silence is star-like

Thank you for all of your support throughout this fic. I hope you've enjoyed it and that this last chapter lives up to expectations. For those of you that are my regular readers, I'll be on holiday from 20th July - 3rd August. I will not be posting any new stories until I get back- on the bright side, I'll be returning with the (apparently) long-awaited sequel for 'Heart So Helpless'. Feel free to tweet me anytime, my (new) username is _closingdoors.

Your heart has grown wings and taken to flight.

Here. Now. This is everything.

The way the breath catches in his throat, the way his eyes glaze over, the way the twitter of the birds and the rustling of the wind whooshes in your ears until everything is silent.

This.

When he steps forwards, pauses, steps closer once again.

When his hands cup your cheeks slowly, thumbs pressing against the corners of your lips, throat bobbing with nerves.

When your breath stops and he leans down and he smudges his lips against yours like ink-

Oh.

This.

You are jumbled thoughts as stars and constellations implode inside of you, whispered thoughts from your heart and between your lungs, rising and rising to your lips.

You reach up, curl a hand at his shoulder, press your lips firmly against his, deepening the kiss.

Here are all the things you want to say.

Compressed into everything.

You close your eyes and live.

She kisses you back.

She asks you to kiss her and then she kisses you back.

Her hand grips your shoulder. Fierce. Like she knows nothing more.

Her lips are soft and sweet and then her tongue-

Your hand falls from her cheek, grips her waist tightly.

And then this.

When your lips part slowly, unwillingly, you stand close, breathing him in, eyes closed, forehead pressed against his.

"Kate…"

Your hand lifts from his shoulder, cups his cheek as you calm your breathing. So much. So many words to say. Tumbling around and around in your heart. Can he hear? Can he always hear?

Her breath stutters, and before you have time to register anything, she's throwing her arms around your shoulders and hiding her face in the crook of your neck, shaking gently.

"Kate?"

He's a patient man. He doesn't ever push. He doesn't ever ask for more than you give him.

But. If he asked.

You would give him everything.

"I'm sorry." She says, muffled by the skin of your neck. "I'm sorry."

You cup the back of her skull, fingers gently skimming through her hair. Give her time. Anchor your other hand around your waist until she is moulded to you. Grip her tightly. Press your own face to her shoulder. Never let her go.

These are the steps for loving Kate Beckett.

Patiently.

Why are you crying? You're ridiculous. Here he is. Here is your strength. Why are you crumbling?

The fortresses around your heart are putting up a fight.

How foolish of you to think for one moment that perhaps they were made of sand.

She breathes, and so you pull away.

She stands before you, red-eyes, shaking like a leaf, timid smile on her lips. You don't push. You don't breathe a word. You keep one hand cupping her skull. You wait. You could spend an eternity watching the delicate architecture of her face, every slope, curve, sharp line of her, juxtapositions and contradictions tied together like smooth satin ribbon.

"I go back to work in a week." She says quietly, sadly.

"I know."

"You'll be there?"

"Always."

No. No, he can't just say things like that and expect you to be okay.

You reach down, tangle your fingers with his once again, skin so smooth. He does have such very soft hands. Lips. Skin.

"I'm scared, Castle." You confess, eyes on your hands.

"What are you scared of?" You ask gently, squeezing her hands.

Her eyebrows pinch together, lips pursing, like she's trying not to cry. You wait. You'll always wait for her.

Nobody else ever has.

There are so many things to be afraid of. There are some many challenges in this world. You're afraid that if you give him your heart, he might break it, or worse- You might break his all over again. But perhaps it's too late for these anxieties. You know that there's no going back. You've given him your heart already. You hadn't even realised it, until one day you woke up and he was the first thought on your mind, and there was never any going back.

You're afraid that you might not be enough for him. You're afraid that all he's in love with is the chase, the dance. You're afraid that you'll go back to work and get sucked into your mom's case and won't come back out. You're afraid that he'll leave. You're always afraid that he'll leave. You're afraid that one day he'll be facing the wrath of a bullet, only he won't get through it like you did.

You did not deserve to survive that bullet.

But maybe this, here, with Castle, is why you deserve to live.

Kate looks up from your twined hands to stare into your eyes. They're wracked with anguish, and you have to resist to kiss her again, just so that she'd close her eyes and wouldn't look at you that way again.

"Will you… Will you ever leave, Castle?"

Her voice is so tiny. Like a little girl's.

Your tug on her hand to pull her closer, one arm settling on her hip. Look her in the eyes so that she can tell that you're telling the truth.

"No. Never."

"What if you can't help it? What if my job gets you into danger and you don't come home to me?"

She is your home.

How could you ever let anything come between you?

He leans down, presses the most chaste of kisses against the corner of your mouth. You breathe it in. Slowly. Cherish this. Cherish these moments. Life is short and someone out there wants you dead. Time is limited.

You close your eyes at the force of the thought. You try to ignore the images of Castle stretched out on the grass, bleeding onto your hands, your mouth not co-operating with you as you try to make the last words count, the way he did, the way he does so effortlessly, but you are not enough and then he's gone and he's not coming back, and all you have left of him is his blood and a study full of all the books he'd never written, all the stories he'd never told.

All of these things could happen. Yet he wants you anyway. You don't know if that's the most beautiful thing you've ever heard, or just reckless.

"Castle." You whisper, clutching his shoulder to keep him close. "Castle, what if you can't?"

What if you can't?

"Nothing lasts forever, Kate."

Words. They make such foolish anchors.

She presses her forehead against your sternum. Fingers spread wide against your heart. Her body curls like a comma, clause half-told.

"But… If it did, nothing would stop me from being by your side. You hear me?"

You reach down to tip her chin up so that she's forced to look you straight in the eyes. She stares and stares, as though she's waiting for intensity of your words to change, as though she's waiting for you to break your promises and walk away just like everyone else in her life. But that isn't true. And so she doesn't find it.

And so she smiles.

"Come with me, Castle."

He follows you without question.

You feel it bloom inside of you, the realisation, stretching its petals, unfurling. Free.

You glance over your shoulder momentarily and there he is. There he always is.

Oh. Wow.

Kate leads you to the most beautiful place you've ever seen.

It takes quite a while, trekking through places of the forest that don't have pathways, stumbling over tree roots and snapping twigs that make you jump. But it's worth it. Oh, how it's worth it.

She leads you to a clearing between some trees and here you are.

It's stunning. An open space, surrounded by a circular expanse of trees, almost crafted by the hands of mother nature herself. The grass brushes lazily against your ankles in the breeze, poppies and daises and lavenders, tulips and dandelions and bluebells. The faint humming of crickets; the twitter of birds; a butterfly fluttering its wings in the distance. It's not real. It's a dream. And then there- In the middle. A lake. A lone lake with floating lily pads and one lone swan floating gently through the water. All blanketed by a clear blue sky, the shining star that is the sun.

There aren't even any words. They've escaped you.

"I found this place when I was twelve." Kate tells you, and you begin to focus your attention on her, the way the light has found its way back to her eyes, the way those eyes of hers are even richer than the colours of this meadow. "I always came here when things were too much, when I needed to relax. Of course, then it was stupid things. An argument with my mother, school work… Boys."

She looks at you from the corner of her eye, smiling wryly. Your heart stutters.

"It just soothes all your worries. And as much as I love the cabin, it's homeliness, the lake there… I- I love this. There's nobody else around. Everything's just… Real."

"And people aren't?"

Kate raises her eyebrows. "People are just alternate versions of themselves in different circumstances. They play different roles: the mother or the lover or the girl next door. You didn't know the real me for a long time, Castle. Think about that."

"But I know the real you now?"

She tilts her head, curls tumbling around her shoulders. Eyes green.

"Yeah, Castle. You know the real me now."

He is in absolute awe of you.

It makes your heart clench, all blood pumping around your body stopping for this one minute second that he watches you, everything stopping.

He looks away, dropping your hand and walking to the edge of the lake, watching the water twinkle.

You watch him, the way the nature surrounds him, the way the sun beats down on his eyes and they're the lightest shade of blue you've ever known.

"Do I know the real you, Castle?" You call out.

He looks over his shoulder, smiling. Maelstrom of anguish gone.

"Like you even needed to ask."

Kate comes close to you, a hand raising to cup your elbow. You turn to her, finding her smiling, and then she holds out a dandelion for you, positioning it so that it's illuminated by the sun. Waits.

"Make a wish, Castle."

You close your eyes. I wish her walls would keep coming down.

The dandelion seeds flutter in the breeze and you think about all the new life you've created.

You open your eyes, find Kate smiling at you widely.

You don't need wishes.

You just need her.

"I love you." You tell her, because how could you hold it in?

It needs to be free. It needs to ride the wind like the dandelion seeds. It needs to spread until everyone knows. It needs to be caught in her hands and kept forever. If it were to ever be caged, it could only ever be within the sanctity of her own body, her own heart.

Kate's eyes crinkle at the corner when she smiles.

"I know."

Your heart thunders in your chest.

"What do you want, Kate?"

You'd give her anything.

"I want..."

Her answer sets you alight.

She doesn't give you false promises. She doesn't tell you how she wants to drop her Mom's case, to live peacefully. You both know you're worth more than that. But for now. This is enough. This is more than enough.

"I just want you, Castle."

You don't know how things are going to be when you go back to work. You don't know whether everything will be too much to handle. You don't know if the emotional scars will ever fade away. You don't know if you'll still be enough.

But here is what you do know: Castle has a freckle above his heart shaped like the patterns he traces into your coffee, and his lips are wet against your scar instead of his tears, and in this early autumn morning he smells like grass and ink and always all in one.

He is above you, filling the spaces in everything that is. He encompasses the sunlight through the trees, overpowers the sight of the blue butterflies nearby, the beauty of nature becoming him.

When he leans down and brushes his lips against yours, your heart stutters for a moment, eyes wide open and watching him. It is the singular most spectacular thing you've ever felt. His body aligning with yours. His lips so warm and loving. His fingers like ink and he is writing his words on your skin, your story.

In his blue eyes you can see the sky you did in another field, in another time.

He leans down and brushes his lips against yours once more and instantly that memory is forgotten. You keep your eyes wide open. He's staring back. You are beautiful. This is beautiful. We are beautiful.

So this is where your story begins: Lying in the grass with him, whispering the words I Just Want You over and over again, until time forgets to exist, and your words turn into stardust.

Here is where it begins. Not with a bang, but with a whisper:

"I'm in love with you."

The End.