Something's Cheesy

"Atten-shun!"

Billy Hill didn't know why the general said "atten-shun" rather than "attention." Or "stand up," or "hello class," or anything else that might reflect that the fact that he was addressing SCV pilots rather than soldiers.

"Be seated."

But regardless, Billy did so, putting his rear into the gear-lacking chair that awaited his posterior. As did every other pilot in the room.

"I'm sure you all know why you're here."

"Actually, we're not," called out one of the pilots, currently in the midst of buttering a biscuit. "I mean, we land on this planet, you tell us to go out and harvest minerals, and then suddenly you call us back into the command centre for a meeting."

"That's because I don't micro," the general said, walking over and taking the biscuit away, eating it for good measure. "Now shut up and listen."

An image appeared on the flatscreen behind him. It showed some kind of protoss robot making its way up a ramp. He kept watching as it came to a halt and planted something, a ball of light appearing soon afterwards.

"The cannon rush," the general said. "The bane of every terran commander."

"I thought swarm hosts were the bane of our lives," Billy asked. "You know how many times I've had to watch as all those bunkers and siege tanks I repair are worn away by locusts?"

"Be that as we may, we're fighting protoss," the general snapped. "Now watch."

The pilots did so. Billy glanced out the window as a MULE came down, threatening to take over his job. The day the unions gave up the fight and allowed MULEs to last longer than a few minutes was a day he feared even more than an ultralisk.

"And voila, a photon cannon," the general said. He shone a laser pointer onto the photon cannon, currently in the midst of taking out every SCV and marine that got near it. "The battle is lost. The protoss have won all because of their cheese tactics."

"Hey, I object to that!" cried out one of the workers, currently in the midst of putting cheese on his biscuit rather than butter.

"Yeah, why pick on cheese?" Billy asked. "It's not as if the protoss can even eat."

"I discovered the tactic, I call it what I want!" the general yelled.

Billy doubted that. He'd seen this tactic used before, way back during the Brood War. A terran general had reported on it back then. Some UED guy from a country called Korea if he remembered correctly.

"But regardless, I came here to tell you that you're safe," the general beamed.

Could have told that before the MULEs stole our jobs.

"I have come to tell you about the latest development in research and development."

"Yeah yeah," a pilot muttered. "We get a new unit or structure, the protoss and zerg balance it out."

"Yeah, and the Dominion is nerfing our armed forces anyway! Remember when Reapers were actually useful? Man, that was-"

"Behold," the general declared, showing a hologram of something that looked like a sensor tower, only wider and shorter. "The cheese detector! A warning for all commanders that the protoss are utilizing a cheese tactic."

Billy sighed loudly. The general glared at him.

"Something you might like to add, Mister Hill?"

"Well, y'know, considering we'll be building these things, yeah," he said. He got to his feet. "Firstly, this is a stupid idea. Secondly, if we deploy this cheese detector, something else will be nerfed, or the zerg and protoss will develop new weapons to make up for it. And thirdly, this is a stupid idea."

"You said that twice."

"Yeah, well, some things need saying that."

"Well let me say this once," the general growled. "You'll build this structure. You'll enjoy doing so. Every time you finish you'll contact me with the words 'job's finished.' Once you utter those words, you'll go back to the mineral line. Or build something else. Or if need be, go scouting even if it means you'll likely die."

Billy lowered his gaze. His cousin Lester had died like that.

"So anyway," the general declared. "Emperor Arcturus-"

"Actually I think it's Valerian now."

"Has given us permission to use this new device," the general continued. "And if anyone says it's the marines' problem, that it's their job to take out probes and not SCVs, well…tough shit."

Billy wanted to say something, but it was too late. The general's mind was set. The device was going to get deployed. It was like his entire life had become an open beta where every idea under the sun was going to get passed. It-

"Sir! Sir!"

All eyes turned to the entrance of the room. A marine was there, the head of some kind of robot in his hands.

"A probe?" the general asked.

"Yes sir! Found it at the ramp sir! Took it out before it could set up a pylon and cannon sir!"

"Excellent!" the general declared. He gestured to the SCV pilots. "See? See what the detector has done?"

"Actually sir we haven't got a detector. You killed our mineral stream when you brought all the SCVs in for a briefing, and the MULEs fell apart minutes ago."

Billy sighed in relief. Nightmare over, he reflected. No cheese detectors. Not this late in the battle. Maybe he could get back to harvesting or building supply depots before-

Warning! Warning! Zerg rush detected.

"Dammit!"