Authors Note: So, first of all, I want to apologize for the two month wait for a chapter. I'm a shitty author when it comes to keeping up with time. Until the Walking Dead started back, I wasn't even really interested in writing for a while. I had horrible writers block, and then school destroyed any hope of me getting back into this. So, that's where I stand. Now that finals are creeping up, but I am off for a week, I was able to get a chapter typed up, and I'm pretty proud of it.

So, please review, and I am not going to promise a specific time frame for a new chapter, but it won't be long. I am going to try my hardest to get another chapter out before the end of the week. :) Thanks for sticking with me, if you're still with me. And thanks for any reviews that you might give.

This chapter is probably going to make some people happy, and other people irritated with me, but I'm going in a new direction with Daryl's character, in relation to what we know now, and in relation to what has happened to him and Shan. So, keep in mind my long term goals, and I love you. Don't ever forget that.

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Chapter 12: "I Ain't A Judas"

"Easy…", Merle whispered into the darkness as I opened my eyes and attempted to sit up. The pain in my ribs immediately knocked me back down, and I wheezed, crying as I attempted to catch a normal breath. There was also a pretty gnarly pain in my left cheek as I reached a heavy arm up to touch it. Groaning through a loud wheeze, I turned my head to look at Merle, "Mornin' princess…"

"You're alive.", I croaked, blinking.

"I am. You are. Take it easy…", he whispered soothingly to me, as if he was truly worried about me.

"What happened? They said Daryl…"

"Daryl's fine. You might have some broke ribs though. Got ya pretty good…Armor. I'm impressed you actually wore it.", Merle explained, before running a hand over my forehead to push my sweaty hair away. It was awfully hot in this room, and damp. The smell of death was faint, outside of the gasoline smell that was all over my clothing, and apparently his.

"…'s that smell?", I murmured, my mouth almost feeling heavy as I attempted to speak.

"How do I explain it? Yer clothes, and that truck…and everything around it was doused in gas. Governor had it rigged for ya. You and the guy you butchered up. After you got out of the truck, it went up in smoke pretty fast. You weren't s'posed to get out, and since you did…Martinez was there."

"No…", I whispered in disbelief, "He would never do this to me."

"What do ya think he did to Daryl when he caught up to him. He looks…awesome."

"He…he hurt Daryl? Martinez hurt him.", I whispered to myself, causing Merle to sigh and slap my cheek with authority. It stopped the onset of tears, but not the sinking feeling in my gut, "Have you talked to him?"

"Oh yeah. They told him everything…"

My heart stopped beating. My body went rigid. I swear I died a little inside as I stared up at the darkness and a tear finally swept past my hair, and onto the hard bed below me. Merle passed a hand over my mouth, before giving me a brief and heavy shake.

"I have to go.", I choked out.

"And just where you gonna go? You can't even breathe. Can you walk? Do you know? Lay down and shut the hell up.", Merle snapped, holding my shoulders down. Sunlight was just beginning to peek through the windows above us, and the surroundings became more illuminated with every second.

"I have to go, Merle. I don't belong here…with them. He'll never understand…", I whimpered, before taking what seemed like the first deep breath I had ever experienced.

"He will…", someone whispered into the darkness. I didn't even recognize the voice at first, as the light shadowed the unfamiliar figure. I blinked, my foggy eyes finally clearing to reveal the prison bars at the foot of my 'bed'. Standing there was a man, his hair down almost to his ears, and his voice raspy as he spoke to me, "It took a lot of explaining to get you in here, after what you did out there. There's a lot of work that has to be done to repair it…but you're here. You're safe, and he's coming around."

"Merle…who's that?", I whispered, as the man silenced and simply stared at us. Merle said nothing, only letting his head fall a bit as he stood up. He stepped back against the wall, and the man at my feet opened the heavy cell door, the sound of metal on metal crashing in my sore head. I stared up at the ceiling, still not sure where the hell I was, other than prison. Who would have guessed that I, of all people, would end up in prison?

As the man drew closer, he kneeled beside me and his face came into view. I couldn't help the deep inhale, or the jagged sob that escaped as I stared at him, my eyes tracing over every scar and ding on his face. The once clean-shaven face I had almost forgotten was now covered in a thin layer of hair, and the hair of his head was now grown out to match. He looked exhausted. He looked stressed. He looked like a broken version of my Rick, and this was the first time I had really gotten a glance at him, other than the dark image from Woodbury.

"Rick?", I croaked, my hand coming out to touch his jaw. He fought a smile, and shied away from my touch, staring at the ground for a minute as he sniffled.

"I don't know if I understand what's happening here, or who you are. You look like Shan, my - our Shan, and you may or may not have saved Maggie and Glenn back there, but I have a few questions. How did that happen?", he asked, grabbing my arm gently. He stared down at the old wound as if it was my death sentence. I shook my head.

"It happened at the farm. Shane…", I whispered, only then realizing that he had no clue what had actually happened at the farm. I stared between his teary eyes, "He tried to kill me, Rick. If he's here…I gotta go…"

As I stirred, he shushed me quietly, and placed a hand on my chest, gently, "He's dead."

"What? How?"

"I killed him. He came at me…and…I killed him.", Rick whispered, his voice shaky as he explained to me what had happened, "He came back, and Carl put him down."

"Oh my god. Where is Carl?"

"He's still sleeping. He's doing well, if that's what you're worried about. He's managed to adjust to a lot lately. In-including Lori. He had to put her down, as well. I should have been there…", as Rick's voice broke, and he leaned his head down to cover the tears that fell down his cheeks, I turned my head from him and closed my eyes. It was hard to even imagine the pain he was in, at this moment. He had killed his best friend. He had lost his wife. His son had put down both of them. How he was still standing, and keeping on with the group, I couldn't fathom. I moved my body over, with some effort, and pressed my forehead against his temple, keeping my eyes closed as I breathed with him.

"I'm so sorry. I had to leave. I had to…", I sobbed, my hand coming up to stroke the back of his head, "I thought I was going to die, and I didn't want anyone to have to pull that trigger. I knew it would be you…"

"Were you bitten?", he asked suddenly, sniffling loudly as he leaned back from me.

"Yes."

"Then how?", he asked, his hand smoothing back the hair from my forehead, "I can't wrap my head around how you're alive."

"Merle saved me. He saved my life."

"I didn't.", Merle started.

"Yes you did. If you hadn't found me…"

"They would have found you, and this wouldn't be happenin'. Daryl came back for her, didn't he?", Merle asked Rick, the cell now completely light.

"We did come for you. Daryl searched for days. He thought you had turned…and wouldn't leave without putting you down."

My stomach lurched as I blinked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Daryl had returned for me, and I wasn't there. The feelings that he had to have gone through, seeing me gone, thinking I was a walker. It was a nightmare in my brain.

"I need to see him…", I whispered, opening my eyes to watch Rick's expression. He remained unchanged as he stared back, "I need to talk to Daryl."

"We are having a meeting in a few. The only thing I can let you do is to talk to him afterward. Even Glenn is a little shaky on the idea of you even being here. He knows who you are, but it's been a year, Shan. You could be anyone."

"Do you think I'm just anyone?", I asked, causing him to sigh.

"I would trust you with my life. Glenn has been through a lot, though. You were living in the town where he almost lost Maggie, and his own life. They were about to be executed when we found them. You can't expect him just to turn around and be happy that two of their people are suddenly two of ours.", Rick explained, standing slowly from the ground, "I will talk to them. I will figure this out. I'm going to open this cell and you should both get some breakfast."

He turned simply, and exited the cell, leaving the door open as he left.

"Wow. Seems like you and Sheriff Rick got real close while you was together…", Merle muttered from across the room, "Just how close?"

"Shut up, Merle."

"It's just a question. He seemed happier to see you than anyone. Hell, he might just share a cell with you tonight…", Merle continued.

"SHUT THE HELL UP! Rick and I are close. You seem to forget I lost my father in all this bullshit. You and Daryl lost nothing…NOTHING! You don't understand what it's like to wake up one morning and be alone, to think that everyone you care about is dead, and to watch your family be gunned down in cold blood, just because. Rick is the only thing that has kept me alive, aside from Daryl. He's been my father, and everything I could want in a friend. I have nothing to prove to you, but don't make this something it's not…", I snapped, ignoring the pain as I sat straight up in bed. My eyes were on fire, and Merle's expression told me he was a little worried as he stared down at me.

"…just a joke."

"Well don't joke. You always were shit at it.", I scoffed, carefully scooting to the edge of the bed, my stomach rumbling for the first time in what felt like years.

"We're not going through this again. Merle's stayin'. He's one of us now.", Daryl complained as the meeting began to turn a bit heated. Rick stepped forward to place a hand on his chest, "Get used to it, all y'all."

"Glenn…", Rick whispered as Daryl stormed off.

"No. They can't stay here! She can't stay here. You haven't seen her in a year, Rick. She could be anyone.", Glenn complained.

"I know. I told her that. Trust me…She knows where she stands. I wouldn't let her stay, if she didn't. I wouldn't have given her access to food if she didn't.", Rick explained, staring up at Daryl on the catwalk above them.

"And Merle? I don't think Merle living here is really going to fly with the rest of them."

"He has to stay. She won't stay unless he's here. I'm not putting her out, again. Plus, Daryl will leave. Do you really think we can afford that? Look what it did to us last night…", Rick continued.

"I wouldn't ask you to live with Shane after he tried to kill you! It's not fair…"

"Merle has military experience, experience he's handed down to that girl. He may be erratic, but don't underestimate his loyalty to his brother…", Hershel chimed in, his soft voice calming some of the tension between the younger men in front of him. However, Glenn shook his head.

"No. We solve more than one problem at once. We deliver Merle to the governor as a bargaining chip. We give him his traitor and maybe we can work out a truce."

"And what about Shan?", Rick asked.

"What about her?! We're really going to keep Merle here as a way to keep a traitor behind closed doors?"

"Don't call her a traitor…", Rick whispered, shifting on his heels.

"She's a traitor. She tried to kill us all…"

"HER HANDS WERE TIED!", Rick exploded, causing the entire prison block to go silent, "If you were placed in the same situation, you would have done the same damn thing to get back to us. You would have done ANYTHING to get back to Maggie. Do you not see that is exactly what she has done here?! She's not a traitor. She's smart, and she managed to escape. We're not putting her out."

"I would have died, before joining in with a group that wanted to kill my family…", Glenn whispered, before shaking his head and walking away from Rick.

I shoved the first spoonful of oatmeal into my mouth, scrunching my nose at the stale taste, but it was food. I stared up from my place at the table, my eyes training on the bloody wall across from me. This place was hell, compared to Woodbury, but why did I feel so much safer? Could it be the fact that the leader of this operation didn't want to slit my throat? Probably.

The door opened behind me, causing me to jump a bit, and stare down at my bowl. The footsteps were nervous, but heavy as they approached, and finally stopped directly behind me.

"I left some for the rest…", I muttered, not sure who Rick had taken in since I left. My mind was set at ease, but my stomach completely turned as the footsteps began again, and a body came into view across from me, "…Hi."

Daryl didn't look at me, his face trained on the filthy table as he attempted to control his breathing. I frowned, pushing my food away from me.

"Is there anything I can say to…"

"Shut up. You're done talking, right now.", he growled, the articulation in his voice cancelling my words before they could leave my throat, "Did you know we were here? Answer, now."

"No."

"Have you killed anyone, since you've been with those assholes?", Daryl asked, glancing around.

"Yes."

"How many?"

"I don't know…", I answered, my hands beginning to shake.

"Answer me, or I will take you to the gates myself."

His tone was stern, and not the Daryl I knew. Either he was angry, or he was hurt…or both. Why Rick sent him to grill me, I couldn't place it, but he was doing a good job at causing me anguish.

"Twelve."

"With your own hands?", he asked in a sigh.

"Yes. Would you like me to name the weapons, too? What does this solve?"

"Shut up.", he growled again, "Why did you kill them?"

"I don't know. I followed orders. Most of them were runners. At least one of them attempted to kill me.", I explained, tears stinging the corners of my eyes.

"Orders from the Governor, right?"

I shrugged, but then nodded, deciding to be completely honest with him, at this point.

"And that Mexican? What about him?"

"I don't want to talk about Martinez.", I admitted, a tear trickling down my right cheek.

"Well yer gonna. It's not too late for me to kick you out of here."

"Will you stop threatening me?! I know Rick wouldn't let you kick me out…", I snapped. Daryl's hand flew forward, latching onto my face. He held my jaw roughly, shaking my head as he spoke to me, his middle finger digging into the deep bruise of my cheek.

"I can do what I think I should with you. I don't know who the hell you are anymore, or why you do the things you do. Yer here cause I wanted to give you a chance, answer the goddamn questions, or leave. Simple.", he snarled at me, before shoving me away. I cast my eyes down to the table immediately, fighting back a sob as he calmed, and his shoulders relaxed in guilt. However, there was no apology, "Answer me…"

"I used him.", I answered simply, "I didn't have you. I didn't have anyone, and I used him for comfort. He's not a good man. I told myself he was, for a while, because I only saw the side of him when he was in Woodbury. I only saw the raw, demonic side of Martinez when we were 'hunting', and I couldn't judge. I was the same way…"

Daryl's eyes closed, and a sigh left his nose as he processed my words. I was nervous, if I could get any more nervous. My hands stayed on either side of my bowl, resting on the table, waiting for him to snap. Instead, he opened his eyes and sighed once more.

"Did you look for us?", he asked, and my heart sank.

"For a while. It was all I could think about, until the moment we drove that truck out of Woodbury. I never gave up hope that you were alive, and when I saw you the other night…and I had confirmation that you were alive, it was ALL I wanted. You can ask Merle. I've done plenty of shit I'm not proud of. Martinez was one of them, murder was one of them, not leaving with you guys, and not stopping Martinez from hurting you was definitely one of them…", I explained, my tears finally taking over, "But I'm here now. I'm here, and the second I get a chance, I am going to murder Martinez. I'm going to kill him for ever looking at you the way he did, because he's nothing. He's…absolutely nothing but a fucking asshole. He's a pawn, and he tried to kill me. My loyalty is here, with Rick...with you."

We sat in silence for a while. By a while, I'm pretty sure I mean over an hour, as people avoided the dining area. Daryl didn't speak. He simply stared down at my hands, his eyes running over my arms every now and then, over my scar.

We were pulled out of the silence by the pitter-patter of tiny feet against the floor. The footsteps grew closer to me, and I tensed, although Daryl seemed to relax, letting his anguish be erased from his face.

"I thought you were with Carl.", he murmured sweetly, as a tiny redheaded girl ran into his side, wrapping her arms around him.

"You've been gone forever. I didn't want you to leave again."

"I ain't goin' nowhere. I just had to talk to somebody. Go on, now. See if Carol will let you make the bottles for Judith…", he whispered to her, tickling her sides. She giggled, shoving away from him with a nod. Her eyes met mine, and I shuddered, watching her run away, "I saved her…"

Daryl's words shook me, and I met his eyes, for the first time since he attacked me. I didn't answer, only turned to her fleeting frame and then back to him.

"She was hunkered down in my old house. I saved her. She look familiar to you?", he asked me, and I shook my head slightly, narrowing my eyes, "She should. You killed her family. They were good people. Her dad was a farmer…just like yours. You killed them in cold blood because they ran away from your so called 'sanctuary'. That's why I should kick you out. You and Merle both. Yer both so full of shit that you can't even see yourself. Think about it. Pull yer weight and stay out of my way…".

As he finished, I finally caught my breath, reaching out to him as he stood from the stool, and stomped away from me. It was no use. Everything Woodbury had taught me had brought me here. Everything I was so ashamed of was killing me. I was in prison, in more than one way, and the only way out, was redemption.