You know that feeling? When your world feels like its caving in on you? When everything you ever opened yourself up to has just crashed into a smouldering pile of rubble. That's what I'm feeling right now. I know people think I'm all brain and no heart. I've heard them talking, whispering. But I do have a heart. I do. I had kept it hidden for the longest time. Then he came. He rattled the bars that surrounded it. He picked the lock. He found it and released it. But instead of letting it fall, he caught it. Grabbed it with both hands, cradled it within strong fingers. He massaged it until it began beating again. For it had been dead I suppose you would say. Locked away for so long. Held hostage from the world. And just when I thought that it being free was the greatest thing in the world, the same man that freed my heart, just slammed it into a large box again and closed the lid.

I know all of this sounds overly dramatic and not like me at all. But I haven't been like me for a long time. I had left that woman behind. Opened myself up to him. Loved him. With everything I had. I had never loved anyone like that before. Probably I never will again. Not now. Not now I know how much it hurts when things suddenly fall apart.

The pain I'm feeling right now I can't let him see. It's not who I am. Plus, he's right. I did say, on many occasions that we shouldn't get married. I've never felt the need for it. Marriage is an antiquated tradition. And records would show that the number of failed marriages has risen over the last decade. Why I changed my mind, I'm not even sure.

Actually I do know. I wanted to see his face when I asked. I wanted to see that smile. The crinkles next to his eyes. The dimples in his cheeks. I wanted to hear him laugh and cry and say yes. And he did. And it was wonderful.

And then, a week ago, it all changed.

I didn't even wait for him to explain why it changed. I had to get out of that room, away from him. I needed to make sure that he didn't see how hurt I was. I'm not going to ever admit how much that hurt me. Not to him especially.

I know I said we were OK. It's what he needs to hear. It's what he needs to believe. But right now? I'm not OK. I'm not sure we're OK.

Booth and Brennan sat at the breakfast counter. She was feeding Christine oatmeal. He sat staring at the morning paper crossword puzzle. His pen poised above the paper. He couldn't focus on the clue. He could hear her breathing. Long slow breaths. He waited. Waited for her to lean across him and pluck the pen from his hand and start filling in the puzzle for him. It was their morning thing.

He waited. Not daring to glance across at her. She wiped Christine's face and without turning to look at him pulled her out of the high chair and stepped behind him. "I'm going into work early this morning. I'll take Christine with me. I want to talk to the PreSchool Principal about her coming in earlier for the next week. "

Booth spun around "Why? What do you mean? " he asked. She stared down at his shoes, unable to meet his eyes. "I just need to get on top of some work and it makes sense to go in early. Taking Christine with me saves you the bother." Booth stood up and bent down, staring up into her face, trying to force her to make eye contact. "That's not what I mean and you know it. Don't do this Bones. I know you. You're pulling away from me. Bones. You said we were OK. You promised me we were OK. It's been a week. You've barely looked at me let alone talk to me. If. If you're worried about what I said. It's only right now. OK? I just don't think we need to worry about marriage right now. You've always said you never saw the point. Right? I just thought. You asked right in the middle of all that mess with Pelant. I just worry that you were reacting to all of that stuff. And I just didn't want you to suddenly realise you'd made a mistake. That's all. And you said we were OK. But this? This doesn't feel like OK Bones. It really doesn't."

Brennan felt her eyes stinging. She turned away and started fiddling with Christine's nappy bag. Trying to zip it up with one hand.

His hands reached around her and pulled the bag out from under her hand.

"Bones. Stop. OK? Stop" he stood staring at her. His eyes welling with unfallen tears. The nappy bag hanging from his hand. "You can't do this to me. I can't take it. You know I can't."

Brennan's eyes lifted and stared into his. Nothing hurt like his eyes staring at her did. Nothing.

She opened her mouth. Words sticking in her throat. What could she say? What should she say?

"Booth."

Oh my God. What have I done? What have I done to her? I need help. God. Please. I've done the worst thing I've ever done to anyone. Let alone the woman I love. The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've messed it up. Oh God please let us be OK. She said we were. Didn't she?

I'm supposed to be the heart. That's what people say about us. I'm the heart, she's brains. But right now? I have to use my brain. I can't let my heart take over. If I did. God I cannot even think about what might happen. To her. To Christine.

He's too close. I can't take the chance. He warned me. And until I can sort this out in my head, I have to play by his rules. His game. His Rules. That's what he said. Damn him!

I've got to think. I've got to get it all straight in my head. There has to be a way to tell her. I just have to think.

She stared at him as he stepped towards her. Pain in his face hurting her heart. Damn this heart business. It's too hard!

He dropped the nappy bag and grabbed her arms. Christine wriggling between them. Her chubby hands reaching up to his face. "Dada" she squealed. They both looked down at the little girl between them. "she called me Dada!" he grinned through his tears. "She did, however you do realise that a childs first words are sometimes just monosyllabic noises" her voice trailed off . "She called you Dada" she echoed him. Their eyes meeting. Really meeting. For the first time in over a week.

"I'm sorry Bones. You know I'm sorry I hurt you. If there's one thing that I never wanted. Ever. Was to hurt you. And that's exactly what I've done. And I'm finding it hard to justify it, and to forgive myself for it. But Bones. I love you. You know I do. You've always known it. And that mess last week. Let's just put that aside for a moment. Just for now. Please."

Brennan couldn't stop staring at his eyes. She knew he meant every word. She knew he loved her more than ever. There's something going on in his head. She could tell. Finally, she had taken the time to really look at him and see him. See the worry, the hurt, the distress inside him. Something was going on. Something bad. Something he couldn't tell her.

Something he couldn't tell her.

Of course. The realisation hit her. That's what made him change his mind. That's why he's been so miserable and distant. Well actually I've caused some of that too. But there was always something. Something in his face. When he never knew I was watching him. Something in his head that he has to keep from me. It wouldn't be the first time he's had to keep things from me. Bad things, usually. So this must be really bad. And it has to be about Pelant. Nothing else would be that important.

She looked down at their daughter giggling and dribbling as Booth tickled her chin.

She reached up and wrapped her arm around his neck pulling him close.

"I'm sorry. It's OK. It's really OK Booth. We'll be fine. Really. I mean it. Last week. Was last week. We have a life, a family. That's what's important right now. And anything else. Well, we can worry about that later. I shouldn't have shut you out. I just. My feelings. You know I have trouble with those" she smiled at him.

Booth breathed a heavy sigh. He rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed. "Bones. I'll make it up to you. You know that I will. We just have to get past this next few weeks. OK? We'll get past this, we'll book that holiday and we'll just pack up and get out of Washington for a few weeks. That's what we need. Just you and me and Christine. No work. No case. No distractions. I just need. I have to" She pressed her fingers against his lips.

"Don't say anything else. Just know I understand. Booth. I get it. And I'm OK. We are OK. And Christine just called you Dada!" she leaned in and kissed him. Deeply. Truly.

She did understand now. Booth would never have hurt her without just cause. And he'd tell her later. He always did. Right now. She had to be the strong one. The patient one. The understanding one. She had to wait. As hard as it was. She would.

For she knew deep in her heart, she would always wait for him.