When Remus and Sirius returned, James was in their dorm room, sitting on his bed, playing with a quill in his hand.

He raised his head but did not say anything and Remus felt the tension almost palpable in the air between the three of them.

They spent the next few hours in silence. Moving around, each obviously avoiding making any noise, each pretending to be busy with books or magazines or homework.

Remus couldn't help running the incident with Sirius through his mind over and over again trying to dissect every bit of it, trying to place things in order, explain his own actions to himself.

It was not easy.

Each soundless movement from Sirius drew his attention as if there was some force dragging his eyes that way and instead of rational thinking his mind was filled with subtle (or not really) glances he stole of the guy and trying to guess what Sirius was thinking instead.

The moment Remus would focus on trying to build a clear explanation for his own feelings, for the attraction he felt towards Sirius at that moment, his thoughts would escape him altogether and instead be replaced by 'Is he looking? No. Yes. Wait don't look. I think I saw him looking. Could've been looking through the window though.'

What certainly didn't help the situation was that Sirius wore his best poker face. The blank expression was usually reserved for those times when his family would come up or when he was dealing with Filch after they had been caught in the middle of one of their pranks. And Remus had never been able to read it, he just guessed what was going on based on the situation and was usually right, but he never did manage to understand the firm line in which Sirius' lips would be set.

But whatever it was it meant that Sirius was the exact opposite of calm.

Remus tried guessing this time too.

But he was out of his depth here. Sirius could've been angry with him. Or disgusted. Or annoyed. Or hurt.

Remus didn't know why it hadn't occurred to him at the time, but Sirius had been very clear about liking James. And that meant that Remus' advances (oh, Merlin, he couldn't believe he even made advances at his best mate) were certainly not appreciated. And obviously, though Sirius had admitted to being at least half-bent, it didn't mean that he would want someone like him, Remus Lupin, going in for a snog. Really, Remus himself had used that idea to insult Sirius when he was provoking him.

So what in the world had come over him? Why didn't he think about it at the time?

Remus wanted to bang his head against the wall with pure embarrassment.

Thank fuck for Ravenclaws. But on the other hand, couldn't they have come earlier? And why didn't Remus just play it off? He hadn't even tried to make excuses.

Most likely they wouldn't have worked anyway, but still.

And honestly, why did Remus try anything like that in the first place. Never before had he even had a thought about being attracted to another bloke and there he was trying to plant one on his friend.

Remus liked Lily, right? So-

"Okay, so I get why you're not talking to me. But would someone explain to me, why you're not talking to each other and why Sirius is sporting his 'bitch face' while Remus looks like he's about to explode with confusion?" James said loudly sitting up and glancing between the two of them with an annoyed expression on his face. It didn't surprise Remus that he was the first one to snap under the weight of the awkward silence.

"It's nothing." Sirius and Remus answered simultaneously, looked at each other and then snapped their gazes away in a millisecond.

"Riiiight. Nothing." James hummed sarcastically. "And nothing happened between earlier and now. Like nothing at all. You two are acting completely normal. No tension or anything."

"Mind your own business." Sirius bit out angrily and stuck his nose back into the magazine he had been reading earlier.

Remus flinched at the anger in Sirius' voice wondering if at least a part of it was directed at him.

James eyed Remus with a solemn expression.

"Moony, this time, is it actually your fault? Is that even possible?" He then asked.

Remus was about to open his mouth to respond.

"Nothing's his fault. Mind your own fucking business, Potter." Sirius interjected, not looking up from the journal but still managing to sound menacing enough.

That was the moment that Peter came into the room looking rather exhausted and rattled.

Remus only then realized that he hadn't seen Wormtail all day.

"Where've you been?" Remus said together with James.

"Nowhere." Peter grunted back tonelessly and walked to his bed shutting the curtains around it with aggressiveness uncharacteristic for his usual demeanor.

The room was silent for a while until James chuckled.

"And thus we live, folks. Spending our days nowhere, doing nothing. Peachy."

By three in the morning Remus gave up trying to pretend that the reason he was not sleeping was something like the temperature of the room (it was actually finally right, as the weather had returned to the usual Scottish gloom and rain) or an uncomfortable bed (surely Remus would have noticed before during his first six years sleeping in it).

He admitted to himself that he was listening too intently trying to hear whether Sirius was asleep or not to close his eyes and relax.

He had given up trying to work out an explanation for his attraction about an hour earlier, because it seemed that whatever it was it had no explanation to speak of.

Yes, Remus liked Lily. And yes, Remus also liked the thought of kissing Sirius. And that was the way things were. For the first time in his life, Remus decided to take his feelings at face value instead of overcomplicating everything.

And anyway it did not make any difference. Remus was not going after Lily nor Sirius, and there was no future with either of them to speak of, so who cared if he wanted two people at the same time.

His primary concern right now, was sorting things out with Sirius and not letting something like that happen again. Deep down he knew that he needed Sirius by his side and he was not about to ruin it all by allowing things to become awkward between them.

He would apologize, brush it off and pray to heavens that Sirius' forgot it ever happened and acted normal with him.

With a deep sigh, Remus decided that he would sort this out first thing in the morning and if need be, kneel in front of Sirius begging for forgiveness.

That thought was interrupted by shuffling and someone's steps.

A moment later Sirius' head peaked through Remus' curtains.

Sirius looked tired, confused and ruffled just so that the words 'cute' and 'adorable' and maybe even 'sexy' popped up in Remus' mind before he could stop them.

Remus' breath caught as the realization that brushing it off and never letting it happen again would be harder than he first thought sunk in.

"Let's stop pretending to sleep, because I can't and apparently you can't either." Sirius whispered just a tad sheepishly.

Remus sat up and opened his mouth trying to think of a response but nothing came to mind.

"Come on, make some room." Sirius said and though it was in itself a command it sounded more like a shy request.

They used to share beds occasionally when they were younger. At fourteen they stopped because of some remark James made over it and because it began to feel less cozy and more awkward.

Right now, Remus though that under the light of what happened sharing a bed might not be the brightest idea, but he couldn't say no to Sirius, when he was the one in the wrong.

So he scuffled to the side and made some space silently bracing himself for another incoming wave of the pull to Sirius.

His eyes by now adjusted to the darkness way too well lingered on the outline of Sirius' lean muscles as Sirius climbed into his bed.

Sirius smelled nice too, a bit like cologne and just so-

Remus groaned internally because he was about to apologize and trying to jump Sirius would've made the point of it all more or less moot.

They sat in silence for a while and Remus had to actively try to keep his breath steady.

He wondered whether having Sirius beside him in his bed yesterday the same time would have felt normal. Maybe the huge realization had to come first before all the awkwardness which always followed Remus' romantic feelings.

"So." Sirius muttered under his breath staring at his knees.

"So." Remus repeated dumbly, trying to stop staring at Sirius staring at his knees.

"About earlier." Sirius squeezed out quietly.

And Remus sucked in a sharp breath, because his heart dropped anxiously in his chest.

Confrontations were not his forte.

He looked for a way to stall a bit longer.

"Wait a bit." He muttered, reaching out to his bedside table and grabbing his wand.

He put a silencing charm around them, because in the end he did not need James or Peter knowing about any of this. Sirius was more likely to forget if there weren't two idiots constantly mocking Remus for it.

"Good idea." Sirius commented.

"I have them sometimes." Remus tried to joke but it fell flat as his voice shook.

There was some more silence for a while.

Remus worked up all his courage and forced the words out.

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I shouldn't have…I don't know…" Remus tried and realized only then that this was the part where he had to lie and tell Sirius that he didn't mean it and that it was an accident.

Only he really didn't want to for some reason.

"Were you… I mean why…" Sirius responded looking the opposite direction.

"Sirius. I'm sorry. Could you try to forget it? I didn't mean to make you… I don't know. I suppose I just…"

Remus grinned sadly at his pathetic excuse of an apology.

He hoped that they weren't doomed yet and wouldn't have to spend the rest of their lives speaking to each other in terribly awkward unfinished sentences.

"I just really want to know why." Sirius mumbled.

And half of Remus wanted to see his face to know what kind of expression was on it while the other half was glad that the darkness and the fact that Sirius was not looking at him granted him an escape from having Sirius see everything that he knew was written all over his own face.

Lie. Remus had to lie.

He tried to force himself to.

He couldn't. He couldn't force the words past the lump in his throat.

"Was it like an experiment or something? You like girls but you thought- oh lookie there, Sirius is into blokes, I wonder what that feels li-" Sirius muttered but his voice gradually grew louder with annoyance.

"What? No!" Remus interrupted him. "Of course not, I wouldn't do that to you."

"Then why?" Sirius insisted stubbornly looking away.

"It was just an accident. I just… didn't think. I don't know what came over me." Remus replied as firmly as he managed.

Half a lie was still a lie. He didn't think, that was true, but he knew exactly what had come over him.

It was actually trying to come over him right now, because their thighs pressed together and he could feel Sirius' warmth and the fact that they were huddled in his bed and that Sirius was just so very close and so very attrac-

Remus forcibly stopped that train of thought.

"And you want to forget it." Sirius' voice was muffled as he seemed to be pressing the back of his hand to his mouth.

It was a statement not a question and there was something bitter about it.

"Yes." Remus tried to respond calmly.

It felt wrong. Because he was certainly not forgetting it. He actually did not want Sirius to forget it either.

He wanted Sirius to want him back.

But since that was impossible, Remus hoped that at least their friendship could stay intact.

"Fine. Let's forget it." Sirius replied emotionlessly and drew away, climbing off the bed.

"Wait." Remus did not even notice his hand shooting out to grab Sirius' wrist.

Sirius looked back and it was too dark to tell for sure but Remus swore he saw something akin to disappointment and sadness reflected in Sirius' eyes.

"Look, I know you're freaked out by it or something, but I promise I won't let it happen again. I'm so sorry." Remus tried to smooth over the situation desperately, clutching Sirius' wrist as if it was his lifeline.

Sirius looked down silently and then chuckled.

It was such a harsh and wretched sound that Remus flinched and released his hold.

"Yeah, let's make sure it doesn't happen again." And with that Sirius turned away. "Goodnight."

Remus listened to Sirius return to his own bed.

Something heavy weighed down Remus' chest.

He didn't like the way Sirius had reacted to it. Sure, he agreed to forget, but Remus felt so… disappointed.

And also strangely guilty.

He did not like how Sirius' sounded. And everything was definitely not okay between them.

Remus felt his gut churn with fear of losing Sirius over this.

But he couldn't see any way to stop it.

He had said everything that he thought would help. He had promised not to do it again. He controlled himself fairly well.

But it was clear that whatever Sirius had wanted for him to say, he didn't say. Or maybe Sirius did not buy that it was an accident. Maybe Sirius could feel that Remus was… Remus buried his head in his hands trying not to shake with unease.

Remus had never been one to crave human contact, but right then all he wanted to do was to crawl into Sirius' bed and attach himself to the guy head to toe, pressing close and knowing that maybe everything was actually alright.

But in reality it was not.

And Remus stayed in his bed. Cold, confused and dreading facing Sirius in the morning.

Sirius was trying to tame the hurt.

The hurt which made him almost physically sick.

He knew the moment Remus recoiled from him as if burnt when those stupid Ravenclaws came along that it would end up like this. That Remus didn't really want to… that he hadn't really intended to kiss Sirius in the first place.

That it was all just a spur of a moment type of thing. Maybe Sirius had looked as desperate as he felt on the inside at that moment, and Moony, being the type of person to always want to comfort others, simply got carried along.

Sirius remembered distinctly leaning closer and wondered whether Remus had noticed. And if he had then why he didn't say anything.

Maybe Remus knew how Sirius felt and by asking to forget it all, he was at the same time letting Sirius know that there was nothing like that in between them. That it was one-sided.

Sirius clutched his pillow and buried his face in it, trying to ignore the sickening feeling that spread all over his chest at the thought.

And his eyes stung. But he didn't allow himself to let tears well up, frantically trying to push the feeling away, fight it with all he had.

It wouldn't have been as bad as it was if he hadn't actually allowed that stupid glimmer of hope slip through the cracks in the first place.

Before going to Remus he told himself over and over not expect anything and prepared himself for the inevitable outcome, but some small stupid part of him hoped for the impossible despite his best efforts to silence it. And thus there he was, curled in his bed hurting all over, trying not to sob.

Because he was stupid for thinking that the warm golden eyed guy would ever want a stupid self-centered prick like him.

'Let's forget it. Won't happen again. Let's forget it. Won't happen again. Let's forget it.'

Over and over ringing in his ears, jeering, mocking, jabbing at him.

And maybe if it was someone else he could muster the anger. Maybe…had it been James he could've felt indignant. Like it was unfair. Like he was in the wrong for rejecting Sirius.

But it was Remus.

And Remus always saw right through every little part of him. Knew him inside out.

Whereas James knew everything that Sirius told him, Remus knew everything and more, because he seemed to see parts of Sirius that sometimes even Sirius himself did not know existed.

And Remus, seeing all of him as he was certainly knew that he was better than Sirius in every way possible. He had to know.

Sometimes Sirius didn't like the penetrating gaze simply because it made him feel embarrassed for every way he was imperfect.

So of course Sirius couldn't be angry with Remus. Couldn't because he was acutely aware that it was ridiculous of him to expect that someone so patient, caring, smart and just warm, would want him.

What was there to be angry about? It was Sirius' fault for dreaming anyway.

So there he was, unable to deal with the situation as he usually would have, thus having to feel the hurt, with no way out.

And it hurt worse that in had when James got together with Lily.

Much worse.

And that was just great, Sirius thought to himself. He had gone and done just what Remus had suggested, started developing feelings for someone else. 'Developing' was putting it mildly.

Out of the frying pan and into the bloody fire.

Sirius did not sleep that night.

And in the morning he left the dorm before anyone else was awake.