AN: This is Part 1 of the amazing Livie Liv's belated birthday present.

This is for her, but I hope you like it too. Hopefully. We'll see. Eh. Why not?

Enjoy.

Chapter 5: Rosemary's Baby Fork's Edition, Part 1

My father had Renee locked in a cage.

My quietly, snarling mother was noshing on her own wrist and staring at the prisms hanging from the bars. The colorful lights reflecting from them had hypnotized the zombie mommy. It was quite the discovery by Charlie. Of course, he thought they would make her happy because prisms were stupid, fancy shit that women folk liked. Those were his words not mine.

I walked up to Dad who stared insipidly at Renee like a love struck teenaged girl. I informed him, "I think I will be shooting her in the head today. She's smelling up the yard."

"Don't you dare, girl! That's your mother!" Dad looked at me with an offended expression. "She's not perfect, but she still your gave birth to you!"

Mother? I would describe Renee as a deadbeat fetus carrier who disappeared to parts unknown until the zombie apocalypse occurred. I imagined she came wandering back into our lives for cans of tuna fish or jars of peanut butter. I have no clue about her real rational. We saw her walk toward us on Main Street when we brought fresh vegetables from Esme's garden to feed the living back in town. Poor Dad was in shock. I was sipping chipmunk blood out of a Burger King cup with a straw and didn't give a shit.

That's when old Mrs. Cope wearing a ripped up, floral muumuu with the flesh of her cheek hanging off took a bite off of Mom.

Dad cried. I choked on my take-out blood, because I started laughing so hard.

Unfortunately for me, Dad decided to keep his ex-wife as a pet.

Dad decided to remind me, "You can't say anything. You keep that Angela Weber on a leash."

Call me sentimental, but when your high school best friend gets eaten by some lug head from the football team, you take care of her. In this case, lead her around on a leash like a rabid puppy.

I always wanted a pet.

"That's different. Angie is the perfect zombie detector."

This is an undeniable fact. Zombies must be awfully lonely. In terms of the different types of undead, vampires can handle being by themselves pretty easily. Being able to read and watch bad TV is a wonderful ability to have when you have an eternity to hang around. Zombies have seriously limited brain function, so creature comforts hold no interest to them. However, being with other zombies is the only time I see some sort of relaxation in their decayed faces. It was like watching zombie magnets connect. I've even seen them stroke each other's hair. It's fascinating to watch until I behead them.

"I call bullshit, kid," my dad disagreed. "You sneak her brains from the morgue."

I smiled at Angela who kept walking toward us moaning and would fall back onto her ass when she reached the end of her rope. Like a good pet owner, I had tied her to a tree for the safety of our human neighbors.

"What a good Angie! Momma is going to get you some fresh brain matter!" I called to her. She snapped at a monarch butterfly. It was adorable.

"Those vampires have made you insane, Bells," my dad stated. He shook his head sadly.

I punched him in the shoulder. "Whatever, old man. You have your ex-wife in a giant bird cage like a parrot. The vamp crazy is catching and you're infected."

"Damn vampires," my dad mumbled.

"Yes, we are."

It felt great just to enjoy the sun on my face, talk to my father, and enjoy the beginning of spring with our zombie pets. That was until my husband, Tickle Me Emo had to ruin it all.

"Sweetest love of my life, I have missed you!" Edward ran to me. He flung his arms around me and hugged me tightly. "You left our love nest!"

I did. I was trying to read Stephen King and he was playing hours of Victorian love songs on the piano. Hours of non-stop piano music was tempting me to rip off his head. It also made me queasy.

Could vampires throw up?

"I needed a break, dude," I admitted. "The piano playing—"

"Is a beautiful expression of our love?" He kissed my head. Always with the kissing with that guy. I will admit that I sort of liked it. A lot.

Not enough to not be honest. "Gives me a raging headache. Could you possibly learn to play some new songs. It isn't as if you don't have plenty of time to tryout some new sheet music."

"Won't it interrupt the amount we devote to our lovemaking, darling?" He asked this with lovestruck eyes.

"We'll be good." I was hoping his libido would be slowed down a bit. You can only spend so much time getting amorous while flat on your back, up against a wall, upside down in a flower meadow—

Actually, you could spend all your time like that, but I liked to pretend to be a well-rounded individual.

Edward grinned at me brightly. "I will quickly memorize the amazing songbook of the world famous Billy Joel!"

My stomach flipped.

It then decided to flop.

Flipping and flopping faster with such an intensity that I felt like I was on an uncontrollable roller coaster.

Bloody bile rose up my throat. I attempted to swallow it down, but I violently expelled it all on the ground in a red mess around my feet.

Mrs. Stanley, who was walking by the house carrying her groceries, dropped her bags and screamed, "That girl has the consumption! We're all going to die from the plague!"

If zombie attacks weren't bad enough.

She fainted to the ground in a heap. My father licked his lips and suggested, "Why don't I just help her up?"

Esme ran out and took my dad's arm. "Oh Charles! Please no!"

It was as if lightening struck. I don't think they had ever been so close to each other before. My dad stared at Esme. Esme stared at my dad. He gently stroked a tendril of her hair.

She whispered softly. "I do love a man with a mustache, Charles."

"Esme, my dear, I do believe you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." My father stroked her chin. "One moment, dearest."

My father turned and shot Mommy Zombie in the head. I felt a twinge of something. At first, I imagined it was sadness. I then realized it was just more of this evil vampire stomach flu.

Carlisle stormed out of the house. "Esme, where are my lilac scarves?"

"I'm divorcing you, Carlisle Cullen." She didn't even look at him. Instead, Esme pushed her lips onto my dad's face. It was disturbing.

"But . . . But . . . But—" Carlisle looked in shock. He then turned his loving gaze to Edward. "Oh Ed—"

Edward pulled me in close. "Bella, isn't that romantic? They have a love like ours! Our parents give me more inspiration on how to woo you forever. You are my uptown girl! I'm so excited to sing you the songs of the amazing Mr. Joel!"

Maybe my queasiness was all Billy Joel induced?

Carlisle sighed. Speaking to himself, he said, "I'm going to call Alistair for a visit. I wonder if he can mend my shirts?"

That time he looked at Esme wistfully. It was hard to find a good seamstress these days.

Alice came running out of the house and down the stairs of the front porch. She almost fell over poor Mrs. Stanley. "Hi there, Mrs. Stanley! Is she dead? Never mind! I have a vision to announce!"

That she was moving her crazy ass out with Wild Bill Hickcock?

"A child shall be born!" She pointed to my stone belly. "To you, Bella!"

What the hell? Crazy must have drunk from a drugged up deer.

"I'm going to be a daddy!" Edward cried happily.

"You are all insane!" I yelled.

That's when I felt a hard kick on the inside of my stomach.

Damn it.