I apologize for the language, but hey, I do not really believe that it would be a Hangover fanfic without a few curses (or a lot)! Also, MAJOR SPOILERAGE FOR HANGOVER PART III. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Non-slash by the way. I also have no idea where I was going with this, so sorry about it all.

AU- Key changes; Stu is the one who left his phone in the minivan, not Phil. Phil is married, but does not have children. Phil's wife did not come to the funeral for Alan and Tracey's father. Also, the whole plot line is not in the movie, so—

These are Phil's thoughts. Say hello to Phil's thoughts.

Oh, and ME NO OWN HANGOVER. THE END. This is a really long one-shot. On with the story!

Phil rested his head on his fist and kept a hand at the very top of the steering wheel as they cruised down the interstate, heading towards Vegas. His mind was racing, and his adrenaline surprisingly had not ceased yet. The ever-so presence of the forming headache was beginning. He looked in the rear view mirror to see Alan sleeping peacefully in the back. How could she have left him?

"How does he do that?" Stu questioned from the passenger seat. Phil kept his eyes fixated on the road ahead, barely paying attention to what his friend was saying, mainly concentrating on everything on his mind. "We almost got ourselves killed in that intervention with Marshall, and he is in the back sleeping like a baby." He clicked the button that raised the divider between the front and back seats. "You do you realize that if it was not for him, we would have never gotten into this mess? Or the last one? Or the- uh- LAST ONE?" Stu had started off at a hushed town and as his temper rose, so did his voice. It really was doing a number on Phil's head.

"Hey, could you keep it down?" Phil whispered. His voice did not come off as angry as he wished it had, but more defeated.

"Sorry. You know how I get when I'm agitated." A blanket of silence draped between them for a few seconds. "Hey, you okay?"

Phil swallowed and nodded slightly. He had to put up his guard. "Yeah, just got a headache forming."

"Oh, you want to pull over? I could take the wheel for a few hours. You have been driving this whole time." Stu offered. He was slightly concerned. He had never seen Phil look so- what is the word? Distressed?

"Nah man, there was a road sign a mile back that said there was a motel a little farther ahead. We can drive there and get a room for the evening. It's what, six?" he checked the clock. "Go there, take a nap, leave by 9 or 10 P.M. and finish the drive. I doubt Chow would leave Vegas."

"Sounds like a plan." Stu replied. A thud was heard from behind the wall, and he clicked the window divider back down, both Phil and Stu jumping at what was waiting behind it.

It was Alan, sticking his head as close to the other two men and making as crazy face as possible.

"Jesus Christ!"

"Alan!" They both berated.

"Haha, you didn't expect that did ya?" He replied, with a proud grin gracing his features.

They both rolled their eyes, but as they always did, played along. "No we did not. Hey, we are going to stop at a motel for a few hours and catch some sleep before we take down Chow. Sound cool?" Stu mentioned.

"Awesome. I call a bed."

"Seriously Alan?" Stu replied, intending for it to be more of an are-you-kidding-me statement, but Alan of course did not see it that way.

"Uh, Stu I require a bed. It seems you have forgotten about my bad back problems. I am not a pleasant person and you do not want to talk to me when my back is not in good shape."

"Of course not Alan."

Phil sighed inwardly as they pulled into the motel. He instructed them to stay there while he ran in and got a room. "Like watching a bunch of kids." he muttered to himself has he jogged in. Phil, being the suave person he is, convinced the young, naive woman working the front desk to rent them the room for a few hours at half the cost. He went back out and picked up the limo.

"Get us a room?" Stu questioned.

"Yeah, only for a few hours, and half the cost."

"Nice, how much do I owe ya?"

"Don't worry about it, it's on me." He actually could use the money, considering how his bank account was currently looking, but he didn't really want to talk anymore, so he ended the conversation at that.

They pulled into a space near the back of the building, set it in park, and hopped out. Alan was dozing back off, and Stu woke him up while Phil climbed the stairs to their room and unlocked it. With the limo doors locked behind him, the other two came up to the room.

The room was decently dark due to the fact the setting sun was now on the other side of the build, and the faint glow of the bathroom light underneath the shut door help the other two lead their way. They assumed that was where Phil was, and then a toilet flush was heard. Their suspicion was proven true. It was a quaint room, with only two small twin beds and a triple seat couch. There were two small lamps on the side tables next to the beds.

After assessing the area, Alan was the first to speak. "Oh, thank you Lord Jesus Christ on high." He said somewhat loudly as he flopped onto the bed. He ripped his shoes off, got under the covers, and was lightly snoring by the time Phil had come out.

"How does he-" Stu started.

"I wouldn't man. Just get some sleep."

He gestured toward the bed. "Do you-"

"Nah, I'll take the couch." Phil stated. He was not going to get much sleep anyway, why should he hinder his friend from getting anyway?

"You sure? I mean, it's the least I could do. You have been driving this whole time."

"No." He said almost too harshly, and a look of hurt flashed across his friends face. He sighed, defeated. "Sorry. Heat and headache are getting to me."

"It's fine. I know you're stressed, I am too man." Stu replied and paused for a second. "I think I'm going to shower."

"I wouldn't. There's no hot water at all." Phil stated while grabbing the extra sheet set and pillow from the closet.

"Great. Well, I guess sleep actually is in the question. You sure you don't want the bed?"

"Yes, Stu. I am sure. Get some rest. It's going to be a late night and long day tomorrow."

He sighed and resigned, kicking of his shoes and placing his glasses on the side table. "Night Phil."

He got himself situated on the couch. "Night Stu."

Within five minutes, the sound of light snoring from Alan and Stu combined was being heard, and Phil just laid there, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts would not stop going a thousand miles a minute. He waited another ten minutes and gave up on trying to get some sleep. He crept into the bathroom, making sure to avoid any form of creak. He picked up one of the glasses lying on the counter, and filled it with water. He grabbed the car keys and room key, shoved on his shoes, and stepped out, lightly shutting the door behind him. The water by far was not cold, so he went off on a search for the ice machine. He located it, filled his glass to the brim, and went back onto the open balcony. After looking for the perfect spot to sit, he found one situated in the corner, adjacent to the room. Phil propped himself up on the rusted metal so that one leg was over the railing and the other was on the other side. He leaned back and rested his back against the corner beam. All in all, it was not a bad position to be in. He swirled the ice around in his cup and took a sip. He inwardly wished it was harder, some form of alcohol preferably, but knowing the adventure ahead, it was probably best that it was not.

And he sat like that, checked his phone a couple of times, hoping she would call or text or something, but no. Nothing. He sat there and watched as the moon slowly but surely rose, and he checked his phone one more time. It was 7:30. He had been out there for a solid forty five minutes just thinking. How could she do this? What did I ever do? And now she won't even talk to me. Maybe dad was right- I am just a fuck up who only ruins people's lives. She never wanted me. How could I be so blind as to believe that she actually would? That she actually loved me? That she really wanted to be married to me, forever? I loved you Stephanie, I told you everything, and you dumped me. Just like everybody else.

He kept inwardly fighting with himself. He could feel the prickling of tears behind his eyes, and he swished the almost melted ice cubes around and took one final swig.

How could I have lead myself to believe that happiness and love is real?

"Hey."

Phil practically jumped sky high when he heard the voice and felt the hand clasp on his shoulder.

"Holy shit!" Phil exclaimed, practically falling off the side, which earned a tug on the sleeve from Stu, keeping him steady. He dropped his glass to the pavement below, and they listened to the shatter.

"Whoa, calm down Phil it's just me!" Stu said, and once he seemed steady, releasing him. "Sorry I just didn't know where you were."

Phil raked his fingers through his hair, pushing it back, and pulled down his sunglasses to cover his eyes.. "It's fine." He said with a sigh.

"Why aren't you asleep?"

"Can't." Please go away. Go back to bed Stu. Go back to your happy dreams of a perfect life.

"Worried about Doug?" Yes. Perfect scapegoat.

"Uh, yeah." He looked down at his hands in his lap.

"Hey," Stu placed a hand on his knee. "We'll get him back. We will. We always seem to, not matter what garbage we get into." He said with a small laugh, but did not get a reaction from Phil. He could not see beyond his sunglasses, but his other features looked dead. "But that's not the problem. Come on, Phil. I'm your friend. You can trust me."

Yeah, thought I could trust a lot of people. All they do is screw you over.

"I've never seen you not being a badass before. You're always so happy, or not happy per say, but pleased enough with your life. I guess I never really thought of you as having problems. What is wrong?"

Phil began to swing his other leg back over to make a run for it, but a hand stopped him on his rising knee.

"You're not going to let me leave until I throw you a bone, are you?"

Stu offered a small smile. "Nope."

Phil mustered up all his dignity, and leaned forward, looking Stu straight in the eye. "Fine, I'm worried about Alan."

He leaned in as well. "Bullshit." His friend quickly responded, reaching across, and taking off his aviators.

"Hey!" He went to retrieve his shades, and was averted.

"You can have these back when you actually tell me what is wrong and don't lie to me."

Silence fell over them for a few seconds. He kept his eyes on his glasses. He finally decided to give in. "At least for the first half of this damn nightmare I could focus on getting Doug back and not other crap."

"Other crap being?"

"There's a lot."

"We've got another hour and a half before we have to leave. I'll sit here."

"Why do you even give a shit?" He kept his eyes on the sunglasses.

"Because Phil, whether you like it or not, I am your friend. You had my back on so many occasions, and I think it is time for me to be there for you. Do you even have someone there for you? I mean, I know Stephanie is there, but do you actually talk to her?"

Son of a bitch. "You cannot, under any circumstance, tell anyone. Got it?"

Stu nodded in agreement.

The normally well-kept man shakily sighed, and barely spoke. He moved his crystal blue orbs to focus on the shimmering glass on the pavement below, and licked his bottom lip that had a small slice in it. "I guess we should start with the lovely fact that Stephanie is not in the picture anymore."

"What?" Stu stated, shocked at what he had just heard.

"Yeah. Long story short, she never loved me, I am worthless piece of shit, a fuck up, the worst thing to ever happen to this planet, and so many more beautiful adjectives that I have heard so many times in my life." He swallowed hard, and puckered his lips, forcing back tears. Stop crying, pussy. "She had been cheating on me since two years ago."

"Oh my God, Phil-"

"Oh, and she practically cleaned out my bank account." He gave a short fake laugh to push back the emotion. "Yeah left me a little over two hundred dollars. Oh, and not to mention on top of that I just lost my job." He laughed a little bit harder and forced more of the fake laugh, and plastered an even faker smile. "So- so not only am I a fuck up, but I am a broke ass fuck up." He kept smiling and made a glassy eye contact with Stu. In that moment, he could see all the pain the blue eyes of his friend. He had no clue this had been happening.

Stu was stunned into silence. After a minute that seemed like an eternity, Phil moved to get up and leave, but once again was stopped. "How long?" Stu uttered.

"How long what?" Phil replied in a surprisingly stable voice.

"How long has this been going on?"

"Oh, Stephanie left me, what, two or three months ago, and I lost my job around the same time. So, yeah sorry about being such a pussy about this because it happened so long ago-"

"You are not being a pussy at all Phil. Did you tell anyone?"

"No! Of course I did not Stu! Who the hell would you expect me to talk to about this?"

"I don't know, someone! Us maybe? We're your friends, we would have been there for you man!"

Phil quickly hopped off the rail before Stu could stop him and started pacing. "No see, the last thing I need is someone's pity. And besides, everyone else has their own problems to deal with. For one, people are finally starting to realize Alan's kind of crazy, and you and Doug are finally getting your cheesy and cavity-inducing happily-ever-after. I-" He spat out the whole thing so fast, and stopped to finally breathe and look at Stu. "I didn't want to-" He could not form sentences anymore. Giving in, he leaned against the rail and sighed. "You know Stu?" Phil paused, trying to form what he was going to say.

Stu had hoped down and leaned with his butt against the rail next to Phil. "Know what?"

"I make fun of you. A lot. And I apologize for that, but that's not the point. The main point is that I make fun of your lifestyle. You are a dentist with a loving, beautiful wife, and a great income. All in all, you have a, as I put it "a boring life"." He put air quotes around it. "And in all honesty, a boring life sounds pretty fucking sweet now."

Stu let a silence fall over them for a few moments, and rotated his body so he was now facing the moon as well and leaning on the rail. "Eh, it's not all it's cracked up to be. I do like some crazy and wild times. Lucky for me, my entire life is not just a snooze fest. I've got this friend named Phil, who has got AMAZING hair, who really knows how to shake up my life. And as much as I hate and utterly despise some of the stuff that has occurred, I have to say, he's a pretty cool guy who is just looking out for me and wants me to make the most out of life." He nudged him with his hip and looked at him. "And as cheesy and corny as it is, I have no clue what I would do without that fucker."

For the first time that day, Phil genuinely smiled and stood up. "Thanks, Stu."

Stu held out open arms. "Come on, man. Bring it in. You know you want to."

"Nah, I'm fine."

"Phil. You don't always have to be the badass. Come on. Brotherly love."

"Fine. Quick one."

Stu embraced him and patted his back a couple of times. "And hey, there is always an extra bedroom at my place if you need a place to stay."

"Thanks, man." He checked his phone, and pulled out the car keys with it. "Shit it's almost 8:30. We should probably go wake up Alan."

"Good luck with that!" Stu shouted as he stole the keys and ran.

The only thing Stu could hear was a "mother fucker" shouted at him as he crossed the pavement towards the black limo.