yeah. Right."

Winter fingered the shotgun before slinging it over his shoulder along with the pulse rifle, subsequently before attaching the bandoliers along his armour. Once he was in the umbilical he could decide which weapon to use. Still, he felt…naked.

"Something wrong Corporal?" Durrand asked.

"Oh, well…only that I'm going in there alone. You know, a ghost ship. Whatever's there killed everyone on the Sulaco, and still seems to be there to finish the job."

"Well, don't worry, because I've got one more friend to give you."

Winter leant forward eagerly. A pistol was put down in front of him.

"M4AE service pistol. Holds-"

"Jesus Christ Sir…a pistol?!"

"One that holds twelve rounds per clip, higher than average accuracy and firepower."

"I know that, Sir."

"Then you won't have a problem." Durrand shoved forward a box of clips. "Take what you need."

Winter sighed and loaded up. Standard shotgun, standard pistol, and a pulse rifle that deviated from the Mark I rather than improved on it. When Cruz told him he was going to be his eyes and ears, he'd expected a bit more…pazaz. Whatever that meant.

"You sure there's nothing else you can give me?" Winter asked.

"Just some grenades." Durrand shoved forward another box. "Take what you need."

"Yeah, but…I mean…don't you have anything more…special?"

"Listen you little shit," Durrand snapped. "You've got more firepower on you than an entire Army platoon. So get your friends on your back, put one in your arms, and keep your biological little friend tucked in before I show you what true screwing really is."

Winter blinked. "You were working on that insult for a long time weren't you?"

Durrand shrugged, his demeanour becoming more relaxed. "Guns don't talk back. Enlisted don't talk much when they're getting them either. Making up insults is part of the job description."

"Yeah, but, I mean, don't you have anything else?" Winter asked. "I mean, hypothetically…in theory, could you give me something more advanced?"

"Oh sure," Durrand said. "I could pop out a phase plasma pulse rifle or sonic ball breakers."

Oh my God.

"And in theory, I could give them to you."

Oh my…could he…could I…really have…?

"But I can't."

Fuck!

"Yeah, sorry," the officer said, as if reading Winter's mind. "The pulse rifle is a Cyberdyne invention, and they restricted usage ever since one of their androids went into a gun store and kept demanding it from a clerk before shooting him. Some rogue termination protocol."

"And the ball breakers?"

"Sorry, they're restricted too, and I don't know if you know this, but they suck. Really suck. Stick with the frag grenades."

"But-"

"And besides," Durrand smirked. "According to…a certain someone…you know all about ball breaking already don't you?"

Winter swore. Loudly. On the other side of the room, a private looked up in shock.

"So, anyway," Durrand said, taking the spare ammunition and grenades back into the lockers. "Good hunting and all that. And don't worry. The plasma rifle sucks also."

"Yeah," Winter sighed. He started heading for the airlock. "Course it does."

A/N

So, decided to bite the bullet and get round to actually playing Colonial Marines. My thoughts on the game as a whole aside, I got 'inspired' to right this. How and why? Well, here was the thought process:

1: DLC should not be used to make consumers pay for stuff that should easily be in the game. And if it's a must, it should be reserved for material that doesn't impact gameplay.

2: But since I got the collector's edition, I figure I may as well redeem the codes to get, among other things, the plasma pulse rifle and ball breakers.

3: The plasma pulse rifle is practically useless given its long charge time (as in, xenomorphs move far too quickly to make it effective) and the ball breakers are no better than regular grenades.

4: Vent spleen by writing sattirical oneshot.

Hopefully it worked out.