Disclaimer: All characters and places belong to J.K. Rowling.
Notes: I remember reading a comment once that Draco Malfoy had never been able to conjure a Patronus, because he didn't have enough happy memories. I felt rather sad about it, because even though he was by no means a nice character at Hogwarts, I always felt like he deserved a chance to try to redeem himself and be happy in his adult life. So, I decided to make a small attempt to rectify this issue in this fanfic, with a little help from Harry Potter.
In the Darkest of Places
Back at Hogwarts, Draco would never have been able to conjure a Patronus.
Even before his thoughts and memories had been invaded by images of Dark Marks, the Battle of Hogwarts and the Room of Requirement, he simply didn't have any childhood or teenage memories that would have been powerful enough to cast the spell successfully.
The only Hogwarts memories that really stood out were those which involved arguments, fights and Quidditch games against Harry Potter; but Draco had never been convinced that these could really be counted as 'happy' memories. After all, Potter always won every argument in the end, leaving Draco feeling miserable all over again as soon as their battles were over.
He had been rather annoyed when he found out, through rumours and gossip from his fellow Slytherins, that Potter had managed to cast a Patronus Charm by the end of third year, as Draco always hated it when Potter was able to do something that he couldn't. But even then, he hadn't been tempted to try to conjure a Patronus of his own, mainly because he knew that it would have been impossible, but also because he would have been mortified if Potter had somehow found out that Draco hadn't been able to match up to his spell-casting abilities. It was bad enough that Potter had always got better marks than him in every single Defence Against the Dark Arts exam.
oOo
After the Battle of Hogwarts, any thoughts of happy memories and Patronuses had been far from Draco's mind.
In fact, he probably would have done anything to get rid of most of his memories altogether, as his traumatic flashbacks of the fire in the Room of Requirement and his former headmaster standing at the top of the Astronomy Tower seemed to have taken to invading his thoughts during the day, before they returned to torment him in his nightmares every single night.
During that post-war period, Draco was all too aware of the fact that he would have been lucky to experience enough joy to make up one happy memory, let alone enough happiness to conjure a Patronus.
oOo
It was only after three years of working as an Auror that Kingsley Shacklebolt had started to drop hints that given Draco's line of work, perhaps it would now be a good idea to master the Patronus Charm.
At first, Draco had reacted angrily to Kingsley's suggestion. He had told him that he was being unfair, before storming out of his office.
When he hadn't been able to get Kingsley to change his mind, he had taken to folding his arms sulkily and complaining that he shouldn't be forced to learn something, just because Potter could do it, before storming out of the Minister of Magic's office all over again, making sure to point his wand at the door whilst he muttered a spell which caused it to slam loudly behind him.
After he had calmed down slightly, Draco had then attempted to reason with Kingsley, trying to get him to see that there wasn't much point, really, in wasting precious time and energy attempting to conjure a Patronus, because thanks to one of Hermione Granger's many new laws, the Dementors were no longer guarding the prisoners in Azakaban, and they were rarely seen by witches and wizards now, anyway.
He had also informed Kingsley (with a very smug smirk) that he had already perfected many other defensive spells over the years, thank you very much, and he was therefore more than capable of protecting himself, even without the help of a Patronus Charm.
When that hadn't worked, Draco had finally swallowed his pride and admitted to Kingsley that the truth was that he was scared of attempting to conjure a Patronus, because he was sure that he didn't have enough happy memories to call upon in order to be able to cast the spell correctly.
He had then muttered something about how, when he thought about his memories of the past, the thoughts always took him back to the darkest of places; places without hope, places full of despair, places without any promise of redemption, places without any promise of a future.
"And don't even think about giving me the happiness-can-be-found-even-in-the-darkest-of-time s speech," Draco had warned him. It was already painful enough having to listen to Potter quoting Albus Dumbledore every time things got difficult at work, without having to hear similar lines from Kingsley.
But Kingsley had simply smiled his knowing smile, a smile that always reminded Draco of Albus Dumbledore and consequently made him feel yet another rush of sadness and regret.
"I think," Kingsley had told him with a nod of understanding, "that if you really look, you'll be able to find your happy memories…even in the darkest of places."
So, encouraged by Kingley's belief in him, and also the prospect of bragging to Potter about how he had mastered yet another spell, Draco had finally nodded in agreement, promising that he would try his best.
oOo
At first, Draco practised casting a Patronus Charm in the drawing room of Malfoy Manor.
He had temporarily transfigured a few of the old Malfoy family portraits that hung on the walls so that they now resembled moving images of Dementors, in the hope that these dark images would motivate him to cast the defensive spell successfully.
He was certain that for many witches and wizards (his parents included), the Manor would have seemed an unlikely place to attempt to master a spell which relied so heavily on the ability to recall happy moments, as a dark cloud and a sense of despair seemed to have hung over the place for years, definitely before and during the war, but also for several years after Voldemort's defeat.
For Draco, however, his childhood home was the logical place to begin, not only because it meant that he could avoid practicing in his office at the Ministry of Magic, where there would be a constant risk of his colleagues finding out what he was trying (and probably failing) to do, but also because in his own way, he had managed to create a few happy memories at Malfoy Manor after the war, underneath the cloud of despair.
As he held his wand at the ready and tried to find his happy memories, Draco began by thinking about the day when he and his parents had been saved from a prison sentence in Azkaban. He tried to focus on the moment when they arrived home after the trial, and the sense of relief that he had felt.
However, this memory only helped Draco for a few minutes, as any positive feelings were quickly overtaken by his old underlying feeling of resentment that Harry Potter had decided to speak in his family's defense, meaning that Draco had had to depend on Potter for help yet again.
Deciding that it wouldn't be very helpful to keep coming back to that particular memory, he focused instead on his memories of his time at home with his parents in the years that followed the trials.
He thought about the look of relief on his mother's face every time she returned home from shopping in Diagon Alley and told Draco and his father that a few witches and wizards had actually bothered to speak to her.
He thought about his moments with his father, when the two of them would sit calmly in the drawing room reading books, playing quiet games of Wizard Chess or sharing a bottle of firewhiskey on more stressful days.
Draco's relationship with his father had been strained for a long time after the Battle of Hogwarts, but every now and again, they would put down their books or their bottles of firewhiskey and actually talk about the past, and based on these short and slightly tense conversations, Draco had a feeling that perhaps his father was sorry, somewhere deep down. He also knew that in spite of their arguments, he and his father would always have their bond between them, in their own strange way, which Draco had come to find reassuring as he moved past his teenage years into adulthood.
Draco couldn't help but feel amused as he remembered the look on his father's face when he had first started to invite Harry Potter to dinner at the Manor on the occasional evening after work.
The look was always something between wide-eyed shock, disbelief and mild admiration, as though his father believed that Draco had somehow planned the whole thing as a way of redeeming himself in the eyes of the wizarding world, even though this was far from the truth.
This look was always followed by several not-so-subtle whispered questions aimed in Draco's direction, usually along the lines of: "So, are you friends with Potter now?", whilst Potter would grin, make polite conversation with Draco's mother and pretend that he hadn't heard.
But Draco would always respond to his father's questions with a casual shrug, because he hadn't been sure if he and Potter were friends, or if they simply tolerated each other because they had to work together.
In an attempt to find an even stronger memory, Draco thought about the day when he had returned home after a long day at work to find Andromeda Tonks sitting at the kitchen table opposite his mother, the two of them drinking tea whilst Teddy Lupin played with Draco's old toy dragons on the kitchen floor.
Even though the conversation between the two women had been rather awkward and overly formal, when Draco looked at his mother, he had noticed a hint of a smile on her face, a smile that suggested that she was appreciative of the fact that her sister was attempting to repair their damaged relationship, and for the first time since before the Battle of Hogwarts, Draco had had a strange feeling that even though he had been forced to endure hours of insults from certain work colleagues, and even though the situation with his family had still been far from perfect, maybe one day, in the not too distant future, everything would be okay.
"Expecto patronum," Draco chanted.
He had definitely felt better as he focused on the more positive moments with his family, but by the end of the evening, he was still unable to conjure a Patronus.
oOo
Next, encouraged by his ability to find happy memories at Malfoy Manor, he practised at the Three Broomsticks, whilst he waited for a few of his friends who now lived in Hogsmeade to arrive for Saturday evening drinks.
Usually, Draco complained loudly and sulked over the fact that his former classmates always insisted on being 'fashionably late' every time they all went out together, as it meant that he was often left alone feeling bored and irritable in the corner of the pub, but for once, their tardiness actually worked in his favour, because it gave him a few minutes in a quiet and almost empty place to focus on his memories.
He knew that most of his friends would consider this particular pub a strange place for Draco to go to practise the Patronus Charm. After all, during his sixth year at Hogwarts, Draco's visits to this place had only served to remind him of the dreadful task that Voldemort had instructed him to carry out.
However, Draco was encouraged by the fact that he and his friends had succeeded in creating a few happy memories at the Three Broomsticks in their adult lives.
Instead of focusing on his more negative thoughts about certain 'friends' who had avoided him and kept their distance after the war, Draco focused his thoughts on the ones who had stayed by his side.
He remembered a few of his conversations in the same pub with Gregory Goyle, after the two of them had finally found enough courage to meet up for a drink so that they could attempt to talk about those awful moments in the Room of Requirement and share their memories of Vincent Crabbe, in the hope that talking about their experience would help to ease the pain.
Even though the pain had never gone away, Draco found it strangely comforting to be able to talk to someone who had shared a lot of his experiences at Hogwarts; someone who was a part of his past, a reminder of who he used to be, and more importantly, a reminder of how much the two of them had changed.
Deciding that he needed to find a much happier memory, Draco thought about a few of his other friends.
He thought about one of his new friends, Astoria, who had become his friend after the war, when both of their families had been facing trials at the Ministry of Magic.
He might not have known Astoria for very long, but she was definitely one of his closest friends, and she always encouraged him to confide in her when he was having one of his bad days, or she simply encouraged him to attend various parties with her or take her shopping in Hogsmeade on his happier days.
He had a feeling that certain members of his family and a couple of his friends expected the two of them to end up together, but for Draco, it wasn't like that. As much as he cared about her, she was more like the younger sister that he had never had.
Besides, he knew that if he and Astoria had been destined to end up together, then he wouldn't currently be remembering a few attractive male 'friends' who he had encountered at the Three Broomsticks on his nights out with her.
Deciding that he didn't want to get distracted by thinking about his past encounters, Draco started to think about Blaise Zabini's most recent wedding reception at the Three Broomsticks, which had been another happy event in his adult life.
Draco had almost lost count of the number of Blaise's weddings that he had attended over the years, but he was fairly sure that his fellow Slytherin was now on his seventh attempt at married life.
However, on the night of the wedding, Draco hadn't had the time or the inclination to make joking comments about the number of Blaise's weddings that he had attended, and he hadn't even indulged in his usual thoughts about how attractive Blaise looked in his dress robes, because he had been too busy getting drunk and sharing jokes with Harry Potter.
He couldn't help but grin as he thought about the look on his friend's faces when Potter actually accepted Blaise's half-hearted invitation for him to attend the wedding in an attempt at being civil. And, if his friends had looked shocked when Potter first accepted the invitation, it was nothing compared to the look on their faces when Potter strolled casually through the door with Draco.
Potter had barely left his side for the most of the night, and for first time, the two of them had been able to have a conversation that didn't revolve around polite discussions about work or petty arguments about work. For the first time, Draco had started to wonder if he and Potter were friends now after all, just like his father suspected.
Potter had even told Draco that he looked nice in his dress robes, and although Draco had rolled his eyes and informed Potter with a smug smirk that he always looked nice, he had still replayed Potter's compliment over and over in his head for several days afterwards, grinning like a Hufflepuff as he did so.
He also thought about two other unexpected friends who had walked into his adult life, thanks to Harry Potter. Well, perhaps 'friends' was too strong a word, because Draco was fairly certain that Weasley still disliked him, and Granger still wasn't above getting into ridiculous arguments with him about new laws on house-elf rights; but still, they had all learned to tolerate each other, and Draco nearly always accepted the invitation when Potter invited him for drinks or dinner in Hogsmeade with Weasley and Granger when they all happened to be there at the same time. It made him feel better, knowing that he could spend evenings with them without resorting to hexes and duels. It made Draco feel like he was growing up.
"Expecto patronum," Draco chanted, over and over.
Despite his efforts, by the time his friends arrived at the pub, he was still unable to conjure a Patronus.
oOo
Eventually, Draco moved his practice sessions to his office at work.
By anybody's standards (his work colleagues' standards especially), the Ministry of Magic was a strange place for Draco to attempt to find happy memories, as the building had once represented a dark place full of trials, accusations and threats of long prison sentences.
However, since he had started working as an Auror in the same building, Draco had worked hard to bring light to this once dark place.
He tried his best not to think too much about the time when he first made the decision to train as an Auror, and most of the wizarding world had reacted with disbelief and anger, and they had then gone on to talk about how they didn't think that he deserved the opportunity, and how they didn't believe that his skills as an Auror would match up to those of The Chosen One.
Instead, he focused on his memories of a day a few years ago, when he had single-handedly captured a dark wizard for the first time. He felt a rush of happiness as he remembered the sense of accomplishment that he had felt at the time, and the joy that he had experienced due to his moment of success and achievement.
He had then gone on to capture another dark wizard, and another one, and many, many more, and eventually, people had stopped doubting his ability.
He wasn't sure what had felt better, the pride at actually being good at something, of standing on his own two feet without his family, or the relief that people had finally started to understand the reason why he had wanted to become an Auror in the first place: Draco understood how dark wizards thought and operated. He had spent enough time with them to know how they worked, he had seen first-hand just how much darkness they could bring to people's lives, he knew all too well the feeling of relief when the darkness was finally removed.
Draco couldn't help thinking about the first time that Kingsley had asked him to work with Potter on an Auror assignment.
Right from their first day working together, there had been a lot of complaints, and tense silences, and arguments, and even a few duels in the corridors, although Draco had never actually mentioned the duelling to his mother or his Aunt Andromeda, as he had a feeling that they would have been somewhat disappointed in him.
Kingsley had even called the two of them to his office on numerous occasions after their arguments, staring at them with his I'm-very-disappointed-in-you-both expression that he seemed to have copied from Professor McGonagall.
Yet in spite of the arguments, the secret duels and Kingsley's disappointed expression, Draco had eventually come to realise that he and Potter had actually worked well together on their first assignment. Draco's understanding of the enemy and his careful thought and planning seemed to perfectly compliment Potter's bravery and sharp instincts.
Kingsley must have realised just how well they worked together long before Draco worked it out, because he went on to put the two of them together on assignment after assignment.
Draco smiled as he remembered his long days and nights out in various fields and forests with Potter as they searched for suspected dark wizards.
In order to pass the time whilst they waited around, the two of them had started to share stories with each other about the past, their families and their childhood.
Even though as an adult he was able to sympathise with Potter's account of his childhood, a part of Draco couldn't help but feel somewhat reassured at the fact that Potter hadn't lived as perfect a life as many witches and wizards would have had him believe. And, as Potter told him stories about how difficult his life had been after the war, how disappointed he had felt when he broke up with Ginevra Weasley, how guilty he sometimes felt about the break up when he went to visit The Burrow, Draco had started to realise that Potter was only human after all.
Potter had also started to confide in Draco about a few of his other secrets, secrets that Draco understood only too well, because he had a few of his own.
He told Draco that certain wizards caught his eye, he told Draco that he secretly found several male Quidditch players attractive, and he also told Draco that a certain male work colleague whose identity he refused to reveal held his curiosity, even though he was too scared to do anything about this curiosity.
Draco suspected that Potter always confided in him because he was the one person who didn't expect anything of him, and he didn't care if he made mistakes. He wasn't connected to his 'celebrity' life and all of its complications, and he was somebody who was almost an outsider when it came to Potter's personal life, or more specifically, his life at The Burrow.
Not that Draco minded too much. He liked to hear Potter's stories; he liked seeing his more vulnerable side.
He had also started to realise that Potter was actually rather attractive, outside in the fields and the forests, even with his messy hair and his uncoordinated outfits.
When he had first started to notice the attractive men at the Three Broomsticks, Draco had always believed that he would eventually end up with an elegant, articulate wizard with perfect hair who always dressed smartly; but there was something about Potter, with his unruly hair, casual robes and the dirt on his face as he ran through the forests chasing after dark wizards, that seemed to hold most of Draco's attention, and inevitably led to images of Harry Potter working their way into most of his memories.
Whilst focusing on his memories of sharing personal stories with Harry Potter, Draco could almost imagine that Potter was his friend. A friend who he had a few not-so-platonic fantasies about late at night.
"Expecto patronum, expecto patronum," Draco chanted.
Even though something that looked like a faint wisp of smoke emitted from his wand, he was still unable to conjure a Patronus.
oOo
In the end, Draco decided to practice at Hogwarts.
He locked himself away in the Headmistress's office, which Professor McGonagall had agreed to let him use, nodding along knowingly when he asked permission, almost as though she had been expecting him to pay a visit.
He was sure that for most of his former classmates, the school would have been the very last place that they would have expected him to go to attempt to conjure a Patronus, as most of the Slytherins (and a few of the Gryffindors) would probably have worked out that Draco had never really been happy at Hogwarts, even before his disastrous sixth year.
Yet as an adult, Draco had managed to find the courage to revisit Hogwarts in an attempt to stop associating the castle with his darkest memories.
As he raised his wand and attempted to focus on the good memories, Draco felt somewhat reassured by the sight of Professor Snape's portrait, which he could see out of the corner of his eye, almost as though his former Potions teacher was watching over him, willing him to succeed.
Draco thought about the first time that he had been brave enough to go back to Hogwarts; he thought about how he had walked through the corridors and opened the doors to empty classrooms, trying to make his peace with his past so that he could start to move on.
He had even managed to strike up conversations with a few of the professors, and he remembered feeling relieved that they had mostly been polite to him and congratulated him on his recent achievements at the Ministry, rather than making judgemental comments about his past behaviour at Hogwarts.
He also remembered a few of his visits to Hogwarts with Potter, when the two of them had been sent to Scotland on Auror assignments.
He had to admit that his visits with Potter had been a lot more fun than his solitary visits, as the two of them had often stayed to watch certain school Quidditch matches before eating their evening meals with the professors in the Great Hall.
These visits with Potter had given Draco a taste of what life at Hogwarts might have been like if things had been different, and a taste of what life could still be like, if he was brave enough.
"Expecto patro-" Draco started to chant, before he was interrupted by the sound of the door opening.
He turned around and was surprised to see Harry Potter staring at him from the doorway.
He hurriedly stuffed his wand into the pocket of his robes, for fear that Potter would see it and ask him which spell he was casting.
They stared at each other for a few seconds, and Potter seemed to shift uncomfortably under Draco's gaze.
Draco suddenly remembered that Potter must have come to Hogwarts to teach his weekly Defence Against the Dark Arts class. With all of his focus on his memories, he had completely forgotten that Potter would be here today as well.
"What do you want, Potter?" Draco asked with a roll of his eyes, trying to sound annoyed by the interruption, the way he always did at work when Potter barged into his office without knocking. But secretly, Draco was always pleased to see him. He just liked to keep him on his toes.
Potter had given him the you-know-you-can-call-me-Harry-now speech many times at work, but for Draco, a few old habits died hard.
"Er…" Potter mumbled, sounding like he was embarrassed about something, or maybe it was confusion rather than embarrassment, Draco wasn't sure. "Professor McGonagall said you'd be here…"
Now it was Draco's turn to feel confused. He wondered why Potter had come to talk to him in McGonagall's office, and why he looked so nervous. Draco saw him almost every day, and Potter was usually confident and assertive when he was around him, just like he had been during their Hogwarts years.
"And?" Draco prompted, wondering if he should continue with the annoyed act or try to say something soothing to calm Potter's inexplicable nerves.
"I was thinking of getting something to eat in Hogsmeade this evening after my last class of the day," Potter explained, apparently gaining more confidence at Draco's irritated expression. "Do you want to join me, seeing as you're here as well?"
"Are Granger and Weasley going to be there?" Draco asked, trying his best to make this sound like a neutral question, rather than a complaint. Not that Draco minded all that much, really. He was getting used to going to dinner with Potter and his two best friends. He was sure that the teenage version of himself would have been horrified at the very thought of it.
"No, they're not going."
"Longbottom?"
"No, I was thinking that maybe just the two of us could go…"
"This isn't a date, is it, Potter?" Draco asked him jokingly, with another roll of his eyes.
He expected Potter to roll his eyes in return, or to tell him to shut up or not to be ridiculous, but for some reason, Potter blushed bright red.
Draco stared at him in silence, now feeling as confused as Potter looked. Surely he hadn't actually meant…
"D-don't be ridiculous," Potter eventually responded. But he had left it a little too long to reply, and his reply didn't quite sound convincing enough. "Of course not," he continued to babble. "Definitely not, I didn't mean…well, unless you-"
"Relax, Potter," Draco interrupted him, "I'll go to dinner with you tonight in Hogsmeade." He tried to sound casual and unconcerned, as though his heart wasn't beating rapidly against his chest, as though the younger, more optimistic version of himself that secretly longed for Harry Potter's friendship wasn't currently wondering if he was the male work colleague who Potter admired. "But only on the condition that you're paying," he added. "Oh, and don't choose somewhere tacky like Madam Puddifoot's, and at least try to do something to fix your hair before we go…"
"You're such a prat," he heard Potter mutter, but Draco noticed that he visibly sighed with relief, and he was sure that he caught a hint of a smile. "Right, good," Potter continued, "I'll see you later in Hogsmeade, then?"
Draco nodded. He definitely felt happier than he had felt in weeks, but as Potter gave him one last nod and turned around to head out of the door, Draco realised that the feeling wasn't quite enough.
Before he could think about what he was doing, Draco took a few steps forward, grabbed the sleeves of Potter's robes so that he could spin him around, and kissed him on the lips.
He heard Potter gasp in surprise and he saw his eyes widen in shock, but after a few seconds, he seemed to forget all about the initial shock, because his eyes fluttered closed, and Draco felt him relax into the kiss.
The kiss was only light, almost tentative, and their lips only moved slowly, but for Draco, it was perfect. It was so much better than any of his kisses with the wizards at the Three Broomsticks.
The kiss seemed like the perfect conclusion after several years of sharing so much of their lives and so many memories. It was like they were finally friends, or perhaps much more than friends. It was like they finally understood each other.
After a while, Potter wrapped his arms around Draco's waist and attempted to pull him closer to deepen the kiss.
Draco would have happily kissed Potter for the rest of the afternoon, but the desire to master the Patronus Charm and the fear that Professor McGonagall might walk in on them prevented him from taking things further.
With great reluctance, Draco took a small step back, so that he and Potter were no longer kissing. He could almost feel Potter sighing in apparent disappointment.
"Later, Potter," he promised, already looking forward to more kissing in Hogmeade later in the evening.
"You'd better not break that promise," Potter told him, looking like he was struggling to suppress a grin, "or I really will force you to endure an evening at Madam Puddifoot's…" With one last look at Draco, he walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.
Draco put his hand in his robes pocket to find his wand, trying and failing to suppress a grin of his own.
He felt proud of himself as he thought about how much he had changed over the years, and how he had found happiness in once dark places, even (or perhaps especially) at Hogwarts.
He took a few deep breaths and raised his wand high, certain that he would now be able to conjure the best Patronus in the wizarding world.
