A/N - I posted this as a seperate story before but I think it's better here. tw: depression and mentions of suicide.

and the arms of the ocean are carrying me

The pain comes at night. It surrounds Éponine. Ebbing and flowing around her. She lets it consume her. She spends her nights staring out the window, watching the darkness engulf the city. Her mind rushes with thoughts of why and can't and please. Why? I can't do it anymore. Please, stop. They stay with her, brimming around her till sleep finally comes.

Enjolras tries to reach out and help her. He says something to her one night, hoping to reach her, wherever she is. But she's lost, floating away in a sea of nothingness. When she finally falls asleep, he tucks in her bed, holding on to the girl who is lost at sea.

and all this devotion was rushing over me

She creates a shield during the day, made with layers of smiles, sarcasm, and jokes. She perfects it. She's learned to keep the waves small. When they swell, she plasters a smile on her face. Under the surface, the roar and rage, desperately pushing against the dam she's created. They can't see the struggle within, she thinks. No one notices.

But he notices. He can see it in her eyes. The subtle changes in her movements. The way her fingers dig into her arm. He sees it all. He wants to pull the shield away. Let me help you, he thinks. Let me be the anchor that keeps you weighted.

in the crushes of heaven, for a sinner like me

He wants her to talk to him, to somebody. He wants to understand. She closes up, allowing herself to drift away. His voice becomes distant as her thoughts crash around her. Talk to him, a voice thunders, this is your chance. It repeats over and over. But it's the small voice that triumphs. Don't. You're all alone. It whispers. It's deafening.

He watches her sail away. His words become helpless, pleading. He grabs her hands, willing her back to him. He tries to be that lighthouse, tries to guide her back home. But she's too far out. The light doesn't reach her.

but the arms of the ocean deliver me

She's alone again, if only for a bit. The thoughts trickle in. No, she thinks, not now. But they continue to flow, flooding her mind. She tries treading water, but they crash around her. They pull her down, deeper than she's ever been. They devour her. She can't take it. She wants it to stop. Needs it stop.

He's scared. Terrified. She sits in the bathtub, arms curled around her, sobs racking her body. He holds her. He tries to comprehend the scene. A half empty pill bottle. The scalding shower. The vomit. The tears. He grips tighter, refusing to let her go. Refusing to let her wash away. "I'm here," he whispers. "I won't let you go." He won't let her sink.

never let me go, never let me go