The HuMaN ConDItion

~What Control Means~

The lights flicker every so often above us. I rub the skin above my left eye, trying to force myself to hear the complex rituals this lady says will strengthen Sora.

But the words coming out of her mouth might as well be gibberish for all the meaning I'm able to pull out. Slowly, I repeat what she said at the beginning. "So...this version of the CL medication won't mess with our connection like the previous medication I had to take? It just allows Sora's heart to function without my help?"

Aqua (I can only remember her name because of the tag) just smiles. Her eyes shine in desperation. "Yes, but besides the CL variation additives, the over the counter meds act as a treatment most Hosts take to prevent heart disease. However, I think CL medication would be a good addition to allow-"

"No." I shake my head. "I'm never taking the base stuff ever again and neither is he."

"Roxas...am I correct? Listen, I've placed you in charge because there was no alternative. I need you to be honest and take the time to really think about the affect you are having on Sora. You need to be physically close to him. But the mind is a different matter. It is healthy to maintain a level of privacy. I think it would decrease the anxiety you have."

I cross my arms. "No offense, but you're Sora's main doctor, not mine. I know my body better than you."

"You'd be surprised. I've seen your symptoms before. The fidgeting. Diluted pupils. Involuntary movements. These are common signs your kind exhibit when you feel like your Host is in danger. But Roxas... you've seen it for yourself. Sora, in the room right across from us. You have nothing to fear, and yet..."

I look down. My right leg bounces, tapping the floor in a flurry of heel stomps. I stop it. "Whatever. I'll use it if there's no other option."

"I guess that's the best I'll get on that front. If you want, I could see you on a regular basis. It's not uncommon for the Host and clone to be paired with the same doctor."

"I'll pass." I spend a few more minutes flipping through the various prescription combinations Aqua prescribed. "What happens if he skips a dose?"

She lets out a short breath. "It's all there. I understand if you're tired of listening to me talk. It's been a long day."

Damn it, woman. Explain it in a way that I can understand why don't you! "Right. But still, if you can just go over the most serious symptoms for the stronger ones."

"There are three different options for treatment. It depends on the pace you both want for any possibility of living separately. As I said before, the current limitation you have is a week or less with no physical contact."

"Right." I squint my eyes. "So, CL-Coded, CL-Unchained, and CL-Fragment are the dangerous ones if taken incorrectly?"

"Yes. They also have the worst side-effects, but those can easily be managed if you choose to give him a portion of your energy when needed. However, if he starts either of them and isn't consistent not even you will be able to curb all the negative effects. Some could leak into you even."

"Such as?"

She leans back. Her tone flattens and suddenly I realize how serious this all is. "CL-Coded gives Hosts a strange aversion towards technology, almost like an allergy. During panic attacks that arise from that you'd have to move him to the ground square, anyplace with vegetation but nowhere near electrical appliances. As you know, Senia's outdated tech wouldn't affect him as badly as say our laptops.

"CL-Unchained tends to produce gaps in memory if overdosed, damaging the regions of the brain that affect short term memory. Only way to combat this is to take a sleeping pill, otherwise both of you could lose the ability to retain new information. This is the most dangerous of the three for Sora.

"CL-Fragment alters the brain chemistry when taken past the prescribed amount. This leads to hallucination, auditory and visual. Generally, these symptoms are retained and locked in the clone because of the nature of your mental link, so this would be the most dangerous for you if Sora misuses it."

I swallow. The side-effects are shit all around. But..."The dangerous options involving the CL-types would allow Sora to recover faster."

She nods. "As I said, it's up to both of you. Excluding the heart medication, my original assessment for half a year of inactivity still stands. But Sora is a very... stubborn patient. So I've prescribed these methods. Otherwise, I'm afraid he'll push himself like always."

"He won't. Not this time." I stand, giving her a slight bow. "Sensei...thank you." My voice sounds a little off, but I'm hoping it's polite enough to end the conversation.

I just want to get back into the room with Sora and follow him into sleep. But manners are more important than ever, especially if the press decides to bombard me with questions after we're all released. I can't let the outside world see me crack.

Not yet.

Aqua's eyes finally carry some relief. She may be stiff and awkward but I can tell she cares about us. Doesn't mean I'm ready to be her next lab case. She's too skittish.

As if to prove my point, when I offer my hand in her direction she flinches back. "Y-your hand," She mutters.

I blink. "Huh?" My wrist shakes and the red lines ensnaring my palms and knuckles sends a small punch to my anxious mind. "Ah, they're just scratches." When did I even start?

She kneels in front of me, gingerly touching the ripped skin in between my knuckles. I don't move and can only watch in disgust as some blood oozes down in between my fingers when she presses on the cut. "Do you feel that?"

I swallow and pull my hand away. "A little," I lie. My nose twitches this time and I look away. "We're done, right?"

"...yes." She gets a pen, scribbling a long name of some product on the front of Sora's newest prescription list. "This cream should help with your hands."

I resist the urge to snatch the record from her. When she hands it to me my feet are already halfway to the door and ten seconds later I'm sitting by Sora. His blanket twists up in bunches near his feet as he tosses and turns. His fingers look more like claws, scratching relentlessly at his knuckles as he mutters incoherent pleas.

I shudder and pin down his hands. "Don't," I whisper. But really, it's a feeling I'm trying to push.

His body shuts down and a large gust of air flows past his lips. My relief only lasts a second when his blue eyes open. Pure, clouded, blue eyes. I'm lost in them but he doesn't move.

"S-Sora?"

He smiles. "You're so...far away." He chuckles. "Roxas...Roxas swimming away..."

I close my eyes, letting go of his hands. "You're still asleep." I cover his eyes. "Quit being weird. I don't swim."

He laughs louder. "I can swim. You can swim. Swim with me. You'll become the water...you'll be free. We'll mix and crash like the waves."

"You a poet now?" I burrow into the covers, pulling them back over Sora. "I'm going to ignore you."

"If you want me to stop talking make me do it."

Everything inside me stops. I turn my head. He stares back with a rebellious smirk. His eyes are half-lidded, but there's an alertness there that takes me back. I've never seen that look on him before. Cold. Cynical.

The words pop out of my mouth before I can process everything. "I just might."

Sora's smile gets even bigger. "Do it. Make me stop."

I frown. "No, I...I'm too tired."

"Too bad. I guess you won't sleep then." He touches my hand and suddenly my whole palm and knuckles are burning along each scratch. "How did you get this?"

I bite down on my bottom lip. "That hurts."

"You blocked the pain at first. Why aren't you doing it now?"

"I just...I just want to go to sleep." I moan, pulling my hands away. The blood stands out more and I hide my mangled knuckles. A nauseous feeling slowly crawls up my chest. "Don't make me."

"Make you?" Sora tilts his head. "Aren't you in control? Make me fall asleep, Master." His smile turns cruel. "Go on. I'm so weak but you're the strong one. Your heart is ten times better than mine."

I frown. He asked for it. With all my leftover strength I imagine invisible hands pressing themselves on the side of his head. I picture his eyes closing, let the drowsy energy from my own body extend past my limbs. I'm forcing everything so hard that my nose burns. I wipe at the blood streaming from my nostrils.

Sora just smiles, blinking a few times, eyes open even wider than before. Dread replaces every ounce of energy in my body. He looks even more awake than when I first entered the room.

I open my mouth then close it. But... How?

Sora smiles with his teeth. They're razor thin and sharp. I'm already asleep. So are you.

I snap up but it's too late. The blanket tightens around me. It wiggles and rips itself, forming into metallic wires connecting with suction-like static shocks all over my legs and arms. The bed curves beneath me as I'm lifted into the air by the wires. I struggle and watch in disbelief as Sora gets up, skipping over to the doctor's desk. He pulls out a small surgical knife, giggling.

Shit. Shit. Shit. I swallow. "You're not real. I know better."

He stops in front of me. He hasn't stopped smiling. "You don't believe that. You're still afraid of me. That's why you need control." He presses the knife against my shaking chest. He cuts a small outline just above my stumbling heart. "Because you know if you don't have my trust someday I can just take your heart. Just like that. Your few years would have been meaningless."

"Sora..." I close my eyes. Everything is too intense. But I can get out. Sora, please, wake me up.

The sound of the knife digging into my skin almost makes me throw up. The Sora formed from my Host nightmares whispers, but his voice is drowning out everything in my head. "You can't expect to control a god and not suffer the consequences."

I grit my teeth. Don't scream. Sora...Sora, please. If you can hear me, help! I'm stuck!

Another deep cut. I cry out. The monster laughs all around me. "It's in so deep. Your defenses are high." I accidentally bite a part of my tongue when sharp teeth sink into my shoulder. "You're making it really hard for me not to play with my food."

I whimper as I feel the skin ripped off my shoulder in an uneven strip. My shirt is now in shreds and I slowly realize how long this could last. My imagination is against me. I've never had a dream where I could feel this much.

I start to cry. Sora...

I beg. The knife makes the full cut out and I repeat the name over and over. I keep my eyes shut tight, even as the pain gets worse, even as I somehow feel a hand grasp my heart, squeezing it.

I can barely breathe. Something warm and sour is spilling past my lips. The taste of rust. I imagine my insides rotting and I force my voice out. "Y-you're the master."

The hand squeezes my heart still and my whole body quivers. The voice in front of me now is mockingly sweet. "Oh?"

"Master... you're the master." I open my eyes slowly. "Please don't hurt me, master."

Sora closes his mouth, hiding his teeth, though his smile is marred by blood. He pushes my heart back fully into my chest. That's what I thought.

Suddenly a bright white light in the corner of the room races towards me, slamming into my face.

It takes a while for me to see again.

"Roxas?" Concern meshes into my ears as warm hands nudge me gently. "It's okay. I'm safe. You're safe."

My bottom lip won't stop trembling. Shielding my mouth ends up being a challenge because my body won't move. Sleep still has my arms and legs trapped in metal wires. The area above my heart still stings and my hands are flaring up despite being unmovable.

All I can do is stare frantically with my eyes. Sora's face is sad but there's something knowing about how his eyes flicker downward. "Don't panic. This is normal." He takes off the blanket, removing the prickly numb feeling of wires. "Start by wiggling your toes."

I blink and try to focus only on his voice. An echo of him sneering follows and it takes a lot of power for me to push it away.

Shhhh, don't think too hard. "Good. I can see it, Roxas. Look through my eyes and you'll see too."

My mouth opens. A low whine escapes. I shift into his head, watching my toes twich. I can only last a few seconds before I'm trapped in my paralyzed bundle of anxiety. I looked so pale outside my body. Everything is chaos inside, but the creepiest thing was that my face looked completely blank. Almost as if I would fall asleep again.

"Keep wiggling your toes. It helps everything come back faster. Trust me."

I want to nod but all I can do is blink.

First toes. Then feet. Then fingers.

All in all, it's the slowest forty minutes I've ever faced in my life. The clock across from me on the wall is the cruelest of all.

Sora waits but in shame all I can do is stare back. Or, rather, look in his direction as the tears cloud my vision. He eventually clears his throat. "Is that the first time you've ever had sleep paralysis?"

I nod.

Sora gives me a sad smile. "I'm sorry. It's quite common for me. Might be better if you don't sleep so close to me next time."

I wipe my eyes. "Define common."

"Once or twice a week. Depends on how stressed I am. Usually it doesn't last long. I've gotten used to it, so I can break out in five to ten minutes."

"Oh." The question I want to ask feels wrong. So I don't say it out loud. You could have taken control of my body and broken out for me, right?

Sora shrugs. "I dunno. You've been blocking me for a while. Even while you were asleep. You kept tossing and turning, waking me up. Your dream seemed pretty bad, but I couldn't get inside. Even when I heard you call my name...it took a while before I could wake you up."

"Oh."

"But it's okay." He gives me his trademark grin. I flinch back. "Rox...you okay?"

I sigh. "Maybe? This was just very bad. It felt...real."

"Sorry. I get those too. But when that happens, when you feel everything, it means you can control the dream. I could...teach you, if you want."

"Uh...I'll think about it." I hug my knees into my chest. My toes curl and I let out a sigh of relief.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Oh. Well...no need to be rude about it.

God, could you stay out of my head for a few minutes?

Sora frowns. "Don't call out for me then."

"That's not..." I growl. "You wouldn't like it anyway."

"So? I'm not going to judge you. It's just a dream."

I give him my best pointed glare. "You were eating my heart right in front of me."

His face turns into a mixture of green and red. "Well... that's a stereotype."

"Hypocrite." I turn away. "You don't understand."

"...you're scared of me."

I open my mouth to deny it but the image of him and his razer sharp grin keep me silent. The image lingers and a bitterness from Sora sets in. Vulnerable, I hide my face. "I'm sorry. It's a stupid story most kids in Senia are told. Don't know why it showed up now all of a sudden."

You don't need to apologize.

You're still upset.

Wouldn't you be in my shoes?

No.

A new image walks into my mind's eye. A shadowy figure hands me a gun. I smirk, eyes red, shooting Sora (myself) in between the eyes.

Fuck you.

What?

I didn't fucking shoot you! I risked my life for you! I'm having to deal with all this medical shit that I have no idea how to use. And you're just... just...

Fear doesn't make sense. I know it's stupid. It's just what popped into my head. I really do get it.

No you don't. Aqua told me about your medical history. You never take your medicine, and when you do you ignore dates. Do you have a death wish?

No. A lot of the meds makes me feel worse. And half of those were prescribed by doctors besides her. They wanted me out of the public eye. Aqua can be trusted, but it took a long time to find someone like her who wouldn't sabotage me to prove a point.

...were you always this paranoid?

I did just survive an attempt on my life. Aren't I justified?

I finally look him in the face. "And I'm not?"

Sora glares back. "Maybe. Your secrets don't help."

I smile for the first time since I've woken up. I know it's twisted when Sora's face pales. "I'm not going to tell you because I don't want you getting in the way. I know this person better than you."

Sora frowns. "You're going to kill him." It wasn't a question.

I touch the space between his eyes. "Bang," I whisper.

"Don't."

I roll my eyes. "Whether I do it or not, it's not up to you. My people, my rules."

"Your people? Seriously?"

"Yep. Just like how I'm not going to punch Riku in the face next time he shows up. I'm letting you handle that mess."

"I don't think-"

I hold up a hand. "Most of my family is biased. I don't think you're ever going to meet them, so it doesn't matter."

"It does. You were just like them not too long ago and you changed. I want to meet them...and tell Axel personally that I forgive him."

I curl my hands into fists. I'm not even surprised. "The fuck you are." Did you get that while I was paralyzed?

Honestly, the way you avoided everyone but him in your thoughts made it a dead giveaway. Not like that's all you're hiding, but I wish you would have just said it from the start.

It's complicated.

My mind isn't as fragile as my body.

Debatable. You're not confronting him.

Are you going to force me to stay out of it?

My glare shuts him up in my head. But his eyes are defiant, sparking a challenge and anger I didn't know I had left in me.

Sora raises a single eyebrow. "Going to hit me?"

"Getting close."

"Good." He doesn't hesitate, getting a sharp side punch into my chin. It's just barely hard enough to give me a bruise. I cough, rolling away and fall of the bed with a grunt.

Forgot the prick knew how to fight.

Really? That wasn't very smart.

It's only warning I get when he leaps over next to me, punching repeatedly at my stomach. I'm able to block everything though and sweep his legs. He tumbles over clumsily, landing next to my feet. I follow through with a hard kick to the side where he was shot.

The wheezing cough I receive restrains me from my bloodlust. "Hell...You're crazy, you know that?"

Sora just laughs up at me and it's so weird considering how serious he was a second ago. "Us Traverse folks don't back down from a fight. Especially if we throw the first punch." He winks. "Just my way of saying good morning."

I rub my jaw. "Thought you left that province because you hated that stuff."

He sits up, shielding his side, fidgeting. "Actually...I like it a lot. That's why I left. Thought I'd become like my mom...or worse."

"You're nothing like your mom."

He gives me a small smile but his eyes are dark. "I met Riku... when I was nearly about to be suspended from school. I got into fights all the time and then after my operation...it's been hard. I'm very hands on. Sometimes I feel like I need a good fight just to feel normal."

I sit next to him. "Stop acting like you're not sick. It's going to take time for you to heal. I'm not going to fight you. I'll just knock you out, which I'm starting to feel is the only state you'll be safe in."

"Give me some credit."

"I will if you take your meds on time." I pat his head. "Now get back in bed. I have to call Aqua to fix the IV you pulled out."

"I think you did that."

"Shhhh! We don't need her adding me as a patient."

"Well then who holds you accountable?"

I roll my eyes. "Not you."

"So...you have all the control."

Good god. I'm awake. I'm awake. "Yes. But only for now."

"I don't understand what's stressing you. I know this isn't all you. But I promise not to pry anymore. When you feel more comfortable you'll tell me."

I sigh. "I want to. I want to reach that place. But you might hate me before then."

"Even so." Sora closes his eyes. "I'm willing to wait. I know how hard you're working to protect me. All I want is for you to let me do the same."

I press the button to alert Aqua. "If that's all you want this will probably work."

Yeah, as long as he gives up his dreams and passions for a year at minimum. If not, then I'll have to rip the choices away from him.

That's the responsibility Kairi has given me. I wish it wasn't so easy to do. I wish all my reasons for falling in line were pure. But I'm not going to lie to myself.

I'm not a nice person. Not like him.

Please, Sora, be selfish for once. Think of only yourself. Don't force my hand and make me strip you down just to keep you in place. Don't let me be the villain in your long lost story of a brother found.

This is what being in control means.

Or at least, I thought I knew the meaning behind all this. I'm more confused than ever, and Riku's reveal is another lingering shock that isn't helping. Tomorrow Sora will be released and somehow he'll try to convince me to let him talk sense into Axel.

But it could never work. Not when Axel is the one who separated us in the first place.

Did they all know? I frown and dial the number to a phone I never thought I would ever call willingly.

A high pitched giggle scratches into my ear. You can just hear the smirk in her voice. "Poor Roxy. You had to go and play hero. You've made a mess of things on our end, squirt. But did your precious little wimp make it?"

Instead of hanging up, I growl at her. "Larxene, did you know?"

She laughs. "Course I knew! That kid has been on Axel's numero uno since day one. Bad timing for you I'm afraid."

"No." I speak very slowly. "Did you know he was the one to seperate me from Sora?"

She pauses and my heart nearly crashes in the silence. "Huh, well that I didn't know. He never made it seem like you belonged to anyone. Frankly, I thought you were abandoned like your girlfriend, who is awake by the way. But I put two and two together after seeing more of Sora's performances. Still, you do realize this just makes things easier for-"

"Enough." I sigh. "I'm only talking to you because I want you to teach me more about...how to control my clone physically."

"Ohhhhhh." She laughs and I quickly pull the phone away from my ear. "Awww, look at the monster I'm creating! I'm so proud of you."

"Will you teach me or not?" I mutter darkly once I'm able to hear myself think.

"Hmmm, you know I don't like giving freebies. You'll have to earn it. Part of being an adult, ain't it?"

I swallow. For all I know she could just be using this as a way to spy on me or report back to Axel later. But it doesn't matter. Sora's health comes first. "What do you want me to do?"