Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush. This never happened. All characters and persons involved in this belong to their respective owners, either themselves or someone that isn't me.

Dedicated to VeryJaneEyre. Without her, this would still be sitting in my docs collecting dust.

Note: This is self-beta'd. There are probably a million mistakes and I apologize for every one...

James woke up with a pounding in his skull. He let out a low miserable groan, and rolled over, pulling the blankets over his head, and burying his face in his pillow. The movement caused his stomach to roil, and he stopped, body held stiff as he inhaled sharply. He swallowed dryly, suddenly thirsty, and tried not to move too much.

If he stayed perfectly still maybe he'd be okay.

As he shifted subtly, trying to get comfortable again, he noticed a twinge in his lower back and across his shoulders. Even his neck felt a little stiff, like he'd had it at an awkward angle. He frowned, and shuffled around a bit more under the blankets, taking in all the small aches and pains.

What the hell did he do last night?

As soon as the question crossed his mind, he suddenly remembered. He remembered drinking and Logan dragging him to the car. He remembered climbing into the backseat and tugging Logan closer and closer. And he remembered more harshly the blank look on Logan's face when James had drunkenly confessed, in his own way, his feelings for the other boy.

He let out another groan, this one having nothing to do with the pounding in his skull, and wished he could crawl into a hole somewhere and die. He pulled his pillow over over his head and figured that was a good enough alternative for the moment.

He was just waiting for death to take him when he heard the door open. He peeked out of his blanket to see who it was. He was hoping it was Logan. He didn't know why. The thought of seeing Logan right then had his heart pounding, and his face flushing in embarrassment.

He also felt a little queasy, but that was probably just the hangover.

But luckily - or unluckily, James couldn't decide - Carlos was the one that walked through the door, and James relaxed under the blankets once more.

"Hey, James, you awake yet?" Carlos asked softly.

James didn't say anything, hoping that Carlos would just go away if he stayed quiet.

"James?" Carlos spoke a little louder. The sound was like a jab to James' brain, and if James could move, he'd get up and hit Carlos. Instead he just lay very still, breathing deeply to keep his stomach from betraying him.

"James!"

James almost jumped at the unexpected yell. He pulled the blankets off, and pushed himself up onto his elbows to glare at Carlos, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head. "Fuck, man! If someone doesn't answer you it means they're asleep!"

"But you're not," Carlos pointed out, blinking at James guilelessly.

"That's not the point!"

Carlos suddenly frowned, bottom lip protruding slightly. "Don't get mad at me just because you don't know when to stop drinking!"

James groaned, and flopped back onto the bed, rolling over onto his stomach. "Please, just stop talking…" he mumbled into his pillow.

Carlos sat down on the edge of his bed, and rubbed James' back. "Logan told Mrs. Knight that you weren't feeling well this morning, and you needed to rest. But she's ready to come up with some medicine if you don't get up soon."

And okay, James felt like a bit of a jerk for yelling now that he knew Carlos was just looking out for him, but the only thing he could focus on was Logan. He twisted his neck to look over his shoulder at Carlos.

"Where is Logan?"

Carlos shrugged. "He went out this morning."

"Where?"

"Dunno. He didn't say, just told me to bring you some water and aspirin when you woke up, and to not let Mrs. Knight know that you're hungover."

"Oh." James didn't know if he should feel touched that Logan was looking out for him, or hurt that Logan wasn't there to take care of him. He smiled gratefully anyway when Carlos handed him the bottle of water and two small, white pills.

After swallowing them down and drinking more than half of the water, he flopped back down on his bed, arm thrown across his face. Carlos laughed, and poked him in the thigh. "So, what happened last night? Logan wouldn't say but he was acting weird."

James sighed. "I really don't want to talk about it…"

"So, something did happen? Did you throw up on him or something?"

James couldn't help but laugh before he groaned in pain, rolling over onto his side. "No, I didn't throw up on him," he said, miserably.

"Then what?"

James sighed, wondering if he should tell Carlos. He wasn't sure how Carlos would react. It probably wouldn't matter to him in the long run, but James wanted to keep it to himself for a little bit longer either way.

"It's none of your business."

Carlos pouted slightly. "Whatever. It's probably something lame anyway," he said and bounced to his feet. "You better get up. Mrs. Knight said she was going to check on you soon if you didn't."

James let out another groan, and sighed, letting his arm slide off his face. "Alright. I'm getting up."

Carlos stood there expectantly, but James stayed where he was. "Well?"

"I'm working on it!"

Carlos laughed then reached forward to grab James by the arm. "Come on, man. You know how scary Kendall's mom can be when she thinks one of us is sick," he said, tugging James into a sitting position.

James let out another answering groan as he was pulled to his feet. He stumbled forward a few steps but Carlos was there to grab him. He sighed and draped his arm over Carlos' shoulder, and leaning practically all of his weight on Carlos, they headed towards the bathroom together.

After taking a long hot shower, James almost felt normal again. He settled on the couch and texted Logan, asking where he was. He held his phone in both hands down in his lap and stared down at it, waiting for Logan's reply.

He wanted to talk about the night before and not just about them fucking but after too, when James had tried to tell Logan how he felt without actually saying it. Logan wasn't dumb. He had to have known what James was trying to say and his refusal to even acknowledge James' words was probably his way of letting James down easy.

It was fine if Logan didn't feel the same way, but James didn't want it to ruin their friendship. He hadn't been thinking that far ahead the night before. He had just wanted and hadn't been able to stop himself from taking, not caring about the consequences. But now he felt anxious and worried about what would happen next.

He sighed softly and when Logan didn't reply to his text after several minutes, he sent another.

Where are you?

After a few more minutes of silence, he was starting to get impatient. Logan?

Again, he got nothing back and he let out a frustrated sigh. At least let me know ur not dead

A couple minutes passed before his phone finally vibrated with a response. I'm not dead

James huffed out a small laugh despite himself. He shook his head as his fingers skittered across his phone. When will u b back

Is it really so hard to type the full word?

The corner of James' mouth quirked up. He could practically see Logan's annoyed expression. Yes and don't change the subject, When are you coming home?

Later

We need to talk

Later

James made a small noise of annoyance and scowled lightly down at the reply before he tossed his phone to the side. It bounced slightly before settling on the cushion beside him.

It wasn't really surprising that Logan was avoiding him. James knew he needed time to figure out how he felt about everything. Or maybe he was trying to figure out a way of letting James down easy. Or maybe he just hated James now for not being able to control himself and their friendship was ruined forever.

Panic had his heart racing at that last thought and James shook his head, trying to physically clear it of all thoughts. He should really wait until he was able to talk to Logan before he started to freak out about anything.

He quickly grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, deciding to distract himself with bad reality TV until Logan got back. He kept glancing at his phone though, fingers twitching to text Logan again, tell him to come back home so they can talk now.

He somehow managed to control himself, knowing that Logan would only ignore his texts anyway. He sighed and crossed his arms, resolutely keeping his eyes fixed on the television.

Further distraction came in the form of Carlos bouncing into the apartment a few minutes later, two smoothies in hand and a grin on his face. It was only then that James even noticed that Carlos had been missing.

"Hey, James! I brought you a smoothie to cheer you up!"

James couldn't help but smile as he took the offered smoothie. "Thanks, man," he said, holding the cool beverage in both hands in his lap. He sighed softly, smile slipping from his face as he swiped his thumb across the condensation on the cup.

Carlos frowned as he sat down next to him on the couch. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," James said and shook his head. He didn't want to talk to Carlos about it, he didn't want to talk to anybody except Logan.

He watched Carlos purse his lips out of the corner of his eye. He could tell that Carlos wanted to press the issue but didn't know how. "Is it about Logan?" Carlos finally asked tentatively, but curious.

James sighed and glanced at Carlos quickly before he fixed his gaze back on the drink in his hands. "Yeah, but I really don't want to talk about it."

There was another long silence and James thought that Carlos was actually going to let the subject drop. But of course, Carlos was too stubborn for that. "So, what happened between you two?"

James shot Carlos an annoyed look. "I said, I didn't want to talk about it," he snapped harsher than he intended.

Carlos' pursed his lips and James knew he wanted to get angry and annoyed at James. "Fine, whatever," he said after a tense moment of silence. "Want to play video games, then?"

James sighed, shoulders heaving with the movement. He knew he shouldn't take his frustration with Logan out on Carlos. It wasn't fair to him, especially when he didn't know what was going on.

"Sure, why not…"

"We slept together."

The words were out before he could stop them, an apology of sorts for snapping at Carlos earlier, but it was also a release. It made him feel just a little better to say it out loud to somebody. Made it more real and not just something he dreamed up.

He heard the controller fall from Carlos' grasp and used the opportunity to kill Carlos' character before turning towards Carlos warily.

"What? Who did?"

James sighed and with shaky hands set his controller down beside him on the couch before he turned fully towards Carlos. "Me and Logan."

Carlos blinked, eyes widening impossibly further. Any other time, James would've laughed but his heart was pounding almost painfully in his chest and it took all his concentration to breathe properly.

"Wh-when?"

James cleared his throat and licked his lips quickly, averting his gaze. "Last night. On our way home. We pulled over and fucked in the backseat," he said, glancing at Carlos to catch his reaction.

Carlos' eyebrow twitched and he blinked rapidly. He sat back on the couch in shock before he sat forward again almost instantly. "But you and Logan? I didn't know you two-"

"We're not," James cut him off quickly. He didn't want to think about words like 'together' and 'in love'. He wanted it though. He wanted to be with Logan. He just didn't want to get his hopes up, especially not after the way Logan had reacted the night before or how he brushed off James' texts.

"But…then why?"

James pressed his lips together tightly, thinking about the question. He took a deep breath then chuckled humorlessly. "Because I was drunk and it was Logan and I don't know. It just seemed like a good idea at the time," he said with a stiff shrug of his shoulders.

Carlos sat back again and let out a whoosh of a sigh. "So, is that why he was acting all weird this morning?"

James shrugged again. "I guess."

"Are you two together now or something?"

James tensed slightly at the word then sighed. "No."

"But you want to," Carlos said, frowning slightly like he wasn't sure if he was asking or stating a fact.

James chuckled and gave Carlos a wry smile. "Doesn't matter."

Carlos frowned at his answer. "Yes, it does. Do you like him, then? Like, like him like him?"

James sighed and slumped down on the couch. "I don't know. Maybe…" he said, but he knew.

He definitely liked Logan. He didn't think he could ever really describe how he felt about Logan. He just made James better. Logan made him feel better, made him want to be better. And when he wasn't and Logan gave him that look or let out that tiny sigh or shook his head, it made James want to try harder. Every little smile sent his way had his heart racing. And everything Logan did made James smile, even when he was being an obnoxious know-it-all.

If that wasn't like then James didn't know what was.

They spent the rest of the afternoon playing video games until Logan came home just before dinner. James looked up and caught Logan's eye briefly before Logan ducked his head down and hurried off to his room. James jumped to his feet, tossing the controller on the couch next to Carlos and bounded after him.

He caught up with Logan right as he ran into the room and slammed the door shut. James stopped short and blinked at the door before he reached forward and grabbed the doorknob, twisting it as he pushed. He was met with resistance that could only mean that Logan was pushing up against the door.

"Logan, open up."

"I'm busy, James."

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't."

James sighed, mouth pressed into a firm line and pushed against the door. "Stop being stupid and let me in." He shook the doorknob and pushed harder. The door opened a few centimeters before slamming shut again.

"Just go away!"

James didn't bother replying. He pressed his shoulder against the door and pushed with all of his strength. At first the door didn't budge then there was a small back and forth struggle as Logan pushed back. He could hear Logan grunting on the other side with the effort of keeping the door closed.

"Oh my god," James muttered and let out a huff of exasperation. Logan was being ridiculous. That was usually his job and he wondered if this was how Logan felt about him on a regular basis. He shook his head to clear it and gritted his teeth, putting all his weight into pushing against the door.

Suddenly, it swung open and he stumbled in, eyes wide as he tried to catch his balance before he ended up in a sprawl on the ground. Logan hadn't been so lucky James noticed and he watched as the other boy quickly scrambled to his feet.

Logan swiped his hands down his thighs and pulled down his shirt roughly to remove any wrinkles before he spun around to glare at James. "What do you want?"

James didn't let Logan's clipped tone bother him. "I already told you. I want to talk," he said, taking a deep breath. He walked further into the room and shut the door.

Logan's eyes widened slightly and he looked panicked for a split second before his brows furrowed in annoyance. "About what?"

James rolled his eyes, his mouth twisting slightly in derision. "What do you think? Last night," he said then took a quick breath. "Logan-"

Logan cut him off with a quick shake of his head, hand coming up to stop him from talking. "There's nothing to talk about. We had sex, end of discussion."

James hesitated a moment, looking at Logan intently. Logan's expression was closed off and he couldn't tell what he was thinking and that was unusual because James was always able to figure out what Logan was feeling. It put him off a little but he refused to back down.

"You can't tell me last night meant nothing to you," he pressed cautiously.

Logan licked his lips quickly and he shook his head again. "It didn't. It was a mistake, that's all it was," he said softly, turning his face away.

James flinched slightly at the words and he swallowed thickly, shaking his head in denial. "You're lying."

Logan turned back to James with a small exasperated sigh. "James…"

"No!" He couldn't believe that. He wouldn't. It didn't matter that he'd been setting himself up for this all day, there had still been that small glimmer of hope that Logan would feel something for James.

"I know you. You wouldn't just sleep with me if you didn't feel anything. That's not how you are," he argued. If he didn't know anything else, he knew Logan. Logan didn't do one-night stands or casual sex. He had relationships and feelings. James refused to believe that their night together was any different.

"It's not like you gave me much of a choice!"

Again, it was like Logan's words were a slap to the face. James took a deep breath and leveled Logan with a steady look. "If you really wanted me to stop, you would've stopped me."

Logan took a deep breath and looked away. "James, please. I've been out all day. I'm tired and hungry. Can we not talk about this right now?"

"Then when?" He took a step forward as he spoke. It was a challenge of a sort.

One Logan apparently wasn't ready to meet because he turned his face away again and sighed heavily. "I don't know. Just later…please?"

Logan looked up at him pleadingly and James sagged in defeat. He looked away and nodded in resignation. He'd never been able to say no to Logan when he looked at James like that. "Fine. Whatever you want."

Logan gave him a short, forced smile and quickly ducked out of the room. James watched him go and blinked rapidly, suddenly feeling like he'd made a mistake. He lifted a hand to run it through his hair but stopped when he realized it was shaking. He stared at it for a moment before he let it drop back to his side and shoved both hands into his pockets.

If Logan wanted to wait until later to talk, then that's what they'd do.

Except later never came and James grew increasingly more frustrated as each day passed and Logan continued to avoid him.

It was actually ridiculous how easy it was for Logan to avoid James considering they both lived and worked together, but somehow Logan managed it. He was gone by the time James woke up and didn't come home until dinner time, sometimes not even then. Then he'd do everything in his power to not be in the same room with James for any length of time.

When they were needed at the studio, he always managed to keep one or both of their friends between them while they recorded and when they were on break, Logan stuck close to Kendall's side, much to James' irritation.

It hurt more than James would ever admit to have someone he'd been so close to suddenly barely acknowledging his presence. More than that, it pissed him off. The least Logan could do was talk to him, acknowledge what happened between them and hopefully let James explain his feelings for him.

He refused to believe that Logan didn't feel anything for him. Not because he was James Diamond but because they were James and Logan. They had grown so close since they'd moved to L.A., especially after Logan's relationship with Kendall fell apart along with their friendship. They were fixing it and they were almost there but there were still moments when they didn't know how to act around each other, awkward moments when Kendall would throw his arm around Logan's shoulder carelessly and Logan would stiffen in surprise.

Which made seeing Logan suddenly spending all his time with Kendall again so annoying. Kendall seemed confused but pleased at having Logan's attention once again but James knew he'd noticed the tension between him and Logan. Even Carlos was acting differently around Logan even though he'd promised James that he wouldn't.

So, it was only a matter of time before Kendall started sticking his nose where it didn't belong because he was Kendall fucking Knight and needed to know everything that went on in his friends' lives.

It finally happened at Rocque Records. James was still trying to figure out how to get Logan alone in their short allotted break time, Carlos had disappeared to find some food and Logan and Kendall were playing a game of foosball.

James watched from the couch, arms crossed and narrowed eyes focused on Logan, watching his every move.

"Ha! Beat you!"

James' eyes flickered towards the triumphant Kendall before his gaze returned to Logan, who scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Logan muttered, a small grin spreading across his face. James clenched his jaw tight at the sight, jealousy surging through him.

"Who's next?" Kendall looked around and spotted James. "James?"

James glanced at Kendall, trying not to glare because it wasn't Kendall that James was mad at, not really. "I don't want to," he managed to grit out.

Kendall stared at him, brow wrinkling slightly in confusion before he shrugged and looked around. "Where's Carlos?"

Logan cleared his throat softly and fidgeted. "Um, I think he said he was going to grab some food."

"Oh," Kendall said then turned to Logan, a challenging look on his face. "Want to play again?"

Logan chuckled but shook his head. "Actually, I was wondering if you could help me go over that dance routine we learned the other day?"

Kendall looked at Logan in surprise. "Yeah, sure. But why me? James knows it better than I do."

James blinked and then he smiled. He could kiss Kendall, really he could, if it wouldn't be weird and awkward and just plain gross anyway. He grinned at Logan when the other glanced at him, eyes wide and with a slight look of fear in them that had James' grin slipping off his face.

"I don't mind helping you out," he offered, unfolding his arms and sitting forward on the couch.

Logan shook his head quickly. "Nah, I'm good. I'll just ask Mr. X next time we're rehearsing," he said and averted his gaze, looking back towards Kendall. "So, you wanted to play again?"

James ground his teeth together, anger flaring up in him. He wanted to grab Logan and force him to look at him, shake him until Logan stopped acting like James didn't mean anything to him.

He could feel Kendall watching them, one by one, out of the corner of his eye but James ignored him, eyes focused solely on Logan.

"What's going on with you two?"

Logan looked up towards Kendall sharply before he turned to look at James. Their eyes caught and James tried to will Logan to not look away, but Logan turned away after a moment and James' shoulder sagged slightly.

"N-nothing. It's nothing," Logan muttered, swallowing convulsively as he looked down at the foosball table, absently turning one of the knobs.

Nothing, James thought. That's all he was to Logan now. He closed his hands into fists by his side, chest aching at the thought.

"There's obviously something going on," Kendall said and James finally looked away from Logan and stared Kendall down.

"It's none of your business, Kendall," he said forcefully. The last thing he wanted was for Kendall to get involved in this.

"It is if it's affecting the band," Kendall shot back, brows furrowed.

"It's not. It won't," Logan interjected and looked at both of them before his gaze settled on Kendall. Kendall gave him a look and Logan continued, tone insistent. "It's nothing. Right, James?"

He glanced at James imploringly and James wanted to argue because it wasn't nothing. It was important and they needed to talk about it. But he let out a sigh and looked away.

"Yeah, right. It's nothing."

It was then that James realized that Logan was never going to be ready to talk and it was time to take matters into his own hands.

The plan was simple. Carlos would lure Logan up to their room and James would keep him in there until Logan finally talked to him. It was probably not a Kendall-worthy plan but it was good enough for James and if nothing else, he'd at least be able to get Logan alone for the first time in almost two weeks.

He looked down at his phone as it beeped with an incoming text from Carlos saying that he and Logan were on their way up. He quickly rushed up the slide and into his room. He left the door open slightly and listened as the other two boys walked into the apartment.

"Really, Carlos, how did you lose your helmet?"

"I don't know! Just help me look for it."

"Have you checked your room?"

"Um…no?"

James listened to Logan's exasperated sigh and glanced over at Carlos' bed, where his helmet was sitting. He heard them climbing up the swirly-slide and backed away into the corner. He didn't need a door to the face on top of everything else.

The door swung open a few moments later and they both walked in. Logan stopped in the middle of the room and James edged closer to the door as quietly as he could.

Logan gestured to Carlos' bed and sent the other boy an irritated look. "Look, it's right there!"

"Oh! Awesome!" Carlos excitedly bounced over to his bed, grabbed his helmet, and plunked it on top of his head. "Thanks, Logan," he said, grinning at Logan widely.

Logan grumbled something and James tried not to smile as Logan shook his head in aggravation.

Carlos only grinned wider at Logan, unfazed by his obvious annoyance and ran out of the room. As soon as Carlos was out, James sprang into action. He slammed the door shut and leaned against it, crossing his arms across his chest.

Logan had been turning around to leave but he stopped short, jumping lightly when the door slammed shut. "James!" He blinked rapidly at him then his brows furrowed. "What are you doing?"

"We need to talk, Logan and I'm not taking no for an answer this time," James said quickly. He felt breathless and he took a deep breath to calm his thundering heart.

Logan's brows furrowed again, annoyance written all over his face but James could also see something like fear in his eyes behind it. "No, we don't," he said brusquely and took a step forward in what was probably supposed to be an intimidating manner. He faltered at the last second though and ended up seeming unsure instead. "Move," he demanded, voice shaking slightly.

James pressed his back further against the door and shook his head. "No."

"Come on, move out of the way, James," Logan said impatiently, grabbing James arm and trying to tug him away from the door.

James pulled back and stood his ground, shifting his feet apart slightly for more stability. "No. Not until you talk to me," he growled out, and jerked his arm out of Logan's grasp. He crossed them once more and stared Logan down.

Logan exhaled sharply and took a step back, crossing his arms as well. "This is really immature, you know that?" he said, glaring up at James.

James scoffed in disbelief and let his arms fall back to his sides. "And avoiding me like I have cooties or something isn't? If you'd just stop and talk to me, I wouldn't have had to do this."

"What's there to talk about?"

James' brows furrowed in annoyance. "Don't play dumb. It doesn't work for you."

Logan sighed and looked away, shoulder sagging in defeat. "I was kind of hoping we could just drop it. We had sex. It didn't mean anything. Why are you trying to make it such a big deal?"

"Was I that bad?" James meant for it to come out as a joke, nonchalant and amused, but the words were softly spoken, his voice coming out uncertain instead. He swallowed thickly, unable to take them back and start over and waited for Logan's response.

Logan's head snapped up and he stared at James wide-eyed. "What? No! That's not it at all. It's just- James, I'm not proud of that night."

James' brows furrowed slightly. "Why?"

Logan tensed, his body shaking slightly then he practically exploded, throwing his arms up. "Because I took advantage of you!"

James' eyes widened in surprise. That was the last thing he expected Logan to say. He scoffed. "What? No, you didn't. If anything I'm the one that took advantage of you."

"You were drunk!"

"I wasn't that drunk," he shot back immediately. Even though he had been pretty drunk that night, he had still known what he was doing. If anything, him being drunk had only motivated his actions that night. He never would've had the courage to make a move otherwise.

"That doesn't matter. You weren't thinking straight. I might as well have held you down and raped you!"

James' brows furrowed and he smirked slightly in amusement at Logan's over-dramatic reaction. He thought he was supposed to be the drama king. "Don't be stupid. I was the one that forced you, remember?"

Logan shook his head, looking down. "I should've had more self-control."

James stepped forward, placing a hand on Logan's shoulder, gripping it tight as he gave Logan a little shake. "Logan, stop," he said with a small sigh, knowing that they could go back and forth like this for hours without finding any kind of middle ground. Logan was too damn stubborn for his own good sometimes.

Logan kept his gaze down and James let out another sigh. "Look at me… Please," he begged softly when Logan still refused.

Logan took a deep breath, entire body heaving with it and finally, reluctantly, lifted his gaze, looking up at James with a guarded expression.

"I wanted to have sex with you," James started and noticed the way Logan's cheeks tinged pink at his words. He couldn't help but smile as he continued softly, "I wanted you, Logan. I still do."

Logan swallowed thickly and looked away briefly before his eyes returned to James. It was easy to see that he was confused and scared. "I can't, James. You're my friend, one of my best friends. I can't do that again…" Logan shook his head and looked down. "I'm sorry…"

James really should have known that it always came back to Kendall. The old anger that he felt over what happened between his two best friends came back in a rush. "I'm not him!"

Logan jumped slightly at his outburst and James took a moment to take a deep breath. "I'm not Kendall," he repeated more calmly. "I know what I want. I know I like boys just as much as I like girls. And you know that too, Logan. You were the first one I told, remember?"

Logan smiled then, corners of his mouth upturning softly. "Yeah, I remember."

James returned the smile and lifted his hand to cup Logan's jaw gently. "And I like you, Logan. I don't know how it happened and I don't really care but you're it for me. I just know it."

"You can't know that, James. You say that now but you don't mean it." Logan's tone was an odd combination of amused and sad, like he was expecting James to say something like that but didn't quite believe him. It made James' chest ache.

"And you can't know that. You don't know how I feel," James shot back stubbornly.

Logan shook his head slightly and looked down.

James sighed and let his hand drop back to his side as he took a step back. "Just tell me that you don't feel the same and I'll leave you alone."

Logan swallow thickly and then held his breath as his eyes flew across the room before he exhaled in a rush. "I…" he stopped and took another deep breath before his eyes locked on James for a few seconds. "I'm sorry, James," he said sadly and shook his head, looking down again.

And it wasn't no, it wasn't an outright rejection but it hurt all the same. James took a deep breath and held it, eyes prickling slightly. He blinked them quickly and swallowed back the lump in his throat, taking a step away from Logan.

"Right, okay," he said, voice thick with emotion. He swallowed a few times and cleared his throat. He refused to cry, especially in front of Logan. It wouldn't change anything and it'd only make Logan feel bad for making him cry.

Logan looked at him sharply, eyes wide in surprise. "Okay?"

James was going to be mature about this, he promised himself. He didn't want Logan to feel guilty about not feeling the same way. It hurt to think about it and he wished he'd just dropped it when Logan asked, he wished he hadn't mentioned anything about that night. He didn't know why he expected Logan's answer to change. It was stupid really now that he thought about it.

James forced a smile and held his hands up in a helpless gesture. "It sucks, Logan. A lot. But I get it. You can't help how you feel, right?"

Logan's expression softened and he reached out before stopping himself, letting his hand drop back to his side. "James…I really am sorry."

"I know you are, Logan. I'm sorry too. I should've just dropped it when you first asked me too. It'd probably hurt less."

Logan inhaled sharply and he swallowed. "James…" he started but James shook his head.

"It's fine, Logan. I'm a big boy, I'll get over it," he said, forcing the words out.

Logan studied him for a long time until James started to fidget under his gaze. For the past few weeks, James had wanted nothing more than for Logan to look at him again and now that Logan was, James just wanted him to stop.

"Can we still be friends?" Logan asked hesitantly.

James huffed out a laugh and stared into Logan's hopeful face. The smile that spread across his face then was a little more genuine. "Of course, man. Nothing has to change. We can forget this ever happened and go back to the way things were, okay?"

Logan looked a little skeptical but nodded all the same. James smiled and pulled him into a quick hug before wrapping an arm around Logan's shoulder. "Good, now come on. We'll go grab a smoothie and hang out by the pool. I missed you."

Logan looked a little bewildered but he went along with James. "I missed you, too," he confessed and it eased the ache in James' chest just a little.

It was going to hurt, he knew that. He didn't know if he could get over Logan, didn't know if he wanted to get over Logan. But he would try his best not to let his feelings get in the way of their friendship. If that was all Logan was willing to give him, then he'd just have to learn to be satisfied with that and stop wanting more.