The Collister Fad
DISCLAIMER: I do not own South Park, or any of the appearing characters. South Park belongs to its creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
[South Park bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are standing there, waiting for the bus. Cartman arrives]
Cartman [laughs]: What the fuck are you guys wearing?!
Stan: What do you mean? It's what we always wear.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Cartman: You're so uncool! Weren't you guys at the opening of Collister yesterday?
Kyle: What's Collister?
Cartman: What? You don't know Collister?! It's the most awesome clothes store in the whole world! Haven't you seen the commercial?
Stan: No. Whatever, what I wanted to tell you: Tomorrow –
Cartman [interrupts him]: I'm seriously! You absolutely HAVE TO go there!
Kenny: (I can't afford it.)
Cartman: Sure you can, Kenny. They've got a shirt for only 45 dollars!
Kenny: (Cool, I still have the 50 dollars I got for giving that guy a hummer last week!)
Cartman: Yeah, cool, so are you gonna join me?
Kenny: (Sure.)
Kyle: You overexaggerate it all. It's just a stupid label, and I'm pretty sure at school nobody has heard of it!
Cartman: Oh yeah? Let's bet then. Five dollars, okay?
Kyle: Okay, you've already lost that one!
[Later, South Park Elementary, classroom. Everyone else is wearing Collister clothes. The boys enter.]
Cartman [grins]: You owe me five dollars, Jew!
Kyle: Aw, fuck it!
Cartman: I'll spend it on socks from Collister!
Kyle [takes a seat, angily]: Aww!
[Butters enters. He isn't wearing Collister clothes either.]
Butters: Well, hello, fellows!
Stan: You see, Cartman, Butters isn't wearing Collister either!
Cartman: That little fag doesn't count. And I could get him to buy something too if I wanted.
Stan: Oh yeah? I bet Butters finds this stupid, too, and –
Cartman [interrupting]: He's coming along.
Stan: What?!
Cartman: He's coming along to Collister.
Stan: Goddamnit, dude!
[The Cartman Residence, later. Liane is in the kitchen, doing the dishes. Cartman enters.]
Cartman: Mom…
Liane: Yes, Eric?
Cartman: Can you take me, my friend, and Butters to Collister?
Liane: No, Eric, we've been there yesterday. And you're already wearing an outfit from Collister.
Cartman: But Mooom, the more I have, the cooler I am. Don't you want me to be cool?
Liane: I surely do, Eric, but I've got a lot of housework to do today.
Cartman [whines]: But Mooooom, if Kyle gets something from Collister, too, he'll be cooler than me. Do you want that? I need these clothes or I'll end up like Scott Malkinson, or Kip Drordy, without any friends!
Liane: Okay, I'll take you and your friends there.
Cartman [angrily]: Butters isn't my friend, Mom!
[The Marsh Residence, night. The parents of the four boys are there. The men in front of the TV, the women in the kitchen. The men are wearing Collister clothes.]
Sharon: I see that your husbands are like Randy. All wearing Collister.
Sheila: Yes, Gerald refuses to wear anything else. He even wears underwear from Collister.
Linda: Stephen already spent 800 dollars on those clothes. Now I can't afford that Gucci bag anymore.
Liane: Eric also only wears Collister. He says otherwise he wouldn't be cool.
[Randy enters. He opens the fridge.]
Randy: Sharon, we ran out of beer.
Sharon [looks into the fridge too]: There are five more packages, Randy!
Randy: But that's not Doors, that's Blue Ribbon.
Sharon: You've been drinking Blue Ribbon all the time, so what's wrong with it now?
Randy: Don't you get it, Sharon? How often do you watch the commercials? I've been watching TV for four hours now, and I've seen the commercials 17 times. [he gets out a sheet of paper] The Doors commercial was on 14 times, while the one for Blue Ribbon was on only eleven times. Don't you see the logic in that?
Sharon: Uh, no.
Randy: The better beer always gets advertised more often, which means that Doors has to be better. Should I embarrass myself by drinking Blue Ribbon in front of my friends, Sharon? Do you want that?!
Sharon: Don't you think you overexaggerate? It's just labels!
Randy: Ask my friends what they think about Blue Ribbon!
[Sharon takes a can of Blue Ribbon beer out of the fridge. She follows Randy in the living room.]
Sharon: Does any of you want some beer?
Gerald: What brand?
Sharon: Does that matter?
Stephen: It surely does, Sharon!
Sharon: It's Blue Ribbon.
Gerald: Eww, you seriously want us to drink that?
Sharon: What's the problem with it?
Gerald: It's disgusting. Doors is waaaay better!
Sharon: You wouldn't even taste the difference!
Stephen: Oh, yes, we would!
Sharon: You wouldn't!
Men: We would!
Randy: Let's have a bet, Sharon! If we know which one Doors and which one Blue Ribbon is, you'll never buy Blue Ribbon again!
Sharon: Okay, and if I'll win, I'll only buy Blue Ribbon.
Men: Okay.
[The next day, South Park Elementary, classroom. Everyone except Kyle is wearing Collister clothes.]
Kyle: Oh, come on, guys! Are you serious?!
Cartman [mockingly]: I am cooler than Kyle, I am cooler than Kyle!
[The Stotch Residence. Stephen is in the living room, on the couch, reading the newspapers. Butters enters.]
Butters: Hello Dad!
Stephen: Hi Butters! [looks at him] What are you wearing?!
Butters: It's Collister. All cool kids wear it.
Stephen: So you wanna be one of them? Isn't the nice stuff your parents buy you good enough? Like, have you ever worn the yellow shirt with the red flower on it? You wanted to have it last time we were at the mall.
Butters: No, Dad. It isn't from Collister. And all the kids at school already think I'm uncool.
Stephen: Oh yeah? Butters, you have 53 shirts, 19 trousers, 42 pair of socks, and seven pair of shoes. Do you really need more?
Linda: Stephen, I think he has 51 shirts only, with the new one 52.
Stephen: No, I think with this one 54. Butters, you're grounded. And, by the way, count how many shirts you have!
Butters: Yes, sir. [goes upstairs]
[The Broflovski Residence. Sheila is watching TV. Kyle enters.]
Kyle: Mom, can I Talk to you?
Sheila: Sure. [turns off the TV] Sit down. [Kyle sits next to her.] What's the problem?
Kyle: You know, that Collister thing… I start to feel like an outsider because I don't wear Collister, and I don't wanna wear it, actually. But everyone in my class does.
Sheila: Don't worry, Kyle. It's just a fad. And I'm sure in a week nobody will even remember Collister.
Kyle: And what about Dad? Is he still wearing it?
Sheila: No, I convinced him to return the clothes. He's at the mall right now.
[Gerald and Ike enter. Ike runs towards Sheila and Kyle.]
Ike: Mommy, Kyle, look what Daddy bought me! [He is wearing a Collister shirt.]
Sheila [angrily]: Gerald! [Gerald is also wearing Collister again.]
Gerald: Yes?
Sheila: You said you'd bring this stuff back!
Gerald: But the shop convinced me to buy more. He was so nice!
Kyle [sadly]: I don't think this will end in a week! [runs upstairs]
[One week later. South Park Elementary, classroom, day. Mr Garrison enters.]
Mr Garrison: Good morning, children. Let's take our seats. We're gonna have a lecture from Mr Mackey today. Mr Mackey?
Mr Mackey: Thank you for the introduction, Mr Garrison, m'kay. We'll talk about branded clothes, m'kay.
Cartman [content]: Yeah!
Mr Mackey: Quiet, please, m'kay! I see many of you wearing Collister, for example.
Cartman: Everyone but Kyle!
Kyle: Shut up, fatass!
Mr Mackey: Boys, please pay attention, m'kay. This is really important.
Cartman: Maybe Kyle's too poor to buy it. He's so poor, he can't even pay attention! [the class laughs]
Mr Mackey: Eric, stop joking about your friends, m'kay!
Kyle: We're not friends!
Mr Mackey: M'kay, whatever. So, what brands do you know? [Cartman raises his hand.] Yes, Eric?
Cartman: Collister. It's a clothes brand, for those who haven't heard of it. Kyle…?
Mr Mackey: Very good, m'kay! [writes 'Collister' on the board] Anything else?[Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?
Clyde: Collister?
Mr Mackey: We've already heard that one, m'kay.
Timmy: Timmy!
Mr Mackey: That's not a brand, Timmy, m'kay. [Butters raises his hand.] Yes, Butters?
Butters: Uh, Mikey?
Cartman: Ooh, Mikey, that's so out, Butters!
Kyle: What?! It was so cool two weeks ago, and now it's out?!
Stan: That's the way the world works, dude.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Cartman: In the last two weeks we've become smarter to see that Mikey is shit.
Kenny: (Right.)
Kyle [still angry]: Aww!
[South Park Elementary, night. PTA meeting in the gym.]
Principal Victoria: So, do you think branded clothes should be forbidden at school?
Sheila: Yes. Everyone's going crazy about Collister lately. We have to put an end to it.
Linda: Yes. It's way too expensive! Stephen has already spent over 1000 dollars on it! Now we have to buy food froma discounter. It's disgusting! I once found a fly in the tomato soup.
Mr Testaburger: Wendy is only using hairbands from Collister. They cost ten dollars per piece!
Mrs Stevens: School uniforms would be a good solution.
Principal Victoria: So who is for school uniforms may now raise his hand. [almost everyone does.]
Man #1: I want to say something about it, too.
Principal Victoria: Yes, please?
Man #1: I'm working at a Banana Republic store. When the children have to wear school uniforms, they'll still shop at Collister for clothes to wear after school. And this doesn't mean more sales for Banana Republic! Collister took our jobs!
Man #2: It took our jobs!
Man #3: The Collister thing's just a fad. We have to wait until it's over. And, IT TOOK OUR JOBS!
Man #1 & #2: Yeah!
Linda: Maybe those men are right. Maybe we should just wait…
[The next day, South Park Elementary, classroom. Mr Garrison enters.]
Mr Garrison: Let's take our seats. Okay, I told you to write a story about your dream job. So how come everyone wrote almost the same story about working for Collister?
Cartman: Maybe because it's awesome!
Class: Yeah!
Mr Garrison: But not everybody can get a job at Collister.
Kyle: Right.
Cartman: You shut up, Kyle!
Kyle [angrily]: Ahh, it's enough now!
[In front of the Stotch Residence. Butters is in the garden, carrying a doll. Kyle arrives.]
Butters[singing]: La, la, la, the doll goes for a walk.
Kyle: Butters!
Butters: Oh, hello, Kyle. Do you wanna join me and my doll?
Kyle: No. I need your help.
Butters: With what? I'm grounded, y'know.
Kyle: That doesn't matter. Come with me!
Butters: I can't.
Kyle: Do you wanna put an end to this problem, or not?
Butters: Of course I do. [follows Kyle. They walk off]
[Later on. Kyle and Butters are on a bus.]
Butters: Uh, Kyle? What problem are we gonna put an end to?
Kyle: The Collister fad. Everyone's overexaggerating it!
Butters: Oh, okay. [Mr Garrison enters, sits next to the boys]
Kyle: Mr Garrison? What are you doing here?
Mr Garrison: I'm gonna go to Collister and complain about how they influence kids. Have you seen the commercial?
Kyle & Butters: No.
Mr Garrison: Look here. [gets out his iPad and shows them.]
[Commercial:]
Man: Have you ever felt what you're wearing wasn't cool? Have you ever felt like an outsider because of your clothes? Yes? Then here's the solution: Collister clothes.
Justin Bieber: When I first started making videos, I didn't wear Collister. Everyone told me my singing was awful and that I looked like a little girl or a fag. Since I wear Collister I earn millions of dollars per year.
Taylor Swift: When I uploaded my first video to the internet I got comments like "Were you just singing or only shouting", and "What the fuck was this shit?" Since I wear Collister, I'm really famous and get only good comments.
Justin & Taylor: Do you wanna be like us? Very, very famous and rich? Wear Collister! Wear Collister! Everything else is shit! Wear Collister!^
Man: Warranty for one minute. If your purchased article tears more than one minute after leaving the store, Collister has no responsibility.
Justin & Taylor: Wear Collister!
[Commercial ends]
Butters: I – I…
Kyle: What?
Butters: I have to…wear Collister!
Kyle: Hell no! Not you too, Butters!
[South Park Hilton Airport]
Mr Garrison [holding a map]: I heard Collister's headquarters were in Havana.
Butters: Havana? But that's in –
Kyle [interrupting]: Cuba!
Mr Garrison: Be aware, boys, Cuba is still a communist country!
Butters: Communist? But my Dad told me if I'd ever talk to a communist again, he'd ground me.
Kyle: Why?
Butters: Well, last year a Chinese guy asked me if he could have 100 dollars to pay the rent for his grocery store. He said he'd return it to me in a week. He seemed so nice, so I gave him the money. I never got it back from him, though. Dad was very angry with me, and now he doesn't give me any pocket money for a year.
[The next day, South Park Elementary, classroom. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny arrive. 9 o'clock. The bell rings.]
Stan: Where are Kyle, Butters, and Mr Garrison?
Cartman: Does that matter? Without a teacher, we can do whatever we want! And Kyle and Butters, who needs them?
Stan: You always do whatever you want, Cartman. [Mr Mackey enters]
Mr Mackey: M'kay, children. I've been informed that Mr Garrison isn't here today, so I will teach you.
Cartman: Where is he?
Mr Mackey: He went to Cuba with two pupils.
Stan: What are they doing there?
Cartman: I guess they're trying to be killed by those communists.
Mr Mackey: Mr Garrison just left yesterday, m'kay. He was shouting, "I'll destroy that company!", m'kay.
Cartman: Oh my God, I should've known!
Kenny: (What?)
Cartman: They'll destroy Collister!
Kenny: (Oh no!)
Cartman: Mr Mackey, I gotta go!
Kenny: (Me too.)
Stan: I'm gonna come along with them, too.
Mr Mackey: M'kay, you can leave as soon as you've solved them math problems on page 46 in your books.
Stan [doesn't mind]: Okay. [opens the book, starts writing]
Cartman [whispering]: Stan! Hey, Stan!
Stan [whispering]: What?
Cartman [whispering]: Can I copy from you?
Mr Mackey: Stan? Eric? Is there a problem?
Stan: No, Mr Mackey, we're okay.
Mr Mackey: M'kay.
Cartman [imitating]: M'kay. [stands up] I'm leaving!
Mr Mackey: Have you finished your math problems?
Cartman [sarcastically]: Sure.
Mr Mackey: Then you can leave, m'kay.
Cartman: Stan and Kenny have finished them, too.
Stan: Eh, no, I haven't.
Cartman: You have. Come on!
[Meanwhile, Hilton Airport, day. Kyle, Butters, and Mr Garrison are sitting in the waiting room, sleeping.]
Announcer [over the speaker]: Attention, please! Flight number 1049 to Havana José Martí International Airport, HAV, has been dalayed for two hours. Thank you for your understanding. Attención, por favor! Hay demora con el vuelo para Havana, José Martí Aeropueto Internacionál, HAV, por dos horas. Gracias por su comprensión.
Kyle [waking up]: Oh no, not again!
Butters [also waking up]: But we've already been waiting for ten hours now!
Kyle: We missed the flight at 8 o'clock just because you had to buy that stupid computer game!
Butters: It's not stupid! It's Hello Kitty Island Adventure 2!
Mr Garrison [wakes up]: They're still as slow as last year. Although I've written about ten complaint notes to them already.
Kyle: I hope the plane will actually arrive at 11.
Butters: Me too.
Mr Garrison: Maybe we'll get some chocolate as an excuse. I once got one when I was a child.
Kyle: Cool, dude!
Butters: Yeah, I love chocolate.
[Two hours later, the three are on the plane.]
Mr Garrison: Finally! [a stewardess arrives.]
Stewardess [holding up a bag]: Would you like some warm nuts, sir?
Kyle [whispering to Butters]: Only fags would eat warm nuts!
Mr Garrison: Yes, please.
Kyle [whispering to Butters]: There you see.
[Meanwhile, Hilton Airport. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are standing at the counter.]
Cartman: Three tickets for the flight to Havana at 11, please.
Woman: I'm sorry, it's 11:30, the next flight goes at 12. And how old are you boys anyway?
Cartman: Those two are ten. I'm 21.
Woman: Oh really? Can I see your passport, please?
Cartman[whispering to the others]: Does any of you have a passport?
Stan: No.
Kenny: (No.)
Cartman: Well…my assistant flew with the plane at 11, and he must've accidentally put my passport into his backpack. I'm sorry.
Woman: ID, please?
Cartman [looking into his purse]: Oh, it seems like Kyle has taken all of my ID cards too! Even my credit card! I think I'm gonna have to have to fire him.
Woman: Well, that's your problem, then. No ID – no flight. Sorry.
Cartman: Aw, damnit! [to Stan and Kenny] I've got an idea.
[In front of the next counter. Cartman is crying.]
Cartman: My Daddy got on the last plane to Cuba and I lost him. I'm so desperate! What shall I do? I'm just a poor little 10-year-old boy, all alone with my brothers at an airport!
Man: Oh, you can travel for free. Come here!
Cartman: Thank you so much, sir. If it wasn't for you, we'd have to die here!
Man: No problem. It's a pleasure to help little boys like you. Here are the tickets.
Cartman: Thank you. [gives them to Stan and Kenny, whispering to them] See, I told you that would work.
Stan: How stupid was that guy?
[Later. Mr Garrison, Kyle, and Butters are in front of the Collister headquarters.]
Butters: Wow, that's huge! [they enter.]
Man: Buenos dias! What's your regarding?
Mr Garrison [whispering to the boys]: Don't let them notice we're not Cuban.
Kyle [whispering]: Then speak Spanish to them, Mr Garrison.
Mr Garrison [whispering]: I'm not talking to communists. One of you has to talk.
Butters [whispering]: You do it Kyle. I don't wanna be grounded even longer than I already am.
Kyle [whispering]: Okay, but they'll notice we're not Cuban, then.
Man: Señor?
Kyle: Yo busca el…jefe de Collister.
Man: Ah, sí. Vamanos!
[In Jeff Mikes' office]:
Man: Jeff, those people want to speak to you.
Mikes: Ah, hola!
Kyle: Hola!
Mikes: I see you've come to tell me that my company is super! I've taken note of it, bye!
Kyle: No, no, no. We've come to tell you…the opposite of that, actually. Collister's shit. It's turning the States into a communist country, too.
Mikes: What do you think is our plan, boy?
Kyle: What? You wanna bring communism to the US? Why?
Mikes: Do you like Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift?
Kyle: They're crap.
Butters: I do. They're so good.
Mikes: Did you see the TV spot of Collister?
Kyle: Yeah…
Mikes: Why don't you buy Collister? Buy Collister! Buy Collister!
Kyle: No! Fuck Collister!
Mikes: That's enough now! [Cartman enters]
Cartman: NOOOOOO!
Kyle: Cartman?!
Cartman: What have you done?
Kyle: Uhh…nothing.
[Justin Bieber enters]
Justin[singing]: Baby, baby, baby, oooh!
Stan, Cartman & Kenny: Yeah! Super!
Butters: Woohoo!
Kyle: What's wrong with you? It's Justin Bieber! Justin Bieber, guys!
Stan: So what? He's awesome.
Mikes: It works!
Kyle: What works?
Mikes: We've hypnotized all the people with the commercial. Now they think Collister, Justin, and Taylor are cool.
Kyle: Why did you do that?
Mikes: Nobody bought Taylor and Justin's CDs, so I had the idea of hypnotizing people to like their music. They pay me half of their earnings.
Kyle: So it was because of the money?
Mikes: Yeah. But now you know too much. I'm afraid I have to…kill you all!
[Back in South Park, Marsh Residence. Sharon, Randy, Gerald, and Stephen are in the living room. The men are blindfolded, two cans of beer in front of every man. One Doors Beer and one Blue Ribbon Beer.]
Sharon: Ready?
Men: Ready.
Randy: We'll win, Sharon! I'm sure.
Sharon: We'll see. Okay. Then drink, and point at the can you think that Doors is, got it?
Men: Yeah. [they drink. Randy is the first one to come to a result. He's pointing at the left can. Stephen points at the left one, too, and so does Gerald.]
Sharon: So everyone is for the left one?
Men: Yeah.
Sharon: Well, you can look now. [They are suprised when they see they were all wrong.]
Sharon: See? You like Blue Ribbon better. And it's cheaper than Doors. So, from now on, I'll only buy Blue Ribbon.
Randy [still surprised]: But how…? Doors HAS TO be better!
Sharon: You see, it isn't, Randy. Admit it! Admit you were wrong! By the way, have you seen Stan lately?
Randy: I dunno. Maybe. I can't believe it, Sharon! [storms off]
[Meanwhile at the Collister headquarters. Mikes takes a gun out of his desk drawer.]
Mikes: You have one more chance to survive this. Will you wear Collister from now on, and won't tell anyone about my deal with Taylor and Justin?
Kyle [whispers something to Mr Garrison, loudly]: Yes, we will.
Mr Garrison: I just have one more question: Why don't you take better singers than those two?
Mikes: Well, if I would… [Kyle walks out of his office, gets out his cell phone.] Hello? Mr President? This is the Collister company. The assistant of the CEO, Mr Mikes, speaking.
Obama: Oh, James, it this you?
Kyle: Uhh, yes, I'm James.
Obama: Good to hear from you again! How's your wife? Is she feeling better?
Kyle: Yeah, she's fine. Listen, I gotta tell you something really important! The Collister company will be out of business soon, because Mr Mikes…ehh…evil twin brother took control of it. The quality of the clothes has been going down ever since.
Obama: Yes, I noticed that. Michelle bought a dress from Collister yesterday, so she could wear it at today's press conference. She couldn't, though, because when she wanted to pull it on, it tore.
Kyle: Yes, this kind of thing's been happening very frequently lately. So, if there are any more deliveries of Collister clothes, please don't accept them and send them back to Cuba.
Obama: Okay. Thanks for the information, James. Greet your wife from me! Bye!
Kyle: I will. Bye. [hangs up]
[Back in the office]
Kyle: Okay, we'll only buy Collister when we're back in the States, we swear!
Cartman: Finally you see how cool it is!
Kyle: Uh, yeah.
Mikes: Well then, leave now! And don't you ever come back here to critisize my company!
Kyle: No, Mr Mikes. We won't. And by the way, Collister is super! [They leave]
[The next day, South Park bus stop. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are standing there, talking. They're all wearing Bans shoes. Butters arrives.]
Stan: My Dad's still depressed because he lost that bet with the beer.
Cartman: Is it really that frustrating if you can't…[sees Butters. He is wearing the Collister clothes he had bought in the beginning. Cartman laughs.] What the fuck are you wearing, Butters?
Butters: Collister.
Cartman: What's Collister?
Butters: The brand you were so crazy about the whole week.
Cartman: Oh, that. You know what, Butters? These are the ugliest clothes I've ever seen. Why don't you go with the flow and wear Bans shoes? They're so cool! Haven't you seen the commercial?
Butters: But…?
[The end.]
A/N: I came up with that story, because many of my friends are crazy about brands right now. Some are even laughing at those who don't wear branded clothes. My mother said it was like in communism (which brought me on the idea of Cuba), because there almost everyone wore the same clothes.
Review please :)! It's the first story I'm uploading, so please don't be too hard with me. Just kidding. I'm not in any way critisizing any labels or Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift. PS: Please send me a PM if you find a grammatical/spelling error, so i can correct it. English's not my native language. Thanks for reading :)